Opinions needed - dh who make jokes at my expense to get cheap laughs- when we are out with friends

[PhoenixRising]

Would welcome opinions - you know how when post alcoholic binge you can feel a bit maudlin (lots of wine over dinner last night) and get things out of perspective??? - well perhaps I am, perhaps I am not

Dinner last night at a friends house - 6 of us in total. You will probably laugh and think this is innocuous, but a couple of things that bothered me:

(a) H about me to the others, "I wish dw would cook me dinner occasionally" - cue laughter from all assembled (I can't remember the context - as it happens I do excellent home cooked family meals from scratch)

(b) the women were talking about how we were put off team games at school. I mentioned that being obliged to wear skimpy hockey skirts put me off because I was too intent on adjusting my skirt all the time to cover my knickers, and I would have preferred tracksuit bottoms etc. When I said wearing skimpy skirts had put me off, h piped up with "it would have put me off too" - to appreciative roar of laughter from one of the other men in the party. I should point out that I am 3 stone overweight.

(c) we were talking about how on earth do people have time to do x,y,z and h chipped in with "No, obviously you don't have time" - with a wry smile of his face. Again the others laughed along. - I am a SAHM hence the remark

I don't think he means it maliciously - he is just a bit of a twat, and does self- deprecating humour to get laughs. That's fine when it is self- deprecating and he his inviting people to laugh at him, but I don't appreciate it when he is belittling me for comedy moments.

I have mentioned it to him but he gets defensive and tells me I am being ridiculous. Naturally this isn't the first time he has done this and it causes me to feel

1 - unattractive, undervalued, not respected
2 - hate his guts and want him dead

That's it really...

Sorry - the opinions needed are : am I being over-sensitive?

Oh dear HRH - not so great from your own mum!

I also
2 - hate his guts and want him dead

Seriously though, that is twattishness of the highest order. Putting you down for other men's amusement is not on.

He is neither original nor funny.

Any good points that make it worth staying?

You think so Imarried? - yes they are quite different things aren't they!

perfumedlife;

Honestly? - comfortable life materially and the dc love him. Fear of loneliness - he can be good company

You need to talk to him again and if he says that you are being ridiculous, explain that it causes you deep hurt and that if he thinks anything for you he will stop. But do it later in the week when you are feeling less hungover.

If he continues then you have a problem with your marriage and that problem is not his jokes but his complete disregard for your feelings.

DH does this to me and I do it back. If I thought for one minute he meant it it would be off with his balls. They can be bores with other men around though can't they - all this macho shite so YANBU.

Fran - I don't think he does mean it, but I still don't like it because it invites others to laugh at me, if that makes sense

My ex used to do this, constantly.

I put up with it for 10 years, then decided I wouldn't put up with it anymore.

Maybe a tiny bit oversensitive - I think the hockey skirt thing was to do with reasons of 'phwooarr' rather than 'yuck'. But I wouldn't think he was doing it maliciously either - so you're not being oversensitive there.

But yes he should rein it in if you have asked him to and told him you find it hurtful. you are spot on with SELF deprecating - the term doesn't include one's spouse.

But I would ask him how he would feel if you joined in, especially in the way PR suggests.

eg

"But darling, last time I cooked cocktail sausages it gave you size envy"

He does sound like a bit of a twat tbh. I'm glad I wasn't at the dinner party, I would've felt very uncomfortable.

I agree with Imarriedafrog (great name btw), challenge him and see what he has to say then. It might be uncomfortable for your friends but he needs to realise that it's not on. This kind of behaviour is one of my pet hates and I think the phrase "I was only joking" should be banned from the English language!

Good for you HRH!

Its a bit awkward though in company isn't it. If I had said in response to point B - "Are you implying that I would be repulsive in a hockey skirt" - everyone else would just cringe and it would be uber uncomfortable

I agree with HRH. You have to pull him up on this. Say something like "That's not funny H it's hurtful actually". Be prepared for him to say you embarrased your guests etc though. Stick up for yourself. It's horrible

To be fair, I dont think I've ever been to a dinner party I have really enjoyed, not with men there.

Tell him he is out of order, he has to stop making you the butt of his 'jokes' and work on his originality if he wants to be a scintillating conversationalist.

And work on your own self esteem. Not excusing him for one second, but when we feel really good and positive about ourselves, we deflect these idiotic remarks and refuse to let them touch us.

That's true perfumed life - about my own self-esteem.

You are all be very helfpul - thank you

...but being a bit of a twat to show off in front of his mates doesn't necessarily mean you should ditch him immediately!

My mum had a boyfriend for a while who was like this (although, I suspect he did actually use it maliciously as after a while he did become very controlling and manipulative, but I didn't find out the extent of it until a long time after they split up). Effectively, the humour is to bolster themselves up by putting someone else down. It's nasty, undermining and I think you need to nip it in the bud fast.

I like HRH's phrase. Mum's boyfriend starting doing it less to me because I generally confronted it each time, or would be quick with a remark that made him look like the twat. Instead, he used to aim it at ds1 instead who it really confused (ds1 takes things very literally and didn't really understand that he was being baited). Nasty, nasty man. So glad he's out of our lives now.

PhoenixRising, I agree that if you were to act offended it would be awkward for everyone. They all probably think you have a great sense of humour . I would speak to him to just point out that being the butt of his humour is not always fun for you and that perhaps he needs new material. I am sure he is just being tactless rather than malicious. He loves the attention poor love .

Thanks everyone - I will try and broach the subject with him again. Got to log off now for a bit, but thanks for your opinions. Will check thread again later

This sounds like a wake-up call. You are definitely not being oversensitive. John Gottman, the man who can predict which marriages will last and which won't, says contempt is the most accurate indicator. Malcolm Gladwell says:

"Gottman... has found that he can find out much of what he needs to know just by focusing on what he calls the Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Even within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all: contempt. If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble."