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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex afterchildbirth??!!

62 replies

snoobiesmummy90 · 05/09/2010 22:10

Baby was born over 2 weeks ago now. Really need some advice please on how to restart our sex life. DH is clearly still up for it but not pushing me into anything. So far only giving him oral and hand rfelief, sorry to be so graphic, lol. Anyway, the other problem is worried sick about getting pregnant again!! Advice please??!!

OP posts:
FoxyRevenger · 06/09/2010 19:43

But...having a baby is like chucking a landmine into your life, everything goes haywire for a while - no sleep, you're feeding constantly, visitors appear at all hours, you are both worried, stressed, knackered and barely have time to cook a decent meal, never mind think about sex.

Things probably do feel shit now, but by the time your baby is 6 weeks old things will feel much more manageable and you will be finding your way back to each other.

Having a shag now isn't going to change the general situation. Especially if you are not doing it for your own reasons.

BertieBotts · 06/09/2010 21:21

Sex isn't going to make things go back to normal though... and it does carry risks this early. Have you spoken to your doctor or health visitor about PND? Yes, men can get it too, but also, it's a big change generally. Especially if the baby was unplanned. There's a lot to get your heads around! It's never going to go back to the way it was before, but I hope that you can deal with it together, just keep talking and make sure you listen to and respect each other.

LOTS of couples go through rough patches when their first baby is born and whether or not his last marriage failed is irrelevant to this really.

This issue about him cheating - I think possibly you need to address this - but wait and see how you feel in a few weeks when you've got used to parenthood, baby might be sleeping better, you will perhaps have got something sorted to help with your PND.

Good luck :)

AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 21:39

your fear stems from failure of his first marriage ?

you mean he cheated on a previous wife within weeks of her having a baby ?

then you should be scared, very scared

sorry about that

however, if this is the type of man he is, you taking up burlesque and installing a pole in your living room (for example...) to dance around isn't going to stop him cheating

having a shag won't get things back to "normal"...that disappeared when you had unprotected (or inadequately protected) sex...and he should understand that, as should you

FWIW, I do not believe men suffer from PND, it's hormonal, you see

I think your bloke may well be suffering from a common form of terminal fuckwittery...

fuschiagroan · 06/09/2010 21:43

So, wait, is he actually behaving any differently towards you or are you worrying in advance?

Original poster
snoobiesmummy90 · 06/09/2010 21:46

His first marriage failed because THEY both had affairs. Yes im worrying in advance.

OP posts:
hairymelons · 06/09/2010 21:47

I think you need to give yourself and your DP a bit of time to adjust. Having a baby turns everything upside down no matter how wonderful your relationship was to start. It will change because it has to change, sometimes it's for the better, sometimes things get difficult for a while.

I'm not judging when I say this as I'm speaking from experience but...sex doesn't work as a sticking plaster. It can be part of what keeps you close but if you are initiating sex because you're afraid for your relationship, it won't make you feel very good and it won't keep your relationship strong. Communication and kindness will help you though. Relate publish a very appropriately titled book, 'Babyshock' about how your relationship can change post baby and how to survive it. Might be worth a look, but give yourself a break. For now, focus on resting and recovering and the mammoth task of caring for a newborn.

Coolfonz · 06/09/2010 21:54

How old are you OP? Are you 20?

Pioneer · 06/09/2010 22:00

Hi - haven't read the whole thread yet but DH and I didn't even attempt sex until about 4 months post birth!

After 2 weeks I think I was still bleeding and sore (though I understand you have had a section).

Why do you think he would stray? What would you do if you had to have gynaecological surgery and were not allowed to have sex for 6 weeks?

I think 2 weeks is very early to be stressing about this.

Original poster
snoobiesmummy90 · 06/09/2010 23:12

Im 42.

OP posts:
Original poster
snoobiesmummy90 · 06/09/2010 23:15

I guess thinking bout it I want to have sex with hubby again to feel close to him, not for sex sake, but through sex im thinking that being close we can regain mental and emotional bond, not just sexaul bond if that makes sense.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 23:17

snoobie, just a thought for you

does having a baby together not strike you as the ultimate emotional bond ??? Confused

Original poster
snoobiesmummy90 · 06/09/2010 23:18

When my hubby and his first wife were married they were both young (bout 20 and 21) when their son was born. This is my first marriage and im paranoid about divorce etc, not sure why, but I think marriage is for life and I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make it work.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 23:30

no snoobie, doing whatever it takes is a very weak and vulnerable position to place yourself in

do you not understand that ?

are you getting any indication from this thread at all that people who don't even know you, who have no vested interest in your relationship working or not, are seeing some rather worrying red flags ???

coolfonz was right, you may be 42 physically...

SweetGrapes · 06/09/2010 23:32

For the first 6-7 weeks I was bawling like a baby, with a baby on my sore boobs at 2 am regularly.
No way dh was getting any action at that point. I remember him standing there and wondering what the heck he could do to help...
I think it was about 6 months before we tried it again and quite sometime later that it all became nice and normal and fun again.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 23:35

any amorous thoughts my DH may have had were soon squashed by having to hunt around every supermarket in the area for out-of-season cabbage leaves to put on my raging nipples

that kinda thing tends to steal the moment somewhat...

sfxmum · 06/09/2010 23:50

I think the fact that the child was not planned perhaps means you both should really sit and talk about the changes taking place in your lives
It will never be the same but it does not mean it will bad
I think the 'normal' reaction of a new dad is to care for the baby and care for the mother so that the mother can concentrate on the child

You really need to start talking as there are many changes in store, thinking about keeping him happy is not going to make the marriage work, you run the chance of being unhappy, not fulfilled and overburden, 2 weeks is no time at all

hairymelons · 06/09/2010 23:59

Have you talked to him about any of this? Would he be supportive and reassuring if you told him how insecure you were feeling? Cos, you've just had major abdominal surgery and are also having to cope with a newborn...you need his emotional and physical support, not to be worrying about keeping him happy.

Also, do you think worrying about your marriage might be connected to a more general feeling of anxiety? I was really anxious after DS1 was born and could worry myself silly about anything. You say he's not putting the pressure on and you are worrying in advance so maybe it is completely unfounded. If you do feel like you might have the beginnings of PND, anxiety can be a big factor. And is very treatable too.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 00:03

please see your GP to get help with the PND

Philosykos · 07/09/2010 06:06

Hi there. I am going to talk about some practicalities as the psychological side has been well covered.

DH and I had sex when DS2 was two weeks old (also a cesarean). However DS2 was in PICU and now I think about it, I suspect I was desperate to concieve again in case he died(!!) - in some lizard brain way. At the time it was all a horrible blur.

Have had two other cesareans.

Doing it after two weeks wasn't that comfortable - and it was difficult to find a position which worked. I felt very dry and 'stiff'. The awkwardness killed any sexual excitement for me but I was just desperate on some primal level to do it. DH wasn't keen (he was worried about hurting me). I mention all that because if your DP saw you go through all that he may have similar misgivings and the whole process may not be the bonding experience you are hoping for.

Also I am not sure how your lochia is but having sex seemed to make mine a bit worse for a while (which makes sense).

All in all be careful with yourself - physically and (of course), emotionally.

The sex I had when I actually wanted to have sex (about 6 weeks after DS1 and 4 weeks after DS3), was miles better.

I guess what I feel I had in common with you is wanting to have sex for a reason other than wanting to have sex, if you see what I mean. There are better ways to strengthen your marriage at this time I think. I know it's early days but I suspect asking a friend or family member to look after the baby for an hour or so while you and your DP go out for a meal might be a better way to remind you both that although things are different, you can still do the stuff you did.

Original poster
snoobiesmummy90 · 07/09/2010 08:53

Thanks everyone for your input. I take it all onboard.

Philosykos - very helpful post, thankyou.

The more I think about it the more I think I just want my husband to fancy me again. Yes im anxious about lots of things, possible that I may have baby blues, but very anti medication, except maybe trying St.Johns Wort?

OP posts:
Pioneer · 07/09/2010 09:06

snoobiesmummy - I saw your other thread about the neighbour - do you think this might be what has lead you to have these insecurities? IMO, the slightest little thing can get turned into a massive issue when you are hormonal/tired/looking after a whole new little person.

When I was very low after the birth of DS, a lovely health visitor came round and I spoke to her - it made me feel lots better.

Some other things that might help is getting out in the fresh air for a walk, or speaking to some other new mums.

Did you go to antenatal classes?

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 09:42

am not sure if you are breastfeeding and don't know if you can take SJW if you are...

Coolfonz · 07/09/2010 09:44

I think you've got some kind of serious problems going on here if after two weeks you are worried about him shagging someone else as he doesn't fancy you...that you are "not close" as you've had a baby 14 days ago...14 fucking days, are you joking?

Either he is a fucking cnut, he does sound like one from what you've said.

Or you are paranoid/PNDing.

Or both.

Or this is made up. You don't sound 42 to me.

hairymelons · 07/09/2010 09:57

I didn't take any meds for PND/ anxiety, had a course of hypnotherapy which was brilliant for me. There are other optons. It's early days though, give yourself time to settle in and get back on your feet physcally. Let your friends and family help if they're offering too. It's hard going the first few weeks/ months and I think everyone feels some level of anxiety because it's a big deal. If you are gettng worse instead of better, do ask for help though.

Good luck.

swallowedAfly · 07/09/2010 10:02

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