Please can anyone share or talk to me about 'alternative' relationships ?

[mymuchness]

OK deep breath - I'd really like to know about alternative relationships and how it works both practically and emtionally, what the pros and cons are etc.

I just feel that marriage is so confining and also that oddly I wouldnt mind if my husband was with other women if he could learn from those experiences iyswim?

Does anyone have any experience or thoughts?

Thanks SGB. Also, I think you have to consider how you will feel if someone you're involved with decides it's not for them any more - if a third person leaves you, will you feel sad? Possessive? Will they have free reign to go if they like, or are you assuming their involvement will be permanent? The rule book hasn't been written, so you all need to think very carefully what your positions are - and you need to communicate it clearly.

dodsonandross.com/

This is an American site but very pro alternative relationships/polymory/swinging and anything to do with female sexuality.

I have a question, sorry but i'm just woundering how the children are treated in open relationships.

Do they know about the other person?

Do they have a relationship with the secondary?

Do they miss out on time with their mum or dad?

how do you explain cheating to them if Dad is with another woman?

is it best left till the children are grown up?

How do you organise your time with family?

Do you have a relationship with the secondary family?

Thanks so much for these contributions - I feel like drawing up a master list of various issues/questions!
I tried the swingers site - fabswingers but quickly realised they are basically focussed on the sex aspect. For me the sex is simply an expression of my feelings of love for someone just in the same way that people embrace and offer each other massages for good friends. For me its much more about spending quality time with other people and talking about more than the weather and sort of reaching much more empathically toward them - and if that involves sex then thats OK.

OP, you just need to join a pottery class or summat

AF

it needed saying...

"I just feel that marriage is so confining and also that oddly I wouldnt mind if my husband was with other women if he could learn from those experiences iyswim? "

This translates to me as " my husband is crap at sex."

"For me I feel life's purpose is about loving and learning and probably that you can't continue this learning with just one partner."
That's very sad, why would you think that?

Malificence: Because it's true, for many people. Monogamy can make people happy, blahblahblah, same as staying in the same village all your life can make some people feel happy and secure whereas others want to travel the world. People are different and the obsessive cult of monogamy which insists that all those who reject monogamy are flawed in some way is what leads to the bulk of relationship failures.

SGB, you know very well that I don't believe monogamy to be the be all and end all, there is nothing wrong with rejecting monogamy, but there is everything wrong with rejecting monogamy when you are in a marriage or long term relationship.

They should be mutually exclusive.

I must say all this talk of 'primary/secondary/tertiary' relationships make polyamory sound as boring as monogamous relationships are supposedly are.
May be a bit of a flippant comment- but I thought half the point of having sexual relations with someone other than spouse was the excitement generated by the deceit and general feeling of naughtiness about the whole thing.

I accept that some people can certainly lead a happy polyamourous lifestyle- but the majority certainly aren't.

Are you one of the minority? That's the question you need to ask.

I also think that you can read all the books in the world about this, but sexual feelings are complicated things and you shouldn't underestimate how powerful sexual jealousy can be.

Yeah, people agree to it on an intellectual level (non-monogamy) but, when it comes down to the nitty gritty, find they can't tolerate it on a gut level.

mymuchness - love?? huh?? maybe i'm a bit slow on picking these things up(well actually i am ) but isn't swinging just about sex?
what is with all that love bollocks .

Bloke and I have thought about this. We've both been married before so know that the gloss goes off a relationship after a few years and maybe swinging/ an open relationship is better than being married 5 times.
I don't know anyone in a swinging relationship though, plus I usually only really fancy people I know well and like and then am in danger of wanting to be with them all the time, missing them etc which is what led to my first divorce. I don't really do casual relationships and think bloke is the same.
Satre and Simone de Beauvoir struggled with their open relationship, swinging clubs on TV docs always seem a bit seedy and very unsexy, all dressing up, canapes and orgies.

swinging is just about sex.
Polymory is about more than just sex....

Oh right never heard of Polymory i may just google it.

2rebecca - you made some good points. Long term relationships can get boring, you can miss out on having relationships with other people, and now divorce is socially acceptable serial monogamy is the norm for those who can't or don't want to be with the same person for ever.

It is not unusual to find people who have two, three or more marriages or long term relationships involving children behind them.

The resulting children grow up in complicated family setups with step and half siblings and often lots of unresolved problems from previous relationships complicating the new relationship. After a few years the excitement can wear off and the new relationship starts to feel a bit like the old one and so on.

I'm not sure that serial monogamy is any better than having one long term relationship, with other peripheral relationships on the side, whether it's an open marriage, affair or polyamory or whatever. This is now considered to be either immoral or wierd, but perhaps in some ways it is more honest than the monogamy (but bored/fed up) or serial monogamy route?

Marriage for life or serial monogamy are both socially acceptable - but they are just as fraught with problems as any other type of relationship, as can be seen on these boards!

We looked at fabswingers last night. Amazed at how many folk there are in our area. I didn't really get why single people were on it though. That's not swinging, just a desire to screw around.
It also seemed very gynaecological in it's photos. Alot of the participants seemed to think their genitals were the most important part of them.
I don't think I'd want to have sex with someone I didn't fancy, I'd have liked a few more sexy looking blokes with their clothes on.
It all looked very terrifying.
A casual fling with someone I fancy at my sporting club looks much more fun and passionate, but probably more dangerous.
Was amazed to see "gangbangs" as one of the optional activities you might enjoy as well. I thought only blokes thought women enjoyed gangbangs.
It all seemed very prefeminist.

I agree with much of what SGB says. I have been in open relationships myself but not with anyone I was very close too emotionally. I suppose a lot depends on the people involved and their personalities. You never know how the emotions of everyone involved could pan out and something could happen that you didn't plan for. But as SGB says - that can happen in any monogamous relationship too.

I think it's very important to teach DC that there is more to life than heterosexual monogamy - that they, or people they know, might be gay, for instance, or be a single parent from choice, or indeed be involved in some sort of longterm polyamorous setup and that this is perfectly OK. Knowing about this sort of thing makes it far more likely that people will make the right choices for them instead of struggling to be heteromonogamous because they think it's compulsory and that there must be something wrong with them if they don't want or like it.

2rebecca this is a big problem with swinger sites, some people, especially men, think people are only interested in viewing their genitals, completely misguided, you need to fancy the whole person. Single people do swing as well but it's very hard for single men in the swinging scene as most are looking for couples or single females.

Yes the swinging sites were just about the sex - and yes I thought terrifying too!! Actually I think the emotional side is vital too - and would PREFER my husband/me to have the emotional aspect rather than it just being the physical "it was just sex".
Malificence - sorry but "there is everything wrong with rejecting monogamy when you are in a marriage or long term relationship" is anathema to me - it assumes that people never change and can never be allowed to change or develop their ideas and opinions. That's what life is about!! Husband is VERY good at sex by the way - but thanks for your concern!!
I suppose I feel that idealogically polymory seems like a good idea - but practically Ive never known anyone (or been aware or) how it actually works and the benefits/disadvantages...

MM (and others actually interested) have a look here.
It does sound as though you are interested in polyamory rather than swinging so you will probably find this site more helpful.
Good luck.

sounds like a recipe for hurt, hurt, hurt. Other people have emotions even if you and your DH can cope.

Purplepeony: But loads of people do find polyamory (and swinging) work just fine for them. ANd plenty of people find monogamy doesn't work.
There are no guarantees with anything, but people who think things through and talk things through and aren't just following the herd blindly have a better chance of being happy and not doing other people too much harm.