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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dh prefers tv to sex!

62 replies

Irishchic · 06/09/2010 22:42

I am fed up with this. He will watch Dragons Den, Match of the Day, anything rather than come up to bed before midnnight, usually doesnt make it to bed before half 12 or 1am.

Anytime we have sex it is at my suggestion/instigation, unless it is early morning and he has woken up with a hard on, or, we have been on a night out and he is tipsy, then he gets frisky.

So, other than when he wants relief from a hard on, or is drunk, he is never interested in sex.

I have tried to talk to him about this, tell him that he has to make the effort sometimes, has to initiate it, make me feel sexy etc, but to no avail.

I am only 41, and without wanting to blow my own trumpet am holding up pretty well on the looks/figurewise, but I work at it.

But sometimes wonder why I bother because I may as well be invisible as long as there is a tv in this house! Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Irishchic · 07/09/2010 22:36

Hmm TDaDa - think if I am going to do without sex, I would probably plump for chocolate and the S.A.T.C Box set rather than the long distance running!! Grin

Anyfucker - I guess that I will keep on trying and in the meantime, become better acquainted with a good vibrator.

The sad thing though is that I miss closeness and intimacy that comes from good sex, and vibrators cannot give you that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 22:37

no, they can scratch an itch....but not provide intimacy

I feel really sad for you

TDaDa · 07/09/2010 22:49

Nikita09- yes vibrators, porn etc are frankly a poor second best.......maybe jogging with chocolate in one hand, iPod in the other might help to bridge the gap. Smile

AnyFucker- I didn't/don't think that I have any style at all- style neutral and objective in that male factual weay, am I not? You, on the other hand....Smile

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 22:51

you mention running quite a bit, TD

Original poster
Irishchic · 07/09/2010 22:53

TDaDa - I joined a gym today, maybe that'll help!Smile

AnyFucker - I'll be grand, have a very lovely life in all other respects, I guess you just cannot have it all!

OP posts:
TDaDa · 07/09/2010 22:55

yes, I do... a bit obsessed with the idea.....a sort of mid-life crisis...would like to quit work and regain peak fitness one last time...not realistic....

...seriously endorphin release is great for your well being. I ran 9 good miles last night and now I am really buzzing tonight

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 22:57

Nikita...your life, your choice x

Just make sure your life doesn't pass you by while you settle for a lacklustre sex life

You are also vulnerable to some charming bloke waking up your passionate side...be aware of that (don't hate me, and don't think it won't happen to you)

Your partner should be aware of that too

Original poster
Irishchic · 07/09/2010 22:59

TDaDa - I very much agree that vigorous exercise can lift one's mood.

I just wish I could get that exercise through sex is all!! Sad

OP posts:
TDaDa · 07/09/2010 23:00

Nikita- how about getting your DH to play sport with you..badminton or tennis or squash.....can be really good for bond and can be really sexy...also could serve to re-charge his batteries.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 23:00

TD, I find wine has a similar effect < ahem >

and good sex

which is why I worry for Nikita Sad

TDaDa · 07/09/2010 23:03

Hmmm, exercise followed by wine and chocolate should be explosive....please try and report back, someone Smile

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 23:06

nah, I don't do exercise

am inherently a crisp-scoffin', wine-swiggin' couch potato

TDaDa · 07/09/2010 23:07

Well if you are having enough erm....wine then I reckon you will be doing quite enough exercise.

Papillon · 07/09/2010 23:08

bit concerned really... is that name okay by mumsnet... that name just ain't right for this site.. Any...er

Just throw out the tv until he wises up. TV is not relaxing and destressing... it is a switch off and is not turning anyone on in your relationship Nikita. TV the electronic drug of the nation. What did we ever do without it, or the beloved cell phone, laptop, ipod.

Whilst you would like things to improve in your sex life, sometimes just getting on with what makes you happy and not looking and expecting fulfilment from a person who regularly doesn't want to activate and be responsive. A mate of mine was down the other day cos she and her hub had a non existent love life... I told her to offer him a back rub, then roll him over.. tell him you are going to suck his third leg and then sit on it. Seemed to work on account of her big smile and more relaxed Self :o You gotta take the reins and the thought of talking dirty etc etc may seem too hard, against your religion, but once you get into it... and the fantasy of it... well the ball is well and truely in your court!
good luck

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 23:08
Grin
Original poster
Irishchic · 07/09/2010 23:09

Anyfucker - I dont hate you at all for that comment, you are right and I know that if someone lovely came along who flattered me, paid me attention, made me feel attractive I am not at all sure that I would have the strength to walk away...

I would dearly like to believe that my strong sense of morality would prevent me from acting on any feelings, but I cannot say 100% that I would not fall for someone like that.

I suppose that I have decided to be realistic, and settle for the lacklustre sex life becuase of all the other great things we have together, especially our kids, and I could never jeopardise their happiness just over sex life problem in my life. Not being a martyr here, I just couldnt do that, I suppose that sex is important to me, but not important enough to throw a marriage away and split up a family over.

No judgement on anyone else who would leave a dh over this, just not in me to do it, iyswim.

And I live in hope that I can keep chipping away and that it will start to improve. Maybe I am deluded, but where there is life there is hope no? Smile

OP posts:
TDaDa · 07/09/2010 23:13

Nikita09 - sometimes men/people hide medical problems by avoiding the sac....sometimes it is simply a lack of fitness (esp for men). So I would encourage him on the health side without specific reference to sex and then see how you go.

Original poster
Irishchic · 07/09/2010 23:16

Papillon - I like your style! Grin You should be a sex therapist.

I think my dh would have a bleedin heart attack if I did what you suggested but always worth a try I guess.

Watch this space Wink

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 23:16

I understand where you are coming from Nikita

I just think you are very vulnerable to doing something very rash and out of character

You wouldn't be the first, nor the last

I don't think he is being fair to you...hence you posting on here about this...on how many occasions now ?

I guess persoanlly I struggle in understanding how a bloke is not interested in sex... unless he is ill, having needs fufilled elswehere, has fallen out of love, or his interest is widely different than your own and he is unable to broach it

It seems, according to MN, there are relatively asexual men out there. I just have never met any.

Original poster
Irishchic · 07/09/2010 23:17

TDaDa - He has joined the gym this week too, so who knows, perhaps that'll lead to some improvements!!

OP posts:
Papillon · 07/09/2010 23:25

well I don't like to brag :o
But
haha
My most recent 'friend' was Mr softmember when I first got to know him... he was all for going to get pills to sort it... well abit of confidence, telling him how beautiful his third leg is (he had phobia about sucking it), giving it a good amount of attention and generally alot of good natured naughty fun has made him Hardmember!!!

confidence goes along way in all aspects of life, even if you have to 'fake' it till its becomes real.

We put alot of procrasination into it, we just need to do it! lol

Sure changed my sex life 100% Being both assertive.. and submissive
Glad to hear you dh has joined the gym, you will now have the opportunity to feel up his muscles when he comes home hehe. We all get in ruts... sometimes.

TDaDa · 07/09/2010 23:28

AF- age and health does catch up with some men.

Nikita- Great. Perhaps you could create some team activity with DH e.g. train for 10k, have tennis lessons together, play doubles.....

Original poster
Irishchic · 07/09/2010 23:28

AnyFucker - Lets hope that Mr Wonderful doesnt make any appearance any time soon then or I will be up the proverbial creek!

DH is interested in sex, just not in the way that I want him to be, and whilst I would love him to change, that effort has to come from him, and there is damn all I can do to fix things until he realises that.

I am at peace with that. Does it piss me off from time to time? God yeah, which is why I look for answers on here, and I really really appreciate posters like you, TdaDa and the others taking the time to post their advice and comments.

I am going to discuss this with him in the hope that he will wake up to the reality, and I am going to admit to him (becuase you have brought it home to me) something I have never admitted to him before, which is that if someone came along who swept me of my feet that I might well give in to that temptation. I think that that would really really shock him in a way that he has never been shcoked before as he has always taken my fidelity for granted. Hell, I have always taken my fidelity for granted!

If that doesnt make him sit up and start taking notice I dunno what will!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 23:31

TD...I don't think we are talking about advancing age and health being an issue here though, are we ?

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 23:32

Nikita...how old is he ? and you ?