Sex afterchildbirth??!!

[snoobiesmummy90]

Baby was born over 2 weeks ago now. Really need some advice please on how to restart our sex life. DH is clearly still up for it but not pushing me into anything. So far only giving him oral and hand rfelief, sorry to be so graphic, lol. Anyway, the other problem is worried sick about getting pregnant again!! Advice please??!!

Well depends how sore you feel down below. So I would start slowly with DH warned to stop at the first signal from you if you need him to stop.

You need to get contraception sorted first though, use condoms or get to seethe GP for the pill, depo, etc.

BTW, think you're brave to be thinking about it this early but some people do! Aren't you too knackered to be thinking about it never mind partaking in oral sex, etc?

Sorry forgot to say, I had a c-section :(!!!

Well yes am knackered but really want to get things back to normal with dh asap. I am shocked by how much are relationship has gone downhill since birth in all ways, and want to keep him happy, make sure he doesn't stray etc.

No decent man is going to stray because his wife gave birth two weeks ago, had major surgery, and isn't able to have intercourse yet.

If you want to get back to intercourse for you, that's one thing. But this "hand relief" and "want to keep him happy" stuff doesn't make it sound like a great sexual dynamic. Have you always felt that you have to be sexually available in order to keep him interested?

:( OP do YOU want to have sex yet? You're not just there to fulfil his demands you know! Why can't he sort himself out?

I agree with tortoise, this doesn't sound healthy to me. You are worried he might cheat on you if you don't have sex with him? That isn't normal - you shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that!

Before our baby was born everything sexually was great. My comments earlier were made because I don't want him to feel neglected etc and therefore be tempted elsewhere type thing. Im looking at it from the prevention is better cure then trying to fix problem afterwards type thing. Also I have always put him first before now (before baby came along), now baby comes first and generally don't want marriage to fail etc. Really want to hear how long others have waited before having sex after childbirth and how was it for you etc? Also we seem to have lost the will to talk like we used to, not sure why this is??!!

I started this thread a while ago, might be of interest to you....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1025789-Post-birth-sex-how-long-did-you-wait

your baby is only 2 wks old ?

and already you see your relationship "detiorating" before your very eyes, you don't "talk like you used to", you have "always put him first"

lovey, congrats on the birth of the bby, but by God, you two have an awful lot of adjustments to make

life is never the same again after the birth of your first, and if he isn't mature enought to take it like a man, I foresee massive problems ahead for you

hopefully, like you say, you are just looking out for your marriage, but at what cost to yourself ?

I hear alarm bells ringing here

FWIW, we waited 6 wks+ before even trying anything at all, as per medical advice

some women feel able to commence intercourse sooner than this (according to Mumsnet) but I have never personally understood why you would push yourself so soon

enjoy your tiny baby and include your partner in the kisses and cuddles ! Anything else will come naturally, you shouldn't be worrying about this now

Hi, Congratulations!

We have just been through this and what made me feel better was seeing the doctor at 6 weeks and her having a good look and reassuring me. We had a go before the doctors appointment and it was fine really, I was just being a bit dramatic because I had a vague idea maybe something wierd would happen. I don't quite know what! But anyway once the doctor said its safe, its healed, its not going to drop out or whatever, I have been very happy. Speak to your doctor - they'll be able to read your body and how its recovering.

Mind you, I don't like the idea you feel pressured into this. My partner was practically humping the furniture by 5 weeks but he knew not to try anything. I'm sure most men know this is no time for gymnastics. Has he said anything specific or are you just maybe worrying unnessecerily (SIC)?

Bloody hell, was almost 10 months before I felt ready physically, emotionally and quite honestly even had the energy to try having sex!! And then it was a slow climb back to regular loving, mainly because having a baby makes me want to just sleep when I'm in bed!!

My DP never complained and understood that after a traumatic birth and constant BF that sharing my body was not on the top of my agenda, we always made sure we talked about it and still had lots of hugs and kisses and as he pointed out - he has hands and is perfectly capable of sorting himself out until I felt I wanted to join in!!

I really don't get it when women think they must meet their man's needs above their own. If you are feeling in the mood then that's totally different but if you're doing this out of fear of losing him or duty then it's very unhealthy indeed.

3 months was when we first attempted but it was even longer then until it was 'back to pre pregnancy' state.
It will not be the same but that doesn't mean it won't be worse you know.

You both should be thinking of you in this not him.

I'm six months PG and I think DH and I have forgotten what sex is! IMHO intimacy is more important than sex right now, although hoping to get at least some action before DC1 arrives...

Other posters are right, it's not about when he feels ready, it's about when you both feel ready. It's your (delicate and tender) body.

I just read your message of 07.25, where you talk about "Also I have always put him first before now (before baby came along), now baby comes first and generally don't want marriage to fail etc."

May I humbly suggest that this is a unhealthy way to look at it - not critiscising BTW. How I see it - when theres 3 of you its like a triangle and each person has a separate relationship to the other 2. So rather than thinking Dad comes first or the baby comes first, I think the family, the unit comes first. One of my key responsibilities is to nurture the relationship between Dad and baby so they nurture each other, reducing any resentfulness and taking pressure off me to provide for these 2 so much. I'm happy anyway because I already love Dad and the baby came out of me so we are already close! Noones having love taken away, everyone is getting more love.

This works for us - it might not work for you but see if looking at it in this way helps. Good luck, you sound a bit tired and worried. Hug.

What a sad post Snoobie.
Your not there to service his nob and its sad your worrying about him straying with a 2 week old baby.

Why do you feel the need to put him first and ensure he doesnt stray ?

As a man I had to post on this. My first reaction was Jesus! He is getting oral and hand relief 2 weeks after you had a c-section - my first thought was that some people may consider him to be the luckiest guy on the planet and others one of the most selfish. From experience of vaginal birth and a c-section birth sex should not be an issue within 2 weeks(and beyond) for the man after either of them for differing reasons.
I personally find it quite sad that 1) you feel the need to do this and 2) he is 'up for it' and not taking into account that you have had major surgery and have a new born to look after. Most men are 'up for it' -especially oral -does not mean they should get it. Get him a jazz mag and a box of tissues and show him where the bathroom is -then concentrate on getting yourself sorted out and looking after the little one. Your sex life will find its' own balance when you are ready for it -it might not be quite the same as before(or it might be -hard to know) but that is not unusual after a baby comes along -they tend to dictate things slightly. As for the relationship going downhill in the 2 weeks since birth -a bit incredulous at this statment and get the feeling it stems from your partner and his attitude - he really needs a better appreciation and a more realistic approach to what life as a family is going to be like. How old is he out of interest?

You want to have sex with him and please him 2 weeks after major surgery, baby aside, because you are worried he may stray and want to keep him from doing so.

Words cannot say how sad I find that really

nice post chippy (only what I would expect from any decent bloke though)

Thanks AF. I know what you mean. On MN there is a concentrated snapshot of idiot DPs (which is to be expected -lots of posts about how wonderful we all are would not be that exciting) and I know I have been guilty of being in that category at certain points in my life(hopefully not that often though). I am certainly not as emasculated as some but I am still shocked by a lot of what is posted relating to the behaviour of the male DPs -from the petty and ridiculous category to the outright tragic.

yes indeedy, chippy

not all blokes are useless twats though

I had a c section last year with my 1st. I had sex about 2 weeks after, but that was because my XP, (notice X), was pressuring me... Even at the end of that pregnancy, if we didnt have sex he's get in a mood and go home, give me the silent treatment etc. Basically he was emotionally abusive.
I'm not saying this about your H, but just giving the time scale as a comparison.
You really need to be focusing on yourself and the baby.
I also felt our relationship changed after DS1, we had a lot less time together, in fact we had non for the 1st few months, and I think alot of people with thier 1st dont always realise how much things are going to change.
I understand your fears about him straying, my friend is like that, but really, would he?!?
Is this fear something you can talk to him about? If not, or if he is the type that will likely stray, then I think you can do alot better.

I am shocked by how much are relationship has gone downhill since birth in all ways, and want to keep him happy, make sure he doesn't stray etc.

Are you fucking kidding me? In two weeks? Your relationship is the LAST fucking thing you should be worrying about right now. You have a newborn, the relationship will take a knock and will get back on track later - that's what happens. I was about to give some advice on sex after childbirth until I saw the rest - my answer to you is do only as much (sexually) as you want to and feel comfortable with. FFS, with sleep deprivation and recovering from a C section nobody would blame you for having sex the last thing on your mind right now. Would they? Does your 'D'H feel you should be servicing his sexual wishes as well as looking after a newborn? If he does, he's a cock.

Thankyou for all your posts. Just to put you in the picture, yes I think I do have early signs of PND, HOWEVER, THINK DH HAS IT TOO!!!! My fear stems from failure in his first marriage btw. He is 45. What I meant regarding our relationship going downhill is im very alarmed that things with us haven't stayted the smae as it was before, we were great together, generally as well as sexually, im in shock at the level of change so far. Told him things will get better etc. Our baby wasn't planned see. Plus I had a very difficult birth requiring an emergency c - section!! Which he witnessed btw!! He HAS NOT put pressure on me for sex. It is me who is putting pressure on him to have sex because I want things to go back to normal.

Hope this clears things up?!

things aren't ever going back to normal ...

a baby is a big big change. Men quite often feel sidelined as you (quite rightly) focus on the newborn - a mature man will recognise this as the way things should be, and try and make free time for you to relax (tea & biscuits, 'how are you feeling' rather than 'when is dinner?' and 'why are you ignoring me?')

you cannot compensate for any lack of maturity on his part by bedroom shenanigans.

sex wise if your bits aren't sore - and you feel like it - then no reason not to. however too many people i know have done too much (of all kinds of activity) after c-sections (or stitches) and delayed their recovery by doing so... so be very cautious.