I hate myself for it but I'm ashamed and embarrassed by my parents

[overdone]

They have just been to stay for five nights and I couldn't wait for them to leave.

I have felt embarrassed by them for years to the extent that they have only met my MIL twice for the twenty years that I have been married. However, they show no interest in her or DH's family, never ask after them, have not even bothered sending Christmas/Birthday cards unless prompted. If they call me, they never ask after DH and never ask to speak to him.

I always go out of my way to avoid meeting anyone I know when they are with me as they are useless with other people and my mum has hardly any social skills.

Other things are:-

1. Appalling table manners. They never wait until everyone is sitting down before they start eating. I am frequently still dishing up while they sit down and immediately start eating. At lunchtime today, my mum had finished her meal before I had even sat down. She hunches over her food with her elbows on the table. She shovels far too much in her mouth and talks with her mouth full. Sometimes I can't even understand what she's saying.

2. They drink loads. They both fill their glasses right to the top and often fill their own glass/finish a bottle before offering any to anyone else. They get drunk and talk nonsense-my mum will slur and my dad will get argumentative.

3. They are greedy with food. If I take chocolates to their house my mum will open them straight away and not offer any to anyone. I hate eating out with them-a lunchtime example was my dad had two beers, starter, main course and cheese course with red wine. My mum had two courses, three large glasses of wine and a liquer coffee. DH and I had a main and one glass of wine. This is lunchtime we are talking about-I thought it was a bit excessive esp. as we were with DS who finds it hard to sit for very long.

4. My dad is always going on about his "guts" and how he feels "blown up" and his health problems. His took his sock off to show me his swollen foot when I was eating my lunch today. He farts and burps constantly-doesn't attempt to hold it in around us even though I've told him I find it offensive. He calls gay people "poofs" even though his own nephew (my cousin) is gay and very much part of the family.

5. My mum has a screechy "fish wife" voice and shouts and points her finger when talking which really makes me .

6. They profess to be christians but talk as if everyone else is wrong and my mum will say she "can't stand" someone-usually because they are gay.

7. For the last two nights, I've had no help with clearing up the dinner dishes. My mum sat on the sofa finishing a bottle of wine after I'd had one glass. I finally sat down at 9.30pm after making them coffee.

8. They are really messy and my mum is clumsy. She is always spilling or breaking things in our house and they leave mugs/glasses/plates on the top instead of putting them in the dishwasher.

9. My dad puts on a ridiculous fake cockney accent esp. when he's had a few to drink and talks a lot to me a "baby" voice which makes me want to vomit.

10. My mum has hideous dress sense. My eyes almost pop out of my head when I see what she's wearing sometimes.

Seeing all of this written down, they sound hideous. Yet, I know they really love me and apart from a few things in my childhood, I didn't have an awful time growing up.

I just feel so that I don't have the kind of relationship I would like with them. I feel so envious of other people when I meet their parents and they are so normal. I feel like my love for them has faded. I hardly ever go and see them (they live a fair distance away) and never want to speak to them on the phone. I would be happy not to have contact but I know they would be heartbroken.

I just can't take another 20-30 years of this. I have a tension headache the whole time I'm with them and just feel really cross with them.

Apologies for such a long post. Well done if you've got to the end. There is more to say but I've gone on long enough. I just needed to get this out of my system.

Please tell me if I'm being a snob or is this unacceptable behaviour?

I'm not getting why you and others feel personally responsible for your parents' manners, unless you are under 22. Also, I wouldn't think much of 'friends' who judged me as they judge my parents - so that issue would only arise once with each friend, iyswim.

It's true that I dislike my own parents (one of them now dead, fortunately) but it seems weirdly shallow to base this on their social skills. So I wonder if there's something more important underlying your feelings about them? An alcoholic Dad is an emotionally absent one: your mother must have felt abandoned, too. These are the reasons why I'm seconding the advice to find a counsellor with experience of childhood/family issues.

It'll help to resolve anything you've chosen "not to look at" and, so, clarify your thoughts & feelings. If you then feel you want to 'include them out' of your life, you'll know the real reasons! Does that make any sense?

What were you thinking of 5 nights? Of course they're going to piss you off after 5 nights. It has to be 2 max, especially if they are anywhere near as bad as you say they are!

My dh's family are like what you say. I don't LIKE them but I'm not ashamed of them.

The sad thing is that is my sil who is a stupid little bitch is ashamed of her mother - that means she didn't bring her to be husband to meet her family for many years - part of the reason was that they are poor. I think she's a loser.

A few things about mil for eg. - she stays with us - she goes to the loo leaving the toilet door open - I don't want to see her doing her busines.

Last time I was at her place - at the dinner table she knocked her wine glass over and proceeded to LICK IT OFF THE TABLE.

I don't like her - but actually it's not for these reasons.

People come in all shapes in sizes.

Can you not separate your thoughts on your family from what you are? Should it impact on you that much?

I could have written a lot of your OP, and subsequent posts. It's hard: you love them, but they are annoying.

But, from what I understand (I am just starting on this myself), they are too bound up in your life. It's not right that you dad should feel he can comment on his sex life and suggest you're responsible.

I understand you don't want to cut contact completely. It sounds as if they still think your primary relationship is with them, though, so maybe you can take steps to change this? Can you or your DP have a sudden work crisis so you can't see them? Do you call them, and if so, can you stop and let them call you? Can you keep personal info. to a minimum?

I need to stress I am just trying these things out myself but your post rang so many bells I didn't want to ignore it.

Triphid, surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. My mum had threatened my dad with divorce if he got drunk before the speech, lol and he did do a really lovely speech. So yes, they do have occasions when they behave.

There were a few comments from in laws family that my mum hardly spoke to anyone but TBH, I'm glad. She was terrible when guests were going. She didn't thank them properly or chat, just threw a "bye" over her shoulder whilst sitting with her feet up and a glass of wine in hand....

They did get quite drunk later but not paralytic and she managed to find a nice outfit-not her usual "streetwalker" attire...

Organising the wedding was interesting though-she didn't have a clue. I did it all myself and I tried to involve her but on one occasion, she laughed down the phone about me wanting a string quartet-obviously thought we were trying to be "posh". I ended up putting the phone down on her. Well, you know how stressful organising a wedding can be....!

Btw, giveit, it is much, much easier to accept your in-laws than your family, isn't it?

< she knocked her wine glass over and proceeded to LICK IT OFF THE TABLE. >
Oh, I shouldn't but !
She's even worse than me! Respect

They sound very fat, but you sound like you've become a snob. They are your familly wether you like it or not.

My mum has no social manners either and smokes like a chimney and drinks all day.
She even sits in the living room in front of her grandchildren and wets herself in front of them with no shame.

But then she has a form of Dementure that means she can talk to you and remember everything but she has no pride or interest in looking after herself.

If you don't like them that much then make excuses for them NEVER to visit your home again.

A mum is for life not just for childhood!

Thanks for the last few posts. Some really interesting points. I've perhaps spent too long worrying about what other people would think of me (perhaps linked with my self-esteem?).

Also, my DH hasn't helped with this. He is brilliant with them and has been really tolerant over the years. However, he can't bear their awful manners, disgusting eating habits and bigoted views and is always quick to point all this out to me. He'll also critisise them and talk about them to my friends, even though I've asked him not too.

giveitago, I certainly wouldn't be embarrassed by them if they were poor. I would just like them to be less greedy, drunken, bigoted, oh, and extremely negative-did i mention that?

Please let's have a not-quite-toxic-enough thread!
My mother neglected me as a child and then emotionally abused me as a teenager but then calmed down a bit and now everyone thinks she's a sweet little old lady. So I look like the bad guy for being so uptight and snappish when she's around. She's also disabled now, though she's in denial about it, which makes it impossible to "look after her" as everyone assumes I should be eager to do.
I can't stand being around her because she triggers all the old feelings of rage and hurt, but keep feeling because the abuse was so long ago maybe I should be over it by now. But last time she came to stay I had terrible stress headaches for a month beforehand.

Ripeberry-fat??? No, they aren't fat-just greedy.

Sorry to hear about your mum.

yes, they are my family, that's why I have them to stay and cook nice meals for them and take them for days out and buy them thoughtful presents for their birthday.

Do, I get that back? Do I buxton.

I'm lucky if I get a card on the right day. They usually write a note inside saying "sorry we haven't got the shops, we'll sort it out when we see you". They usually do, but it would be nice to get something on the day. And no, it's not about the present or money, it about knowing someone has taken the time and effort to post a card/present/whatever in time for your birthday. Even DS got his card a week late and he's six!

When I got married, they promised to contribute. MIL did and they couldn't afford it at the time. I said if it's a problem, don't worry about it. They said, "No, no, that's fine, we'll get it to you, we are saving hard". We have still to see a single penny. They can still afford to have a new kitchen/sofa/carpets/go on holiday abroad every year though. Usually to Florida (Disneyland is their favourite place).

I think the thing is there isn't a definite line between toxic and not toxic parenting. I could write a description of my childhood that would have the whole of mumsnet agreeing I had toxic abusive parents, but that isn't really the case, they had dreadful points but weren't totally evil. in some ways they were quite good. Similarly as an adult, they do some dreadful things, but not everything they do is totally awful, so you get stuck.

the OP isn't really talking about manners or social nicities, a father who hit her when drunk etc, that's not a bit of bad manners. Or being utterly insensitive to her needs, that's not a bit of social trivia.

quiddity, so sorry to hear about what you have been through. Your experience sounds def. toxic enough for the "stately homes" thread .

Have you had any counselling?

I agree with you fennel. And I find the same - if I post about my parents I find people are keen to say they're terrible, but actually they are people with a lot of their own problems who did lots of good things too. That said, I did find it a great relief when people suggested to me that perhaps I didn't need to consider myself responsible for quite as much as my parents would like to say. It sounds here as if the OP could do with distancing herself from her parents, so she doesn't get so upset by them. That doesn't mean she has to define them as 'toxic' or disown them.

LRD, I don't know how I can distance myself anymore than I do.

They don't really phone me that much, perhaps once every 4-6 weeks and I call them rarely. We only see each other about twice a year.

Fennel, what you have posted about your parents, I could say the same about mine.

Yes, overdone, I have, but because my parents weren't quite toxic enough, the counselling mostly dealt (inadequately) with the consequences--terrible social anxiety and fear of intimacy, both of which have blighted my life and are still major problems.
No one ever really asked the details of how I was treated (since after all, my parents took me to stately homes etc) and it's only embarrassingly recently that I've read enough about neglect and emotional abuse to realise how much damage they can do. Until then I was beating myself up for being so pathetic and not getting over it decades ago.
Also I have a brother who wasn't affected in the same way, which made me think I was to blame for not being able to deal with it. I didn't know it's usually the eldest who's the victim and that family members are treated differently and assigned different roles. He was the golden child. Still married a toxic wife, though.

Five nights is too long when you feel so tense.anxious around them.

In future, limit visits to a much shorter time. They will (inevitably) irritate/embarrass you, but almost anything can be tolerated for a few days.

Five days/nights is a loooooong time.

How were they parented themselves? Do you know anything about your grandparents - as parents, I mean? Does that shed light on why your parents are as they are, and does that help?

Sorry overdone, was just passing on something that worked for me.

I do think five nights sounds like not a lot of distance, though. Do they really need to stay with you for all that time?

I think hassled is saying useful things about how your parents grew up.

My mum was brought up in a strict christian household with 3 sisters and a brother but she escaped and married my dad because she was pregnant with me. They didn't tell anyone and when I was born six months later, it was a shocker. My grandmother died six weeks later and my mum blames herself. She def has issues with all of that. She was desperate for me not to get pregnant before I was married.

My dad was an only child but I don't know that much about his childhood. Think his parents were quite controlling. I remember from my childhood they used to argue a lot.

From the little I know, their childhoods have obviously had an effect on how they are now.

I'm interested to know why you are so different from them ? did you leave home at a young age ?are all your other relatives aunts/uncles etc the same ? and if not how do they feel about them ? sorry if you've already mentioned but do you have any siblings ? and what's their take ?

I left home at 21 to work in another country. I think I was exposed to lots of new experiences and learnt how "normal" people behave.

It's weird, because I've always felt different from them. I remember thinking "I can't wait to leave home and start my life". My aunts(mums sisters) are all lovely and I get on with them well. We have talked a bit about this and they understand totally and even have their own stories. They are very good to my mum and dad but my parents have no friends. They never go out with anyone or have anyone round. They only see my aunts and uncles. I think other people have drifted away out of disgust...

I have two brothers, one close in age to me who feels the same as me but sees them more as he lives closer. My other brother is a lot younger and has been babied. he still lives at home at 27years of age and he is in training to be as bad as my parents.

Really sorry, but must go to bed. Thanks for listening and the advice.

Hope we can continue the discussions. Very interested to hear others' experiences too.

I think your dh is being rather hypocritical by being wonderful with them, and then dissing them to your friends, despite you asking him not to. Could he be making your perception of them worse perhaps? Do you not feel ashamed of them because of how dh perceives them?

In the end, you love them and they love you.
They'd probably do anything for you if the chips were down, and small things and irritations would mean nothing.

I think you've just had rather too much of them over the last few days and you'll feel warmer towards them when you've had some time and space away!