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[choclab]

not sure if im over reacting ..

my DH on FB ,has lots of friends , female to , i do to , not a problem ..

however ,i saw he is mailing a girl he knows they were exchanging conversation , be it light and about this and that ...

i said to DH , not sure i like that ? he said i was overreacting ...and was just a friend ..

he got quite defensive , i said i thought he was and he said he wasnt ...

am i over reacting ...

hi, choc, just caught up on your thread

your talks over the weekend with your husband sound positive, truly

he now is in no doubt how you feel, so any further episodes that make you feel very uncomfortable should be taken seriously by both of you

you have a clean slate now, try and relax and concentrate on yourself

you have had a shitty time, and you need to find some inner strength and try to stop relying wholly on someone else to make you feel good

of course, he has been shitty, and I hope he realises that now, but are there some external ways you can try and boost yourself ?

Cruse sounds good, or maybe see your GP and see if there is some bereavement counselling or even general counselling available for you to help with your anxiety issues

all the best, I am sure it will be fine x

hmm confused still ...

things been ok ...

but still a niggle doubt ...

im feeling so low , these past weeks been trying so hard to put a smile on my face , for the sake of kids to ..

DH been ok ....slipped back to distant patches ...

i still feeling insecure and rejected really ...

havent mentioned my mum at all ....iv been trying to get on ...gyming ALOT being posotive ..when i really want a cuddle ....i said to DH , im enjoying gym as takes my mind of my mum as i would crumble if i thought about it all to much ...he said ... oh dont do that ...keep at the gym ...dont let yourself do that ..

i was pissed off with that comment ...

he has no f*ing idea how i feel about my mum as far as hes concerned , its done over move on ....

so i put on brave face and get on ....

i have tricky times coming up . christmas ,
DH hates my dad , my brother , my mums partner doesnt want them round at all ....

this is getting to me to ....i bend over for his family ....

sorry big rant .....

I would certainly recommend speaking to CRUSE. I would think you have a lot of feelings to work through re your Mum (am I right in recalling you used to post about her on General Health?). Have you talked to him recently about how you feel with regards to your mother?.

Re Christmas I would make it your own with your DH and the children. Or if at all possible have a Christmas meal at a restaurant.

Re your DH what do you mean by slipping back in to distant patches?. You both need to talk and keep talking.

Is he still messaging this girl he went out with years ago?. You are both unhappy and are expressing this in different ways.

thanks for reply ,

no contact with the girl on FB ...i have full access to is computer etc ,

he hasnt been on it for weeks

im feeling quite unloved as little efection (only when he wants )

its not just that although i still feel hurt about it all ..

its his lack of compassion and understanding that hurts i guess ..

hes very black and white , wont bend on his views ..

regarding christmas , i wanted to see my mums partner as mum would have liked that i was looking out for him , and my brother is at a loose end and wanted to come to ours christmas day , iv had to make excuse as my DH point blank doesnt want him to come , also said if my dad comes a day before he will make sure hes out .and if mums partner hed do the same ...

we have family issues , he doesnt like my dad as hes a liar and to be fair is a pain at times , and past they have had words ...but as iv lost my mum makes you really realise how fragile life is and must malke the most of time and family ...

i get it all but just dont need him to bang on all the time about how shit my family are ....
he has no idea how im feeling regarding my mum or feelings as he never asks ..

of all years i just wanted to see them a bit .. not on the main days ...

im starting to resent this choice i have to make ...of all times and years ..

It's not at all unreasonable that you want to see your family over Christmas. I think your DH is being very unfair, unless there's far more to it that you haven't told us.

I'd arrange to see them on your own, sometime over the holidays. I think it's a lovely gesture that you want to look out for your mum's partner, it must be very hard for him at the moment.

It's all very well having strong opinions, but if your H won't accommodate your feelings, it sounds incredibly selfish behaviour on his part. Does he get on with your friends, or is it a similar story there??

I'm not surprised you're feeling low choclab. I think it's common sense that you should talk about your mum and your feelings as and when they crop up. Your dh's reaction is totally wrong, its not about keeping busy and not thinking of her. That only makes the grief worse when it spills over, and it does.

His dislike of your family is an issue too. Dh dislikes some members of my (large) family and I detest some of his, but that's families for you, losers and winners in every bag. He has to make an effort for you at Christmas, the first without your mum. Just as you make an effort for his family. It's what being a partner is all about, shouldering the load.

Did you get in touch with Cruise?

thanks , both good advice ,

still mulling over feelings , i hate confruntation , peace maker me ..

will try talk ..at some point ..

havent contacted cruise will look it up .

i know im probably putting a big plaster on my grief right now but feel i ant let it all go .

things are better ,

talked things through and got a compromise on family over christmas now so thats good .

things have been great between us both ...

the girl keeps on rearing her head though a bit , i know he hasnt been on there, as 2 weeks ago i went on as him and went into the private chat thing she was there ,so i waited to see it she said anything to me (as i was inpersonating my DH )
within min she did saying "hi stranger long time no hear " ...

I was shaking , waited a moment then logged off ..

i take from that that he hasnt had any contact with her and i do believe it .

so last week i said to DH , nicley id like him to remove her from his friends as i felt uneasy ...he said that he would , and said again he hasnt had any contact with her , nor does he want to , and that he loves me and isnt interested in anyone els .. yes they had brief chats but that was it and said id seen them ...
he was fine , removed her ,

then , yesterday he told me and showed me she had asked to be a friend again ... i was cross ...he said hed refuse it .

what is she like this girl !!!

i feel uneasy again now i do trust my DH , i believe hes not interested , but as he had spoken with herin past , she thinks its ok to pop up and chat when ever she likes , shes single to ..

any advice ?