I need advise, I'm devastated.

[lostandsad]

I'm so desperately low the pain is too much and I don't know what to do. I really need advice on this.

Not sure where to begin but here goes....

I have been with my partner for 8 years; we have 2 young children together. Last week I found out he is married and I had no idea. My partner is from another country and when he came to the UK he was married. His wife is still in his home country. He has gone home for a few weeks to visit his family for the first time, after over 8 years of being in this country. We were not allowed to go, he said for financial reasons. I fount emails between the two of them organising the divorce. I am devastated to think he has lied to me for all these years. Why would he not tell me? In his email he accepts that he had an affair with someone else resulting in a child. I can't even be sure I was the other women.

I also discovered emails to other women. One woman in particular he seem very emotionally close to. It seems he has even considered leaving me to be with her, but changed his mind. He sends her money and gifts occasionally. He is constantly going on about problems in our relationships. I don?t think he has ever met her but they have communicated for over 15 years.

When we first got together he told me had told me that he had been engaged previously. He still denies being married and swears that it is just an engagement and that back home engagements are dissolved in a similar way to a marriage. I don't believe him and I really don't know what to do. In regards to emails to other women, he has said it is a game and he enjoys flirting. That he is embarrassed and extremely sorry. He says that she is someone who he talk to about our problems. I also know that he calls them regularly. There are messages saying 'so sorry I couldn't call last night...fell asleep early... a day without speaking to you is torture?'.

I don't know what to do; I really can't believe this is happening. One minute, I think I should just leave and not be here when he comes back. But that thought becomes unbearable, and I start to think we can get help and maybe one day be very happy together, once again. Your honest opinions are much appreciated.

OP,

From the information you have provided, it is safe to say your partner is from West Africa. This has significance because when he says that engagements are treated with the same seriousness as marriage, he is not lying.

To be honest, it is not uncommmon for men to have families both in the Diaspora and abroad. Sometimes it is a genuine case of falling in love with two women in different geographical locations (I think this is the reason in your case given how well he has treated you in the past and that you have children with him), sometimes it is for convenience until he goes back home.

Whether you should leave or not is entirely up to you, but I can tell you this, it will not really change anything. He sounds like quite the eligible character and in a country where such African women outnumber their African male counterparts by about 10 to 1 (ie for every such man, there are 10 women who are single), then it would be very easy for him to move on.

As for the African wife, if he is indeed married in the legal sense; they are not stupid and are usually aware of what is going on. More often or not, they are happy with this arrangement as long as he is financially supportive. Ultimately, it is possible to come to an arragment which suits all the parties involved (especially if there are children involved). It really does depend on what his long term plans are i.e does he plan to live here for the rest of his life or not.

Take him up on the offer to ring her, and also take that chance to speak with his parents. They are morally bound to treat you fairly and with respect since you are the mother of their grandchildren.

I hope this has given you a fair opinion based on someone who has an understanding of both cultures, and particularly the complexities of multicultural relationships. Don't be devastated because from the sound of things, he treats you and your children well.

Keep us updated won't you?

Warmest wishes,

A

I completely understand Emmyloulou's position and do not think she is projecting but merely presenting what she has observed. Interestingly, over on another board (the ethnic version of Mumsnet) there are women who are talking about white men who are seconded abroad, impregnate young and impressionable women after telling them lies and making false promises only to abandon them. These women's lives are destroyed because as single mothers, it is virtually impossible to find a husband. The point I am making is, this isn't a race issue but a male one

I think I should stress that the relationship with his wife was over shortly after we got together. The emails between the 2 portray this. He first contacts her for a divorce when I was pregnant. She says no. Several years later she writes to him stating that, she is not sure if he still uses this email account...blah, blah; blah... but if he gets this message than he should know that she is happy to go through with a divorce. I really believe that for a very long time they have both agreed their marriage was over. In his last email to her he says he was so sorry for her pain and he accepts complete responsibility for their break up.

What I'm so angry with is that he could leave his wife, promising he would return but never did. Instead he met someone new. I?m struggling to ascertain whether she accepted their relationship was over before he met me. Did she think they were married and in love or separated. Although I don?t want to upset her, I think it may be worth calling her, for this reason. If their relationship was over before he met me, than I could forgive him for not telling me he was married/engaged.

Honestly what hurts more is the relationship he has with the email lady. From looking at their email interactions carefully, their relationship is sporadic. They would not talk for many months, and when he or she would write asking the other how everything was. I would guess that he contacts her when we are going through a rough patch. He says it helps him deal with our problems. She usually contacts him in a crisis too. She is a single mum in the Caribbean. She would write asking for money for her Children?s education or for Christmas and birthday presents for her children. He says that he would not have any problems losing contact with her and that he would do anything to prove this.

lost, are you both from the same culture? I think it is hard for some of the 'english english' to understand. i am not african, i was brought up in africa and have lots of african friends (various countries, mostly nigeria). not saying what he has done is excusable because of culture, but just that it is very different for him than for english men, because the men are brought up in a certain way, to think a certain way, and 8 years of being in this country isn't going to change that. he can slowly change if he really wants to, but i wouldn't hold out a lot of hope.

if i were you, i would have a separation. see how desperate he is to win back your trust. if he can really prove to you that he loves you, loves the kids over the long term (at least a year) then maybe there is hope. if he takes the opportunity to go back to his wife, or this other lady overseas, or to get another girl pregnant then it will be clear what kind of a man he is.

i would also ask him if he has any other secrets, give him the opportunity to come clean about everything and start from scratch. if he says there aren't any more then i wouldn't trust him!

"Although I don?t want to upset her, I think it may be worth calling her, for this reason. If their relationship was over before he met me, than I could forgive him for not telling me he was married/engaged."

I think this is a good plan of action. She will certainly put things into perspective and you can make an informed decision from then. I really do think he is a genuinely nice person (The fact that he apologised to her earns him top marks in my books! that is a rare occurence in our culture).

As for this Caribbean woman, I find it very interesting that he is so willing to give up a 15 year old friendship despite appearing to be emotionally close to her. How are you interpreting this? as an indication that he is willing to do what it takes to make you happy?.

Speaking as an outsider, I really don't know what to suggest but my thoughts are as follows;

If even after 15 years they have never met, what are they chances that they will? (As an aside - it seems he sometimes needs another woman's input once in a while and personally, I would rather he spoke to a Black woman who is another country, than one who is in the same country!)

If you are worried that he might leave you for her, then ending communication between them won't change that (however, this seems unlikely given how sporadic their communication is).

If you dislike the fact that he talks about his marital issues with her, then I think that's unrealistic because everyone moans about their partners. Or is it the financial assistance and presents he sends her? well you have every right to ask him to cease doing so and he should respect that.

I really hope everything goes well for you.

Ps - I will throw this in just because as someone with an interest in Astrology, I think it could make a difference in your outcome. Mercury is currently in retrograde (please see this article for more information - ), so withold communication with his XP till later on in this week.

Good luck!

A

If this guy was English I think we would not be encouraging the OP to stay with him. He was married when they met but he never mentioned it, since then 8 years have passed and OP has had two children with him but never met his family.

Lostandsad, have you found out if you are the woman cited in the divorce papers (or has he also committed adultery with someone else?)

Make sure you get checked out for STIs.

Out of interest, how does he explain the origins of his friendship with the woman in the Carribean.

Look on the bright side, at least you are not married to him.

I have to say I too knew a Nigerian guy at my work place who did this. He was a compulsive liar. Always sick from work. He would go back once a year for a month, which would always turn into 2 months. 1st year he told the boss there were no flights out back to the UK so he didnt know when he would be back. the 2nd year I was there he apparently got maleria or something, and again was away 2 months. my boss put up with it. But i know he had a family back there and a family in the UK and one of which he was getting a divorce from.
I THINK you need to decide if your willing to take the risk of more lies. He sounds like a decent guy apart from the obvious. Is he really at work when he says he is? Ask to see his sick record from work. I think you need to find out the whole truth, cover all the possibilities and then decide. When does he come back? Maybe you both need more time apart b4 making your decision.

Surrey, you are absolutely right he is from West Africa. I have a question for you. Would people in West Africa refer to ending an engagement with a divorce? This does seem odd to me.

It really is not like I?m absolutely segregated from his family. I speak a lot with his sister. I speak with his mum too, but it is hard. We find it difficult to understand each other. His brother also has came to visit on 2 occasions and stayed in our house.

Lady in regards to how he began communicating with the email lady. I have not yet asked him, when we last spoke I was most concerned with his wife. When we met he had lots of pen friends and people he communicated with via email. I think this common where he is from and is encouraged at school. Some of the relationships were strange to me. There was a lady who would try to convince him to follow her religion. It became uncomfortable, and asked him to stop communicating with her. When I was going through his emails there were messages from her every few years, saying that she wished she knew how we were doing, but she had not heard from him. They had been communicating for many years before we met, it was innocent. He did stop speaking to her as I requested. This does give me hope.

Can I trust him, absolutely not. I don?t think he would ever tell me anything unless he had to. In the perfect world we would split and in time I would make him earn my trust. I thought if I made him promise to tell me everything about his wife and never communicate again with her and then test him on occasions. I would make sure I had access to email and networking sites. I would ask out of the blue to go through his phone. If he wouldn?t allow me I would know it was over.

But in the real world it is not so simple. I am due to began teaching training on Monday. I would need to leave the house at 7am on my placements. He would need to get the children up and ready for school/childminder. If we were separated I could not do my teacher training. I have already given up my job. I think the reason I feel so bad is because I do feel I need to make a decision pretty soon.

Have you ever read Barrack Obama's book "Dreams of my Father"? Because a lot of what you have said sounds very familiar. I would suggest you read it.

I'm sorry but regardless of where he is from I would be seriously considering ending this relationship.

Regarding who could get the children up, perhaps you could get an au pair to help.

Regarding earning your trust / going through his phone. What's to stop him getting a cheap PAYG phone for communicating with people he doesn't want you to know about?

Obviously everyone has different deal breakers in relationships, but I think being married to someone else without telling you would probably be a deal breaker for most. It's your life and you must decide. My feeling is that you feel inclined to put up and shut up - just hope you don't come to regret it.

What do your family think?

Posting on here has really helped. I'm really worried about splitting up the family. I do know that if I decide to end our relationship, I do take comfort in that most of the posts expressed this as the right thing to do.

I hope someone has some advice on this. My feelings are all over the place. In the first few days of finding out, I talked to OH regularly. Although I was devastated, every time I spoke to him i felt better. Knowing how much he is hurting now relived the pain a little. I have now not spoken to him for 4 days. It is hell. I have never felt this way before. I have never cried so much and felt so utterly helpless. He has comforted me through all life's traumas. I really want him to comfort me now. I know it sounds so silly. He has caused the pain. I feel so lonely. I will not tell my family until after I decide to stay with him or not.

He is back on Monday. We will talk. I will call his wife and take it from there.

You said

Surrey, you are absolutely right he is from West Africa. I have a question for you. Would people in West Africa refer to ending an engagement with a divorce? This does seem odd to me.

It really is not that odd if you viewed in context. I have a good West African friend who was engaged to be married until he decided to leave her for someone else. One would think all they had to do was end the relationship and therefore the engagement right? wrong! two years later and she is still fighting his family to 'dissolve' the engagement. I think the problem is that this term means two completely different things here and your partner's country of origin. As in my friend's case, their engagement was treated like marriage, and she would need to have a 'divorce' before getting engaged to someone else.

Do you know any other person from West Africa not related to your partner? please ask them and they will confirm what I have told you.

Again, I strongly urge you to reconsider ending the relationship based on a cultural misunderstanding, but ultimately, you should do what you feel is right for you and your children.

Scenarios such as this always make me wonder wonder which is worse; leaving too soon or too late?

Regards,
SA