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Original poster

He's used Pro's

56 replies

informationoverload · 02/09/2010 08:45

...more than once.

Abroad and in the UK.

In the past told me he hadn't. Appreciate his honesty (I did ask) but feel confused now.

Says he was in a non-sexual relationship at the time. Confused

Said he had no confidence with women/sexually and needed to 'get laid'.

Says he would again (but not while he's with me)(!).

If his friends were off to Amsterdam for a weekender, he'd want to go and want me to be ok with that.

He's young, he's done it within the last 5 years.

I've been betrayed in the past. Aside from the G.U.M. clinic, I don't really know where to go from here.

In the same weekend he divulged this, asked if I would marry him and says he wants children with me.

I'm confused! I'm glad he's been open but now I feel uncomfortable. He treats me like a queen, but...

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 02/09/2010 08:49

There's no right or wrong answer to this. Either you can cope with it or you can't. For the record I don't think I could. I think it shows a disrespect towards women and the viewing of sex as a commodity. I would find it very hard to trust this person in Amsterdam too.

If you want permission to leave him over this revelation, then you have it. But it is up to you.

How do you feel about it all?

HRHPrincessReality · 02/09/2010 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheUnmentioned · 02/09/2010 08:55

He would want you to be ok with him going to Amsterdam and using prostitutes? Shock

He has asked you to marry him but says he will use prostitutes again but not whilst he's with you? Surely marriage is for life, he shouldnt be thinking there will be a future without you and again, what about point no. 1??

What about if you have kids and are sleep deprived / sore / ill and dont want sex for months and months, will he think that its reasonable to get sex because he wants it?

TitsalinaBumSquash · 02/09/2010 08:58

Ultimately its up to you and what you are feeling, do you feel you can get past this and have a marriage and kids knowing this?

Personally anyone who uses Sex workers repulse me and i wouln't go there. IMO

I couldn't trust him im Amsterdam either.

Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 09:05

TheU - No, if he went to Amsterdam he'd hope I'd be able to trust that he wouldn't - this ties in with him saying 'not while he's with me' which was a hypothetical response to my hypothetical question of 'would you do it again?'.

I too worry about the 'entitlement' thing. You're right, what if I couldn't or wouldn't for any period of time?

Thanks for your responses, I really need to digest the various perspectives.

I'm not sure that using a prostitute makes him a Bad Man. I've known plenty of Bad Men who wouldn't dream of it (or admitting it).

If he was lacking confidence, did only 'need' Confused to get laid, is making a business transaction more right than going on the pull and 'using' a girl less aware of his intentions, IYSWIM?

Not making excuses, just trying to align my thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 09:09

Titsalina - not sure what I'm feeling yet. Brain freeze!

OP posts:
AllarmBells · 02/09/2010 09:15

IMHO your logic is flawed - just because some Bad Men don't, doesn't follow that he isn't a Bad Man if he does, IYSWIM. Bad Men that commit violence don't necessarily burgle houses. Depends whether you think this is something that makes him a bad man.

HRHPR makes a very good point about the exploitation aspect of prostitution. It won't have been like Belle de Jour.

Something many people say on this board is "When someone tells you who they are, listen to them."

loopyloops · 02/09/2010 09:23

I very much agree with HRHPR.

Will you ever be able to trust him?

As for Amsterdam, over my dead body!

And he would use them again? I would be so paranoid that I was putting out enough that he would go off and pay for it elsewhere, not a good basis for a relationship.

No-one "needs" sex. It is a pleasurable thing, but not a necessity. The exploitation point is very valid, and I hope you bought that up with him when you spoke about it.

I'm sorry to say I would just be too disgusted to go near him again.

If you have children together, how will you justify this attitude to them?

Step away.

Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 09:32

I had a friend who worked in the sex industry long before I knew her. She hadn't felt exploited at all.

Was she?

AB - this makes it difficult for me to gauge my moral position on prostitution and the men who use it.

Yes the 'needing to get laid' point is giving me brain itch. I don't function in that way but then again, I know men and women who do and will go out 'on the pull' to satisfy themselves. I see this as (potentially?) predatory behaviour.

I'm musing out loud but not disputing any of your input, it's all valid and useful to me, thank you.

OP posts:
Miggsie · 02/09/2010 09:35

He does not regret it nor does he think it was wrong. He is telling you now to get approval to carry on doing it.

At some point he will sleep with a pro while with you and then throw the "you know I use them" card in your face.

And of course, it will be your fault, because he's right and he's already told you he uses them so it is your rpoblem, not his.

Listen to how he phrased what he was saying. He doesn't like or respect you, talking about settling down and having kids is to make you feel better and keep you around. Like promising a kid a lollipop if they keep quiet.

Get rid, there are men who don't use pro's and you should be able to find one!

Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 09:37

There are men who do but lie about it...

OP posts:
QS · 02/09/2010 09:41

I agree with Miggsie. He is conditioning you.

This is your get out card. Use it while you can. He does not think it is wrong, he sees sex as a commdotiy, so what does that make you? A freebie, a money saver? A little down the line he will feed you the "I thought you were ok with me using pros, I told you all about it, you should have said something then!"

Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 09:43

I don't particularly want to get married or have more children, FWIW.

Neither did he...

I feel as though he was trying to be honest with me before discussing how his feelings have changed/deepened, bringing up marriage/children, etc

I'm being stupid, aren't I Sad

Or am I?! Gah!

OP posts:
Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 09:46

Sorry, I don't intend to be such hard work. This has all been a bit much to take in.

Migs & QS, the thought had crossed my mind. One of those uncomfortable thoughts anyone would rather not think - so I pushed it away. Will explore.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/09/2010 09:55

He doesn't want marriage and children, he wants a 'wifey' to service him domestically and make him look like a respectable grownup while he pursues sex all over the place. And/or he has serious madonna/whore issues (Is he or was he raised as a Catholic?)
Some men who pay for sex make an effort to choose sexworkers who are non-trafficked and not drug addicts (there are ways of being reasonably sure that the sex worker is in the industry from choice), so paying for sex isn't always an indicator of badness. However, this does sound a lot like a man who is setting up a situation with you where you are a) terrified that if you don't allow him enough sex with you that he will go and have it elsewhere and b) you 'should understand' that he isn't all that monogamous, because he has told you and you haven't dumped him.

Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 10:04

Talk to me about Madonna/Whore...?

OP posts:
HRHPrincessReality · 02/09/2010 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 02/09/2010 10:32

Make him sit and watch the sex-trafficking programmes that have been on C4, if he still thinks there's nothing wrong with paying to wank in a woman's body, you have your answer.

If he's been to Amsterdam and used a prostitute, it's highly likely that he's used a foreign coerced woman Sad - the authorities have admitted that the red light district is controlled by mafia style gangs, so punters probably fund drugs and terrorism too - nice eh?

msboogie · 02/09/2010 10:44

If he went out of his way to make sure that these wmen were not being exploited then ok - he is no more than a cheat who sees women as a commodity to be used.

If he didn't, if he used trafficked slaves, foreign women who are locked in rooms when they are not servicing clients, he is a potential rapist and a monster. I know that's not a pretty thing to say but neither is the reality of these women's lives.

And he thinks that's ok.

You could ask him to watch the Channel 4 programme and see if his activities are ok.

I'm amazed that you see no problem with him proposing to you on the same weekend he told you this. It's a pretty promise to stop you thinking about what he has done.

He must think you are very stupid.

You are very stupid if you continue this relationship with a man who sees such little value in women and is now engaged in conditioning you to to think this is ok.

I hope if you do stay with him you don't have any kids becasue your post-pregnancy knackeredness will be a green light to his continuing these activities.

Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 12:18

msboogie, if I didn't feel there was a problem I wouldn't have posted. I hope this goes some way to allay your amazement.

I am taking what's being said on-board. I have emotion heavily invested in this which is why I have asked for all of your objectivity but also means this is a difficult time for me.

I feel quite torn.

I know this may seem frustrating from the outside but I am trying to investigate my feelings on the matter (hence posting) and ultimately seek to do the 'right thing'.

I'm still reading and digesting, please keep posting.

OP posts:
Malificence · 02/09/2010 12:21

Why are you torn? Confused

It either bothers you that he pays women for sex, or it doesn't - it's really that simple.

Original poster
informationoverload · 02/09/2010 12:32

Because-

-If it was prior to 'us' is it relevant to me?

-If he has no intention of doing it while we are together, is it relevant to me?

-If he hadn't told me, I would be none the wiser. I'm sure there are quite a few women who don't know this about their partners pasts - I just happen to know.

-Does it make him 'Bad' or young and thoughtless?

-Does the fact a family member of his arranged the first time when he was in his teens mean that he was somewhat mislead and misguided?

-so on and on...

OP posts:
Elsaz · 02/09/2010 12:41

-If it was prior to 'us' is it relevant to me?
yes because it shows something about his character

-If he has no intention of doing it while we are together, is it relevant to me?
yes because it shows something about his character

-If he hadn't told me, I would be none the wiser. I'm sure there are quite a few women who don't know this about their partners pasts - I just happen to know.
Yes but lots of women whose partners cheat don't know about it - it doesn't mean the partners are honest and faithful

-Does it make him 'Bad' or young and thoughtless? He has done it more than once and says he would do it again, so it's not only about his age

-Does the fact a family member of his arranged the first time when he was in his teens mean that he was somewhat mislead and misguided? He has done it more than once and says he would do it again, so it's not only about how the first time was arranged

AnonLurker · 02/09/2010 12:57

Namechanger here.

I've been in the the same situation OP.

Dh told me from the outset that he'd used prostitutes,he'd visited them while he was single and in the forces (sadly,from what he told me,it's not unusual for forces men to do this).It doesn't make it right either way,it was fundamentally his choice to pay for sex.

We sat down and we discussed it fully.I was shocked at the outset.He was honest,it was hard to hear.I did question whether I wanted to carry on with the relationship and at the end of the day ,I did.

I appreciated that he told me,I think most men who have visited prostitutes don't tell future partners/wives due to the stigma.I 'm not saying he was right but I cannot go back and change my dh's decisions in the past,I wasn't part of his life then,it was all prior to meeting me.

My dh is not a bad man,he's not emotionally stunted or sees me as a sex object and after nearly 10 years of marriage he has to my knowledge,never cheated on me or felt the need to use a prostitute.He is respectful and a fantastic father.

Not sure what my advice is OP,just wanted to say I understand what you are feeling at the moment.

themachinist · 02/09/2010 13:16

Hmm, as a counter story to AnonLurker.

My ex partner of 2 years told me near the beginning of our relationship he had used prostitutes - a handful of times, in Scotland and Amsterdam. He was working for the oil industry as a surveyor at the time and it was 'normal' apparently. He seemed deeply ashamed and had all sorts of justifications (all based around what a damaged/pathetic/hurting person he was at the time, he never tried to justify his actions). After a lot of soul searching i continued the relationship, despite massive misgivings.

It seemed so out of character - this was a mild, unassuming man, from a very gentile family, privileged, educated, sensitive, blah blah.

Anyway, always preyed on my mind, as did the fact that he had visited Thailand on his own (as a backpacker!?) around the same time. He always swore that he never used prostitutes in Thailand (never mind underaged ones), he would never exploit in that way (somehow worse to him than a drug addled pro in Glasgow).

Fast forward 2 years later and the end of relationship came when i discovered child porn on his computer - have written about this elsewhere (under name change). Most of this was Thai, pre pubescent girls (est 9/10), mostly two girls together, revolting.

What i am not trying to do is suggest that paedophilia is necessarily connected with use of pros of course... but i didnt 'listen' to what he told me, I then stupidly trusted him, put it out of my mind as best as i could; he asked me to marry him (said no, but for my own long held reasons) in the meantime, and he turned out to be a disgusting, lying, abusive low life.

Trust your instincts. I didnt. I was in love with him, and thought his honesty at the time touching FFS!

Get rid.

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