Trying no contact and its so hard!!

[romneymarsh]

My DH decided he doesnt want to come home after his affair but wants to pursue his relationship with the OW.

He has visited me on 4 occasions since his decision, the visits have been lovely as I still want contact but it is killing me slowly. He also gave me a letter last sunday, as when I have asked questions regarding why and how he let this happen, he kept staying he would write the answers down as he could not explain. I finally opened the letter last Thursday and it didn't explain anything, it was full of love and how good our relationship had been blah blah blah (even the counsellor said it was a love letter), this set me right back and I had three very tearful days. I texted him to say I couldn't see him anymore as I was finding it too hard and was really struggling to cope. Anyway, he came round on Sunday and I talked to him, he hoped in a few weeks time I might want to see him again.

The OW was away last weekend on a Hen party getting drunk and this weekend she was meeting up with her friends in Cardiff, he wasn't invited. So in the month since he has made his decision she has been away three weekends out of the four.

What is he doing? and why is he waiting around for her to go out and party?

I know I am right in asking for the no contact for my sanity and trying to mend my broken heart but at the same time it was the hardest thing I have had to do. I miss him so much.

I have been reading other threads and there is so much support and good advice on here. Please help me through this awful time!

Wow what were you watching for Romney Marsh to be written on your telly?

It was just a weather report! But weird because I haven't sat in this room for months.

Hi Romney, how are you doing today?

Thanks for asking karmann, I'm sure it's normal but I just feel everything is so hopeless at the moment. I miss him so much.

I know the feeling. One day I might be brave enough to share my story although it seems quite pointless now.

Things do get better. I'm starting, for the first time ever, to lead my own life. I am discovering me. Doesn't stop me missing him and it doesn't stop me loving him, but it's good for me.

I really appreciate your concern karmann thank you again, how long have you been on your own?

Hi, sorry didn't get back to you last night, I went out.

He's been out of the house since May but it hasn't been a straight forward split. We were supposed to be rebuilding but it became clear to me that he wasn't moving forward. The limbo was awful so I told him at the begining of August that I couldn't cope with it and packed up the rest of his stuff. Hardest thing I've ever had to do but it was right for me. We'd been together for almost 14 years.

Romney, don't mean to be a stalker kind of person but just wondering how you are. No need to go through this alone.

i agree with beautiful's comment, about telling complete strangers that my dh had left.

It's all i thought i was, at the time, it defined me. I was the person who's husband had left. I think i thought i could lessen the pain by off loading.

I am 5 yrs on and it took 4 yrs for me to be normal again, but that was severly hampered by the fact of having dd and the problems ex brought to my door thru being an arse.

OP, i so so sorry. xx

Karmann you are so kind, i hope you have had a good weekend. I have had a bad day today, I met up with DH's sister tonight. She is worried about him as he looks so ill, he has lost so much weight, which he really couldn't afford to lose it. I feel so stupid as it made me really concerned about him, but he doesn't want my help he has chosen the OW (I want to call her so much more). I feel so helpless that I can't do anything, I'm just trying to get stronger myself.

Romney, my ex-DH left me for another woman (OW1). It took me about a year to get on my feet. Then he cheated on her with OW2 as they were planning their wedding, married OW2, had a child with her and then had an affair with OW3. OW2 hasn't seen any maintenance from him...

Your DH may have chosen the OW but I can guarantee you it will not have a happy ending.

Try to keep the focus on you, not him. The more you can do that, the quicker you will heal. His health, weight loss etc is irrelevant. Don't waste a moment of your time considering it. He does not deserve your consideration!

LOVE THOSE WHO LOVE YOU!

Please put yourself first. Give yourself a treat as often as possible. Someone told me to buy myself flowers and although it felt a bit odd at first, after a while it became second nature. You have to love yourself as we say in America! It's true, though.

What are you going to do tomorrow for yourself?

One other thing. PLEASE ignore anything he writes or says. Talk is cheap. It's what he does that you have to focus on, that is the true test of the man. These guys will say anything for an easy life.

Romney I fully understand your concern about him, I have felt the same, and it's hard to let go emotionally, but the most important person to look after is you. I made the mistake of not looking after me and my health has suffered as a result, I am very underweight and have to get my health back. If we are not physically fit we will struggle even more to cope emotionally.

There are good days and bad days still but the bad days are getting further apart and are not so emotionally crippling anymore. It was only a month ago that I was a blubbering mess but with support from my friends and my own strength and resolve things are much brighter.

I still think of him all the time and I am aiming for indifference. If I took him back now I would be taking back the same person and that just wouldn't work. He has done nothing to address his flaws and become a better person.

I'd like to recommend a book to you by Melody Beattie, it's Called The Language of Letting Go.

This dark cloud that is over you now will shift and the sun will gradually start to shine through.

Keep posting and ask me any questions you like - I'd be only too happy to help.

"If I took him back now I would be taking back the same person and that just wouldn't work. He has done nothing to address his flaws and become a better person."

Just to second what Karmann says. I realized that my DH had no interest in changing or growing as a person and eventually it would only happen again if he came back. Also, if I had taken him back I think I would have lost any respect within the relationship. He would have called all the shots. Try to really be realistic about how things would be if you took your DH back.

Nomedoit, thanks for your kind words of support. I know your right about what you say about the problems I would encounter if he did come back at anytime, it would never be the same as he is a different person from the one I remember, (see I do have sane moments when the brain is in gear and not my heart) but I'm not brave enough yet to remember that and realize that is the reality of the situation. One day at a time!

Well, it is a process. The first few months were agonizing. I learnt how to cope by doing it IYSWIM and I also saw a counsellor every week which was extremely helpful. I do think that it is hard to understand the depth of the pain unless you have been through it. It is such a brutal betrayal and I could not stop thinking about all the fun 'they' were having while I was going through all this pain. I also think that 'self-care' is really important. I lived off cigarettes and coffee and sweets for a while but then got my act together.

Advice please, I really want to call DH just for a chat to see if he is ok. Am I really wrong to want to do that or am I being stupid? I suppose I just want him to know that I still care, just in case one day he realises what he has thrown away. Please don't get mad at me.

RM, forgive me for being harsh at this juncture of the thread, particularly since I haven't contributed so far

But what the hell are you thinking ?

Your H has moved on. he has chosen someone else.

Please don't ring him for a "chat" in the hope that one day he will come back to you (why you would even want him back is another matter....). It smacks of desperation and any old excuse to stay close.

That cannot be good for your self-esteem and for how others may be perceiving you. Please hold on to some shreds of self-respect and go complete cold turkey.

His ego does not need you to demonstrate that you would so easily take him back "if he saw the light".

I am sorry you feel bad, but honestly love, in the longterm you will feel better about yourself if you don't try to hang on to something that doesn't seem to exist.

Bloody hell, I hope that wasn't too harsh x

No, AF, it wasn't. Come on, Romney. It's about self-respect here. It also won't work.
Men really don't like clingy, whingy women. (You'd be far more likely to get him back if you had a makeover and got a boyfriend. That would make him pay attention, not desperate phone calls). You've got to hang in there. Now, what are you doing for yourself right now that makes you feel better? Answers please!

thanks, nome

I just think I might have had a bit of cheek to jump in at this juncture, when so many of you have given lovely, gentle advice so far

hope you are ok, OP x

Hi Romney, it's natural to feel this way but pointless to call. He already knows how you feel. The reason you want to call is for you, not because you really want to see how he is.

It's perfectly understandable but stay as strong as you can. Chances are if you do call you would wish you hadn't. You'll either upset yourself or he will upset you.

Would never get mad at you - I know how hard it is.

please dont call, as everyone has said

romney - do you work? i wonder if you have too much time on your hands to sit around and miss him

have you tried keeping busier? i know its old fashioned advice but it works for lots of people. Esp as you have no kids to cramp your style

could you join a gym? start a nightclass? walk a neighbours dog? do some voluntary work?

the grieving is a process you need to get through. sounds like you are still in denial

Kristina - I know Im still in denial, I dont seem to be able to move forward. I have two part time jobs, three dogs to walk and a horse to look after, I am busy, oh and two children that arnt so young but they are at home.

AF - I wish I could be as strong as you sound, friend and family have always thought I was strong but I never saw this coming and its really knocked the stuffing out of me. I am really struggling! Sorry I dont think I possess any self respect at the moment.

Karmann - thank you.

I am sorry that I seem or probably am desperate. Believe me I dont like being this low.

So glad you have posted - just sat here thinking about you.

You're not desperate - you're desperately hurt. They are two different things.

Everyone thinks I am strong, and I am - except when it comes to him. I didn't see it coming either and his affair went on for 5 years. That is something I have been too embarrassed to post but I've told you now. He didn't leave for OW and he's now in a spare room at his sister's house.

Please keep posting - you are on my mind. My DD left home at 14 (another thing I haven't talked about) so I am now completely alone here now having devoted myself to my family.

Oh dear, just told you more than I've told anyone!