When a man says: 'I don't want a relationship..'

[littlestmummystop]

Does he always always mean it?

Has anyones DP/DH said it and then changed their minds?

I am going through a similar experience to another thread and struggling with the heart saying 'he'll change his mind' and my head saying ' run and don't stop' :(

The guy in question with me ( again met online) was a bit on and off at the start and then admitted he wasn't ready at the moment. His last two relationships dumped him rather horribly by the sounds of it. :(

All the usual stuff though, I liked him on sight, clicked, great sex, blah blah. Been going on for 3 months and has involved loads of texts and emails.

Now he's proposing sex and no relationship. I don't want that. Has anyone ever taken the gamble and changed their minds? I know how pathetic this sounds and how obvious the answer is but I'm interested to know if it ever happens?

SGB- I take your point, but I am not desperate for commitment. I just don't want to be fooled around. I am looking for a simple, loving monogamous relationship. I've had and enjoyed flings but I like this man more than just that.

Also there were lots of grey areas here.

To begin with he said he was shy, then he told me he was being overly cautious because of past hurts, then not sure etc. Then I cut contact and we decided to be friends, then the flirting started again and now he's up for just nsa.

Now he accuses me of being hung up on relationships.

Yes I was strung along. Only because after so long I thought I'd met someone great ( at last)

But now I am listening and it's loud and clear.

That sounds crap, littlest. He hasn't been fair to you, but he's telling you how it is now. I have seen things from the other side - tried to have an informal relationship more than once. IME people don't listen, it's so easy to hear what you want to hear, and each time I have found that the man was pretending to be ok with the situation, and actually wasn't at all. Have learnt my lesson from that and would never try to have that kind of (non) relationship again. Someone always seems to get hurt, or be "holding out" for the other person to change their mind.

When it comes down to it, if you say you want sex but no relationship, it really means no relationship with that person. Not nice to hear but it's true.

IME they usually mean it.

Or, they want a relationship but not with the person they're saying it to and are trying to let them down down gently.

Or another option - they don't want a relationship but do want to keep seeing you and think this is a good way to keep you hanging about. Which is dishonest and unkind.

Have read through the thread littlest and it sounds like he has led you on which is a failing on his part, not yours.

Don't beat yourself up, because you haven't done anything wrong here - but equally don't hang about hoping he will change his mind.

SGB - I agree there is nowt wrong with NSA (done it myself and enjoyed it), but leading someone on and pretending you want a relationship when you don't is pretty noxious (although seemingly quite common) behaviour.

I 'won' this game once by not playing it! X#2 was a FWB for years. I felt I was getting too involved, wanted more than what we had, etc, and dumped him. He then proposed.
Reader, I married him. One of my bigger mistakes :(

When somebody tells you they're not up for a relationship, it's wiser to hear that as their truth, whatever they might say afterwards!

Totally agree with you Grace, people often hear what they want to hear don't they.

I have been guilty of this myself in the past!

Exactly, I don't think you can get more plain than "I'm not your boy/girlfriend", "I don't want to be in a relationship" etc etc - they're just not just saying that for background noise.

Going on previous experience I now think it is downright wrong to offer a NSA relationship to someone who you know has strong feelings for you, and I think the man in the OP is being unethical. If you are already in a NSA relationship and you start to get a hint that the other person is developing feelings for you, or holding out hope for a committed relationship, things have to stop IMO.

Grace - I was in a NSA relationship with someone for a short time, he was as emotionally cold as you like, then when I decided to move on, he accused me of breaking his heart .

Miggsie, loved your post, laughed out loud. You are so right.

OP glad you are being strong, enjoy your dates and DON'T see him, call him, text him, email him or respond to calls or texts or emails.

Well if a man says that when you first meet him then of course he might change his mind. If 2 people don't try how they are going to know? I might say 'i am not going to buy a car' and then i test drive one for fun, i fall in love with it and buy it. People change, situations change and...never say never.

BUT, you and this man HAVE tried. He said this after 3 months.

So, as others said, move on. It doesn't mean anything about you. Maybe he is scared, maybe he has really been hurt, or maybe he is a player... who knows, it doesn't matter. Don't waste energy.

You 've done well, you took the risk, you 've given him changes, you 've tried. It is fine. You can try again. You have to kiss some frogs etc. Keep your chin up.

littlest, you made the right decision lining up those dates. You (all women) deserve a man who is unreservedly head-over-heels in love with them. It will happen. Don't settle for half-hearted.

Thank you all.

Have struggled a little today as I miss him quite badly, his funny texts, his interest in me.. It was so constant, so lovely.

I've become addicted to him a little bit.

I've not replied to his last couple of texts and he hasn't tried anything for past few days so will just leave it.

Small part of me thinks life is too short and should just go with the flow and shag him senselessly until he comes to his senses.

But I also fear it would never work and think why should I even go to the effort.

Maybe it's just because I've had a crap date I feel like this now!

I do feel like I will never meet anyone though. Need to give self a good talking to again. :(

so what if you never meet anyone again? You will meet people who are fun, interesting. But I have come to the conclusion that being in love will always end in tears. Even if you live happily ever after, someone will die and someone will be broken hearted. How's that for a downer?lol! But am really feeling like falling in love is a waste of time and energy. So many other beautiful things in life that give you pleasure without pain. Not bitter, just being realistic.

LMS: But why should he 'come to his senses'? He is perfectly aware that he doesn't want a committed relationship with you and he has kindly and politely told you this. It won't work, because he DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR TRUE LOVE. And for you to pursue him and keep trying and waiting and hoping that he will change his mind is not only useless but unethical. He has every right to not want to commit to you. You have no right to try to pressure him into a relationship he doesn't want and has already refused, than anyone has the right to, for instance, try to pressure you into having sex that you don't want and have already refused.

This is one of the reasons women drive me mental.
It's really easy. If someone says they don't want a relationship, they don't.
They just don't. It's not you, and it's not them. They just don't want a relationship.
That doesn't make them bad, or stop you from enjoying the fact that they pop round for sex every so often. But they don't want a relatiosnhip and it isn't going to happen.

He sounds very much like someone I know of- not living SW is he?

For what it's worth, my DH of 26 years never said no to a relationship, but he did not want to commit to marriage for a very long time- so maybe that is different.

After a year or so of dating- long distance- I got fed up and we split for a few months. Must stress that he never said he didn't want a relaitonship.

We got back together and after another 18 months there was no talk/sign of things moving forward. Still long distance- roughly 100 miles. I needed to know where I stood re. career, moving, buying a home for myself etc and he wouldn't give any firm answers, so I ended it, gradually, just not being available all the time, and started dating other guys.

Shortly after he rang and proposed.

Maybe this is very different toyou, but if he says sex and no more then you have to go with that, or not. I know it's hard but if you want a relationship then you have to accept that so far, he doesn't.

awww, littlest. Convincing yourself to move on from someone you feel for is so difficult. I have to say that the times I have had to cut losses in the past, I have not regretted because I eventually did find someone better (even if that did not last either). One did come crawling back but I was so over him by then.

Sorry to descend into platitude but I do believe: ?If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.?

Let him feel the loss. He can decide from there. But in the meantime, get on with your life and be unattainable to him.

You will meet your perfect fit. Each crap date gets you closer. Or even better, just concentrate on having interesting experiences and forget about the soulmate. You never know what the future holds. But the law of averages is in your favour so long as you keep meeting people.

littlestmummystop - I hate the confuse the issue, but my DH said this when we first met!

It's a bit of a standing joke with us now. Basically we met in a night club eleven years ago. He was a bit of a player at the time (nothing wrong with that by the way, he was young free and single...) and I was looking for Mr Right and decided he was it very soon after we met. I tried to be cool bbut didnt do much of a job of it as I was so lurved up... So he told me I was freaking hhim out a bit because he did really like me but 'he didnt want a relationship, he was enjoying the single life... blah blah'. I was broken hearted, but walked away, determined to keep some dignity! Anyway, over the next few months we would bump into each other (we live in a small city without many night clubs!), and would always get on well (I would still always secretly think he was lovely!). But I would always walk away before I'd gone too mooney eyed over him.

Anyway, months later he 'tracked me down' (I had moved house by then), and told me that he'd realised how much he liked me and that whenever he went out with other girls since meeting me, he just realised how much he missed being with me - and that he wanted to make a go of it!

Move on eleven years and we're married with three children and - and at the risk of sounding smug - are very happy and very much in love. He still really is the loveliest man I ever met!

Sorry for the long post, I got carried away there! All I'm trying to say - in a very long way - is that he's not necessarily a b#####d for saying he doesnt feel ready to get serious, maybe he really means it. And maybe he will be ready sometime soon, and if he likes you enough he will let you know that!

PS - forgot to say - the important thing is, I think, to realise you can't change his mind for him, see other people, get on with your life without him, but don't write him off.

MMF: It's nice when it works out but unfortunately stories like yours are sometimes interpreted by the desperate and self-obsessed as a kind of 'licence to stalk'. People have every right to refuse relationships they don't want, and to then be left alone by the other person. (Not saying you stalked yours BTW you obviously didn't - and TBH if you had hung around pressuring him he probably wouldn't have decided to give in and marry you...).
The 'romantic' myth that when one person decides someone else is The One but Can't See It it will all come right with enough romantic gesstures and patience, is responsible for a lot of harassment of people (male and female) by those who have decided that because they Have Feelings for someone they are entitled to pursue and pressure that person into a relationship the person doesn't want.

SGB you seem to feel very strongly about this. Have you been hassled?

I don't really think this is an issue of rights. Rights to me smack of legalities. it's a bit odd to shout "I have a right not to have a relationship wth you!" This is about emotions. You know- those annoying things that go on in our heads and defy logic?

Sure, you can't force anyone to love you or want to be with you. But you can hope.

It's not right to pursue them if they make it very clear that they are not interested, and often that approach is counter productive anyway. But it's a fact of life that often we want what we can't have.

OP- nothing wrong in wantingmreo, but most men like to feel an element of the chase and unavailability. By all means keep your options open but don't put all your eggs in one basket. As in my case, my now DH suddenly wanted to commit when Iwas off dating other men.

End of cliche and platitudes.

SolidGoldBrass - I agree completely, I'm sure my DH would have written me off as a 'desperate woman' UNLESS I had walked away when I did. I don't think any man finds an over-keen woman attractive, unless he's completely insecure himself, and who needs a man like that?

Some of the replies to OP just seemed a bit bitter and twisted to me, and I wanted to tell the other side of the story and point out that this man may well not be bastard; just a single man who's happy that way at the moment! He's being honest, he's not leading anyone on, and big surprise, he still likes sex even though he's single (what a shocker!!).

Who wants to know they're only with their partner because they were the first one who came along, anyway?

Sat goodbye over dinner FIRST LOL then walk away forever

I have been seeing a guy for a year. We have a monogamous relationship that started out just sex and someone to hang out with. I am almost divorced with two kids, he is single and likes it that way. I don't want any more kids, he doesn't want any at all. I don't want my kids to know about him, he often asks after them but doesn't want to meet them. We meet about once or twice a fortnight, we chat on the phone occasionally, he hates texting but will when there's no alternative. We go days, even a week or more with no contact at all.

When we are together, we laugh and chat for hours, usually in bed , we are good friends and we go out as well as stay in. I have met a few of his friends or colleagues that we've happened to bump into, only two of my friends even know that I'm dating him.

Maybe we all have our own interpretation of what constitutes a 'relationship'. I think I'm having one, but it's one that other people would hate, or find frustrating, or too distant. It suits me, and it suits him, and we make each other happy. We can talk about anything and everything and he has been a tremendous support to me during an unpleasant time with my ex. I don't love him, he doesn't love me, but that doesn't mean we don't care about each other.

It's weird, but it works for us.

I havent read all of this thread but, in my experience, when a man says he doesnt want a relationship he means it. With you. Its painfull but true.