taking it out on wife because you know you can

[goneforever]

husband accidentally hits head on a low doorframe and gets very angry. as he leaves the room he shuts me in loudly and shuts another door loudly on his return through the house. the message, i am hurt and it is your fault. he has always been like this whenever he accidentally hurts himself. instinctively i said "you ok" and now, after years of this type of scenario, i think me even uttering a word after he has hurt himself really winds him up. so i should stop doing that. but even if i always manage to hold my tongue, i know he will always take it out on me. early in our relationship i protested, now i have just lost the will. i just dont want to be round him. his other guaranteed behaviour is to do this just before going to bed and to lie silently in bed and tomorrow morning he will behave like nothing ever happened, bring me a cup of tea, nothing is ever ever discussed or mentioned, i dont think he has ever apologised for anyting in his life (or certainly not to me i guess because he thinks he has never done anything to me to warrant an apology or acknowledge that his behaviour might be hurtful). no replies needed just wanted to type it out somewhere

He just sounds like a horrible person, sorry.
You just have to work out whether or not you want to be with a person who treats you this way (and this behaviour has nothing to do with YOU, or your self-esteem issues or anything else, it's him doing something to you, not the other way around). You might decide you can put up with it or you might not. If you do, think about how to protect your children from the worst of it, because it'll affect them more and more as they get older.

christ almighty, what the fuck is wrong with this bloke ?

what an utter dick

I too think it's normal to react angrily if I hurt myself (dh does it too).

Just don't say anything, he's taking it out on the door, stop taking it personally.

The first couple of posts don't sound particularly bad - DH hurts himself, has a bit of a strop (as is common), OP for some reason thinks it's directed at her which it may not be.

However at this:

"he has admitted to me that he has coped with our two babies by "pretending it never happened". "

This is the real issue. As Eric asks, did he not want children? How can he possibly pretend it never happened? Does he think that is acceptable?

I don't think the door slamming is an issue - I do it, DP does it. In fact most people I know get a bit pissy if they've hurt themself. It's usually embarrassment and anger at themselves. So I do think you're reading too much into it.

Am about the 'pretending it never happened' part. You need to talk to him about this and whether he really wants to be a family.

What are you actually posting about OP? The stuff about kids or banging his head?

Odd.

I was reacting to the later posts, not the OP

I think goneforever knows very well what she's talking about.

She does sound like she blames herself for his choice of behaviour.
quote"it must be hell for him. maybe i do have low esteem issues, i dont know."

I think you are focusing on the wrong person actually!

Give women's aid a ring and have a chat with them will you?

Living with ongoing violence such as slamming doors and shouting can be very hard and they might have some advice for you.

Good luck with getting somewhere safe for your self and your lovely babes goneforever.
I think you deserve a better life than living with this fear.

Zazen - slamming doors and shouting is not "ongoing violence".

I believe it is violence catwalker: I humbly suggest you re-read the OP.
"but even if i always manage to hold my tongue, i know he will always take it out on me. early in our relationship i protested, now i have just lost the will. i just dont want to be round him."

That sounds like violence to me.

The fact that everyone else who has posted on this thread seems to think it is OK to act out and hit back at inanimate objects that jumped poor little you is irrelevant.

Hitting out and shouting is very unsettling for those close by, and may contribute to the OPs feeling that she has to walk on eggshells, and her poor self esteem.

I'm amazed at the lack of anger management shown in this thread: Please don't think just because you feel that it is OK to lash out, because you are klutzy and have hurt yourself, that you are somehow entitled to cause a rumpus, and be violent, because it's not reasonable or acceptable behaviour from an adult.

Sounds more like a toddler tantrum well past its sell by date to me.

Goneforever, I hope you feel you are entitled to your feelings and that you act on them.
Wishing you a peaceful, safe and happy future.

Are you an Asian Lady?

goneforever if you're still here/reading this, I wonder if your behaviour (which appears from these posts to be placatory) is as a result of your childhood (ie you do all you can to avoid confrontation/violence). I would seriously suggest looking into this if you can as you may find yourself repeating the same kind of behaviours until you're able to react without fear that you will be harmed.

I hope you are ok. I do think your relationship sounds unusual and all the "power" (for want of a better word) seems to lie with your husband. I don't think this can be healthy.

"but the slamming of inanimate objects is always impliedly at me and it leaves me feeling very empty and like shouting "what did i do exactly??".

The slamming of a door in this situation (ie in the absence of an argument or disagreement) is just that -the slamming of a door. It really isn't about the other person in the room.

The dh may not be exhibiting the most adult of behaviours but as has been sait it is normal to get a bit angry when you have hurt yourself.

I am with zazen. I think the OPs posts are very evocative of an emotionally abusive situation. I believe, Belle, that you are blaming the OP, that she is over-reacting, that it is her fault for being too sensitive, that the power lies with her husband because she has not seized it.
I think others on the thread have reacted the same way, implying that she's being rather drippy, and I feel extremely sad that this is how she's been received.

I think this must be a very depressing man to live with, at the very least.

Zazen - "taking it out" on her does not necessarily equate to violence. The OP says her DH has "never been physically abusive or aggressive" towards her. Hitting out at inanimate objects and shouting may not be very pleasant, but it is absolutely not "ongoing violence".

Catwalker: if you have ever spent 24 hours with someone who is too angry to speak to you, who slams doors, who snaps at your every word, so that you hardly know what to say or what to do, and you're keeping the children out of the way, and shushing them because you don't want to cause further irritation, but you don't know what will set off the irritation, so you are wrong if you speak, and wrong if you don't speak, and wrong if you are there in the room, and wrong if you are not there -- then you will understand a little better.

But he is not like this for 24 hours. He is like it after the incident only. Slamming 2 doors is not that extreme. And he does this only when he hurts himself which is how often exactly?
So we have a person who reacts in quite an extreme way to a situation caused by himself because of a loss of control. Nothing is directly aimed at the op and no verbal or physical abuse has been mentioned. It is an odd trait to have but something to leave over?
The comment about the children is very odd- was it said in jest,heat of the moment etc etc..patently obvious that it is impossible to pretend it never happened. Does he take an active roll in the family as the father or not?

Chippy - exactly.

Appletrees - however unpleasant the situation you describe (which is not the situation the op describes) it is NOT ongoing violence as zazen states. It's insulting to suggest that those women who do suffer ongoing violence are in the same category as someone whose dh reacts badly to hurting himself, slams doors and sulks. The op says her dh has never been violent towards her. Let's keep things in perspective shall we?

The comment about the children is, however, a different matter altogether, but one which the op needs to explain.

And, for the record, I have just banged my knee incredibly hard on the kitchen door frame whilst side-stepping the dog's bed which he insists on dragging around the house. It hurts like hell; the air is still blue; I swore at the dog's bed and then kicked it across the kitchen floor (the dog's BED, not the dog, before anyone calls the RSPCA). I suspect if there had been anyone hovering anxiously behind me asking if I was OK I would have chewed their heads off. As it was, the dog came up to me wagging his tail and I pushed him away and told him to leave me alone. I'd probably have said the same to dh if he'd been in!

"It's insulting to suggest that those women who do suffer ongoing violence are in the same category as someone whose dh reacts badly to hurting himself, slams doors and sulks."

Um, slamming doors, sulking and hitting inanimate objects so that your partner is walking on eggshells and nervous, is v. often the precursor to going on to actually physically assaulting that partner. No man suddenly hits a woman out of nowhere. He wears her down over months or years by undermining her confidence, sometimes with verbal and/ or emotional abuse, sometimes with the sort of behaviour the OP's DP is exhibiting, sometimes a mixture of both plus other stuff.

So I don't think this behaviour should be breezily dismissed - it may not be important, but it may be, depending on other factors. And the other factors I would point to as being red flags, is the failure to ackowledge that he's behaved like an arse afterwards and apologise for that and the comment about the children. That's the important thing IMO.

Yup asnother one here, who gets angry/upset/embarrassed when I hurt myself, specially if it is a stupid way to hurt myself - then the embarrassment kicks in.

I think to a point you can afford to relax a little more around your partner, so you can swear a bit and hit the thing that hurt you, as if it's the thing's fault, wheras if you are at work, then you have to have a certain level of behaviour that you don't have to display at home. It's not necessaruly a lack of anger management, it's just called being human and in pain and feeling a bit silly.

That in itself is not indicative of anything wrong, but if there are other things going on in this situation that we don't know about then it may be a different matter.

I also get a bit annoyed if dh asks me if I am OK when I hurt myself, I feel that it is drawing attention to my stupidity. Yet I know that he is only being concerned so I try to suppress the reaction - but I tend mutter a grumpy "I'm fine!".

goneforever - I hope you haven't goneforever

Whether his behaviour is classed as abusive or not, it certainly isn't normal, and is not acceptable.

Personally, I think it is abusive for the following reasons:

• It makes you feel like getting away from him.

• It makes you change your behaviour to avoid irritating him.

• It makes you question whether it was your fault.

• It is deeply hurtful.

If you check out WA, read books on bullying/emotional abuse/control, work on your self-esteem...etc. you will then have the tools to recognise what's going on.

I have a dp who does this. It's more than 'ow, of course it bloody hurts' which most of us do. He slams doors so hard that bits of plaster fall off & we have 2 broken door frames. Similar to the op he'll blame me if he bumps himself; spills a drink; cooks custard that's a bit lumpy
or messes up a gear change & it does involve shouting, swearing & blame & then a really tense atmosphere for ages afterwards. He scares our children, though sadly ds is starting to copy him.

We all live in fear of his moods - when he comes back from a bad day at work, he'll pick and pick until someone snaps back at him & that person will then get all the pent up anger. He also can't bear anyone having a different opinion to him - sees this as a personal attack rather than a friendly discussion.

Like the op's dp (I think) he sees himself as an old-fashioned male provider & thinks that he deserves respect/admiration for this & yes, I have low self esteem too.

Not asking for help on this but trying to explain that someone making a fuss when they bump their heads can be unpleasant.

gad Earth, how awful, I hope you can do something about this situation soon, if only for your children.

Take care.