When a man says: 'I don't want a relationship..'

[littlestmummystop]

Does he always always mean it?

Has anyones DP/DH said it and then changed their minds?

I am going through a similar experience to another thread and struggling with the heart saying 'he'll change his mind' and my head saying ' run and don't stop' :(

The guy in question with me ( again met online) was a bit on and off at the start and then admitted he wasn't ready at the moment. His last two relationships dumped him rather horribly by the sounds of it. :(

All the usual stuff though, I liked him on sight, clicked, great sex, blah blah. Been going on for 3 months and has involved loads of texts and emails.

Now he's proposing sex and no relationship. I don't want that. Has anyone ever taken the gamble and changed their minds? I know how pathetic this sounds and how obvious the answer is but I'm interested to know if it ever happens?

It means he'll shag you quite happily until he meets someone he does want a relationship with, then he'll pretend you don't exist.

Friends with benefits.

Yes, he does always mean it.

Believe him and either use him as friend with benefits if you don't want a relationship, either, or move on.

If you do want a friend with benefits, nowt wrong with that, than FGS don't start doing stuff for him other than sexual stuff.

Kick him into touch. You found him (online??) you can find someone else.

Men who want to just whack it up a woman and then fuck off back to their plasma screen/laptop/beer are a bit weird. Why tolerate weirdos?

Coolfonz: Bullshit. People who are honest about wanting no strings sex are a lot more sorted and a lot less wierd than the losers who are so desperate for commitment that they refuse to listen when they are being politely turned down and just assume that because someone's asked them on a date then that person is The One.
And yes, I have had people try to pressure me into relationships that I didn't want. When I was younger and sillier and more influenced by heteronormative bullshit I used to go along with it for a while but it never ended very well.

FWIW, I've had a lot of fun with fuck buddies. Fine if you want to have a takeaway in bed afterwards, even spend the night so you can do a shag/sleep cycle, have breakfast together.

I enjoyed meeting up in bars beforehand for drunken sex with friends with benefits or at theirs for spliff/munchy food/sex.

Others were just get there, start having sex, then leave.

The only hope you have of finding out if he really means it or not is to dump him, totally cold turkey, no texts, no sex, nothing.

If he really is into you after all he might come back with a better offer.

My amazing and adorable DP of 11 years had to be dumped twice before he realised that in fact, he did want a relationship with me.

I hasten to add that both times, I dumped in in sincerity and not as a 'tactic'.

But in hindsight, if it had been a tactic, it worked swiftly and like a dose of salts.

Well.... I'm not a man.... so I cant give you an exact anser but I said that same thing to my DH when we first met, I'd just come out of a crappy relationship and didnt want the complications of another one so soon afterwards. However, I did change my mind after about a month and I'm glad I did. :-)

I dont think men are necessarily so different to women so it is entirely possible he might change his mind... I guess it depends on why he said it in the first place, from what he said it's understandable (being dumped twice). I guess it's down to whether you believe that's why he's said it or if you think he's stringing you along.... which is indeed possible!

I'm still doing the cold turkey thing. :(

It's hard.

I know this sounds bit stupid ( naive?) but I just find it hard to swallow how he meant soo much to me and yet I meant soo little to him?

He literally text me, at one point, from morning till night. He made me laugh and said same about me.

I'd LOVE to sleep with him. I fancy him rotten ( again vice versa)

But am also a little bit in love with him too, so no way could I do whole fuck buddy thing.

It's miserable. So cold turkey is all that's left.

I MISS HIM!!! :(

Stay with it, littlest.

You're interpreting all the little things he did as signs of real affection and assign them special meaning, because you would only do those things with someone who was special to you.

He's not like that.

It's perfectly feasible for a bloke to do all those things purely because it adds to the friendship, excitement and fun - also not forgetting it will get a favourable response from you. He probably loved being adored by you, but that doesn't mean he's about to return the favour.

Keep going on dates. Keep busy. Tell yourself he's inadequate if it helps. But keep away or risk a whole load of pain that you'll be sorry about when it's yours.

RIght now, be kind to yourself, littlest. Do all the things that make you feel good, whether that's cooking special meals or long bubble baths or good books or going swimming (no idea what your preferences are). In fact, is there something you've always fancied learning how to do but never got round to, like circus skills, tap dancing, historical re-enactment? Or a particular charity or political cause that you care a lot about and could volunteer for? Having a passion for something that's nothing to do with romance and couplehood is a very good way of not getting yourself overwhelmed or making poor choices WRT possible partners.

PMSL at historical re-enactment SGB

Now that really WOULD take my mind off him.

I take your point. Thing is.. I already am a very active volunteer for a local charity. I already do lots of exercise .. apparently have a great body- that's what he said too :( and I have a full-on satisfying job. Not much time to start salsa dancing etc.

Meeting him was like having a blast of fresh air. I felt excited every time the phone went. I looked forward to hearing from him, seeing him. I love the way he talked, walked, looked and saw the world.

This is such a cliche but my world seemed like a different place with him in it.

I thought I was even a catch for HIM!

I really really wanted him in my life as he made me feel excited, happy and in love.

Now I am just left with an uncomfortable longing and my brain keeps thinking of excuses to get in touch. But I know I can't. And I won't.

And it's utterly shit.

My kids always take my mind off stuff, including stuff I want to focus on.

"And it's utterly shit."

Not as shit as trying to force the issue - and feeling that horrible feeling of rejection even more than you are at the moment!

He's not from Chester, is he Littlest?

He sounds very much like a niceish-bloke-but-basically-a-little-boy-when-it-comes-to-adult-relationships guy that I saw for far, far too long than was good for me...