Trying no contact and its so hard!!

[romneymarsh]

My DH decided he doesnt want to come home after his affair but wants to pursue his relationship with the OW.

He has visited me on 4 occasions since his decision, the visits have been lovely as I still want contact but it is killing me slowly. He also gave me a letter last sunday, as when I have asked questions regarding why and how he let this happen, he kept staying he would write the answers down as he could not explain. I finally opened the letter last Thursday and it didn't explain anything, it was full of love and how good our relationship had been blah blah blah (even the counsellor said it was a love letter), this set me right back and I had three very tearful days. I texted him to say I couldn't see him anymore as I was finding it too hard and was really struggling to cope. Anyway, he came round on Sunday and I talked to him, he hoped in a few weeks time I might want to see him again.

The OW was away last weekend on a Hen party getting drunk and this weekend she was meeting up with her friends in Cardiff, he wasn't invited. So in the month since he has made his decision she has been away three weekends out of the four.

What is he doing? and why is he waiting around for her to go out and party?

I know I am right in asking for the no contact for my sanity and trying to mend my broken heart but at the same time it was the hardest thing I have had to do. I miss him so much.

I have been reading other threads and there is so much support and good advice on here. Please help me through this awful time!

Karmann - thank you so much for sharing that with me I appreciate your continued support. I think your right in that I suppose I am usually a strong person but just not when it comes to him.

The strength will come, it's the same old story, it takes time. Time is something we are impatient for, we want it all to be better now.

I miss him, I miss my DD but I am doing really well at building my own life, probably for the first time.

If it were that simple and love was a tap I would turn it off! You can't help who you love, even when they treat you badly, but you can move on. There is a grieving process to go through first.

Karmann you are a wonderfully compassionate poster. I'm intrigued by the journey you have made in such a short time. Well done for having the clarity that a break was needed to move things along, one way or another.

Romney, downthread I suggested that you write it all down - the story of what happened to you. You really don't have to share this with us if you don't want to, but I reiterate that I think it might help you to write it somewhere for you at least.

It doesn't sound as though your anger has kicked in yet. It will come - and it needs to. At the moment, you are still at that bewildered, lost stage. Calling him and tending to him would be a very bad idea. At some point soon, he is going to have to believe that he has lost you forever. At the moment, it still sounds to me that he is hedging his bets a bit. At the moment, you might want him to, but it actually won't help you if he thinks that he could come back to you if/when this new relationship burns itself out.

Shock is a very strange human state and you will feel differently as time goes on.

Keep posting and don't ever feel feeble or weak for feeling as you do. You have suffered an enormous tragedy that has been made worse by the shock element. Don't under-estimate how debilitating something like this is, even for the most resilient of people.

I was told by my therapist that writing our worries often helps our brain to free itself off the owrry. Not that it gets forgotten but if we go on and on about something in our head it of course needs luuking into.

No need to force ourselves to put it behind - rather deal with it, writing it down helps to make that first step od disassotiation.

Maybe this will help.

sorry, i misunderstood, when you said you had no children together i thought you had no children at all

you are being very hard on yourself, expecting that you " move on" already. Its fine to be in denial, its just part of the grieving process, we all go through it. even when someone had died, their loved ones often find it hard to believe, keep waiting on phone calls, letters, texts

its Ok / normal to hope that he will see the error of his ways and come back etc. but its not Ok to act on these feelings, at least its not wise, because calling him etc will just hurt you even more and let him believe he has you dangling on a string, as a back up plan if this doesnt work out

as others have said, soon the anger stage will come in and you will be less concerned about his weight loss and more wanting to cut off his

and then MNers will be here, doing the same, telling you its ok to want to do these things but NOT ok to do them!!!!!!

and you will work out ways to be more constructive with your anger and make it work for you

please rememebr to look after yourself today

I whole heartedly agree with writing things down. The thinking mind is very powerful but it is not who we are. We have 60,000 thoughts a day, 95% the same as yesterday and 80% negative. Writing will free your mind, yes more thoughts will invavde your mind but write them down too. It's a way of letting go, getting it out and taking the power away from thought.

All the thoughts and feelings you are having are natural but it's how you deal with them that will make a difference.

Your emotions are not who you are either, you are a witness to them just as you are a witness to your thoughts. Accept how you feel at any given time and acknowledge those feelings then tell yourself to do something to replace those thoughts. For example, read a book and really concentrate on what you are reading, your thoughts will drift and when they do, be aware of it and bring yourself back to what you are reading.

Please keep posting Romney, as you have seen, there are some lovely people here who really do understand how you feel, having been through it themselves.

WWIFN, thank you. I have to say I am quite amazed at the journey I have made in such a short time. I would love to share some of my writings with you - I think from them you would see how I am achieving it.

Thanks Karmann, I have been overwhelmed by the help I have been receiving, especially from you. I have been really weak again today and been tearful and I dont even know why. Sorry for the short message, off to work!

Your by no means weak Romney - your hurting and the tears and feelings are to be expected. As time goes by you'll cry less. I still have sad moments, I cried yesterday, but on the whole I'm doing pretty well. Even just reading that bit myself I see that I have 'sad moments' as opposed to 'bad days' now.

The difference about yesterday is that I shed a few tears but rather than let it consume me (as it did in the early days) I let it out and made myself get on. Don't expect too much of yourself, it's still so very raw for you.

When I was first alone I hadn't worked outside the home for 10 years, I never went out with female friends and I didn't do anything just for me. I didn't actually know who I was or what I liked to do.

I now have a part time job, only 3 hours a day but it's enough for me, I've picked up with friends and am now realising the value of friendship, and this month I start college. A few months ago I would never had thought I could achieve this.

You will start to feel better in time.

Well done for your progress, good luck with the college course, I admire you for moving forward so well.

I am going away tomorrow for the weekend, I'll catch up with you on Monday, I hope you have a good weekend Karmann and I hope I dont dwell too much while Im having a break.

I hope the break does you good. Try to enjoy it as much as you can.

P.S. Just seen my use of the word 'your' instead of 'you're'! Whoops!