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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying no contact and its so hard!!

60 replies

romneymarsh · 02/09/2010 19:54

My DH decided he doesnt want to come home after his affair but wants to pursue his relationship with the OW.

He has visited me on 4 occasions since his decision, the visits have been lovely as I still want contact but it is killing me slowly. He also gave me a letter last sunday, as when I have asked questions regarding why and how he let this happen, he kept staying he would write the answers down as he could not explain. I finally opened the letter last Thursday and it didn't explain anything, it was full of love and how good our relationship had been blah blah blah (even the counsellor said it was a love letter), this set me right back and I had three very tearful days. I texted him to say I couldn't see him anymore as I was finding it too hard and was really struggling to cope. Anyway, he came round on Sunday and I talked to him, he hoped in a few weeks time I might want to see him again.

The OW was away last weekend on a Hen party getting drunk and this weekend she was meeting up with her friends in Cardiff, he wasn't invited. So in the month since he has made his decision she has been away three weekends out of the four.

What is he doing? and why is he waiting around for her to go out and party?

I know I am right in asking for the no contact for my sanity and trying to mend my broken heart but at the same time it was the hardest thing I have had to do. I miss him so much.

I have been reading other threads and there is so much support and good advice on here. Please help me through this awful time!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/09/2010 19:59

sorry about your hard times.was it totally out of the blue,did you suspect an OW?do you have good support for you- pals/family?use the no contact time for yourself, to think and get some clarity.try not think about him too much

pragmatically what happens about
home
money
any dc

SingingTunelessly · 02/09/2010 20:01

Sad for you. But tbh he has chosen her hasn't he? For whatever reasons that you can't understand that is what's happened.

You need to tell him to just fuck off to his new life. Presume you don't have DCs together?

Original poster
romneymarsh · 02/09/2010 21:04

I had no idea. We have discussed money and the house etc, and no children together. I know he has chosen OW but I cant get over this all consuming sadness, does this go away?

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 02/09/2010 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
romneymarsh · 02/09/2010 22:55

anothermum thank you so much, funnily what you said about self destruct is what my counselor said.

I am not really coping very well, but thankfully I have a lot of support from RL friends, but I do worry that they will get fed up with me repeating myself as I dont seem to be able to move forward I seem stuck.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 02/09/2010 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
romneymarsh · 06/09/2010 23:10

A new week and still finding life hard. I had to text H regarding some paperwork yesterday, he hasnt texted back, feel really bad that he hasnt replied as it makes me think he is moving on with life with the OW happily and there's me still struggling day to day. How do they do it?

I have been looking up WWIFN threads and cant believe how astute she is, she described my H to a T, with his infatuation with his work colleague (OW) and the transitional time in his life etc.

I wonder if his insanity will end at some stage and realise that he left a really good marriage because there really wasnt anything bad in our marriage. Maybe Im the insane one!

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/09/2010 23:26

If I can be of any help, OP, feel free to share your story on here. Sometimes it really helps to reconstruct the story of what happened and write it all down.

Original poster
romneymarsh · 06/09/2010 23:52

Thanks WWIFN I will do that tomorrow. This rollercoaster is not much fun, I veer from trying to move forward to desperately wanting him back even after all the lies, deceit and terrible hurt.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 07/09/2010 00:59

"I cant get over this all consuming sadness, does this go away?"

Oh honey! It does go away, I promise you. My DH left almost exactly 1 year ago. I was bereft, but I threw myself on my family and rang Mum every 20 minutes for the first few weeks. Then I just made a vow that I'd let myself go through every emotion as it came, to get it all out.

Today, I couldn't give a shit that he left. I'm not angry or sad, but indifferent. It'll be even easier for you as no kids so no reason to see him every week like I have to. I really don't care at all, and at the time he left I was devastated.

Just feel your feelings as they come. cry when you're sad, rage (to friends, or by chucking china at a wall) when you're angry, mope in PJs for a weekend...

Then do what I did and launch yourself into a HUGE health & beauty regime and do loads of work! Smile

BEAUTlFUL · 07/09/2010 01:02

My DH got a GF very quickly (suspiciously quickly...) after we split and one night I spent the entire evening Googling her. I used to speculate endlessly about their entire relationship to anyone who'd listen. So I did that stage too.

I also went through a WEIRD phase of needing to tell everyone I met (strangers in the park, on the bus, etc) that my DH had just left me. Why? Who knows, but I couldn't stop myself. Blush

Everything you're going through/ feeling/ angsting about/ worrying about/ stressing about / scared of is exactly the same as all of us go through, and 100% normal. It's a process.

BEAUTlFUL · 07/09/2010 01:07

I think no-contact is an excellent idea. But in the end, what killed the attraction to DH for me was actually spending more time with him. After about 6 months of seeing him v briefly to do kid drop-offs etc, I invited him over for lunch.

He came and was such a twunt: criticised the food (having contributed nothing himself), had to be prompted to help carry stuff into the garden, was very boring to talk to, self-important... By the end I was dying for him to leave and the infatuation was all over. I'd been idolising him, and seeing him for who he was really helped.

Note: the above should only be tried if your DH is, in fact, an arse.

Original poster
romneymarsh · 07/09/2010 21:49

Beautiful, thank you so much for your threads, I hope I make the progress you have. I have had a bit of a set back today as I spoke to him to try and give him some support as he is having some work problems. Im such a mug!

OP posts:
Karmann · 07/09/2010 22:05

Romney you will make the progress. It's very slow and painful but it does ease. Take one day at a time, accept how you feel at that time but do one thing each day that is positive - even if it is only small, it will be an achievement.

No true friend will get fed up with you, accept their love and support and gradually the light at the end of the tunnel will appear.

Once the pain starts to ease, start planning things for yourself, re-discover who you are.

TDaDa · 07/09/2010 22:45

I recall Beautiful's thread last summer....I recall thinking that she would come out string because she had taken control.....my adice is control, exercise/gym and hair....sounds superficial but relaunching yourself can be uplifting and help you to cope.

BEAUTlFUL · 07/09/2010 23:04

Aww thanks, TDaDa! The gym has saved me, I go 5x a week now. It COMPLETELY Stops you worrying about stuff. It's like Valium. Valium that gives you a perky arse & hard thighs.

TDaDa · 07/09/2010 23:06

Beautiful - as an advocate of exercise please join us on this thread if you don't mind

GeekyGirl · 07/09/2010 23:31

I had an exDP who left me then kept ringing me. One day I just asked him to stop - it gave me back some control and allowed me to build up some emotional strength and start moving on. I too have spent many hours feeling unspeakably sad about exDPs. It's normal to feel sad - not all exDPs are 100% bad and you will have lots of happy memories. As others have said, the sadness definitely goes away.

dignified · 08/09/2010 11:55

I would stay away , bollocks to supporting him about a work issue , what support does he offer you ?

It sounds to me like he hasnt quite decided yet and is keeping his options open hence him saying he,d like to see you again in a few weeks . Fact is , you lose your wife when you get divorced . Why should he have OW and the priveledge of your company ?

abedelia · 08/09/2010 12:34

Beautiful - brilliant. PS - if your H has had an affair then he is an arse by default. Enough said.

Op - well, she sounds like a right catch doesn't she? Try thinking of his bad points and what you can now do that you couldn't before because he was a barrier to it. I rearranged my entire house to make it feel like MY home not 'ours' (two years on he still hasn't got the top of his chest of drawers back as my products have colonised it fully)

Yes, he went away to 'think' - aided by my boot up his bum - and after scraping the surface found the OW was a mad, lying cow. Also - don't delude yourself that if he came home all would be okay. Because as soon as they step in the door the REALLY hard stuff starts and you have to come to terms with how they behaved and how you can live with how they treated you.

Original poster
romneymarsh · 08/09/2010 14:35

Thanks abedelia I know your right and it probably would be too difficult and hard to make things work after all the lies, hurt and deceit, but I suppose it's the never having had the chance to try.

OP posts:
Karmann · 08/09/2010 22:35

Fully understand what you mean by never having the chance to try. Thing with this one is that it would just be you trying - it takes both of you to really try and he's not willing to make the effort. You can't try to make it work on your own. I agree with dignified here, he's keeping his options open 'just in case'.

You're worth more than that, and you will see it in time. My thoughts are with you.

Original poster
romneymarsh · 09/09/2010 22:38

Thanks Karmann, I know I am worth more than that, but I think it will take me time to get my brain into gear to remember that!!

Had a bad day as I had to empty our holiday home today as I have had to sell it due to the split. It was so hard walking along the beach and remembering all the great times we had there, made me cry so as my measure of a good day or bad day is whether I cry, Ive had a bad day.

Kind of wish I didnt have all the lovely memories, wished in a way I could forget them as I am still trying to work out how and why he had the affair, its hard to move forward when you cant actually work out why, I thought we were soulmates. I must sound really sad.

OP posts:
Karmann · 09/09/2010 23:01

You have every right to be sad, it is a sad time. I'm not sure you can ever work out the reasons. I continued to have a lovely life with my now ex and there is absolutely no justification for what he did.

I'm impatient and I want it all to be better now and it is getting that way. I'm starting to enjoy discovering me. It's been hard because I was the original 1950's housewife! I made him my life and that was a mistake.

I like me and I am getting stronger by the day - you will too.

Karmann · 09/09/2010 23:09

And the weird thing tonight was that I put the telly on for the first time in ages and 'Romney Marsh' was written across the screen! It made me think of you.

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