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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When a man says: 'I don't want a relationship..'

64 replies

littlestmummystop · 02/09/2010 21:31

Does he always always mean it?

Has anyones DP/DH said it and then changed their minds?

I am going through a similar experience to another thread and struggling with the heart saying 'he'll change his mind' and my head saying ' run and don't stop' :(

The guy in question with me ( again met online) was a bit on and off at the start and then admitted he wasn't ready at the moment. His last two relationships dumped him rather horribly by the sounds of it. :(

All the usual stuff though, I liked him on sight, clicked, great sex, blah blah. Been going on for 3 months and has involved loads of texts and emails.

Now he's proposing sex and no relationship. I don't want that. Has anyone ever taken the gamble and changed their minds? I know how pathetic this sounds and how obvious the answer is but I'm interested to know if it ever happens?

OP posts:

TheButterflyEffect · 02/09/2010 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameGladys · 02/09/2010 21:34

Yes, he always means it I think.

Sorry, I know it won't cheer you up any.

If blokes are 'that into you' they are v v keen from the off.

Remember though, it's his problem not yours. I couldn't get a boyfriend for literally decades and, without being vain or egotistical, I now know there really wasn't anything wrong with me. Honest.

anothermum92 · 02/09/2010 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pancakeflipper · 02/09/2010 22:41

Oh don't get involved with him. It's as he says he wants a shag and no emotional strings with it.

Take your dignity and save it for a guy who thinks you are divine and wants to get to know you.

LadyLapsang · 02/09/2010 22:55

Yes, he means it & he's telling you now so that you won't be able to say later that he led you down the garden path.

He doesn't want a relationship with you but he'll have sex with you until someone better comes along... ok, if that suits you, if not I would end it and find someone that does want a relationship.

2rebecca · 02/09/2010 22:58

I'd believe him and find someone else unless you also don't want a relationship.
Unrequited love is best left to teenagers. Life's too short for adults to play that game.

atswimtwolengths · 02/09/2010 22:59

What does he have to do to convince you that he doesn't want a relationship with you? He's told you and you think he doesn't mean it?

He's got a bloody nerve, if you ask me. It's one thing telling someone from day one that all you're looking for is sex - some will accept that but each has a choice, but to tell you after three months of seeing each other? I'd tell him to fuck off.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/09/2010 23:02

He means it. He wants sex with no strings attached, by which he means sex with more than one person ie no monogamy. This may not be what you want, but it's what he's offering. This does not make him a bad person. He has been honest and upfront with you - if you want a committed, monogamous relationship then look elsewhere. Do NOT expend any effort directed towards 'making him change his mind'. It won't work, will exhaust you and is unethical - you do not have a right* to a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be your partner, no matter how much you feel they are perfect for you.

Dinghy · 02/09/2010 23:04

He is being honest.

If you're not happy then walk away, you can't change a man.

HantsPants · 02/09/2010 23:09

Oh yes, he means it all right. Wishful thinking is a dangerous thing, don't do it. You deserve better and tell him so. Preserve your dignity and self-esteem by telling him to get lost.

MadAboutQuavers · 02/09/2010 23:38

Why do we women do this?

Men, when they're being this straightforward, mean what they say. Just because it doesn't fit with what we want to hear, we can all too often try to put a positive spin on it and make it fit with what's in our heads/hearts.

littlest, he is very probably seeing several other people as well as you.

If this is not what you want, RUN LIKE THE WIND.

Take it from one who knows...

franklampoon · 02/09/2010 23:41

be glad he is upfront.
Move on if you dont share his view

EightiesChick · 02/09/2010 23:42

Believe him! Walk away. That, not hanging around, would be the one thing that might make him think again - but you would be better off looking for someone who does want a relationship anyway.

JuneBugJr · 03/09/2010 09:54

You're flogging a dead horse here.

What he means is - I want sex when I feel like it with you, until someone comes along who I like more, and will be prepared to enter in a relationship with.

Dont demean yourself by trying to get him to change his mind, or hang around in the hope that he will. It'll just hurt you, and from his point of view - its never attractive seeing someone whos prepared to put up with any old bullshit or attention. He'll be justified in thinking you werent the sort of person for him anyway.

Sorry if this seems harsh, believe me, Ive been there! A good few years ago, but I remember how awful it felt, and I wish someone had told me straight instead of all the 'Maybe its timing' 'Maybe hes afraid' blah blah blah.

Good luck in meeting someone new.

Nancy66 · 03/09/2010 10:24

He doesn't think you are the woman for him but doesn't mine shagging you until the next one comes along...

longing to be with somebody who does not want to be with you = most pointless, soul destroying thing ever. Don't do it.

mrsshapelybottom · 03/09/2010 10:24

A guy I was involved with for a few months said this to me....at the time I took it to mean he just wanted a casual fling, but I now know it just meant he wanted a relationship, just not with me....

PYT · 03/09/2010 10:27

Take him at his word.

Why invest time and emotional energy trying to 'change his mind' and 'make' him want a relationship with you.

Find someone who is open to a relationship and likes you enough to consider it.

Eurostar · 03/09/2010 10:59

I'd say he does mean it and, unless you think you can have him as a shag buddy and not be hurt when he eventually wanders off, either to a fresh shag buddy or to Ms Right who fulfils some sort of criteria he has in his head - get out now.

He probably wants to try out a few more net dating people I'm afraid.

It's possible that if you finish things and he misses you he might realise that he does want a relationship but don't hold out for it.

warthog · 03/09/2010 11:00

he is being honest.

believe him.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2010 11:04

It's actually downright unethical to be a Klingon to someone who has told you that they do not want a committed relationship with you. You have every right to walk away, of course, but lying to them, saying you are happy with casual sex when you are not and are in fact just hanging on and hoping to change their minds, is stupid and pointless. You will end up getting hurt because, while most people do their best to be civil and kind about dumping a casual date or any kind of relationship, if a Klingon won't take being told nicely and keeps insisting that s/he doesn;t mind, just wants to be friends and will not fuck off then the other person ends up having to be brutal. ANd then gets the blame for it despite having been honest from the start.

Original poster

littlestmummystop · 03/09/2010 11:36

Thank you wise Mumnetters.

I know you are all right, just needed to hear it. :(

Gonna re-read this thread when feel like contacting him.

And have just lined up a few more dates. :)

OP posts:

Miggsie · 03/09/2010 11:39

Many men want sex but no responisibility, he is not interested in you as a person, but your body parts are compatible.

I think a lot of men want a cup of tea, sex and then for you to disappear in a little puff of post coitus smoke.

Some also want laundry.

junkcollector · 03/09/2010 12:53

I have had many a friend go a bit loopy pondering that question.

Be strong, just remember that you owe it to yourself to wait for someone who is capable of expressing how they feel. Will also save a lot of time and heartache later on.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2010 13:53

Many people like casual, commitment free sex and there is NOTHING wrong with that as long as no one is being led on. If people choose to lead themselves on that's their problem.
LMS I do appreciate that it hurts, rejection isn't nice. But the hurt will diminish soon enough.
It's also possible to hurt yourself more by being so desperate for commitment that you fail to take the time to get to know someone you have begun to date - they are equally keen on commitment, or claim to be, and you only find out when you've moved in together that the person is lazy, selfish, pathologically insecure or a complete nutjob.

EldritchCleavage · 03/09/2010 14:03

One of my best friends is a serial short-term(ish) monogamist, and scrupulously honest about it. But the majority of the women he meets just don't seem to want to hear him when he tells them that, probably because he looks like a real catch. And then it turns out just like SGB said.

So, your bloke has told you the only terms on which he's prepared to see you. Since you don't like those terms, isn't the best thing to do for you to bow out gracefully and look elsewhere?

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