facebook

[choclab]

not sure if im over reacting ..

my DH on FB ,has lots of friends , female to , i do to , not a problem ..

however ,i saw he is mailing a girl he knows they were exchanging conversation , be it light and about this and that ...

i said to DH , not sure i like that ? he said i was overreacting ...and was just a friend ..

he got quite defensive , i said i thought he was and he said he wasnt ...

am i over reacting ...

choc, love

he doesn't get to decide you are over-reacting and it is nothing

your reaction is all your own and it is not nothing if it is bothering you so much

Does he normally remember your anniversary? Do you normally do card, flowers, meal, or is it not usually marked by anything like that?

If you usually exchange cards etc, I think you have every right to be pissed off that he didn't bother this year. Especially since he obviously didn't forget. It would strike me as a little odd that he can make a public declaration of your anniversary, but not a private one - what is he trying to portray himself as?

thanks all , i so wound up ..could cry , we may go to film then meal , i just text him to say great as ling as we can talk ..he said why ?

i said about us ...he said whats wrong with us ?

so is it all me ..

Well, sometimes it is easy to build something minor up into a huge great problem. This may be something and nothing, or it may not. It does sound as though you need to talk things through, in a non-accusatory way. Hopefully he will realise that it is better to talk about what's on your mind than to let it fester and build. If there is nothing to worry about, if no cards etc is not significant, then he should be happy to talk and reassure.

Also, maybe you both need to step away from facebook a little??

bloody hell.

Waste your energy on other things.

YABU.

choc if my dh was messaging female friends on facebook full stop I would worry. But thats my dh, he doesnt do female friends. Yours is different, fair enough, but why the private messages, why not on the wall?

I agree with AF as usual, you must not feel you are over reacting, you are reacting to your senses, something triggered them, so get it all out. If he loves and adores you, he will want to put this right with you.

He should be more attentive than he is being, considering you just lost your wee mum. So sorry x

Bit harsh, Cumbria. It's not as if she's having anxiety over her cakes not rising, this is her marriage

Ignore Cumbria.

Totally understand where you are coming from Choc. AnyFucker is right, the only person who can validate your feelings is you. If your gut feeling is not good then you need to listen to it and act on it.

I would mentally take a step back and just see what happens. At the end of the day, if you want him to buy you a card on your anniversary, make a fuss of you and acknowledge the fact that you don't like him private messaging other women on Facebook then you need to stick to your guns. You can't make him do anything and if he's not prepared to put you first then you need to work out what you are getting from the relationship. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear but it sounds like you deserve far more, my sweet.

But choclab it isn't nothing.

This is a big something to you. he should be doing his best to support you just now and a 10th wedding anniversary is a big one.

He has time to PM this girl but no time for you---he is taking the piss.

He should NOT be discussing your relationship with this girl.

Nip this in the bud now.

He is your husband and you should not be worried about his reaction.

Well what are your options?

You can let it go.
You can confront him and let him brush you off, tell you that you are being ridiculous.
You can confront him and demand to see the messages.

if you do demand to see the messages, you MUSt see them then and there because if you don't he will delete them, they will be gone and he will hide them better from now on.

Do not accuse him of having an affair but say that you are uncomfortable with the situation, you feel that he is hiding something about the messages and you will not rest until you have seen them. Tell him that if it is innocent you will apologise profusely and get some help for your insecurities. But you would like him to set your mind at rest and show them to you.
My husband refused and said that they were private. I kept on asking. In the end I had to threaten to leave (on the same day as initially asking) if he didn't give his phone to me. As he denied I became more sure that there was something there.

You need to be prepared. It might be nothing. But it may well blow your world apart.

It is not appropriate for him to be having secret conversations with another woman if you are not happy with the situation.

I have no idea whether the girl on FB poses a threat to your marriage, choclab. From your recent-ish posts, I don't like her. But the bigger issue is what's happening between you and DH. He's 'forgetting' about you, dismissing your feelings and failing to nurture you when you feel fragile. Whether or not there's anything going on between MsFB & him, these facts are real and pressing. It's no wonder you feel shaky, poor love.

Please try NOT to focus on MsFB too much. The danger is that you'll be blaming her for problems at home, which urgently need addressing. Can you please ask D to show you more care and consideration, as you're upset and need his support??

right , update .
Friday night .
had heated chat with DH friday night , regarding our ann , and how i felt , hurt and upset that he was awful to me on the day , forget the card thing i said its just the fact you said and did nothing ...and i said not many women would think that was ok !!!

he understood ..i left him to simmer as i took a shower ,i also said , we dont spend enough time together , i wanted us to go out and have some fun , thats all , we had no kids and the opportunity to just be us ..,i touched on the FB and computer thing , saying we both spend to much time on that , ...

anyway we were going to just go to tesco and get something to cook , but did end up in a returant , and talked , think he had a little think on what i said ..

he said he was sorry , we went home he lit a fire and sat talking , the next morning we set off to go shopping and spend day together ,
he raised the replys to his post on FB and mentioned the girl on there , i said yes i saw her replys ,i asked him how he knew her , to my shock he said they went out breifly years ago ....
he had added on the bottom , thanks for replys , we had a lovley evening in by the fire ..

he had also put new post stating " No kids , roaring fire and my lovley wife ..good times ...

so that i thought was good ,
we had a lovley day , he was very attentive all day and night ,

i have looked again on his phone , and FB seen some of the messages he /she had sent all were ok , but bit banter ..

this morning ,we had another brief chat as we were talking , and i did say how i felt about this girl thing , he said i had no worries but if i wanted he wouldnt do it at all , i said i just feel its wrong u doing that , as you are a happy married man , . and i stated i wouldnt expect you would like it if i did it ?
he said he agreed and hugged me , saying he understood .

so here i am ..feeling a bit better but ia bit shattered ,
i believe we have a fresh slate so will move on .

no point in bringing it up all the time he knows EXACTLY how i feel so thats all i can do i guess ..

thanks for listening to rant ...

Im feeling gutted ....

Are you ok choc?

I didn't post on this before but followed it. Has something changed since your update post and the last one?

Hope you're ok.

What's happened choclab.. your previous post looked quite positive.. :(:(:(

nothing has happened , its just me , he said thismorning , he wouldnt do it as it is upsetting me , and said , he loves me , and i have nothing to worry about ,

its just me ...feeling hurt i guess that whilst im greiving for my mum iv all this shit going on ....

just feel bit gutted ..

but its done out in open so got to get over it and move on ....

not alot els i can do , dont want to keep bringing it up ...got to just trust him ...

I agree that you don't need to be worrying about this when your mum passed away so recently. It sounds so difficult.

When he said he wouldn't do it does he mean not talk to that girl on fb?

Tbh I always say that you should go with your gut. Thats what you have done, you can't help how you feel. And yes you may feel you've got to trust him but you can't make yourself trust him. So don't try and force yourself at the moment.

Really hope you're ok

thanks ,

and yes he means on FB .

he openly said , was nothing in it and understands that it is upsetting me ..so will stop , and said i can look on FB any time i want ...

i hope he can now see what he has done and is sorry ,

i have always trusted him ,and never bothered by his friendships with other girls , i guess its cos its been private chat thats what i hated ...

the weekend has been lovley , really has , so i hope we r back on track now ...

what els can i do ? iv bought it up weve talked it through ...he knows how im feeling , i am goijng to trust him on that he will not message any more ...

i just got to get on havent i ?

.

the girl has been given far too much power and input in your relationship and entitlement to do so by your husband...

sounds like your intuition was correct to me... forget looking at his messages etc, if it was me with all I know now I would have a heart to heart with him with no kids in the house and ask him outright do you want to carry on this marriage

If my dp had been doing the same, I would have been bothered by private chats too.

I'm pleased you have had a good weekend together. I suppose there is nothing else you can do now, time will tell as they say, enjoy the rest of your weekend and its up to him to stop doing chats on fb over the next few weeks/months etc.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but have you thought of accessing any help from somewhere like Cruse to talk about how you are feeling about your mum? If you google Cruse they have a website and helpline. It just sounds like such a lot to deal with, and might help to have someone to talk to.

ooops posted this when reading page two, seems you have had the heart to heart!

you seem to not be much happier now when you say you just got to get on haven't I? something is still bothering you?

i have and he said yes , he very happy with us ...and loves me ..

in true SOME men fashion , he liked the attention chit chat talk... whilst iv been crying and in state over these past months thats it i guess ...been caught out ...realises now what hes done is hurtfull and what hes ... got and i HOPE going to get a grip ...

seems fair enough to talk to your husband about improving things between the two of you, feeling disappointed about the anniversary card etc.

but the messages sound quite innocent. It is just like email, except maybe less formal. I certainly message male friends, osmetimes with a kiss at the end.I'd be moritifed if their OHs thought anything of it.

But now, you really do have to try and move forward. You CAN'T let this sour the remainder of your year, marriage, whatever.

I imagine that he will expect the matter to be closed now. He's acknowledged that he was in the wrong, on both counts - Ms FB AND your "non" anniversary, and apologised for his conduct.

You can't continue to effectively punish him for it by continually thinking of it, or maybe bringing it up the next time you have an argument, and your mind then turning it into something that is in the present, not in the past where it should be.

Can I also recommend that you get in touch with CRUSE, the bereavement counselling charity. They offer free counselling sessions from trained volunteers who have also suffered bereavement, so although they might not have had exactly the same experience as you, they will still be able to empathize.

CRUSE has a website or the number is in the Yellow Pages, in the Useful Contacts bit (or whatever they call it).

Best of luck.

thank you all for help and support ...and your right meow .

i will look into the cruse site