Sulking and mild emotional abuse

[Atlantisun]

Hi There,

I'm new to the forum and have been reading another, older thread discussing a similar issue as my own.

There is a pattern emerging in my relationship with my partner which I now suspect to be a mild form of emotional abuse and need to control. I related to everything on the other thread and have ordered the Lundy Bancroft book recommended but several people.

Things will be going great between us then suddenly he will change, start sulking, and be in a bad mood for no apparant reason. This is done in such a way as to make me feel I have done something wrong or to annoy him. When questioned he will deny it, or be irritated that I mentioned it, or accuse me of being the one that is sulking/moody.

I may find out later that something unrelated to me has happened in his life to upset him (perhaps a problem with his son from previous marriage) and that he is projecting this onto me. Or maybe something has happened to make him feel insecure about me (perhaps a male friend making an innocent friendly comment on my facebook page).

Or it may be as simple as I don't agree with him about something. At the moment he has gone to work in the huff because I disagreed with a remark he made that I felt was inappropriate and potentially offensive about someone.

I intend to read the Lundy Bancroft book and have put a time limit of 6 months on the relationship to see how things develop (he does not know this). Then at least I will know that I have tried everything to work towards a healthy relationship . I don't expect or want to change him, but to have a relationship where there is mutual respect.

I would really like to discuss my feelings and confront him about these behaviours and thanks to all the other advice on the previous post as well as my other internet research I have a rough idea of how to approach this. However this is easier said than done. He has a tendency to interrupt so I lose my thread or he will twist everything round to place the blame on me and say that he is the one hard done by. Or he may just walk away and refuse to respond.

Or he will say things like ?Well if that's the way you feel then there is nothing I can do about it?or ?If that's the way you feel then I don't know why you are with me? This makes it nearly impossible to continue any sort of discussion.

I would greatly appreciate any further advice. Epecially in relation to how to deal with the reponses I get from him in the last paragraph that block the conversation continuing. This was not discussed in the other thread hence my own posting.

As I said before the majority of the time the relationship is fantastic so I am always taken by surprise and off guard when things change. When he is feeling better about himself again he is very loving and attentive in an unspoken attempt to make up for things. But I suspect this in itself is all just part of the emotional abuse cycle of contolling when and how often affection is handed out!

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Hi Atlantisun , youve said something in your last post that has bothered me " I want to change myself and my reactions to this type of behaviour ". I may have read that wrong, but i dont think you need to change your reactions to it, i think you need to make sure your not around it.

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Oh and it can change, only if you change first. When you wake up and look at him for what he is, truly, and defend yourself with conviction,he might begin to seek therapy or whatever. If you even care at that point anymore. My abuser became very wary of me to the point he was afraid to eat my dinners in the end (the pathetic sap) because he recognised what a psycho bitch he'd turned me into.

My abuser became very wary of me to the point he was afraid to eat my dinners in the end

I know i shouldnt but

It was a classic.

And I started watching him sleep to freak him out . He'd wake up and there I'd be just staring. The look in his eyes was priceless

Hehe. Its amazing how pathetic and weak they become when you finally stand up to them isnt it. Did he do the simpering " i never meant to,,, " thing or acknowledge that he had treated you badly ?

Not really. Once he said he wasn't proud of himself, and he did the usual crappy apologies after every outburst. But I'd really woken up and was a bit so what about it all. They really are nothing but cowards, the abuser who'd fight a man on the street is very rare. And that's why I wanted to terrify him, to show I was better than him all along.

They really are nothing but cowards, the abuser who'd fight a man on the street is very rare

I agree with that. Mine would literally yell into my face yet back down from any sort of confrontation or difficult conversation outside the home. He was afraid of ringing the bank or utility companys ffs.

Hehehe!!!

So it generally seems agreed that EA can never be mild, it is always going to escalate.

If that is the case, the point at which you decide that your partner is EA you is crucial. Once you've recognised it, named it and started reading into it etc, things can never be the same again. It sounds like that is the start of the end of the relationship (unless you accept it which isn't really being disucssed here.)

But what if you are wrong and you 'diagnosed' what your partner was doing to you as EA, when in actual fact it was just extreme grumpiness and opinionated-ness - sorry surely no such word exists!

But d'you see what I mean? So it seems really crucial that you get it right, else you could be throwing away a good relationship that just has the strain of one person being more dominant than the other.

If a man were a grumpy bollocks he'd be grumpy with everyone. That is the major difference between an abuser and someone who is difficult my nature. The abuser might charm everyone else but terrorize his family behind closed doors. Not all grumpy people have the massive sense of entitlement abusers have either.

by nature not my nature. Freudian slip

I think were probably all guilty of being grumpy and opinionated occasionally but i think theres a clear differance.
A healthy adult will be aware that theyve perhaps been grumpy , and apologise ect, an abusive partner will deny any wrong doing whatsoever.

Everyone deserves a partner who cares about them and listens to how they feel , abusive partners dont listen, you go over old ground again and again and they continue their behaviour even though they know it hurts you.

Every day since I've come onto Mumsnet I've found another reason why I want to stay single!

I really couldn't bear someone who behaves like this - you must feel like you're walking on eggshells.

You have no reason to stay with him, do you? How does he make you feel good about yourself? Don't you feel your heart sink every time he behaves like this? I wouldn't want to be at home with him.

It's different if you have children together - I can understand anyone thinking they will try to make it work in whatever way they can (though I think men like this are beyond redemption.) But you don't have children together - your girls need you to be with someone loving and strong so that they see that as something to aim for.

Do you feel you know why his previous relationship broke up? Is there a chance he was abusive then too?

It was very good that you had a frank conversation with him about it atlanti. How frustrating though to not be taken seriously, with eye rolling etc. You sound very sure in yourself about what is going on which seems a key thing.

Hope things get better for you after your discussion

Two wrongs do not make a right.

the reason they are controlling, is because they are out of control. Op's partner is out of control because he had abandonement stuff in his childhood. He behaves like a sulky child for the same reason....of course therapy can help. Even Women's Aid say that. The freedom prgramme offers men's courses which seem to have some success. The freedom programme is beginning to be offered in secondary schools I believe, to teach boys and girls about these issues.

I guess it depends on how much the individuals in a relationship want it to work, and whether they can face the excrutiatingly difficult work required to get through these issues.

We are attracted to people who fulfill a role set out for us in some part by our childhood.

It's just more complicated and heartbreaking than name calling. And it is a societal problem. Gender roles etc etc.

Hi thisishowifeel, Thank you I already have a quick look at the Pete Walker site. I would say I fall into the codependency/Fawn response catagory. I need to look into this more.

Hi Dignified. My comment "I want to change myself and my reactions to this type of behaviour" is really my desire to deal with any codependancy traits that I have. I am doing this regardless. I don't want to end up in another relationship where anything like this sneaks up on me again. The link you gave me has certainly given me food for thought. I would say my partner has about 50% of the signs and symptoms. He does not have any passive aggressive traits. Now I think about it my ex was very passive aggressive as well as EA. I just woke up one day and smelt the coffee. So that really says a lot about what I need to work on myself to avoid yet another unhealthy pairing up.

Hi Loves2Walk, I already can feel myself changing and daresay it is the beginning of the end. He was married for about 17 years. From what I have heard (not from him) and sometimes seen, his ex has always been a bit mentally unstable, it seems to run in her family. The 11 year old sometimes has a hard time of it with her. My theory is that he was with her so long because he could always feel he was the one in control because she was always (and still is 9 year later) losing it. But I could be wrong. To be honest who am I to talk with my codependency etc!

Hi atswim and spikey - also thanks for the input. Yes we don't have the added complication of children together, however I think the 11year old will suffer a bit if we split since she has a bit more stability with us than she gets at home.

OP, you sound both eloquent and educated, you are analytical and perceptive, I would say, you are quite possibly intelligent.

So, why are you in a relationship with this man?

Do you need a challenge? An pet project?

It seems too much hard work for it to be worth it, to be honest.

You have the warning signs.

I would advice you to listen carefully to Atilla, she (sadly) knows a lot about toxic relationships, be it with partners or parents. There are many other posters on your thread worth listening too, just so that is said.

Atlantis -I'm also reading this thread with interest.

I've just read the Bancroft book and although very enlightening (bases the behaviour of the abuser on their sense of entitlement) it doesn't really tell me how to deal with it so reading all the comments here.

The emotional abuse will increase. My dh is abusive and it's got the stage where he thinks he can talk to me disrespectfully and pull faces etc in front of my family when he sees fit.

If you can nip this in the bud - do so.

Have you spoken to your family about what he's doing Giveitago? Would they understand? I'd say something like "That is very odd behaviour H! Why are you pulling faces and talking to me like that? I'd prefer a normal relationship!" in a breezy tone. Show him up for what he is. Don't accept it as the norm, don't allow snidey comments even in company. They like to keep it hidden, don't allow it.
I'd say this applies to EA abusers only though. If a man has been violent before don't expose him in this manner or you'll get punished for it. Use your instinct and if you sense danger just keep your anger hidden and use it to plan your escape.

spikey - what you've said does make sense.

My family are very aware - not just my mum (he expects me to spend weeks at a time with mil - sometimes months - he doesn't ask me whether or not it's convenient - he'll just let me know - yet he's spent less than 3 days with my mum in the last three years). His view is that everything is about him and making him feel better - his mum sadly agrees.

But the emotional abuse has got worse. It's the sulks, deliberately talking in a soft voice so I have to say 'pardon?' then he kicks off, the sneers, his telling my how horrible I am and how awful other people think I am.

It's escalated because I've not tackled it - partly because you just get used to something and it creeps up you without noticing and partly because he hides behind our young child - and I don't want my ds to hear anything or feel fear (it's not at all directed at him) in his home. However, it's shite - and now ds is starting school in sept I'll have some time alone with dh and I will have to start fighting back (when ds not around). Sad thing is that ds has noticed and told my mum that daddy doesn't love mummy and he's horrible to her. Oh shit - I feel wretched and I worry about him thinking this is a normal dynamic.

He's got so bad he did it to his own sister a few weeks back. He's done it to my mum - my cousin a few years back said to me did I realise that anytime I opened my mouth he was sneering at me (I hadn't noticed actually).

Op - the lundy bancroft book will be great for you - if you wonder whether you are in fact being abused, you'll know by reading it - it's very clear. If you can stop this in it's tracks I'd do so.

Well I'm loving the approaches mentioned in the threads and givce it a few weeks when I have more space the fight back will happen.

You're right about these men being cowards - they don't do it to their mothers, or to their colleagues.

That sounds really tough giveitago, the sneering must be quite extreme for others to notice it. Hope you can get support from those people.

Can I just ask people here something - hope you don't mind atlanti - but maybe you're wondering about this element too, so thought you wouldn't mind me asking people this question -

to the people who have recognised EA and tackled it, did you feel guilty for tackling something that you were once happy to go along with? You know, when it's early days with a relationship and you put up with sulking or whatever, but then years down the line you recognise a pattern of behaviour and start to confront it, but feel guilty that you've allowed it to continue, or given the expectation to your partner that it is acceptable, only to 'change your mind' some years down the line? Does that make sense? I feel I have allowed things to develop unchallenged, so part of the problem is me.

No I didn't feel guilty at all really. Only a bit at how it ended up like that. I don't think abuse survivors are part of the problem. It creeps up, we are conditioned gradually. I know loads of abuse survivors who are intelligent, strong, feisty women and still got sucked in.

And don't forget most arses only start when they feel they've "got you" so don't give major warning signs in the early stages. Now I know you have to watch how they are with shop assistants, animals etc because it'll be you in a while.

thanks spikey. interesting you say lots of abuse survivors are feisty etc. I sort of assume here part of our problem is that I am not able to confront enough and lay down concrete boundaries.

So for example when my H and I are arguing and I start being assertive (which I am normally), he then starts being stroppy and my throat constricts, like I can't swallow, so if I'm drinking at the time of an argument, I don't take a drink as a few times when I have taken a drink during a row, I choke on it. Wierd! But that wierd throat thing makes me want it all to be over, so I back down and say 'oh well, lets leave it, lets not argue anymore'

I once told him he made me have a funny throat thing when he was angry, and he told me not to be ridiculous, he'd never heard of that before. But it's real to me and never happens with anyone else. But my question though is that by backing down so readily, is my lack of assertiveness part of the problem?