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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

taking it out on wife because you know you can

51 replies

goneforever · 08/09/2010 23:49

husband accidentally hits head on a low doorframe and gets very angry. as he leaves the room he shuts me in loudly and shuts another door loudly on his return through the house. the message, i am hurt and it is your fault. he has always been like this whenever he accidentally hurts himself. instinctively i said "you ok" and now, after years of this type of scenario, i think me even uttering a word after he has hurt himself really winds him up. so i should stop doing that. but even if i always manage to hold my tongue, i know he will always take it out on me. early in our relationship i protested, now i have just lost the will. i just dont want to be round him. his other guaranteed behaviour is to do this just before going to bed and to lie silently in bed and tomorrow morning he will behave like nothing ever happened, bring me a cup of tea, nothing is ever ever discussed or mentioned, i dont think he has ever apologised for anyting in his life (or certainly not to me i guess because he thinks he has never done anything to me to warrant an apology or acknowledge that his behaviour might be hurtful). no replies needed just wanted to type it out somewhere

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2010 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Orangerie · 08/09/2010 23:54

Some people are better not approached when angry, if that is his only trait I would keep my distance until he has calmed down.

Now if this is one thing between many... well, you know that this is not something you are required to endure...

MrsFlittersnoop · 08/09/2010 23:55

How long have you been putting up with this behaviour?

Original poster

goneforever · 08/09/2010 23:58

on the positive side he has never been physically agressive or abusive to me. my mum endured years of it from dad but my husband isnt like that. neglect is more his style. sometimes on balance i feel lucky in light of my mums experience

OP posts:

Alambil · 09/09/2010 00:07

"the message, i am hurt and it is your fault."

that's abusive

quiddity · 09/09/2010 00:15

How could your expressing concern "really wind him up"?
If you hurt yourself and someone asked if you were ok, would you fly into a rage with them?
The name of your thread says it all.
Reasonable people don't react like that.
It's not your fault.
He's winding himself up.

Footlong · 09/09/2010 00:16

So he shuts 2 doors loudly when he knocks his head? Then sulks, but in the morning he is over it and brings you a cup of tea in bed?? Thats it?

And someone is telling you to leave him?

Unbelievable.

Just wait until you are both in really good moods, and mention it then.

pluperfect · 09/09/2010 00:22

Oh really lucky because he;s not as bad as he could be. I'm not trying to be nasty to you, but do take it from an outsider, hearing this, that it's not normal, nor should it be. Why should he get to make you tense and uncomfortable all the time?

Well done for posting this, though. If you were still thinking it was all right, you wouldn't have dreamed of asking.

Footlong · 09/09/2010 00:26

All the time? I thought he just did it when he bumped his head on the doorframe?

Tortington · 09/09/2010 00:39

dh is very much like this.

if he shouts at me i just say " fuck off you nobber, come back and apologise when you've got over yourself...prick... i didn't bang your fucking head, YOU did you dozy nob"

he might storm off or whatever, but he will later come back and say sorry

TBH though, if say i was cooking and dd was mithering me for something and i burnt miself - i might raise my voice.

OOH OOOH - i have an eample from saturday.

i was rearranging books on a high shelf when they all fell off and twatted me on the head. really really hard, i will have a scar and my forehead was bleeding. as i am stood there in shock, dh says " are you ok, what've i told you about short arses doing things that they can't reach " or sommat similar.

and i said " FUCK OFF!! with your 'short' jibes"

NOW if i hadn't got twatted ( by buffy the vampire slayer ...shit you not) i can take his shotist remarks all day long and give as good as i get and take them in good humour

dignified · 09/09/2010 01:00

Is this just when hes hurt himself or at other times ? Is the sulking in bed related to hurting himself or just general sulking ?
What has he said when youve said you find it hurtfull ?

aurynne · 09/09/2010 01:13

Goodness, Custardo... in no circumstance would I even swear at my DP like that, or would he swear at me. Are you both ok with using that language towards each other?

Back to the OP, some people get angry when they are physically hurt. However, a line has to be drawn about taking it on you. He sounds annoyed that it wasn't you who hurt yourself!

needafootmassage · 09/09/2010 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

goneforever · 09/09/2010 07:55

thanks all for comments, as predicted cup of tea and put various things out on the line to dry new laundry in the washing machine etc - this is his non verbal way of apologising or going to work thinking "i am supportive to my wife"
i did talk to him briefly about it this morning. he said "i am just angry i hurt myself" to which i say i know, i do know him inside out and this is exactly how he behaves but the slamming of inanimate objects is always impliedly at me and it leaves me feeling very empty and like shouting "what did i do exactly??". then i start over thinking it and blaming myself, thinking i should not have said the two words "you ok" etc.
i said to him the real thing which gets me is the out of control bit - it can all kick off in an instant with absolutley no notice because it is the result of things i have no control over. not like an "arguement" where someone might suggest there is some kind of provocation or the "two to tango" element of it. in these cases it is just "i am having a bad day so you are shit" implication

OP posts:

catwalker · 09/09/2010 10:44

I'm afraid if I banged my head or really hurt myself and, while still wincing from the pain, someone said, "are you ok", I'd probably respond, "of course I'm bloody not!". Can't help it, it's an instant reaction. Of course I'll apologise when the pain subsides, but sometimes "are you OK" just sounds like a silly and irritating thing to say when I'm clearly not! How do you know the slamming of inanimate objects is "always implied at you"? Maybe he's just taking his anger out on inanimate objects because he's annoyed that he's hurt himself?

PosieParker · 09/09/2010 10:51

My DH is humourless when he hurts himself, which makes me giggle if it's not serious, or if the dcs jump out on him and frighten him. I just think 'wanker'.

Blaming you for hurting himself makes him a five year old, actually not even that just a tosser.

ljgibbs · 09/09/2010 11:34

I think you have low self esteem issues.

How is he blaming you when he slams doors?
It sounds like he takes his frustration/anger out on the door.

Maybe he lies silently in bed 'cos he realises what a dick he has been, but he doesn't know how to articulate that to you and rather than admit his dickedness out loud he apologies by bringing you tea in bed.

Bramshott · 09/09/2010 11:39

I think you may be taking it a bit personally - I usually feel very cross with myself if I hurt myself (as I'm such a clumsy oaf), and might well slam a door, but that wouldn't be because I was cross with anyone except myself!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/09/2010 11:40

Agree with ljgibbs. If I hurt myself, I have been known to slam doors/be arsey. It's not directed at anyone, it's simple frustration at my own clumsiness.

zazen · 09/09/2010 11:49

Such a lot of anger...

maybe try telling him that when he bangs things you feel afraid.

ask him not to slam the doors if he's angry - to take it somewhere else with him... not to dump it.

I feel for you both; it's not easy living in an atmosphere where there is such a lot of fear and anger.

Maybe he needs a physical sport to channel away his physical energy, and to learn physical discipline.

zazen · 09/09/2010 11:50

Also goneforever "i just dont want to be round him."

You should probably look at that statement of yours more closely.

And leave.

OrmRenewed · 09/09/2010 11:57

I think it's normal to react angrily when you really hurt yourself. If I stub my toe the last thing I want is anyone talking to me - unreasonable maybe, but not abnormal. My dad is the gentlest man imaginable but he would go totally quiet if he hurt himself and snap if anyone spoke to him. It hurts and pain makes you react differently. My son does it too. I leave him alone - say nothing and do nothing unless he asks for help and give him a hug when he's calmed down a bit.

Original poster

goneforever · 09/09/2010 12:01

two babies one 21 months one 3.5 months. am currently looking into how feasible it is for me to live on my own getting somewhere to rent which i can afford. it must be hell for him. maybe i do have low esteem issues, i dont know. i guess maybe i am afraid he will come back and hit me too as well as the doors which he has never done. he has admitted to me that he has coped with our two babies by "pretending it never happened". i am reacting by trying to make that true for him and in that way blameless for the situation (that we now have two babies). god it all sounds so f**ked up when i type it. better stop typing now.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 09/09/2010 12:23

I'm not sure that it is likely that somebody who slams doors might then hit you. Hitting people is very different to kicking the wall or whatever.

My DP was needlessly curt with me the other night due to Scotland's poor performance in the Euro qualifiers. I just said 'blimey, no need to take it out on me' and within minutes we were back on normal terms.

I think that if you feel uncomfortable all the time then you have to address the underlying issue, but if your otherwise lovely DH is capable of being an arse occasionally then 'leave him' isn't very helpful.

I suspect that if you yourself were hurt, ill or upset and then spoke sharply to your DH you'd be told you were normal and that he should support you.

EricNorthmansmistress · 09/09/2010 12:56

he has admitted to me that he has coped with our two babies by "pretending it never happened". i am reacting by trying to make that true for him and in that way blameless for the situation (that we now have two babies).

Yes, this is extremely fucked up. Did he not want children? Have you taken all responsibility for getting pregnant? Was it against his will? Does he ever help/do his part with the children? Do you run about trying to keep them seen and not heard so they don't make their presence too much known? Ack, this sounds very wrong.

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