My dh prefers tv to sex!

[Irishchic]

I am fed up with this. He will watch Dragons Den, Match of the Day, anything rather than come up to bed before midnnight, usually doesnt make it to bed before half 12 or 1am.

Anytime we have sex it is at my suggestion/instigation, unless it is early morning and he has woken up with a hard on, or, we have been on a night out and he is tipsy, then he gets frisky.

So, other than when he wants relief from a hard on, or is drunk, he is never interested in sex.

I have tried to talk to him about this, tell him that he has to make the effort sometimes, has to initiate it, make me feel sexy etc, but to no avail.

I am only 41, and without wanting to blow my own trumpet am holding up pretty well on the looks/figurewise, but I work at it.

But sometimes wonder why I bother because I may as well be invisible as long as there is a tv in this house!

Have you tried standing naked in front of tv? Or in sexy undies? Tell him he isn't meeting your needs, or have you done that already? Does he have a stressful job? Does he just have a low sex drive? Has it always been like this? Are there any outside factors, such as death in the family or small children who may wake up and disturb you? How long have you been together?

tv can be addictive just like having to read every new thread on the relationships forum at mumsnet is.

coul dyou set a tv curfew for one night a week and work up form there?

Snoobie, it's amazing you get the time to come on MN what with a 14 day old baby and a man who is apparently about to stray and you having PND-ish issues. And you're writing style is so variable for a 32 year old.

no, cf, snoobie is 42

do keep up !

Thanks AF, yes im still 42 years young, 43 next spring, lol.

at coolfonz and yes, I'm as bemused as you...

Nikita, I think you have posted about your relationship before. Is this the man who won't look at you when having sex? Sorry if I've mixed you up with another poster.

If I'm right, then the bigger issue here seems to be detachment from you. No amount of standing in front of the telly in your undies is going to solve this problem .

Tell us what's really going on in your relationship; the communication, the intimacy and the levels of honesty. We might be able to cut to the chase with this, rather than advise about dealing with the symptoms.

WWIFN - Yes I think I probably did post that at one point. I told him that it bothered me and he more or less stopped it, I think it was more out of awkwardness on his part tbh, he is, (we both are) a bit inhibited around sex, have never been very adventurous with each other, and I would feel really foolish and silly dressing up or talking dirty or whatever, and so would he.

Of course you are right, the tv preference thing is only as symptom. We have always struggled with real intimacy, as evidenced by our limited sex life.

We have 5 young children and his work is very busy, and stressful, and he is passionate about golf, so a lot of his spare time and energy goes in to that.

We have had counselling at Relate for other issues, over the last 2 years, and I feel that we both want to make the marriage work and fundamentally love and respect each other, but there is so much other petty stuff that life throws at you, that gets in the way of our getting on with each other, that I feel it is not suprising our sex life is the way it is.

I would like to make it better though. And I think that if our sex life was better, then we would get on better too, iykwim.

How about sex on the sofa?
Can you snuggle up & suggest a different channel that you could both watch?

or is his interest just getting less & less over time? As WWIFN says, this may be a symptom of an underlying problem.

You need to combine the two. Try dressing up as Duncan Bannatyne?

Goodness, with 5 children, a demanding career and an obsessional sporting hobby, you've got a lot on your plate, Nikita.

I'm interested in what you say about both being a bit inhibited about sex. Do you know where that came from? Sex should be fun and joyful and talking about it in positive ways (talking dirty, as you call it) increases intimacy.

You say you have been to Relate. Would you consider some psychosexual therapy (also available through Relate)? This might get you both talking about the beliefs you both have had about sex.

Personally, I think that good sex follows on from great communication, but I agree that a fulfilling sex life is like a glue and helps a couple withstand the stresses and strains of modern life.

If you're very embarrassed about talking, have you thought about both of you writing down answers to eachother's questions and sharing the results? Things like "How would you like our sex life to be?", "Describe your ideal sexual experience", that sort of thing? Sometimes giving eachother the time to think and write, helps with the ambarrassment factor and also often leads to a more considered response.

I do like BitOfFun idea

"Hello DH,
I am Nikita09, and I am looking for an investment of 30 minutes of your time, in return for a good shag"

Don't leave the Den without an offer.

I actually LOL'd at that.

BOF - ROFL at the Duncan B suggestion!

In all serious though WWIFN, I really do not know where the shyness surrounding sex has come from, (though I suspect my catholic upbringing has some part to play!)

I think I would curl up and die of embarrassment if I had to talk dirty and find it really hard to express what I want my dh to do, the writing it down thing sounds like a good idea for us, and one that I will try out.

I was in Ann Summers the other day (1st time in there and I'm 41!) and I bought a cock ring with a sort of thing at the end that stimulates the clitoris. I jokingly said to my dh that I would be wanting to try it out that night, and he looked all hunted and hassled, and eventually said he was really tired and could we take a rain check till later in the week. As it happened I was pretty tired that night too, so I didnt REALLY mind, but at the same time, it kind of bugs me that I am the one making all the effort to a) have a sex life and b) spice it up and he just could take it or leave it.

I know lots of women who wish their dh would leave them alone, and yet here I am, with a dh who will have sex from time to time, if he is in the mood, but otherwise would much rather spend quality time with the remote control.

And I know (at least 99% sure) that he is not having an affair, (he wouldnt have the time or the opportunity) so it isnt that.

It is a bit depressing at times, but other than working on the rest of our marriage I cannot see what to do, except perhaps sexual counselling which is not feasible for us at the moment as things are so busy and the nearest one is an hours drive away..

"I bought a cock ring with a sort of thing at the end that stimulates the clitoris. I jokingly said to my dh that I would be wanting to try it out that night"

You obviously have a different definition of "shy" from me!

Nikita09- did your DH suggest Ann Summers? What prompted him? Was it a TV advert?

TD...did you used to be known under another, similar name ?

Stubborn - I wouldnt describe myself as shy in any other sphere, except in the bedroom. When it comes to sex, I can talk a good game, but when it comes down to the actual deed, i definitely feel inhibited.

I discussed this with a friend, and she suggested going to Ann Summers to but some of their toys to try out in the bedroom in the hope it would spice things up and open up the lines of communication.

Some hope!

I am no shrinking violet, but I feel that when it comes to sex, I do not have the confidence which I have in all the other areas of my life, sadly.

Nikita, it sounds to me like your confidence has been knocked because you are with a man who is uninterested about sex

that would knock my confidence too

he doesn't make you feel secure, hence you feel inhibited

Anyfucker - I think you are right actually, I never thought about it like that before, but thinking on it now, if my dh made me feel like I was irresistable then I would feel pretty damn irresistable and that would probably result in me becoming more secure and able to express myself sexually.

I can't see my dh changing at this stage though, at the age of 42, he is quite set in his ways...I guess I can live with this, he is a very good husband and father in many other ways, but it makes me feel sad, because I know that things could and should be so much better for us.

But one thing that I have learnt from 11 years of marriage is that you cannot change your spouse, only yourself, so I dont know where that leaves us.

Maybe he likes to unwind in front of TV.
After a 16 hour day of kids and housework and cooking and ironing, then having a shower at 9pm and sitting down, I like to unwind in front of TV.
If he has a long stressful job then he probably just likes to watch tv to unwind.
Although I admit I use this excuse to not have to have sex so that could also be the reason.

Nikita...it leaves you with some difficult decisions, I guess

AnyFucker - yes, I was TDiddy plus variants in the recent past....

Nikita - Normally I say to men in this position that apart from working on the relationship and making DP relaxed and loved and rested, that you should take up long distance running....not entirely satisfactory, I know, but provides a little distraction.

Anyfucker - TDaDa (as opposed to TDiddy) makes it clear than I am a bloke

yes, I thought it might be you, TD

you can change a name, but not a posting style