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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever contemplated an affair, just in your head, just for a min

56 replies

lazytoad · 09/09/2010 10:53

I was just wondering how normal it is for people to fantasize about or contemplate an affair even if deep down you know you wouldn't do it. Maybe with a friend or a colleague? Go on, be honest...

OP posts:
moocowme · 09/09/2010 11:14

fantasy is a normal part of a normal sex life for most people.

Bast · 09/09/2010 11:15

No, not even for a second have I ever considered betraying my partner.

nikki1978 · 09/09/2010 11:20

I have fancied people and had a little think about it but immediately thought no. I don't think many people go through their whole married life without getting a little crush on someone else. They come and go and you don't do anything - no big deal.

Bumperlicious · 09/09/2010 11:28

I do fantasise about other people occasionally, but not about an affair, I have to pretend I am not married in my head otherwise the fantasy just becomes stressful Grin

woopsidaisy · 09/09/2010 11:50

I honestly wonder how people get into an affair.I simply can't imagine how you go from knowing someone to sleeping with them when you are married.
However,I am in a fabulous relationship with Daniel Craig...in my head...Grin

MabelMay · 09/09/2010 11:56

sorry MNetters. But yes I have - and for longer than just a minute...

Original poster
lazytoad · 09/09/2010 12:41

and did you act on it MabelMay or were you able to stop yourself? I've only really started this thread because I've noticed how quick people are to judge others (or partners of others) on Mumsnet and I wonder how squeaky clean we really are, surely we are all human and can't all be perfect?

OP posts:
Bramshott · 09/09/2010 12:44

Surely everyone has if they're being honest?!

MorrisZapp · 09/09/2010 13:13

Of course I have, who the hell hasn't?

Relationships would be impossible if you didn't have the opportunity to flirt/ fantasise etc.

We can hardly be expected to open up our heads and scrub our brains with hot soapy water. Inner thoughts are a basic human right and mine are all mine.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2010 13:13

It's just a fantasy.

nikkershaw · 09/09/2010 13:14

blimey yes

Butterbur · 09/09/2010 13:42

Yes to fantasies, but like Bumperlicious, I have to be unmarried in my head, otherwise my fantasy self just keeps saying, "I'm sorry, I can't. I'm married." Which spoils the fantasy somewhat.

I do have sympathy for people who have affairs - I had a very injudicious love affair myself when I was young and unmarried, and I know how overwhelming it can be when you find Mr Inappropriate feels the same way. How you let yourself think "Well just a kiss won't hurt..." then a touch, then a night together, then you are hooked.

As someone older and wiser, I hope I would never even start a flirtation with a real person, as it's too easy go a step too far.

What I have no sympathy with is:

  1. Serial shaggers, male or female
  1. People who say "It was only sex. I don't love him/her." When they have wrecked their entire family for this sex.

I'd still never forgive DH if I found he'd played away. And he would never forgive me.

MabelMay · 09/09/2010 13:46

lazytoad i haven't acted on it. yet. I have already bored MNetters with it elsewhere on these threads.

it was just a silly fantasy until i found out he felt exactly the same way.

what about you, lazytoad?

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/09/2010 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EndangeredSpecies · 09/09/2010 14:14

Yes of course, usually for about three weeks once a year. Then I get over it.

ConnorTraceptive · 09/09/2010 14:19

Yes, am currently entertaining a fantasy affair with someone who is FAR FAR too young. But tis only fantasy would never act on it. Don't feel bad about it my fantasy DH cheated on me and left me for another woman first therefore no fantasy guilt Grin

pearlsandtwinset · 09/09/2010 14:25

Yes, but I am naturally a perfect person and he is totally imaginary. I find that much healthier as in the past I've thought about the odd people who are real (but never considered carrying it through). I learnt that I didn't find it very positive as would start thinking negative things about DH which were unfair on him.

What's more I much prefer my slimmer, richer svelte self Grin

sorrento56 · 09/09/2010 14:26

Yes I have, a few times and always with the same person. I like to think I wouldn't have gone through with it though Hmm.

Hulababy · 09/09/2010 14:28

I can honestly say that I have never fantasised about having an affair and cheating in DH.

MrsFC · 09/09/2010 14:32

I'm less than perfect. It's an easy thing to fall into and far too hard to get out of.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 09/09/2010 14:51

i have had several small crushes on relative strangers during my marriage, and it fair spices up a boring laundry day to imagine how things would go if you let them ... no harm done at all, just means i go through my day with a smile instead of a frown!

emilyemily · 09/09/2010 16:14

Yes, the occasional little crush and fantasies, who doesn't?

What I haven't done is had a fantasy where I am married to my DH but am sneaking around with Mr. Hot Stuff. So no, I wouldn't say I had contemplated an affair. My fantasies take place in a daydream parallel universe devoid of real-life ties.

garageflower · 09/09/2010 16:24

I'm not married but I haven't been in a serious relationship where I haven't had the odd crush/fantasy.

However, my last boyfriend had one of these fantasies and was really honest with me about it. I'm not sure I liked hearing about it although he said he thought it was better that he was honest and he knew he'd never act on it.

I think it was partly to try and make me jealous judging by the dynamics of the relationship but what would you ladies think if your partners had these crushes and told you about them? It's weird to admit them isn't it - when they're real life people (his was his manager at work).

emilyemily · 09/09/2010 16:33

Oh my goodness, garageflower, I would not want to hear it at all! I don't see the point unless he's intending to act on it. It would just make me feel insecure in my relationship. It's one thing to theoretically accept that one's partner may have the odd stay thought, and another to have it spelt out for you and every time he goes to work (as in your example) be wondering what he's thinking about his manager today, what's she wearing, are they flirting, does he wish I looked more like her etc...

garageflower · 09/09/2010 16:41

Emaily - I know, it was one of the things that really put me off him. He was a lovely guy but seemed to like to make me feel insecure. I think that was because I wasn't totally into him and it showed, so I guess it was his way of getting some kind of indication of my feelings.

The more I think about it, though, the more I realise that it was quite an immature thing to do if that was the case.

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