Opinions needed - dh who make jokes at my expense to get cheap laughs- when we are out with friends

[PhoenixRising]

Would welcome opinions - you know how when post alcoholic binge you can feel a bit maudlin (lots of wine over dinner last night) and get things out of perspective??? - well perhaps I am, perhaps I am not

Dinner last night at a friends house - 6 of us in total. You will probably laugh and think this is innocuous, but a couple of things that bothered me:

(a) H about me to the others, "I wish dw would cook me dinner occasionally" - cue laughter from all assembled (I can't remember the context - as it happens I do excellent home cooked family meals from scratch)

(b) the women were talking about how we were put off team games at school. I mentioned that being obliged to wear skimpy hockey skirts put me off because I was too intent on adjusting my skirt all the time to cover my knickers, and I would have preferred tracksuit bottoms etc. When I said wearing skimpy skirts had put me off, h piped up with "it would have put me off too" - to appreciative roar of laughter from one of the other men in the party. I should point out that I am 3 stone overweight.

(c) we were talking about how on earth do people have time to do x,y,z and h chipped in with "No, obviously you don't have time" - with a wry smile of his face. Again the others laughed along. - I am a SAHM hence the remark

I don't think he means it maliciously - he is just a bit of a twat, and does self- deprecating humour to get laughs. That's fine when it is self- deprecating and he his inviting people to laugh at him, but I don't appreciate it when he is belittling me for comedy moments.

I have mentioned it to him but he gets defensive and tells me I am being ridiculous. Naturally this isn't the first time he has done this and it causes me to feel

1 - unattractive, undervalued, not respected
2 - hate his guts and want him dead

That's it really...

I had a DH like this, he is now an exDH.

Sorry, but no matter how many conversations we had about this it never changed a thing, and it was the the last straw in a long line of similar behaviour that compelled me to get out.

Phoenix read ItsGraceActuallys post of12.48 on the NPD/Emotional abuse thread and the link she gives

NPD/Abusive Partner - Recovery thread

Phoenix

What is worse; stepping out into the great unknown or spending the next five-ten years of your life having your self esteem and worth further further eroded by this so called man.

Your children are picking up on all this from both of you; you are both teaching them damaging lessons here.

(BB - I can presume what I like; they are at best confused by their dad's behaviours towards their mum. As adults they could well go onto despise him).

Emotional abuse? Probably.
Or just being a bit of an insecure twat? Possibly.

It all depends how it fits into a larger pattern of behaviour. Which hasn't particularly been presented here by the OP.

Unhappiness in marriage and the eradication of nasty patterns of behaviour can be eradicated by communication and counselling.

MY father did this to my mother (and to me) for years as I was growing up

I despised him from a very early age

If he died now, I would piss on his grave

Make of that what you will...

Phoenix are u ok ? It cant be easy reading all this. Keep posting

AF, was just about to write exactly the same. My father did this to my mother too and it's left her with terrible self-esteem. She's an amazing, incredibly strong woman but just doesn't see it herself.

He was a boring bully that didn't have the wit or intelligence to say funny things without offending others.

DP used to do similar to me and I told him that if he did it again I would leave him. I meant it. He hasn't done it since.

In all other respects we are and were very happy though; it was almost like a habit with him (and his dad does it to his mum). If this were in addition to other unhappiness I may have reacted differently.

You're right to be upset as this is belittling behaviour, and he's doing it at a time& place when he knows that you can't complain or retaliate without generating a lot of social awkwardness.

If he doesn't listen to you now, then I'm afraid you'll have to be brave and warn him before the next social occasion that you will pull him up & correct him if he says anything nasty about you. Then you'll have to keep the threat and the embarrasment once may stop him from doing it again.

The retorts could range from simple facts like: You know I cook properly 5 times a week, or Yes, I'm too busy looking after you & our children, to point-scoring like:
Why would hockey skirts put you off? You like dressing up in them yourself. or (about cooking) I told you - you'll get a hot meal everytime you get a decent erection.

He's being an underhand bully here.

Going against the grain here but dh and I always have lighthearted banter when out with friends, as do most of the couples we socialise with.

He will joke about my cooking/housekeeping skills etc, I will respond with a witty retort about him.

There is absolutely no malice intended whatsoever and we are very caring and loving towards each other both at home and when out.

My H was a bit like that. After he left, I lost loads of weight, boosted my own self-esteem (by doing scary stuff) and spent time with complimentary people. Now, when we see each other, H is very complimentary to me.

If I were you - knowing how hard it is to be a single parent - I'd take my focus entirely off your DH and his comments. Just yawn every time you're tempted to think about it. Instead, focus on you, do all the housework/meals/etc in the most efficiet way possible, put yourself on a diet (I love the Scarsdale Diet, all fruit, meat, salad and fish, you feel awesome) and join the gym.

When you feel you look gorgeous and have a fun, fulfilling life aside from your DH, you'll find youself deflecting any twunty comments effortlessly, from a place of lofty inner-smugness.

Really, just don't hang on his every word. Talk to him less in general - just go to the gym every day, eat salad and fruit all the time, and revamp your wardrobe. Spend more time with complimentary friends. Move away from behaviour that's unkind, don't focus on it.

My Dad can tease my Mum a lot in public (but he compliements her a lot too). Mum couldn't give a toss, she just rolls her eyes or comes back with something cutting about him. They adore each other.

Very good advice there beautiful. I am trying to do that sort of thing in general, realising that I have come to sort of depend on dh for my happiness and that is ridiculous really in a grown woman, I dont know if it's co-dependency or what, but I need to "think" less about stuff, stop analysing everything som much and just get on with it.

New clothes, the gym and just being nice to oneself is a great start.

Hi OP
I recognise this behaviour too. I have done it to my DH for years and only recently acknowledged I have been abusive towards him. I can see echoes from family members, grandparents aunt and sister but not my parents. It is a learned behaviour and very unhealthy.

In my case it was part of a lack of respect for my DH. I really didn't like the person I had become and have been to counselling to address why I treated him so badly.

In my case it was part of a total relationship failure and I have left to sort my head out.

Your DH may be able to acknowledge his part in this. There are good books on Emotional Abuse that explain it better.
Good luck but DONT PUT UP WITH IT!

The best way of dealing with it is just to do it back to him with a sweet smile - some people have posted some good lines already. He will either strop and embarrass himself (at which point you smile even more sweetly and say 'There there dear, don't dish out what you can't take') or he will realise properly that it isn;t nice to be on the receiving end.
However, that would depend on him not being a twat.
ANother possibility is to learn not to mind - if he is doing this because hurting your feelings gives him a stiffy, then you obviously not being bothered by his comments will annoy the crap out of him and, again, might make him stop.

My DH does this sometimes but I usually say something back like "don't be rude" in a serious voice or I tell him off afterwards. He is quick to apologise. He doesn't do it often!

We also have married couple where the H does this and my DH has pointed it out to me many times and wonders if he has any respect for his wife.

So your friends might be wondering the same too.

Perhaps you could stand up for yourself when such situations arise and nip them in the bud. Tell him to stop being rude, to have a bit of respect - no need to do it in a jokey voice. Or respond as if you didn't hear e.g. "what was that dear, I hear whistling in the wind?" or some such, complete with an icy stare.

We also have friends who are a married couple. Bloody typing and eating lunch

Thanks for all the advice.

After a couple of days of frosty silence from me (initially I really did try to explain what was wrong but he was dismissive and felt I was being ridiculous -so I decided to just ignore him), he came home last night with a bunch of flowers and an apology.

His problem is he just doesn't think - I am quite sure he doesn't mean to hurt. I suppose he might find it confusing because in private he sometimes makes jokey remarks like that and I will laugh along because I know they are meant as banter and teasing. However there is a distinction between doing this in private and doing it in company with a group not all of whom are close friends (the hosts were, the other couple including the man who guffawed loudly, were not). The latter I am not comfortable with and do find it demeaning. The hockey skirt joke hurt the most because I already feel fat and unattractive without his input - meant or otherwise.

I have read the links on emotional abuse and don't think, despite him making me feel pants at the weekend he is a clear cut case - although there are traits! For instance, if I complain about something he has done I sometimes get told I need psychiatric help

He said he will try to remember not to do this in front of others - I will remind him before we go out. We will see where we get with building some mutual respect between us, I am guilty of denigrating him at times too (although usually in a row on a 1:1)

I will work on my self-esteem - and am currently on week 2 of a diet (lost a couple of pounds last week)

Thanks very much everyone - have read all the posts and pondered your advice x

My mother has been doing this to me for as long as I can remember - at any chance she had.

I like the idea of saying "that was really nasty, did you mean to be so rude" or something along those lines - at the time. My reaction has always been to stand there stunned (mullet-style)

I am very lucky though, my DH is the opposite - if anything he is more thoughtful and loving to me around other people - not to show off - just as a support (I think).

Good for you Phoenix, glad you had a chat about it and that it has hit home. He probably is a bit thoughtless as opposed to malicious. As I said, my dh does this too, its not nice, but I think it actually springs from a place of low self esteem (within him) that he has to say these things to make him feel better. Not to excuse it though, becuase one should, (and I always do) pull him up on it.

It does sound as though the best way to deal with this particular bloke is, if he insults you in public, insult him back in public. Let him see how it feels. That should bring the point home if he really is thoughtless rather than someone who is feeding his ego by hurting yours.

Well done you, Phoenix. My whole family is like this - following my vile father's example, of course; it gets ingrained. No suprise I married arseholes, but I'm not tarring all verbally-abusive partners with the same brush. It IS verbal abuse though! Nowadays, not only do I notice how unplasant it is withing my own family, I see how uncomfortable it makes nice people feel. I reckon guffawing chap's a bit of an abuser himself.
My advice, such as it is:

1. It is abuse and you'll help your own self-pride by recognising it as such.
2. DH is supposed to care about your feelings. When you're hurt, don't laugh it off, show it.
3. Perfect your stare, accompany it with a sarcastic "Thanks for that" - and use it, every single time he does this in company. Your friends will soon pick up on it ... and stop laughing.

Good luck!