Please can anyone share or talk to me about 'alternative' relationships ?

[mymuchness]

OK deep breath - I'd really like to know about alternative relationships and how it works both practically and emtionally, what the pros and cons are etc.

I just feel that marriage is so confining and also that oddly I wouldnt mind if my husband was with other women if he could learn from those experiences iyswim?

Does anyone have any experience or thoughts?

p.s Ive name changed for this so as not to out myself

i have a friend with this type of relationship. he is married and his wife also has a boyfriend who she goes and has weekends with occasionally. they are very happy together and he is a good friend of mine.

i think what it really comes down to is setting the boundries and rules just like in a manogomous relationship.

This book contains anecdotals from a variety of different relationships (from the woman's POV) - at least one I can recall from memory talks about an "open relationship". Theory books are fine, but this book is great (imo) because it's from real people.

www.amazon.co.uk/Bitch-House-Cathi-Hannauer/dp/0066211662/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284014948&sr=8-3

Shiney beat me to it! You need SGB...

The Ethical Slut is supposed to be good.

Definitely The Ethical Slut (available on Amazon), and there's another reasonably good one called Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
Open relationships don't suit everyone but they work very well indeed for some people. Have you talked this through with your H yet? It's worth discussing it to see how both of you percieve it working out. Do you want fuckbuddies on the side or secondary lasting relationships - your marriage would be the primary relationship? Do you want a menage a trois, or a third party who is involved with both of you? Or is swinging more suitable for you?

The key factors in making it work are being honest with yourself and everyone else involved, being able to make time and emotional space for everyone, agreeing the rules between yourselves and sticking to them.

Thanks guys - I just feel that there is so much to learn in life that I dont want to restrict mine or my partners expereinces to just me. He has told me about someone who is interested in him and I basically want to tell him to go for it. I dont feel jealous etc. The main concern I have is obviusly how others react to this (clearly the 'OW' would need to 'consent' in the same way as I am and would catagorically need to accept that there would be no marriage or babies for her..?? - Would that be realistic?). My husbands occupation could make this difficult too especially if it got out that this was accepted by us both. I can envisage being emotionally and psychologically capable of dealing with this and making it work - but really from a practical perspective - could it...?????

Hmm tricky, tricky. You do have to accept I guess you can't predict her actions.

What if she agrees but the decides she want's more? WHat if she gets pregnant? SO many what ifs.

Especially if it got out due to bad choices and it could wreck his career.

I don't know if this is what you want, but I've been the other person in an open relationship.

IMO, it was not great - possibly because of lack of communication/ because the couple weren't as ok with it as they'd thought. I knew a couple who insisted being open was so wonderful, great for them and so on. I slept with the husband and found it very off-putting that he told me (mid, ahem, business) that I must be careful not to 'leave marks' as that was the rule he and his wife had. I felt a bit strange, tba. The guy and his wife eventually admitted to my now-DH (who was then their good friend, and not my partner) that they didn't really think through the consequences. They expected that random one-night stands would be with faceless strangers, who would then stay single - and they are somewhat upset that for me it was a one-night stand that's part of my life before DH, whereas for them, it seems to be a significant event in their marriage.

I think you need to consider not just whether or not you're ok with the idea of your partner sleeping with someone else, but also the reality that, unless that someone else is a prostitute, you may well know them and they will almost certainly have a life beyond you and your DP.

THe thing is, monogamous relationships go wrong. Lots of times. Not always because of issues over monogamy, either - yet people never seem to say 'Oh my friend/mum/colleague had a monogamous relationship that went horribly wrong, monogamy's terribly tricky, maybe we're not built for it.' the same way that anecdotes of monogamy-free relationships running into trouble are always accepted as proof that only monogamy works.
There are no real guarantees in life, for anything. Noisy self-promoting monogamists can suddely fall in love/lust with another person and act on it. People can remain in an exclusive relationship and then one of them might get really ill or die suddenly.
Or a couple can agree to try swinging/dating outside the relationship and find that it's not for them but agree on this amicably and revert to monogamy without the sky falling in.

WRT people finding out, there are ways of minimizing the risk of this: getting pissed and inviting the neighbours to join you in bed is not one of them. It's usually best to do your first experimenting somewhere like a swingers' club some distance away from home rather than with friends, as it doesn't matter if people you are never going to meet again think you are daft or selfish or whatever.

OMG...this is never a good idea.

AlisonDubois:Bullshit. I know lots of couples who have been living in open or swinging relationships, happily for 10,15 or 20 years. It doesn't work for everyone who tries it but nor does monogamy.

OP, by "alternative" you are talking about polyamory, are you? Definitely, read The Ethical Slut, it's brilliant. Also, try some of the online resources; there's some good forums out there where you can lurk and get an idea of the issues that crop up.

As long as you're not considering it in order to 'keep your man', as a good friend of mine did, I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. I have friends who have very succesfully negotiated this type of relationship, and have done so in various ways. I.e., I know two couples, one married one handfasted, where one of the blokes and one of the women play together, but the other two people don't, and it's very casual and very occasional, and it's just not an issue for them. Others have a more formal structure, with defined primary, secondary and tertiary relationships. In one friend's case, that meant that if the primary partner always had 'first dibs' on her time and attention, but otherwise she would choose with whom she spent her time.

Everyone has different rules. Just talk about it, and keep talking.

Hi Extended - is that you?

Early in my time here there was a thread on alternative lifestyles that became a Mumsnet Classic.The OP was called Extended but I was never clear if he/she was genuine, genuine at the start but after hostility decided just to wind folk up or a 100% troll.

Dejavu: I don't think it is. Really would prefer not to see this thread derailed with Extended-itis when open or multiple relationships are something worth discussing.

Why on earth would someone asking about (afaik) polyamory have to be the same person as someone, years ago, who was extolling polygamy (a different thing)?

OP, I can't grasp from your posts whether you want to be free to play with other partners, or whether you just want to give that opportunity to your husband?

Tortoise: Because some people cant cope with the idea that there are quite a few people whose relationships function fine without monogamy, therefore everyone who mentions it without the usual boohooing 'my hubby wants sex with other women shall i kill him?' stuff must be a troll.

I'm a total novice in this stuff really - my husband and - have only ever had one relationship - with each other. He's told me about a woman at work who has made some moves on him and I feel excited for him and half want to tell him to go for it. -Its led to lots of discussions on the way relationships work and what we want from life. For me I feel lifes purpose is about loving and learning and probably that you can't continue this learning with just one partner. I haven't particularly wanted to look outside our relationship but really my life at the moment is so busy with our 3 children that I'm too tired to even contemplate it - although I love sharing intense moments with people (non sexually).
It would be great if you could link me to some online forums about this as I'm not sure what to google!!! Will get that book too... -Its not that I want to 'subscribe' to a lifestyle - I just want to love and learn and support my partner in doing the same - whether that's with each other, sexually, through deep friendships or simply meeting and chatting with othersm

talk, talk, talk and more talk.

If you want an "open" relationship then you have to be open about it. You have all know what you are getting into and where the boundaries lie

Will it be one woman / man ? Or will it be an open door to a mulitude?

Will you discuss the other relationship or not want to know anything about it?

Will they attend work parties?

How will the finances work?

You absolutely have to trust each other to be honest with the terms and understand where you are both coming from.

And agree that if either party decides they can no longer deal with it, then it stops.

And there-in lies the problem.

It is easy to agree to it but fair more difficult to make it work for everybody involved.

mymuch if you want to look at forums try www.fabswingers.com

You can set your husband up with a profile if you want to or you can look together if you want to be a part of it. And I believe there are forums there too.

Sorry, I'm going to post again because I looked back over this and I didn't say what I meant very well. SGB is of course right when she says that monogamy doesn't always work, and we shouldn't expect polyamory to either.

I think a potential problem is, will you swing (ie., with other like-minded couples)? Or do you want to form primary/secondary/tertiary relationships? If you do the latter, I think it may be difficult. You need to know exactly how the secondary feels - are you sure he/she isn't being used by you and your partner? You also need to think how you might feel about their situation changing: will you mind if they move on, if they end up in a relationship with your tertiary, if they have differing expectations about the public nature of their relationship with you or your partner?

Hope that clarifies - I do think it's important to think not just about you and your partner's relationship, but also about anyone else you might bring into it.

There are couples where one or other have emotional/sexual relationships outside the primary relationship, at least for a period of time. I know one couple who were married who also both had long term lovers on the side. This worked for both of them for AGES - up until the youngest child was in teens.

Then the husband's lover got pregnant and he decided to make the break. The wife was devastated as the set-up had worked very well for her. But she still has the boyfriend!

I have heard of another couple where there is an agreement that they can have sex with other people. Apparently the husband is very aroused by the idea of his wife being turned on by another man and finds it very erotic (not sure if he joins in or not) So for them jealousy is not a problem.

Each to their own I suppose!

Solid gold - keep posting, it is refreshing to have views that are not firmly embedded in suburbia, with a couple with 2.2 children, labrador, picket fence and roses around the door!

LRD is absolutely right: a common mistake made by couples who decide to open up their relationship is to forget that the other people they involve have feelings and needs too. Though obviously the couple's relationship with each other is important to them, that doesn't excuse treating othe people like live sex toys who can be played with then just stuck back in the box: courtesy and honesty are important for everyone. Yes, sometimes a third party does start wanting to move the goalposts (or one half of the primary couple does) - again the solution is to keep talking and keep listening.