is DH losing interest in the world?

[alicatsg]

OK heres the deal - DH is a sahd (and v good one) and I usually work long hours etc. Am currently "between jobs" but have offers from 2 firms so likely to be back to work in early Oct, again long hours and commute. I also do all the housework so DH can focus on DS (his idea, I'm a muppet)

We haven't had a holiday since DS was born almost 2 yrs ago and this was the perfect opportunity imo. Just somewhere in UK, nothing major. DH doesn't want to go because he thinks it'll be too much work. His suggestion was that we went to MILs (who I don't get on with and who thinks am unnatural mother for working) which is as far from a holiday as is imaginable.

I'm worried that he's becoming insular - we do nothing together, he won't go out to eat because he says its not to his standard, never makes an effort to see his friends and sulks if I go out. I feel really trapped and frankly bored. He won't talk about it. Partly its exacerbated at the mo because I'm not working but its really depressing me.

What should I do?

Poor DH Sound like it, could he be persuaded to tag along with you, or would he be happy for you to go on your own with DS...I know I folow my kids around like a bad smell and whereever they go I go too

Hi Alicatsg. Just wondered how long DH had been a sahd and if he has any friends. I became a sahm after moving to a new area. I found that I became quite isolated and insular and what sounds very like your dh. I wouldnt go as far as saying I was depressed, but I definately cut off. It is only with hindsight that I can see that now. Does he do anything without you or ds?

To be honest I think he sounds a lot like some of the sahm's I know - and I recognise a lot of his behaviour in myself!

Sounds as though he needs some regular time to himself - is it possible to give him one afternoon a week completely free from responsibilities? Or you take the kids away for a weekend?

He is doing an OU course and has music lessons that he goes to on a weekly basis, and tbh he is really free to take himself off at the weekends if he wants to (I don't drive so its harder for me to take off). He just doesn't seem to have any interest in the world outside his little bunker and I find that really worrying.

He's been a SAHD since we moved here almost 18 months ago and he's made little effort to meet people. I struggle too because until this week I've always been at work so have fewer opportunities. He never used to be like this.

I guess your real problem is getting him to recognise that this is an issue IYKWIM. What is his response if you suggest things to him e.g. " Why don't you give X a ring and see if he fancies a beer?" I think you will just have to bite the bullet and start doing things either by yourself or with DS and hope that by doing that, you'll inspire him to do the same.

book one and say 'look darling see what I've done for us' .. make sure it has childcare and you're self-catering

personally I know what DH is feeling .. as a SAHM myself I am currently going through a similar kind of 'holiday's are too much effort' feeling, but have also lost quite a lot of my spark for life anyway .. if I wasn't me I would say I was bordering on depression .. but I don't believe in depression so I won't (its like having a migraine .. I'm happy enough with a headache IYSIM)

sorry I just rambled .. having a weak day today

I also recognise the behaviour from how I feel.
Could he be persuaded or encouraged to get out more with friends, socially or perhaps an evening class to something he enjoys or has always wanted to do?
Holidays are also worth the effort.... Def urge him to book it, you need this break as much as he does too!

Twiglett I agree, I often feel this way too. When you are doing all the child-related stuff all the time, a 'holiday' just seems like doing exactly the same thing, in a different place = more hassle. I can't be arsed.

What I DO get a kick out of though is having weekends/days to myself when DH takes dd away completely. I can just relax, work, exercise, or whatever. I feel 500% better afterwards.

Why not go away just the 2 of you, and arrange for family member to babysit, if poss?
Even a weekend would do you both the world of good - maybe you could visit friends of your DH, that might reignite his interest in other adults!
hth

Twig, come up North and have a cuddle.

My dh is the same he is a sahd, he never goes out with mates (doesnt have any), he wont go on holiday and we dont do alot together but he is a brilliant dad and i love him loads. My dh suffers from depresion and he finds it hard to meet new people, i think he feels happier at home so i go out with out him.

awwww hub

You know where we are. We spend most of the day waiting for sick and pooh, so don't go out much, and it would be no problem to welcome you and yours for mass group cuddling, OK.

Maybe DW can make you some veggie Chicken Soup or sommit ???

MutualfFriend does the journey in under one hour, and there's a park near here, so maybe visit enroute to folks (unless that only makes you feel more weird, LOL).

You're welcome any time and you need to see the competitor for Maddy Moo's Most Beautiful Babba Competition cos my Cam is gonna kick the Moo's ass, I'm tellin ya.

X

Alicatsq - have been thinking about this one as dp is a half sahd (works pt) and is similar to your DH (except he will go out and eat and does go to a wine tasting class!) - but with dp he was ALWAYS like this, he hasn't really changed. So my question is has he always been like this and because of your unlooked for free time you have become more acutely aware of it? Just a thought!
I think you have to make him talk and point out relationships consist of two people and you need to do things together...

Have booked a babysitter for tonight and am DRAGGING him to the pub for a couple of hours. Most men would be delighted, his view was that we could get a couple of cans in and watch TV.... heavy sigh.

good luck, alicat - hope this is just a passing phase

good luck (have to admit, dp would be gaggging to go out without ds....!) try to get your point across....

he lasted an underwhelming 1 hour 15 minutes before deciding we should go home. maybe I should take up crochet and resign myself to a pipe and slippers life

oh dear alicatsg, sorry it didn't go so well.

was thinking about this, "also do all the housework so DH can focus on DS ". This doesn't seem very fair, why don't you split it? But also I was wondering is he just in a vicious cycle; the less you go out and socialise (even down to the shops) the less you want to. Do you think he might be depressed? what does he say when you talk to him about it?

oh alicatsg so sorry to hear this - got to keep plugging away girl - the pipe and slippers are a long way off yet!

managed to get him out with DS yesterday and he even admitted he enjoyed it. A step at least.

He says he isn't depressed just doesn't see the point when our jhome is so nice (its ok but... it aint disneyland you know?)