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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I confronted him and he confessed

81 replies

UtterlyDevastated · 10/09/2010 15:56

Been with dp over a year, don't live together, although he has mentioned this as a natural progression.

Was looking at my email and as he is on my contact list it showed that he and another woman were 'friends'.

Confronted him this morning and he said he couldn't remember adding her to his msn, although he did log in with me there and she was on his contacts. Move on a few hours later and he confesses that he signed up with an on line sex meet up web site and was emailing her, which obviously progressed to msn and god knows what else. He has said that he realised that he wanted to be with me and though wtf was he doing, so no more contact, according to him - this was all by text as I was at work.

Obviously so many questions going through my mind, am meeting him later to hear a full confession.

I am devastated, angry and a whole lot more, just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 12/09/2010 08:28

I know Solid, just feels like he has literally broken my heart. I will get over it, I have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 12/09/2010 08:29

He hasn't asked to be forgiven, he has gone quiet on me which makes me feel there is probably more to it than he told meSad

OP posts:
venusandmars · 12/09/2010 09:27

UD, of course you feel hurt - you trusted him and he has broken that trust.

Important thing is not to accept any of the blame from him (relatively easy to do) and more importantly not to blame yourself. He is just a not very trust-worthy man, doing what not very trust-worthy men do.

You will heal and be able to trust again, but he is likely to remain what he is now.

Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 12/09/2010 09:45

Something happened during the week that made me re-evaulate my life, I realised how much I wanted to be with him and was going to talk to him about getting a place together, I am so glad I found out about this now, a real lucky escape.

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Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 16/09/2010 20:35

So, nearly a week on, no contact really. Have a car full of his things, my options are:

1 He collects them from front of my house
2 We meet and transfer
3 I drop them at his work, runs own business
4 Drop them at his mums where he is living
temporarily.
5 Car boot or eby

Problems as I see them with above options

1 Things might get stolen if he doesn't
pick up pronto
2 Not totally sure I want to meet him
3 Not sure the woman scorned look becomes
me.
4 Not sure what she knows and would she feel
compelled to lug the stuff indoors, lots
of stuff and she is 70.
5 Just meaning mean ha.

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Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 16/09/2010 20:36

5 being*

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Pandorasbinbag · 16/09/2010 21:53

Has he been in contact over his stuff?

Don't waste petrol,time or emotions on this feckwit.

Arrange for him pick it up at a suitable time for you.

And if he doesn't want it,ebay it! Grin

Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 16/09/2010 21:56

no, he hasn't been in touch about it, so you go with option 1 then.

OP posts:
Pandorasbinbag · 16/09/2010 22:01

I'd say so.

I'd call and say 'your crap will be left outside at x time and date,pick it up or it I will bin it'

gtamom · 17/09/2010 04:36

Agree, option one.
Keep smiling, think of it like having a planters wart removed. May hurt, but is worth it to be rid of the nasty thing.

BohoHobo · 17/09/2010 05:59

Option 1. Text to say his stuff is outside, suggest collecting soon would be advisable and leave it at that. You have wasted enough time on this knob man.

fizzfiend · 17/09/2010 17:51

I feel a bit of an odd one out saying this, but I don't feel that having anonymous internet sex chat constitutes cheating, unless he knows the woman or is doing it every night.

I view this as a kind of porn thing: there are no fluids exchanged, no skin touched, no kissing..it's just fantasy. I'm normally quite jealous but this really really would not bother me.

But you know what your boundaries are and you must tell him that.

Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 17/09/2010 19:03

fizz, I welcome your different perspective. I have no idea how long it went/is going on for. My problem with it is that he was so defensive,claims he confessed, no he was caught. I now believe he has a porn addiction due to certain things in the past

He has been texting today that I should forgive and forget. He wanted to meet to talk, Weds afternoon I text ok Thurs evening, heard nowt from him til this morning. He won't meet tonight because he is meeting a friend and won't cancel, he is away friends this weekend. He is putting his friends above talking about this problem. He thinks it's ok for me to fit around his social life and I let him know that, he text that his friends are important to him, obviously more important than me, but then I guess I already knew that.

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perfumedlife · 17/09/2010 19:06

There is your answer.Sad

Clearly he has his priorities very wrong. Is there anything left to say?

Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 17/09/2010 19:07
Sad
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Tootlesmummy · 17/09/2010 19:11

Fizz, that is a really odd way to look at it. Does your way of thinking mean that he could be in the same room as this woman, she could just be giving him dirty chat and he could 'pleasure' himself but as she hadn't touched him or bodily fluids exchanged then that would be ok!?

Utterly, don't consider taking him back. Stay strong.

Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 17/09/2010 19:14

tootles,there is no way back I just wanted to tell him what a tosser he is and what he has lost but he obviously doesn't give a shit.

Said I would drop his stuff at his mums, he voicemailed that he could come get his stuff as the airbed would be good for taking to his friends this weekendSad. He has made a total arse of meSad

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Tootlesmummy · 17/09/2010 19:15

Good for you. I would text him and ask him what time he plans to be at yours and then leave it outside the door.

perfumedlife · 17/09/2010 19:37

Yes, good idea Tootles, I wounldn't bother doing the 'look what you're missing' glamathon. He is an idiot. Best to leave it and not see him, then he won't have a clue how upset you feel.For all he knows you could have a hot date inside!

fizzfiend · 17/09/2010 19:43

Tottles, no that would not be acceptable, but I see your point. I just really would not be worried by occasional sex chat (and I really mean very occasional).

But Utterly: you have now added a different point...that he won't prioritise you, even though he knows you are very upset. Now this would REALLY make me mad. What a f*ing bar steward. So sorry for you but he has shown his true colours. :-(

Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 17/09/2010 19:49
Sad
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Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 17/09/2010 19:51

fizz, I text him I was in pieces Sad. Maybe I should ignore his quests to pick up his stuff with "Im too busy with my new lovely life"

I feel totally crap right now

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Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 17/09/2010 19:52

oh, and I would really like to keep his hifi as I don't have one Grin in lieu of the free board, lodgings and my bed that he had for five consecutive nights a week for months and months

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Original poster
UtterlyDevastated · 17/09/2010 19:54

fizz, I would never know if the sex chats were occasional, how would I know

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 17/09/2010 19:55

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