I need advise, I'm devastated.

[lostandsad]

I'm so desperately low the pain is too much and I don't know what to do. I really need advice on this.

Not sure where to begin but here goes....

I have been with my partner for 8 years; we have 2 young children together. Last week I found out he is married and I had no idea. My partner is from another country and when he came to the UK he was married. His wife is still in his home country. He has gone home for a few weeks to visit his family for the first time, after over 8 years of being in this country. We were not allowed to go, he said for financial reasons. I fount emails between the two of them organising the divorce. I am devastated to think he has lied to me for all these years. Why would he not tell me? In his email he accepts that he had an affair with someone else resulting in a child. I can't even be sure I was the other women.

I also discovered emails to other women. One woman in particular he seem very emotionally close to. It seems he has even considered leaving me to be with her, but changed his mind. He sends her money and gifts occasionally. He is constantly going on about problems in our relationships. I don?t think he has ever met her but they have communicated for over 15 years.

When we first got together he told me had told me that he had been engaged previously. He still denies being married and swears that it is just an engagement and that back home engagements are dissolved in a similar way to a marriage. I don't believe him and I really don't know what to do. In regards to emails to other women, he has said it is a game and he enjoys flirting. That he is embarrassed and extremely sorry. He says that she is someone who he talk to about our problems. I also know that he calls them regularly. There are messages saying 'so sorry I couldn't call last night...fell asleep early... a day without speaking to you is torture?'.

I don't know what to do; I really can't believe this is happening. One minute, I think I should just leave and not be here when he comes back. But that thought becomes unbearable, and I start to think we can get help and maybe one day be very happy together, once again. Your honest opinions are much appreciated.

So sorry. Where is your partner from?

I think it sounds like he has lied about everything to you. After eight years, why would you and your children not be accompanying him to see family abroad? You have never met his family in all this time?

Hmm I'd like to stab a guess at what county he is from but won't...........

I used to work with many men who had their families in their home country, wives, kids the lot and had relationships over here, with oblivious women, long term ones too. As they rearely went home.

What was worse is they had no regard for women at all, as you could tell and it was common for them to shag anything that walked, women were sex objects.

That sounds awful but it's my experience of working with many men like it, you will never be happy, you need to leave him IMVHO.

I'm really sorry you've been treated like this.

I think you need to tell us where he is from and then hopefully someone will be able to confirm his claim about the engagement.

You need to sit down and think carefully.

The fact that these things have been going on throughout your relationship leads me to think that he will never change and it will always be like this with him.

Deep down you know what you need to do, don't you?

So sorry for you, this is a crappy situation to be in.

honestly - he's possibly a bigamist, at best,a cheat

he's not taken you to meet his family.. i imagine he's gone to visit with his other wife.

he also has an ongoing relationshiip with another woman to whom he sends money and gifts

he has said it is a game,and he enjoys flirting..

would he feel that way if it was you doing this with another man?

why would you put up with this? being 3rd on his list of women

he probably has other children too

why do you think you deserve so little?

change the locks and bin him off whilst he's away

he sounds repugnant and disrespectful

I'm a bit confused about what's happened here. Are you saying that you have confronted him with the lot - the marriage and the relationships with other women? Was all of this secret to you and you found it all out at once? And what have you told him is going to happen now?

There are endless layers of deception going on here - and for such a long time, that I'd have very little hope of change, if that's what you're hoping for.

The bit about you being told that financially, you and the DCs could not go on a trip, speaks volumes. So he decides what you spend your money on? And you get told that you and the DCs cannot go somewhere, but he can? It seems there's a lot more wrong with this relationship than the lies and deceit you have uncovered.

I'd be shocked 100% if this guy does not come from the region that the same guys I used to work with.........

It sounds so familiar, I am going to be 100% brutal with you op as I think you need to it as to how it all works. In my case I worked with around 30 men from the same region, they all did the same, every last one.

Guy has wife, kids at home it's traditional to marry young, they don't "do" divorce.

Hubby comes over here to live, wife stays at home, they visit once in a blue moon, when they do it's to go home to the wife and kids and get her pregnant again.

In the mean time in the UK, they have usually very long term relationships and they are all oblivious to them being married or they spin the line they are divorced, yadda, yadda, knowing there is no way for them to check. Easy as they hardly go home. But when they do they go alone, this is when cracks show...

They then shag about as being in the UK sadly it's to easy for them and they are like kids in a sweet shop. They like the attention, and have zero respect for women.

Sometimes the wives at home know, sometimes they don't but they can't do anything as man is king.

Like I say I have seen women in your position countless times as they fall for the spin, I used to hear it in the work place daily. SO if I am well off the mark I apologise, it just seems 100% exactly the same. He won't change.

Thank you for your advice, it really helps.

I know he sounds awful, and the way he has treated us hurts so much.

I was absolutely oblivious. To me, he was the perfect partner and dad. I have told 2 friends and they are shocked to the core. They always say that they wish their partners could be like mine. He is absolutely charming to everyone, but is seems I don?t even know him.
He has not been home since the day he came to this country, for complex reasons. We were planning to visit next year together. I went away on holiday this summer with friends for the first time in years. He was happy for me to go, on my return he said he was going home for a few weeks. He said we would still go next year, but he has to arrange a few things. I was not happy about this and I agree we could not all go now as it would cost too much money. I knew how much he wanted to see his mum so I gave him my blessing in the end.

I have confronted him with everything. He is trying to convince me that marriage is not proper. In the emails though, she states that she wants to divorce legally. He has had his sister phone me to convince me of this too. He has offered to give me the lady?s number, so I can call for her to confirm. I have not done this, but may do. I think he has told her what to say. Obviously she is also very hurt; I don?t want to upset her. He left a woman who loved him very much. I could never believe he could do this to someone. He has talked about her before, he said he was engaged but her family was not happy for them to be together so it did not work out. I know they are not together now; the emails go back a couple of years, around the same time we got engaged.

I found out everything all at once. He was acting a bit strange, like not calling that often. So I decided to snoop. This is how I found out about everything. I know it was wrong by checking his emails.

I really don?t know what to do. What is the right thing? I love him and I know he loves me; he has supported me through so much. There are so many factors to be considered. I don?t think he has had a physical affair. We spend a lot of time together. He never goes out on his own. There are no messages to anyone in this country. At the moment I don?t want to speak to him but I do want the truth. He thinks I?m over-reacting, by suggesting our relationship has finished. I am not coping well, I can?t eat or sleep and constantly breaking down in tears.

Sorry it is so long.

He's definitely a liar. A consummate liar, who is prepared to lie long term to decieve people very close to him.

Yeah man, why not give it another go!?

What exactly are the complex reasons you and he didnt see his family? He has two kids who never met their paternal grandparents?

Where is he from, what area if you don't want to be specific? It's all so familiar.

Men like him or the ones I worked with are nice guys on the whole that is how they come across, they aren't because it's normal for them to have many women on the go in different countries, supporting them sometimes financially and with gifts. That's their culture.

Those shagging women in the UK, would tell their partners they were at work.

It's just so familiar to me I can't tell you and the woman are always oblivious. If it's the same regions the guys I knew do not believe a word you are told by any female realtives, including his wife, they won't have a choice but to comply.

You don't know they are not together at all even if the emails suggest divorce, he has gone back by himself hasn't he?

And the other women he emails? The one he discusses his problems with you in?

you really don't know what the right thing to do is?

yes, you do. it's just that's it's scary

how dare he get his sister involved in phoning you??

he is a liar, a cheat and a possible bigamist

what would you tell a friend to do ?

it makes no odds how charming he is when is also a liar and a cheat

In regards to the other women he emails ? He has never met her. They have known each other 15 years. He talks to her about problems in our relationship. When we have issues he never wants to talk to me, obviously confiding in her instead. I am not an angel.

In the past we did argue a lot over unnecessary things. I was young and unreasonable. If he did not do what I wanted, I would say the relationship was over. My friends would question why I give him such a hard time. I don?t know how he put up with me. Since the children, he will not argue with me. He says he talks to her about our arguments. He does flirt with her however, I have seen the messages. There are a few of a sexual nature. Also we temporary split for a few months ? we were both having a hard time. When we had our DS1, I moved away from family and friends. He had lost his job and my dad had recently died. This is when he considered moving to be with her. This is what he said in the message, I don?t know if he really felt like this.

It?s not just that it is scary to move on without him. I hate him for the lies he has told. He obviously has no respect for me. I do think however, that no one is perfect and that if I do not give him the chance to change I may regret it. In regards to his ?marriage?, he was young and possibly he could not do such a thing again. In regards to the women he emails and calls, I could ask him to be completely open, ie. Me having access to his phone and emails on a regular basis. He offered to go to counselling as soon as I fount out. I do think he would do what I asked of him, to make it work. I am just not sure I can get over what he has done already.

WHERE does he come from?

I can tell you for nothing if it's where I think you are on a road to nowhere, you as the woman will never be in control that much I can tell you.

You are fitting the stereo type these men went for so well, vunerable, young, immature, twist them so they are oblivious and they'll believe anything then if they ever find out they can excuse the hareem they have all around the world.

HE has a WIFE back home!

You also need to go to a GUM, clinic seriously.

I know I am being harsh, but I am actually starting to wonder if it is one of these guys I worked with!

What does it matter where he comes from?

Op, you are better off without him. He's lying, cheating scum. Change the locks and leave his bags on the doorstep for when've gets back fronholidaying with his other woman!

Because it's all relevant, fact he is scum aside, she needs to realise that it's quite common for certain men from certain countries to be over here doing this.

It's so cliche for them I can tell you and if she carries on oblivious like she may well want to do, nothing will change, it's the way these men are.

Op are you embarasses to tell us where he is from?

It reads that you have already decided you want to stay. But there are more women he emails, what about them? How can you justify that to yourself?

emmy, you are being very helpful. I?m just not sure if I should say where he is from. I know not everyone from his country behave like him. I can say he is from Africa.

I will get checked out, but I genuinely don?t believe he has had sex with anyone. I don?t think he would have the opportunity to. I take and pick him up from work each day, in an industrial estate in the middle of nowhere. We spend weekends together either at home or out as a family. He doesn?t even want to go out.

See there were men whom I worked with of the same faith from several countries including the african region.

They all came here to support their wives back home but did what they wanted over here as life back home was so restricitng.

I am not going into it too much as like you it maybe too revealing, but don't be taken in and don't expect just because you have been taking him to work there are not others over here.

This guy has a wife and family back home, he is having an affair with you. He has bits of stuff all over the world he lavishes cash/gifts on, seen lots of women like you and it will end in tears for you, sorry

He should be ashamed of himself. That he isn't and is carrying on tyring to wheedle his way out of it all, just shows how scummy he is.

His sister's phone call means nothing, she would lie for him anyway. Like Emmy, I am also wondering where exactly he is from. If it is where I think it is, the fact he hasn't married you is a big warning sign.

You need to drop him like he's hot.

Are you just waiting for one poster to come along and say you should hang in there and give him another chance ?

'cos it ain't gonna happen, my love

I am very sorry

And know that if you stay with this proven liar, you will live the life of a jailor, just trying to ensure you doesnt lie, cheat or marry anyone else.

There's not a man alive worth that.

Finding out about a wife, was horrific enough. There is just so much to deal with.

I have always been the type of person to say that if my partner ever cheated, that it would be the end. My previous partner also cheated, I ended it immediately. There was little confusion about it and I moved on fairly easily.

It is different now we have 2 lovely children together. I would not stay in a relationship just for the sake of the children.I want to move on, I really do. I'm so confused.

All I want is your honest opinions really. I have told 2 RL friends. One has said, get rid and the other thinks I should give him a chance and that she thinks he would change now that I know.

your 2nd friend is wrong