I hate myself for it but I'm ashamed and embarrassed by my parents

[overdone]

They have just been to stay for five nights and I couldn't wait for them to leave.

I have felt embarrassed by them for years to the extent that they have only met my MIL twice for the twenty years that I have been married. However, they show no interest in her or DH's family, never ask after them, have not even bothered sending Christmas/Birthday cards unless prompted. If they call me, they never ask after DH and never ask to speak to him.

I always go out of my way to avoid meeting anyone I know when they are with me as they are useless with other people and my mum has hardly any social skills.

Other things are:-

1. Appalling table manners. They never wait until everyone is sitting down before they start eating. I am frequently still dishing up while they sit down and immediately start eating. At lunchtime today, my mum had finished her meal before I had even sat down. She hunches over her food with her elbows on the table. She shovels far too much in her mouth and talks with her mouth full. Sometimes I can't even understand what she's saying.

2. They drink loads. They both fill their glasses right to the top and often fill their own glass/finish a bottle before offering any to anyone else. They get drunk and talk nonsense-my mum will slur and my dad will get argumentative.

3. They are greedy with food. If I take chocolates to their house my mum will open them straight away and not offer any to anyone. I hate eating out with them-a lunchtime example was my dad had two beers, starter, main course and cheese course with red wine. My mum had two courses, three large glasses of wine and a liquer coffee. DH and I had a main and one glass of wine. This is lunchtime we are talking about-I thought it was a bit excessive esp. as we were with DS who finds it hard to sit for very long.

4. My dad is always going on about his "guts" and how he feels "blown up" and his health problems. His took his sock off to show me his swollen foot when I was eating my lunch today. He farts and burps constantly-doesn't attempt to hold it in around us even though I've told him I find it offensive. He calls gay people "poofs" even though his own nephew (my cousin) is gay and very much part of the family.

5. My mum has a screechy "fish wife" voice and shouts and points her finger when talking which really makes me .

6. They profess to be christians but talk as if everyone else is wrong and my mum will say she "can't stand" someone-usually because they are gay.

7. For the last two nights, I've had no help with clearing up the dinner dishes. My mum sat on the sofa finishing a bottle of wine after I'd had one glass. I finally sat down at 9.30pm after making them coffee.

8. They are really messy and my mum is clumsy. She is always spilling or breaking things in our house and they leave mugs/glasses/plates on the top instead of putting them in the dishwasher.

9. My dad puts on a ridiculous fake cockney accent esp. when he's had a few to drink and talks a lot to me a "baby" voice which makes me want to vomit.

10. My mum has hideous dress sense. My eyes almost pop out of my head when I see what she's wearing sometimes.

Seeing all of this written down, they sound hideous. Yet, I know they really love me and apart from a few things in my childhood, I didn't have an awful time growing up.

I just feel so that I don't have the kind of relationship I would like with them. I feel so envious of other people when I meet their parents and they are so normal. I feel like my love for them has faded. I hardly ever go and see them (they live a fair distance away) and never want to speak to them on the phone. I would be happy not to have contact but I know they would be heartbroken.

I just can't take another 20-30 years of this. I have a tension headache the whole time I'm with them and just feel really cross with them.

Apologies for such a long post. Well done if you've got to the end. There is more to say but I've gone on long enough. I just needed to get this out of my system.

Please tell me if I'm being a snob or is this unacceptable behaviour?

It is unacceptable behavior, but you dind't raise them, you're not responsible for them, and for all their faults, they do love you - so focus on the comedy value.

My boyfriend often asks if my dad has popper in for his weekly criticize.

My god they sound ghastly

If you are a snob then I am noe too, because I would be as far away from these people as my little legs could carry me

I am estranged from my mother and stepfather because they are vile, selfish bullies and liars - but tbh reading your post they tick every single box there too

You have my utmost sympathy. And if you are looking for validation for sacking the horrible gits, here it is

Are they alcoholics?

Just a thought.

Well, I think it takes a lot of "guts" to admit that....

Some of the things are inconsiderate, but the drinking is OTT. I thought alcoholics too...

zazen, my dad was an alcoholic when I was younger and I remember him being in hospital. He didn't touch alcohol for about ten years and has started drinking again in the last ten.

If he drinks he just can't stop. He just keeps going until it runs out. He is the only one in our large family like that. At family gathering sometimes, they have encouraged him and I get really upset because he has sometimes been so bad, he can't even stand or walk properly.

I would say, once a alcoholic, always one but when I've talked to my mum, she says he is fine. I did listen outside their bedroom door last night and heard my mum giving him a hard time about his drinking. Mind you, she's no angel either and seems to be sinking a bottle or sometimes two, 2-3 times a week.

Greensleeves, I don't want to spend any time with them but I know they really love me. There was an incident about ten years ago when I challenged them on their behaviour but it turned really nasty with them playing the victim. My day laid into me hitting me and I said I was going to leave and didn't want to see them again. My mum and my brother begged me to stay.

I caved in as I couldn't bear to hurt them. Maybe I'm just a doormat.

You seem quite focused on manners and appearances. I can understand lots of it getting on your nerves badly and even embarassment, but why feel ashamed?

They aren't you, you aren't responsible for their short-comings. You remind me of me as a teenager when I still expected too much of my parents and Everything about my parents was irritating beyond belief.

My dad not day...

sorry, did you say your dad physically attacked you?

That's not love. It's unhinged.

for you

ragged, I not a perfectionist and don't expect perfect manners. There are so many more examples I could give but that would have been an even longer post!

Why do I feel ashamed? Maybe that's the wrong word. Def embarrassed, annoyed, irritated, angry, drained and sad.

So they are in denial.

Yes he did hit me. He was really drunk and I had been screaming at him that he was a "disgusting pig".

When I started screaming because he was hitting me, my mum came running and tried to get him to stop and he pushed her away saying "you can bugger off as well" and shoved her. She nearly fell down the stairs.

I feel a bit sad going over this as it happened ten years ago and feel maybe I should have "got over" it.

He did apologise (sort of) but only after I said sorry first and he had given me the silent treatment for a day.

overdone my mother would do a very convincing job of howling how much she loved me, if it was going to win her an argument or prevent me from trying to effect any basic changes in our relationship

she had me convinced for many years, in fact

but love isn't a word, it's about actions, and your parents sound to me as though they treat you with fuck all respect, fuck all consideration and haven't the slightest regard for anyone's feelings but their own

sorry if I am way off (not objective on this, can you tell?)

but emotional blackmail from your parents, of the "but we LOVE you!" variety, is one of the most corrosive and hard-to-shake forms of emotional abuse, IMO

I think it might make sense for you to seek some counselling about how you feel about them and what you want from the relationship in future.

My mom used to play lots of emotional games (blaming me for her divorce, that kind of thing, plus she she had vulgar manners, smoked like a chimney, pontificated and ranted tiresomely, had totally different tastes, and loved to be waited upon); I had to keep her at arm's length to keep my sanity, so I do relate to what you're saying, just not so strongly (maybe it's harder for you coz you got 2 parents like that).

I really sympathise with the OP, so I'm watching this thread with interest. I too find it unbearable being with my Dad in normal social company because he doesn't know how to have a friendly conversation with people without discussing politics, race and religion. It's absolutely horrifying. And I feel really mean for feeling the way I do.

It's true that we aren't responsible for our parents' shortcomings, but that knowledge doesn't lessen the embarrassment. And it doesn't diminish the guilt that I feel for feeling this way! Perhaps it's because we do love them that it's made worse.

I honestly dread occasions where he will have to mingle with my friends.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack this thread...just wishing to chip in with a very similar can of worms.

it's very sad that you feel this way about your parents really.
Can you think of anything good to say about them?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I can sympathise totally.

I do think this is a common problem, I also have a father I find unbearable to be around, totally annoying, and very embarrassing - nearly everyone who meets him dislikes him strongly straight away, he's just obnoxious.

It's easy to feel that most people have an easy loving relationship with their parents but there are many of us who don't.

As for what to do when you hate seeing your parents and it makes you depressed but they aren't doing anything actually bad enough to cut theom off completely, I really don't know, I am struggling to find the answer to that. I do konw that the thought of decades of having to keep seeing them makes me feel ill.

fancy meeting you here fennel

sometimes I think I am lucky my mother and stepfather were so extravagantly vile that I was definitely "justified" in cutting them off

because tbh even when they weren't doing any of the reall dreadful stuff that led to the break, the strain of being around them was making me ill

it is very, very stressful having a family who behave like this, even if that's the worst they do

oh, yes greensleeves, no surprises to find me on the 'parents who aren't quite toxic enough to cut off contact from but make me totally depressed to have contact with' threads.

sorry, had to go and sort out dinner!

ragged, i have had counselling on and off over the years and it helps to talk but the bottom line is I want someone to wave a magic wand and that is never going to happen. I had to see someone before my wedding as I was stressed beyond belief at the thought of them mingling with my friends.

The feelings always fade when I haven't seen them for a while and I swear that I won't let them get to me again next time I see them but it's always the same.

FrameyMcframe, they do have some good points. They are not bad people, I think they have become set in their ways and drag each other down.

Triphid, Fennel, Greensleeves feel for you all.

Fennel, I too feel really depressed about this going on for years and years. I've had about as much as I can take.

Yes Greensleeves, it is really stressful even if they aren't being physically, mentally or verbally abusive (although some of the things may be considered mental abuse).

Lol Fennel, I have looked at the toxic parents thread but thought that I would be laughed off the thread if I posted. There are some seriously twisted people who dare to call themselves "parents" out there.

This could be a kind of "not quite toxic, but makes you feel toxic being around them" thread.

People parent differently.
There is no question that they love you in their way,nowadays we are all very aware of childhood and I think the majority of us strife to make it as lovely as possible,however years ago family did not revolve around the dc.

Your parents have their habits,they are who they are and as adults they behave how they want.

Doesnt mean you have to like it just you either accept them as they are or spend smaller periods of time with them.

Greensleeves and I have talked about this before. I think in some ways the absolutely toxic parent is easier to deal with, once you recognise it, you have a reason to distance yourself.

It's harder - or I find it so - with the parent you can't stand, who winds you and everyone else up massively, who depresses and angers and embarrasses and irrirates the hell out of you, but you don't have a socially acceptable reason to just cut off.

I feel stuck seeing my parents too much, they don't take hints at all, or even direct telling of what we would like or not. They ignore it and carry on doing the things we've told them we can't deal with. But they aren't the worse ever, so we seem to be stuck with it. My siblings are in the same position too, it's pretty universal. I think I'm stuck feeling that reasonable adults do not just totally refuse to see their parents or let their parents see their grandchildren, but that's what I would like to do.

Overdone how did your wedding turn out wrt your folks mingling with your friends?

My Mum is a star - she's just lovely. And in all other regards my Dad is great, but he's socially very inept. I love them both dearly, but it's starting to make me worry about my own wedding. At my brother's wedding my Dad made a rather odd, irrelevant, not to mention embarrassing, impromptu speech. He didn't ask. Just did it. Anything is possible.

nickschic, it's hard to see them any less than I do. They live quite far away and I try to only see them a couple of times a year. So, because of this, i feel I have to stay a few nights when I'm with them and they usually stay approx 5 days here.

Fennel, totally agree. You've hit the nail on the head for me.

If I cut off contact I don't know how they would cope. When i moved in with my boyfriend (now my DH) my dad told me that my mum was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (he also told me "that it wasn't doing his sex life any good, WTF?) as they are christians and don't believe in living together.

I hate to think how she would take it if I said I didn't want to seem her again. Sometimes, I think they guess how I'm feeling when I go a bit quiet or am a bit snappy as my mum goes quiet. Then I feel guilty and start being all chirpy. God, it's exhausting.