I need advise, I'm devastated.

[lostandsad]

I'm so desperately low the pain is too much and I don't know what to do. I really need advice on this.

Not sure where to begin but here goes....

I have been with my partner for 8 years; we have 2 young children together. Last week I found out he is married and I had no idea. My partner is from another country and when he came to the UK he was married. His wife is still in his home country. He has gone home for a few weeks to visit his family for the first time, after over 8 years of being in this country. We were not allowed to go, he said for financial reasons. I fount emails between the two of them organising the divorce. I am devastated to think he has lied to me for all these years. Why would he not tell me? In his email he accepts that he had an affair with someone else resulting in a child. I can't even be sure I was the other women.

I also discovered emails to other women. One woman in particular he seem very emotionally close to. It seems he has even considered leaving me to be with her, but changed his mind. He sends her money and gifts occasionally. He is constantly going on about problems in our relationships. I don?t think he has ever met her but they have communicated for over 15 years.

When we first got together he told me had told me that he had been engaged previously. He still denies being married and swears that it is just an engagement and that back home engagements are dissolved in a similar way to a marriage. I don't believe him and I really don't know what to do. In regards to emails to other women, he has said it is a game and he enjoys flirting. That he is embarrassed and extremely sorry. He says that she is someone who he talk to about our problems. I also know that he calls them regularly. There are messages saying 'so sorry I couldn't call last night...fell asleep early... a day without speaking to you is torture?'.

I don't know what to do; I really can't believe this is happening. One minute, I think I should just leave and not be here when he comes back. But that thought becomes unbearable, and I start to think we can get help and maybe one day be very happy together, once again. Your honest opinions are much appreciated.

yes, she is wrong

he has had years to figure out the right way to behave, instead, he chose to have children wth you whilst still married. and lied and lied

di you think he would have told you had you not snooped?
you could have carried on with this charade and sham for evermore

I have told you my opinion and I am sorry love but women like you are ten a penny if the guys I worked with are anything to go by.

Vunerable, needy, immature, they buy all the trash about their lives back home. They all have wives who they keep and women tucked away god knows where.

I am going to tell you a true story in the hope it wakes you up a but to highlight perfumed post.

When I had left work, I happened to bump into one of the women who was pregnant by one of these guys, she too knew all about the wife back home etc and it was a shock, she stayed. They could never marry as he was already married and she knew what he had been up to with women, she too thought it was just texts.

She was a living hell of paranoia, not suprised as he was still shagging around..... we happened to give birth at the same time, she was in the hospital with me, I said hello to her in passing and him as I knew them, she was so paranoid even though my DH was by my side, as I had once worked with him and thus spoken to him, and I was female that he too must of shagged me and got me pregnant [hmmm].

Crazy huh? But she was royally screwed up from having her long term relationship blown apart and it slowly dawned on her she was one of MANY OW. She thought she could stop it, she couldn't it was awful to see tbh.

They were all bloody at it and nothing changed, you are the cliche woman they would go for, sorry.

I'm not worried about their marriage being over. The emails tell me it is. He begins asking her for a divorce 6 years ago. Only recently she has contacted him to say that she would accept his money as an end to the marriage. I am upset that he could move to another country and find a new partner. I think if he could do that to her, he could do it to me.

I know I am being stupid for considering making it work. Do you think that counseling, would not work then.

He will be doing the same to you. Sorry but seen it loads, there is no hope until you get some self respect and basically a backbone and tell him to get stuffed.

I can see at the mo that won't happen so wish you well.

exactly, if he can do it to her, he can do it to you .. and it's not 'just' a bit of a grope or fondle with someone else, he's married and yet had two children with you with no hint of telling oyu the truth

i'd recommend counselling to help you stay strong to relaise you deserve more as do your childrne, not to make this 'relationship' wprk

Players are for life, not just for Christmas. You need to get rid.

Sorry to put this harshly but he's a selfish man who has ruined at least two women's lives and he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Players are for life, not just for Christmas. You need to get rid.

Sorry to put this harshly but he's a selfish man who has ruined at least two women's lives and he has no respect for you whatsoever.

I think emmylou is projecting rather a lot here IMHO

I am projecting nothing, just seen lots of women in this position before and no I am not one of them.

It's so cliche........

Man comes over from another continent, usually Africa/ME.

They have wife and kids back home, married young as it's their culture and divorces never really happen as it's not done.

When in the UK and on their travels in more tolerant and less strife ridden countries they meet lots of women, who are free and easy be it via text, or in person and it's like a kid in a sweet shop.

They then tend to form long term relationships wherever they set up base all of them are oblivious to the wives and real lives they have back home and women in all 4 corners. They have no reason to suspect as they hardly go home.

Believe me I listened to enough shits like this laugh about women like this whilst mocking the wives back home and it was not pleasant.

That's the harsh truth like it or not.

It doesn't matter if he's from the next village or another planet. You're still a loving, trusting woman who has just found out that the man she loves - the father of her children - has been lying systematically to her throughout her time with him. Of course you're devastated. Of course you hope, against all common sense, that it will somehow turn out to be okay after all. It won't.

The man you love isn't real. He's a lie. I'm sure you still feel like you know him better than anyone - but that's what love does to you. And he's used it against you.

You HAVE to make you head rule your heart now. I'm so sorry for this betrayal: I expect you'll be in shock for some time. Some counselling for yourself, later, will help you recover from the trauma. But now you need to take care of yourself and your children - coldly, quickly and efficiently.

To state the obvious - "giving him another chance", in this case, means giving him the chance to stay with you while he sets up yet anther family elsewhere. His wife didn't have the luxury of choice. You have. Take it.

emmyloulou
"That's the harsh truth like it or not."

In your experience.

Give advice yes, but you are speaking as though you know-you don't

Hi, I realise I'm probably a lone voice on here but I would have to disagree.

I'm in a cross cultural marriage and have worked in a number of countries where views of marriage are quite different to those in the UK. SO I have quite a different perspective on this!

I'm not saying you should just accept the situation, but I would be cautious about ending the relationship without a) further information and b)some honest discussions, counselling, talking about expectations etc.

If he wasn't married but had just been in a relationship with this "wife" would that make a difference to you?

He's been with you for 8 years without going back to his "wife". That has to count for something! Ok, so he's been emotionally tied up with other women. Is that something that could stop with talking, setting boundaries?

I think relationships where people love each other (you say you believe you both do) and where there are children ARE worth at least working at.

Well I think the fact he has been married all along and not been open about his secret life back home, gone back home by himself and had another long term "relationship" with another woman on the go including, gifts and cash...........would make my experiences pretty much spot on amber.

Weirdly, I was just looking for something else and came across this about marriage in Nigeria (and other West African regions): "Sometimes the engagement ceremony takes place right after the Introduction. Traditionally, a couple is married after the engagement ceremony. Nowadays, I believe there has to be a legal registration of the couple. "
www.motherlandnigeria.com/life.html

So it might be true about the engagement but it STILL means he's married. And still means he has deliberately deceived you all these years.

whatdoesntkillu, I'm not sure how much honest talking one can expect from someone who's built a whole life on a tissue of lies? Counselling's a waste of time. Either he'll lie to the counsellor, or tell the truth and then what?

As much as I hate the sound of him, from experience having lived in Egypt, if it's an islamic country for example, there are levels of marriage, some count more than others, some are harder to dissolve than others.

Women there would accept their H to marry elsewhere even while they are married to the men,as long as he keeps the money coming in, or the promise one day that he will get his papers and send for her too.

To play devil's advocate here, we all know how utterly dense men can be at times, once they have said something, even inadvertently, they just can'd do the right thing and come clean, it's like a loss of face, or something.

The big issue here is the deception, that is what has to hurt. FWIW, the wife is not a threat to the marriage, and even the other woman on email too... though it really isn't right.

Out of interest, what does HE have to say about it all? What ARE his explanations?

I would be inclined to say to him that unless he comes clean, ditches the Email woman, and promises from this day onward to be 100% transparent, then you will show him the door.

You have every right to be livid with him, he is the one that must sit down and explain everything to you to your satisfaction.

Thank you for your posts, it is helping me to think clearer. I have been sorting out the children and putting them to bed, so sorry I have not responded earlier.

When I spoke to him last, he said that he is very ashamed and embarrassed. He says that I am his world and that he loves me only. He says that the lady is not his wife in the same sense as on the UK.He said though he did have customary obligation to her and her family. This is why he has given them money. He said that it does not need to be dissolved legally but that she is requesting this. He is sorry that he has hurt her and can never forgive himself for the pain he has caused. He would do whatever it takes to regain my trust.

I?m not picking his calls, as I don?t know what to say or do. As I said I go from thinking, I want nothing more to do with him. I went to CAB for advice yesterday and I started to think that I could move on. However most of the time I?m thinking that we can get through this together. I really thought we had a good relationship. He is kind and considerate, cooks and cleans. He has supported me so much with family problems. I don?t want to make a mistake.

I have told him that I want nothing more to do with him. At the moment he believes there is no chance of us staying together. I really thought I was a strong, no nonsense type of women. But this situation has shown that I?m not. I am vulnerable and scared. I just don?t know what to do. I can?t eat, if I try I vomit. I can?t sleep. I?m a complete mess and can?t see any way out of this situation.

It's OK lostandsad, it's OK.

You are in shock and understandably want NOT to see him at the moment.

Honey, HE made the mistake, HE wasn't straight with you, but FWIW, as I said, if these women were a threat, he'd have done something about it before now.

On the face of it, it looks like he isn't a bastard, that he is supportive, he is a good man around the house with the DC etc, so there is a lot going for him. Just this not telling you stuff. FWIW if he were an utter bastard, he'd have just left the fiancée hanging, but he clearly feels he has let her down, a total cad just wouldn't think that way.

Take a time out, to calm yourself down. Excellent idea to go to CAB to see what your options are, so you know that should you decide to go it alone, you know that you can. That fact alone will help you feel less powerless, less bereft. Knowledge is power after all!!

If on balance the positives of this man outweigh the negatives then sit him down, read him the riot act, establish the cast in stone rules and give it another go.

Oh and BTW, the fact that you went to the CAB proves that you ARE a strong, no nonsense woman... Of course you are scared, you have been hurt, you have DC, you are torn. but you don't have to make any decisions today, tomorrow or even the next day.

Thank you LittleMiss. I think the reason I'm feeling so utterly low, is because I feel I should know what to do. As you say, I shouldn't rush myself. I will take each day as it comes, and things may be a little clearer in a few days.

He returns home on Monday, am worried that this will cause more confusion. How should I approach his return?

Kind and considerate, cooks, cleans and is good with the DCs. Supportive in a family crisis.

Let's unpick this a little, can we? It is not kind and considerate to have several secret relationships on the go, to ponder whether it might be worth leaving your partner for one of them, to moan about problems in your relationship to secret women, to send money from your family budget to a woman your partner didn't even know existed. And more money and gifts to yet another woman. Flirting and "game-playing" is not kind and considerate.

I think as this thread has gone on, it has been forgotten about all these other women he has been engaging with - and sending money and gifts to.

He cooks, cleans, is good with his DCs and can be leaned on in a crisis. Versus lies, flirts, spends money and time on more than one OW and tells women that it is torture if he has to go a day without speaking to them.

I am hugely sympathetic to you OP for the shock you have had, especially as it all unravelled at once, but my goodness, while you might be able to bargain away a cultural difference about what constitutes a "marriage", how can you bargain away the rest of it?

I understand what lostandsad means when she says that "he is a good man around the house "etc etc - just because he has been living this way it doesn't mean that he is never this way! This does not turn a person into 100% bad! Men seem to have this way of looking at things where they totally separate things - they separate their marriage from an affair and this is not necessarily done in a planned way, but more of a function of the way their mind works at a particular time. I am not defending any of these men but they really do seem to think and look at things in a different way. Both my h and a friend's h have said that they did not see their affairs as being anything to do with their marriages at all but more running alongside ( sorry - this sounds utterly pathetic!) and this is what I am thinking when I read this thread - that somehow this man has tried to put the woman in the other country on the back burner/that she didn't exist or that she was from a situation that had to be dealt with but didn't impinge on his relationship with lostandsad.

Look at it from this angle then. If this man was honest and upfront and told you he was married, had other women friends he sent money/gifts to and confided in, would you be happy to accept it?

Because he has taken the choice away from you. I'm not big on thiefs, but liars are far worse.

For gods sake, what is wrong with women who refuse to see whats in front of them. He is now showing you, albeit because he was caught, what he is. And what he is is a liar, a cheat, a phillanderer.

Is this good enough for you?

This is why in my experience these men do it and get away with it.

They know chances of them getting caught are slim as of the difference in culture and distance. If they get caught they can try and explain it away as cultural differences. Yes being that men can have as many women as they like without consequence.

Why are people missing the vital facts here? The guy is married and has lied about it, he also has another very long term relationship which has been going on for years, whether physical or not. Both of these relationships he has been funding through cash and gifts from the family fund probably under some moral obligation to do with his culture as he explained, it won't change.

Also he has been emailing lots of other women as he enjoys flirting.

Don't believe as he hasn't been home this makes him less committed to his wife this is what they do, go to the UK make lots of money and don't return that often as they are duty bound do be here providing for back home.

Jeez he has two long ongoing relationships going on, one at least with kids behind his wifes back and countless flirting online with other woman, and he is somehow misunderstood and can change, blimey!

3 long term relationships, where he supports with cash and gifts, one is a marraige which he lied about AND continous online flirting, but women like OP end up in so much shock when they do find out they just put up with it and other people try to justify it, crazy!

FWIW, I spoke to dh about this (who I suspect is from a similar background).

He was horrified both for you and the wife stuck back home, who is basically having to live in limbo.

He felt that such a man was not to be trusted or given any mofre chances to.

Then he shook his head a lot. He's experienced what a bad reputation men have in this country, men who behave like your DP don't help.

it would be interesting to find out which country he is from as I have heard quite horrific stories of deceit by males from Ghana

where man is expected to father kids by many women, marriage comes next if at all

they get away with it and are often being protected by all community with their lies

sad, but true

I know a woman who lived with a man from Ghana, he cheated non stop, didnt work, stayed out for days on end, still she made excuses.

Only when he emptied her childrens' bank accounts did she see sense. He asked for the flight fare home, to where he bragged he had a waiting family.