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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wondering Eye Syndrome

64 replies

Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 10:01

My DH always looks at other women whenever we go out together, I make a point of not going out with him for this reason as it is humiliating, he says I am being stupid and he is not looking at other women. What bugs me is that he does'nt look at older women just attractive younger ones, even when he is driving his eyes are wondering when he sees attractive females. I know this is a common problem for many couples as I often see men looking at my DD becasue she is attractive. I could'nt care less if he does it without me around but to keep making it obvious when we are out together anywhere is making my life miserable, I try to blot it out and not let it eat away at me. I just have low self esteem as a result. Who else has this problem?

OP posts:

Unlikelyamazonian · 14/09/2010 15:20

AF I was somewhat joking. As you well know.

Bast · 14/09/2010 21:56

My response to mild wandering eye syndrome in the past has been to make clear that I found the woman in question just as attractive as my partner did, hence glanced her way every time he did.

His face was a picture when said woman approached us and came on to me

OP, there's a marked difference between someone's eye being caught momentarily by someone attractive or even unusual and someone who oggles relentlessly, rudely and in a manner disrespectful of their partner.

I know UAs suggestion was somewhat tongue in cheek but in drastic cases, maybe drastic action is the answer!

I wouldn't be seen dead with a man who blatantly objectified other people to the extent that either they or I felt uncomfortable, TBH.

A man who tends towards lecherous behaviour could have the most stunning woman at his side and still gawp continuously elsewhere - this isn't about you, you are in no way lacking. He is.

Bast · 14/09/2010 21:57

My response to mild wandering eye syndrome in the past has been to make clear that I found the woman in question just as attractive as my partner did, hence glanced her way every time he did.

His face was a picture when said woman approached us and came on to me

I know UAs suggestion was somewhat tongue in cheek but in drastic cases, maybe drastic action is the answer!

I wouldn't be seen dead with a man who blatantly objectified other people to the extent that either they or I felt uncomfortable, TBH.

A man who tends towards lecherous behaviour could have the most stunning woman at his side and still gawp continuously elsewhere - this isn't about you, you are in no way lacking. He is.

Bast · 14/09/2010 21:58

oops

FrazzledDad · 14/09/2010 23:26

I travel sometimes with a work collegue who's like this. Even as a bloke it makes me uncomfortable. The last time I told him I'd slap him he didn't fucking stop.

aurynne · 15/09/2010 01:19

I don't mind the raving eye, as I have it myself. Sometimes I make comments about hot guys I see to my DP and I actually point out attractive women that he may have missed! However, the staring for a long time is actually rude and I would bring it to his attention if he was doing it. Not because it worried me, but because it would make the woman (and any potential partner of hers) uncomfortable.

aurynne · 15/09/2010 01:20

"the raving eye"??? I meant the ROVING eye, although I am sure I have a raving one too :P

AllarmBells · 15/09/2010 06:51

"You are staring at that woman in such a fixed/repetitive way as to be embarrassing. You are embarrassing me, you are embarrassing yourself, and you are probably making her feel very uncomfortable if not threatened.

If you do it again I will WALK OUT."

He does it again.
You walk out.

"You're staring", "No I'm not" is toddler-level behaviour. Is he on the ASD spectrum? If not, he should know that everyone around him knows he is staring, and if he doesn't know, then he bloody well needs to. He seems to think he's getting it past you. (No offence meant to ASD etc.)

I hate this crap. (Can you tell?!) I don't do it, and my DP doesn't do it. I don't agee with all this "oh it's natural","everyone notices attractive people" - like so many things, some people do it blatantly, some do it privately, and some don't do it at all.

Sure, your mind is your own, but you don't embarrass other people about it unless you are seriously socially challenged. If he can manage to refrain from whacking off in the restaurant, he can manage to refrain from this.

IseeGraceAhead · 15/09/2010 10:27

Haha. My ex used to do this. It is embarrassing, Ching, you have my sympathy! The first time I told him off for it, he'd actually turned his body to carry on gawking at a young lady's arse as she went through a revolving door - it was funny to see, but he didn't get the joke. I'm pretty sure he did have Asperger's, as it happens. But he was also a tosser of the lowest order.

Have you ever tried speaking the woman who's got DH's attention? Turning round & saying "Is my husband bothering you? I'm so sorry."

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/09/2010 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

colditz · 15/09/2010 12:04

I once said to some poor girl in a bar "Hey! you in the read top! My boyfriend, this bloke here, he fancies you. he's been gawping at you all night like a schoolboy with a boner. Isn't he a sad case!"

The ex was humiliated and deserved to be, IMHO.

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/09/2010 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadAboutQuavers · 15/09/2010 12:16

Wow, something of a record on Mumsnet - it's taken to message number 38 for someone to say "Leave Him/Get Rid!"

Seriously though OP, no matter how much he denies it, don't back down from the "no I'm not staring" school-boy response. As AllarmBells suggested, give him one warning, then leave. It's utterly rude and disrespectful.

superv1xen · 15/09/2010 16:11

ching

sorry but he is being VERY rude and inconsiderate to you. while I accept that everyone looks at attractive people, its human nature, I think he is going to far, ie ignoring you if the object of his ogling is looking back.

I have seen men looking at me when they are with their partners (not that i am anything great, they would do it to anyone im sure) and i just think its soooo inconsiderate, grrrr makes me really dislike the male race sometimes

dignified · 16/09/2010 00:13

I think its possible hes doing it on purpose to piss you off. You see him doing it , he insults you by saying your being stupid and denys it.

You say youve told him repeatedly and even stormed off , yet he still does it ? Sorry , i dont think this is about looking at other women at all. I bet he doesnt do it when hes out on his own because if he did i dont think it would be long before it was acknowledged by someone.

I bet if you started to ignore it he would become even more obvious about it to get a reaction. Its a poor do if its making you not want to go out with him . Either hes socialy challenged or hes enjoying upsetting you.

Original poster

Chinghehuang · 16/09/2010 12:39

On a holiday a while back me & DD were in an indoor swimming pool, this beautiful lady and her daughter came in, she took her gown off in full view of the swimmers to reveal a very toned physic, a man in the pool was staring at this lady, as we swam near him he got out of the pool and my DD said what is that in his swimming trunks, a massive erection!!! I could'nt believe it and felt disgusted especially when children were in the pool. Just a story I wanted to share with you all as it highlights some mens behaviour. As far as DH goes I don't want to leave him, but I am glad for all of your suggestions and when the moment arises I shall be using some of your ideas.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 16/09/2010 12:42

ching do you live in perv central?

You seem to be surrounded by gawping pervy types.
It really isn't normal you know, no matter how many bad examples you have seen. Most men simply do not behave that way - it is just about , respect, self respect and decent social conduct.

herbaceous · 16/09/2010 12:47

Maybe she's always accidentally stumbling into the 'set up' plots of porn films.

Honestly ching, this is just horrid. No partner of mine has ever done this, and not just because he'd know he'd be 'in trouble'. It shows a worrying lack of care for your feelings. Don't let anyone, including him, say 'all men do it'. They don't.

dignified · 16/09/2010 14:47

Ching it sounds like your trying to justify and minimize it. Its just not normal behaviour from him.

Original poster

Chinghehuang · 16/09/2010 16:33

The most recent example of feeling humiliated was on holiday this summer, he stayed around the outdoor pool reading, I went upto the hotel room sat on the balcony where he could'nt see me but I could see him. Two young women who were staying at the same hotel came along looking for sunbeds, my DH looked up saw these women and promptly put his book down and stared at them both. I think they noticed this as they were trying to find a position where they were not in his gaze. I thought why don't you carry on reading your book and ignore the two pretty women, but no he constantly looked at them, putting his hands in his head several times, I wondered what he was thinking. Half an hour went by and I thought come on enough is enough when are you coming back to the room, he got up & jumped into the pool, each time he swam past these ladies he looked at them. Probably hoping they would get up and join him. Eventually he got out of the pool, still glancing at them and finally came back to the room. I asked him about the women and he said they were ugly and lesbians, so if this was the case he must have been analysing them. They did'nt strike me as lesbians, just a couple of friends enjoying themselves. This experience is probably the worst to date as I was able to watch him from a distance without him realising, at the time I was so angry and upset and wanted to shout from the balcony. I think what I will do from now on is to seek help from Relate, I have to do something but I am not ready to just walk out on him. I have also decided not to go on any more beach holidays with him.

OP posts:

Kally · 16/09/2010 18:22

Does he pant and slobber sometimes? You could always get him 'fixed'.

Sorry - just wanted to lighten up the mood here although it must be awful if it invades your enjoyment of any outings. There are always going to be pretty females around everywhere.

It's bad manners,and I think if he won't change or control himself, take a rolled up newspaper with you every time he does it, and whack him gently. If he behave like a ... then treat him like a ... .

Either that, or: You can't change him? Change the way you react to it all. Don't give a toss.
What does your daughter think, surely she must notice it?

pagwatch · 16/09/2010 18:36

I think you need to get help if you can't discuss it with him and you don't want to leave.
He sounds a bit pathetic though tbh. the 'they might be lesbians excuse' is bloody stupid.
I think you need to find out why you put up with him and accept his pathetic excuses.

I think it is a sign of his lack of respect for you that he doesn't even bother with a decent lie

Alouiseg · 16/09/2010 18:42

In my experience it's the ones that pretend not to look are the real players, the gawping buffoons (dh and friends) are the ones that can't be bothered to hide anything, why should they?

Everybody notices and looks, it's human nature. You obviously notice these attractive people that seem to surround you and it makes you feel insecure. If he had any intention of making a play for these women he'd be a damn site more discrete about it.

Pre empt him next time he's gawping and you mention the physical attributes before he does.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2010 19:10

ching, I am sorry, I posted on your thread earlier, but you are starting to sound just a teensy bit strange

you sound as fixated as him, tbh

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/09/2010 21:12

How in the name of God can you bargain away a man describing women as "ugly and lesbians"?

His gawping sounds like the least of your problems, I'm afraid.

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