facebook

[choclab]

not sure if im over reacting ..

my DH on FB ,has lots of friends , female to , i do to , not a problem ..

however ,i saw he is mailing a girl he knows they were exchanging conversation , be it light and about this and that ...

i said to DH , not sure i like that ? he said i was overreacting ...and was just a friend ..

he got quite defensive , i said i thought he was and he said he wasnt ...

am i over reacting ...

If he's going to blow up if you mention it then you may need to question it even more, because I think anyone who is feeling insecure and uneasy needs a reassuring arm around them, not an arguement. Of course, noone likes being 'accused' of being unfaithful, but if it's upsetting you this much, you need to get it out in the open for good. I know I'm totally going against what most of the other posters have said, but I'm a believer in listen to your gut feeling. Its got me thru life this far and has never been too wrong. I even guessed my friend and also DSs nursery teacher were pg before they'd known [weirdo emoticon]

so should i sit with him try to dicuss it , what if he kicks off ? he did this weeks ago and all i said was, i dont think i kile that to much ...other girls messaging you ...kind of half joking ...

he kicked off big time saying i was over reacting ...bla bla ...

im hurt that 10 years married , he didnt evon give me any card nothing .. kind ness at all ...not evon im sorry but you know i do love you ..

but found bloody time to private message this girl ....

I was replying to your OP with my post.

It sounds as if his behaviour is making you feel more anxious and unloved.

I would tackle that in as non confrontational way as possible. Don't leap to assumptions. He may just need reminding of how to treat a woman in his life. Ten yrs makes some forget :)

thanks will see how it goes

Let us know how you get on

Choclab am sorry to say this but methinks the lady doth protest too much. IME people overeact when they have something to hide I cant understand why he would kick off so much as its reasonable to query that sort of contact with another woman.Unless hes quite fiery in general ? Sorry.

I think it is his over-reaction to your gentle questioning that is a warning signal here

Sorry.

hes , trying to cuddle me thismorning , i said id been up most of night ....he said why? i said thinking ....he said dont blow this all out of proportion ....

iv been off , hes trying to be nice ...but no appology ...

am i over reacting to expect a little card for our ann ? if no card , an i love you or a squeese of a hand or cuddle or something ?

we r ment to be spending night together MIL having DC from school all night ...

should i try and make romantic meal gesture ?

i feel insecure but maybe its me ...

dont want to raise girl thing as i know will blow up ?

i guess if hed ...bothered to get me a" card OR an appology and a "you know i love you ," make it up to you tomorrow night type thing and or a cuddle , i think i wouldnt feel so insecure about this girl thing ...

its just in her post implyed "they" had disscust what was going to happen ..

god hate feeling like this .....did this in my 20's dont want this shit in my late 30's to old for mind games ....

Seems there are 2 things going on here - the fact you feel neglected by lack of anniversary card and your suspicions over fb friend.

One anniversary card - I once forgot and my H was pretty pissed off and said so. I was gutted I'd forgotten and apologised and all was well. I would expect an apology for that but would then move on from it quickly and not mention it again. Have you told him you feel a bit upset about that?

Try and distance that from the suspicion of fb friend.

When you talked to this fb friend about your night out what did she mean 'oh I've told him what I thought' what does that mean? I would be OK about private messaging as long as he showed me without looking shifty or got defensive.

Go with your gut feeling. Its usually right.
Keep one eye open and check his FB whenever you can. If he's up to anything he'll trip himself up soon enough.

On first glance of your op..i thought 'chill out'

But

reading on i wouldn't like it either - trust your gut.

Thanks ,

well hes trying to act like normal , working from home in office , think your right loves ..yes 2 issues here ,

iam gutted on his reaction of our ann ...as iv said ..its very hurtful to me that he doesnt evon think of it as being something special ...i haent told him yet , but i am festering on that ...and want tosay to him im really upset ,but frightened of reaction ...

the FB thing well i am bothered ...but maybe i am over reacting as the ann thing really pissed me off ..i dont know ...dont want to fly in as ..accusing and mad ....but WILL BE keeping eye on that one ....not much els i can do ...

any suggestions ?

so...

you have two subjects that are really bothering you, and you are afraid to raise both of them because you fear his reaction

I think you have problems here

More than private chatting on FB and no anniversary card.

Suggestions ? I suggest you look at your relationship very, very carefully as to why you are frightened to raise very valid concerns of yours with him. I would venture you are belittled and demoralised by him and his "reactions"

I thnk that is a bad place to be

Choclab, my instinct is that you are overreacting. On other threads you have expressed that you suffer from anxiety (mostly medical related, I understand) and you've suffered a lot recently.

You are understandably a bit worried and upset. But a man having a private email conversation with a woman is almost always not a sign of an affair. If it was, DH would have to believe that I'm having affairs with at least 5 men currently.

On the anniversary stuff, yes, he should't be forgetting. But he did put up something on facebook so he clearly does remember and publically wants to acknowledge that. I think you said also that there is something planned for later? Does he know that a card is important to you? or does he think facebook, an evening out and a cuddle is how he should address it?

Why are you so terrified of his reaction? Why? Is he violent? Will he scream and shout and frighten you?

The fact that, ten years after marrying this man, you are terrified of his reactions is not good, not good atall.

Speak up. If its all innocent there is nothing for him to fear, or get het up about.

As for no card, no nothing on your ten year anniversary. Very bad.

thanks ,

AF , when i say frightened i dont mean scared as such , just an expresion , i guess he may kick off about the mi trusting him ..he said last time a few weeks ago when i said i didnt like that he was messaging a girl , he said i was over reaction and not to go there , that he did love me ...

i am insecure i guess or just dont like the feeling of anothere woman messaging my DH ..

weve always talked and both know if either one fucks around its it ......as both have had happen to ourselves in past ...and maintained we would talk if one of us was un happy ...

i guess combination of , girl thing and not evon bothering in slightest for our ANN ..

Yes i have anxiety , and have had a tough time as lost my mum recently ,

god maybe its all me then ..[hm]

we r going out for meal tonight , suggested by me , i suggested we , talk and be nice to be away from computers for a change as hes on them alot and FB of corse ..

so hoping can talk then .

Maybe your anxiety is playing a role here, but he is doing a shit job of reassuring you

Tell him he needs to do more "open" things to show he cares

Like remembering a card, like listening with an open mind to your worries and not dismissing them as ridiculous

because you are not ridiculous, and you deserve to be heard, not belittled, and feel like you cannot say what you think

no no not violent at all ...or shouts .

i wouldnt put up with anything like that ....

we have talked a bit through the day , he says he was just very tired and hungry and just having an off day ...

just shame he didnt explain this at time or not happen on out wedd ann ..

Trust your gut.

This is all a little raw for me, I have a thread in relationships at the moment (dickFace) about my husband who has had an online fling with a woman that he has talked to on chat and FB.

You will feel now as if you are overreacting.

You will think that because they are talking about you, because she is wishing you well on your annivsary that there cannot be anything untoward. It is my 10 year anniversary next month. The OW and my husband made small talk about their respective marriages in the same sentence as dirty talk.

I am not saying that my husband is your husband. Just that he shouldn't be keeping secrets. I haven't had time to read all the thread so sorry if I ask a question that you have already answered

Do you know this woman?
Did he tell you he was talking to her?
Does he hide the conversations?
Does he spend a LOT of time online/on his phone?
Is he cagey when you ask about such things?

If you tell him that you are worried and all he does is tell you in a disparaging manner that you are overreacting and being paranoid, then I would say that you have issues. Because he is either hiding something, or he is just being a twat.

fuck yes to all the above ...

i dont know what to do , i was planning tonight to raise the issue of not spending enough time together and could do with spending less time on FB both of us ...and together ..

he knows im suspiciouse ...but last time said he has many friends girls ...

i just said and this is what i will say , it just doesnt sit well with me , we r married , why need to have private chats with another girl ...i dont like the fact she knows stuff about us ..

but he does as you said , react like its me and , its all fine , he loves me and not interested in anyone els ,

i just dont like it ...i really dont ...

i found out by chance as was sitting on his lap and he was showing me a clip in his wall and there i saw in inbox 2 messages , so i said ohh click on them u got a message and then , 3 or 4 with her name popped up .. i read a few and all brief ...but i wasnt happy felt like hed betrayed me ...

fuck what shall i do , do i come right out with it and say ,

hes going to deny it and say im being silly , want to see the messages , as he must have messaged her about our crap night , im sure she would have said well , how did it go ? ...

fuck im so confused

think im going to just come out with it and say how im feeling ...

Okay, so a man who truly loved you would want to make you feel secure (unless you are a furit loop every five minutes about all women), he would take the time and effort to make you feel like there is nothing to worry about.

You've been married for ten years. You just tell him that your mother died, your feelings are all over the place, he's private messaging a girl and then he doesn't bother on your anniversary....so how does he expect you to feel?

well said ...

exactly ...
no wonder im anxiouse and insecure , he hasnt exactly flung his arms round me saying he loves me ...

what if he says the girl thing im over reacting its nothing ?

Well, it may be nothing but you need to let him know that you require some input from him. Perhaps he could tell you how he's going to show you how much he loves you?