Please Help - Want to Leave Him

[silveryfox]

Hi - I've name changed because this is a big thing, not sure if I have the balls to go through with it, but want to - so much.

I feel our marriage is over, but I am scared about leaving. I don't know how or if I would cope on my own. I earn a reasonable wage, but we have quite a large joint debt. He earns twice what I do, I have no idea of benefits I might be entitled to as a single mother, not sure how things are in terms of benefits since the changes have started to be brought in, scared I'll be dooming my baby boy to live in a situation where we have no money, dooming myself too.

We've tried to shore this marriage up for the last 2 to 3 years, separated for about 6 mths last year while I was pregnant but got back together again and agreed we'd give it another go for the sake of the baby. But its now clear to me it really is over - for me anyway.

He seems to have no problem living with the rows. It feels like we're flogging a dead horse. I've been feeling for a long time like I am just not interested in the physical side anymore - and I thought it was because I was so tired from bringing up our son/working full time, etc. I am now having extremely strong feelings for a guy at work - one of my senior managers actually, and I've discovered in the last couple of weeks that its not my libido thats gone south, its my feelings for my husband - this is nothing to do with me fancying my manager, I was feeling like this before I went back to work. My senior manager has made it clear he fancies me and I've been bouncing off the walls ever since - my smile has returned.

He joined my department 2 yrs ago just before I conceived and we flirted but that was it. Nothing more than that. I thought that being out of the office on Maternity Leave and away from him for the 52 weeks would mean my attraction for him would wane and I welcomed that. However, I've been back at work full time now for around 8 weeks and it is still there - if not stronger.

Quite apart from the fact that he's married/I'm married/we both have young children (I'm not intending this to go any further) it has made me realise that my relationship (for me anyway) is dead - I care about him, but it just isn't working.

I never looked at another man before now, but whereas before when my husband worked long hours I would feel really upset that he wasn't here (and if I dared to tell him I missed him and wished he was here and not working late - again, I would get it in the neck from him for not understanding - he has a very bad temper which is made worse if he feels guilty about something i.e. working late, etc.)now when he works late and I don't miss him or get upset, he now gets upset that I don't.

I care about him - we;ve been together for over 5 years, but I'm not in love with him, we can't seem to find any harmony together, we have completely differnt outlooks on life, which have only got worse since my son was born - I've gone into full blown mother mode.

Whereas my priorities are that we are all safe/warm and fed and physically safe, and I don't care too much about things like cars/keys/gadgets, etc. (some of this is due to baby-brain and I have occasionally forgotten to lock the car while dealing with a hungry baby and supermarket bags/trying to get the baby fed and into bed at a reasonable time, after having doen a full day's work. I often don't get to eat until past 9pm) he only cares about security of things like cars/keys/gadgets, etc. Its ok for him to break something, as long as no one else touches "his things" - i.e. car/house, etc) He is very insecure and thinks everyone is out to get him - he's always been like this - I recently misplaced my car keys in the house and it took 10 mins for me to find them again. In that time he had us changing all the locks on the house, changing the keys to the car, etc. because he thought I'd left them in the car on the drive and that som3eone in the few mins I was away from the car looking for them in the house (they weren't - they were on my bed upstairs) had stolen then and was waiting for us to go out so they could ransack the house! He ranted and raved for 30 mins about that and it got so out of hand we had to cancel our day out. He admits now he went overboard, but its just one of many "overboard incidents".

I've recently been in hospital as an emergency case with gall stones - I had them out at the weekend and am now at home supposedly recovering. However, this is not really happening as he refuses to make sacrifices as far as his job is concerned. I am unable to lift the baby due to my stomach muscles having 4 holes in them from the keyhole surgery and yet he won't come home early to help with bathing the baby and putting him to bed/leave the house later in the morning to take the baby to nursery. We've had to rely on my friends' good natures and ask them to take him to and from nursery until I can drive again.

Another issue is we've slept apart for the last few years as he snores incredibly loudly - this is down to him being morbidly obese. He's promised me so many times over the years he wants to do something about it as we have both said we want to be able to sleep in the same bed again - but he keeps eating takeaways, McDonalds, etc. etc.

I buy all sorts of healthy stuff for the fridge and cupboards, but what I don't eat gets thrown away because he won't eat it.

I don't know if these things sound really petty, or whether I sound like i'm making excuses, but having rediscovered my feelings and that I'm not actually closed off, I'm feeling realy suffocated. But I'm scared. I've not been on my own for over 5 years.

I have a baby now that I'm responsible for. I've never had any experience of the benefits system so don't have a clue about tax credits/childcare vouchers, etc. My family lives a long way away, and I don't have a great relationship with them so its not like I can turn to them for support or advice.

Can anyone advise me? Please? I've stayed and we've tried to make it work but I'm now worried about the affect all the rowing etc is haivng on my baby - he's 15 mths old now and is starting to talk and surely understand whats going on/understand that this is not a happy home.

Sorry this is an extremely long post - I started out just wanting advice on how to leave, and ended up writing an essay! My apologies. Guess it was good to get some of it out! Theres lots more, but didn't want to bore anyone more than I have already! If you've got this far, thanks for reading.

Well he sounds a bit grim (the excessive paranoia, the selfishness). It's a lot better to be single than living with someone who is a drain on your strength and resources. The first thing to do is look into what you would be entitled to WRT the house, benefits, etc. Who owns the house (if it's bought)? Unless he is dangerously violent you can't just throw your husband out for being a lazy PITA - seek legal advice about forced sales if necessary. What do you think he will do if you say to him that the marriage is over and you want to separate? Is he likely to be reasonable, or horrible?

Our house is jointly owned with a mortgage. He does throw his weight around - he's 6'4" and built like the proverbial .... problem is he doesn't see it - he doesn't realise how intimidating he is when he gets angry and pissed off. This has been a major bone of contention between us since the start, but I always believed him when he said he would work on it - I married him because I wanted to believe him

In terms of the "a bit grim" comment - you have no idea how well you've hit thenail on the head but I don't want to elaborate as it will just all be about that if I do. All I'll say is he has, and has had, some horrible (well more than horrible actually!) habits over the years, which have added to our problems. Anyway....

In answer to your last question, althogh he is not ALL bad, yes, if I tell him its over there is a 99.9% chance he will be horrible adn very unreasonable. He will I know, say that now I have gthe baby I've always wanted I jjust want to get rid of him - its what he said when we separated last year adn I guess part of what made me try again with him. Stupid I know, but my hormones were all over the place, my family were no help/support at all, and everything was just awful.

What I wanted was to know if there is anyone on here who can give me some guidance before I go for legal advice. My best case scenario would be that we could be amicable about it, but I really don'tr think its possible after what it was like last year, and I know how much he loves our boy. I know its going to kill him to think of being apart from him (althogh what am I saying?? he leaves the house at 7am and most nights gets home after 9pm, quite often its closer to midnight!)

A bit grim, he's far more than being a bit grim!!. Your H sounds completely unhinged actually but you are still not responsible for him when all is said and done. Your main responsibilities are to you and your child, not this person.

Do not let your fear of the unknown prevent you from walking into a potentially better life with your boy without your H's malign prescence in it on a daily basis.

I think it is only when you are completely away from this man that you will come to realise the enormity of what he has done to you (and by turn your child). You may go onto wonder why on earth you did not leave sooner.

Seek advice from the CAB about the benefits system; find out what you are entitled to. The information is out there and it can be accessed.

I would also talk to Womens Aid as they can be helpful in your circumstances as well.

Potential other man is a complete non starter as you know; you need to remain professional in front of him. Having any other relationship than a professional one with this senior manager bloke (and he is using you as well btw) will make your life a lot bloody worse. You do not need additional complications. If you can transfer to another dept within your workplace do so.

You need to end your marriage completely and be on your own for a bit to emotionally heal and work on rebuilding your life and emotional self esteem and worth. Your H has certainly done a fine job of destroying you as a person but you still have some fight left. You would not have posted here otherwise.

Did you think when you married him that marriage and or children were going to change him?. You wrte that you wanted to believe him, hmmm. I cannot blame you for thinking that but that was naive at best and completely wrong at worst. Truly a triumph of hope over experience. Perhaps your own experiences with your own (toxic?) family made you more prone to respond to the attentions of such a man (who was probably abusive from the get go) in the first place.

You do not want your son growing up long term in such an atmosphere; it will affect him to his emotional detriment. You staying with such a man is not a legacy you want to be leaving your son as he will learn damaging lessons from you both re relationships if you do.

hello silveryfox

i was in a similar situation... i was living with the father of my dcs, he was a bit grim generally and offered me no support, and i knew i didnt feel anything for him physically and resented his lack of respect for me. but at the same time he just did not understand - he thought everything was fine.

anyway after trying repeatedly to talk to him, i left him a few months ago. i borrowed enough money and rented a flat and moved all my stuff and the dcs' stuff out one day when he was at work.

he has not taken it well, he has not accepted that it's over, he thinks i am being a total bitch, he will not agree a regular contact routine with the dcs, he badmouths me in front of them, he breaks promises, he is making my life a nightmare. but you know, that just proves i did the right thing, in a way.

i have no idea how to get out of this mess but there is still a light at the end of the tunnel i guess - the vision that one day i will be a strong, successful, happy, capable single mum and my dcs will be happy and safe...

Hi - well it all came to a head last night and I ended up telling him I wanted to finish it. I had gone to bed and he came up after me and asked if he could come for a "snuggle", and as I have been feeling worse and worse each time I say no to him I said ok. He got in to bed behind me and I was painting my nails and lay behind me while we just chatted about nothing for about 10 mins, then he said he wanted me to turn round to face him for a proper snuggle so I did, and he tried to kiss me and wanted to start getting frisky, and I just thought I can't take this any more!

I kept turning my head away and he got all hurt obviously and said don't you fancy me anymore? don't you want to kiss me? and it all came tumbling out - this was at midnight and we were still going at 5am this morning. W're both exhausted, he's completely bemused and angry and upset, which is to be expected, - one minute saying he wasn't expecting this, the next that he knew something like this was coming. One minute he's saying he wants me and we can make it work, the next he's ranting at me all sorts of untrue, shitty stuff about me.

He said that if I left this house I would not be taking our boy with me, and that he would do everything in his power, including giving up his job (the one he wouldn't put out for me when I was in hospital and recovering at home) to get custody. He said he would put all the legal fees on credit cards and get the best lawyer available to stop me from going anywhere with the baby. He said if I stayed in the house we could try to live separate lives as he didn't want to not see the baby 7 days a week - even though he has continued to work extremely long hours for the entire time I've known him - but like I said, he said he would change jobs, get a lower paid job, give up work, etc. to enable him to get custody and it would be me who would be living without our baby not him.

The baby woke for his bottle at 4.30am as usual and I got up to give it to him and my OH jumped up and insisted he would do it, and that I wasn't going to deprive him of his son.

We both only had 2 hours sleep, and I offered this morning to look after the baby so he could go back to bed but he refused. I know he's hurt, etc. but he really does come across like he's got a screw loose - like I think I've said before, he sees and hears all sorts of things that aren't said/done, thinks I've said one thing when I've said something completely different.

Anyway, the thing I'm reeling from is the fact that I have to stay here or lose custody apparently. I cannot afford to hire lawyers on a credit card. I earn too much to be eligible for legal aid. He took out a massive loan a couple of months ago to clear the credit card debt he ran up when we split up last year - £18,000 in total! (admittedly some of that was a credit card that we had already, but £10k of the £18k was legal fees from last year). Just to add - the loan is in his name, but as some of it was paying off some of the card that I had used I'm paying 50% at the moment. If I left I would have to pay rent, half of our mortgage and half of the loan, as well as all the other day to day bills, etc. Just no way I can do it, even with tax credits - which by the way he said were being phased out? Is that true?

He's now taken the baby swimming, so I wanted to post while he's out, but he'll be back soon so not sure when I can get back on here.

But God! I wish I hadn't done that last night - I've only had two hours sleep myself, but am so wired and wound up I can't sleep anyway, I'm still recovering from the op, and best of all - none of my friends have returned my calls to them as I really need a shoulder to cry on at the moment. I guess being bank holiday weekend everyone's busy. I would love to go and pour it all out to my mum, but know she would just take his side - like she always does. She would climb over me to get to him, and doesn't understand why I get upset. She never wants to talk about me, only him.

I just couldn['t hold it in any longer though, and I was feeling worse and worse everytime I refused his advances, and I guess I have been feeling worse and worse about myself living like this - I need cuddles, affection etc, just not from someone who clearly is not livin on the same planet as the rest of us!

Hi - well I took the baby to stay at my mums yesterday afternoon - he stayed over night and I'll go and pick him up for around tea time. I didn't want him to be here for any more rows and stress for a while. If I could leave him there until this was all sorted I would - I feel so bad for him.

He's surely at the age now when he will be able to notice the anger between us? Even if he doesn't understand what is actually being said.

I got back quite late last night, although mum didn't ask what was wrong and I didn't offer the information. I think she just thinks we've fallen out again but that we'll be fine. I could really have done with a shoulder to cry on yesterday, but obviously wasn't going to get it from her.

As I said, I got home quite late and when I got in he had waited up for me, but I said I was too tired to talk and just wanted to go to bed and that we could talk tomorrow. He said ok.

Now tomorrow has come and I'm just dreading all the same things that happened yesterday - the switching between trying to cuddle me, and saying he wants it to be amicable to utter nastiness, hate and vitriol pouring out of his mouth. I've only tried to be honest with him, and its not like I've said I hate him or even don't love him/care for him. We just cannot live together, that much is clear. But how do I deal with his reactions?

Please help me work out how to speak to him/deal with him/what to do next. I'm the one who should be feeling better, but I don't - I just feel awful and sick, very low, etc. Yesterday after he said he would do all in his power to keep the baby here and I could piss off I even started thinking maybe that would be best for the baby! He really has a clever way of making me believe what he says - even if he doesn't mean it. I feel so crappy!

Part of me wishes we could go back to just living a lie again, then at least I wouldn't have to be dealing with all this. please help!!!

Silvery I am so sorry you are going through this.

First of all take some comfort from superfrench ie it will get better.

I think as a priority you need to go to the CAB and get advice on your position. Also some solicitors do a free half hour consultation which would give you a basic idea of your position. I am no lawyer but I am pretty sure he cant take your baby away from you.

I understand what you mean about living a lie but you can get through this and now you have started the process you must see it through.

Try texting a close friend and explain you are in trouble and get some RL support , people wont know you need help unless you ask !!

I have to go but I just wanted to post something as you sound so

OK, first of all, he can't say "if you leave this house you can't take the baby". He just doesn't get to choose that so don't let it panic you - which it was it was obviously designed to do.

Go to the CAB soonest and get them to advise you on benefits and to help you find legal help. The CAB would be my first port of call every time.

Agree about seeing the nice people at CAB.
Speaking as someone who has in the last few months left a bloke who was about as equally offensively unpleasant as yours, it can be done. It's not just possible, but desirable and even lovely living alone after sharing a house and a life with someone like that. I understand your concerns, but frankly I think they would melt away as soon as you got some advice about what is realistically possible, and once you started out on that path. It can be a headache arranging benefits and the like, I won't lie. And setting everything up initially can be hair-pullingly stressful. But it's SO worth it.
I've never been happier, and even though there is someone who's kinda on my radar who I'm interested in and can eventually perhaps see something developing with, I'm never going to be in a hurry to live with a man again. I like having my own space too much, it's SO NICE not being nagged and made to feel like shit about petty little things. Also having my childcare decisions constantly questioned, something I didn't even pick up on when I was with my ex, but something I'm now loving the absence of. Can I put it any simpler? I LOVE LIVING ALONE!

Basically, go for it, because even the shit stuff will be outweighed by all the good points, and it doesn't sound as if your relationship is going to pick up. Would you even want it to? he sounds like a right charmer... Plus as your little one gets older, it just gets more difficult to stay, and more difficult to leave. Go while he's still young.
Take care :)

Ohh, and just saw your follow ups: my ex was EXACTLY the same. The whole 'I'm going to take you to court' thing, and also switching between spewing hatred and viciousness and being all pally with me. It was utterly bizarre. In the end I just started to feel pity for him, and his behavior washed over me in the end without affecting me as much. I say as much, because it was obviously horrible right until I moved out, and indeed is still horrible when I have to be around him. Which is luckily not a lot.

The thing is, I might get flamed by blokes or whoever, but fathers currently have f*ck-all rights when it comes to their kids. The whole 'alternate weekends and every Wednesday' still seems to be the norm in many situations, and as you have been the main carer for your child's whole young life, your tit of a partner giving him a few bottles now is not going to wipe that away. Mine tried that as well, and was all desperate to prove how much he pulled his weight, but is just highlighted how little of a shit he gave before, and he soon stopped anyway. There's a difference between caring for a child suddenly, vindictively, to make a point, and doing it out of genuine love.
He is almost certainly trying to hurt and scare you with his angry words, and will all likelihood NOT ever take you to court to obtain full custody of your son. Such custody would in any case probably not be awarded, with a 50/50 setup being possible, and the whole weekends and Wednesdays thing being probable. Just keep on doing what you are doing, with regards to your son, and keep posting on here for support. Sounds like you're going to need it, because certain people, when they are hurting a lot, will be utterly unscrupulous in what they do and say, and it can be horrible to be around that. You have my complete sympathy. But it is still possible to advisable to leave, and in a way he is doing you a favour by showing his true colours, is he not? If he looked like a right knob before, he's really sealed the deal now.
Hang in there! x

Thanks for your messages. well we talked again and he admitted that he only said about taking the baby off of me because he was hurt and upset and he knew it would be futile to try as the courts are all geared towards the mother not the father. He wants me to stay for now "while I work out what I want to do" and then go from there. He still wants to be with me, doesn't want anyone else etc etc. and I think is hoping if he can persuade me to stay and shows me how extremely nice he is/can be I will change my mind. He wants us to stay together for the sake of the baby and since yesterday morning has had his reasonable, loving head on - he keeps trying to hug me, and while we were watching tv last night tried to hold my hand. When I said no he looked all hurt. He's asked that we go out as a family today "for the baby's sake" (and his!) and stupidly (after the comment about it being for the baby'a sake) said yes. Now this morning I got up at 8am as that was the time I had decided to get up, no other reason. The baby was in bed with him and was crying and protesting and I thought it was because he wanted to get up but my husband didn't so I went in to say I would take him downstairs as I was getting up anyway and he said with a smirk on his face "I knew you'd have to come in! You jsut can't trust me can you??" He doesn't seem to get that if I as a mother hear my baby crying I'm going to go to him - no matter where he is or who he's with. Anyway b etter dash - husbabnd has just got up. Spk later

Oh silveryfox, I have so much sympathy for you! I left my ds's dad last year but I made the decision under the advice of MN'ers to leave without telling him and I am so glad I did. If I were you I would do as already advised, go to CAB, call women's aid (my ex never laid a finger on me but when I looked into it that was the only abusive trait he had yet to tick off his list and I knew he wouldn't just let me leave). I had tried to leave before ad had similar behaviour as you are receiving now.

You know what you need to do and you can do it. You will eventually be happier and will realise what a weight it puts on you living with someone like this. Take it one small step at a time, and take it easy - you have a toddler and are recovering from surgery, be kind to yourself.

Hi again - well it all really kicked off after he got up. He said that after having another night to think he had decided that he might try ti take me to court afterall for full custody. Nowhere in any of my dealings have I said that I would be anything less than fair but he says that as I have taken his choices away from him for my own selfish ends and because I had decided we would break up without consulting him he didn't know if he could fight fair and be reasonable and grown up about it afterall.

He spent a long time telling me the only one who would be hurt was the baby and that he deserved a full time mummy and daddy, and he didn't deserve to just spend time with each of us alone. I had just said I didn't want to go out with him this afternoon afterall because of all this and that he should take him by himself, or if he didn't want to I would but I didn't want to go witgh him. He then started getting really pissed off and saying he knew I would sabotage this family day out, its what I always do, and by the way was I aware that I sabotage all my relationships? With him, with my family, with my friends, etc. and he did not want the baby (hereon to be known as 'L') to grow up without any friends as I would undoubtedly drive everyone away and we would end up with no friends. I said what I did or didn't do with my relationships from here on was none of his concern and he said it was because he was still L's father. Round and round and round..... yawn.

This went on for an hour - he doesn't as much discuss as talk at me, even though he will end a sentence with a question making me think I can respond. He finishes one sentence and immediately launces into another. He's always been like it, and just won't let me get a word in anywhere.

Anyway, like I said an hour later its still going on, this row, and the baby woke from his nap. My husband jumped up like he did the other night and got him from his cot and brought him into the bedroom where we were having this "discussion".

Whereas just a few mins before he had been telling me what a selfish cow (or similar) I am and have always been, how he's fed up of me talking to him like a piece of sh*t, now the baby is here and I'm holding him, he changes tack and goes all loveydovey on me because the mother of his child is cuddling the baby and he goes all misty eyed, etc. Next he's saying he still really wants us to go out and like I said started putting a guilt trip on me, and as usual I relented and we went out. All bloody afternoon he was trying to touch me, hug me, hold my hand, etc. Aaaargh! I'm so weak!

I knwo you keep saying go to the CAB but when I went last year about us splitting up and to find out about benefits etc. they were absolutely useless - I'm sure not all CAB advisors are it was probably jsut the one I saw but its really put me off going back there - plus its difficult to get in to see someone as you have to wait to be seen on a triage basis then wait for an appt to come through, and working full time makes this really difficult.

Anyway, my plan is to call the job centre tomorrow and try to make an appt to see someone there about things and also to phone the council to speak to soemone about housing. Its all such a bloody mess!!! I jsut wish he would be the nice one all the time.

Life of Riley, you said "when I looked into it" - what did you do to look into it? A book? Just wondered as I feel I am in a similar situation to your short description, but just not sure iyswim.

Silveryfox, so much of what you have described is very familiar to me. My ex said 'You're not taking my children away' and told me to leave several times. Now he has them two nights a week and tries to keep it to a minimum so that he can still do all the things he wants to do.

Stay strong, and get out, it will be best for you and the little one.

Silveryfox, I was there this time last year! I was not married to my XP and we were renting rather than homeowners, so that made it simpler.

I wonder if you challenging him on these things - custody etc - is making him more riled up and like he wants to win. Personally I would not mention it. I started out having discussions with my XP - hoping for an amicable split, it was clear he couldn't have been happy in the relationship either, we never had sex which he made clear he was not happy about, just never seemed to ever have good times together any more.

The more I talked to him about it the more angry he would get, once he even said (in front of a friend, in a jokey voice) "Hah, she wouldn't leave me. You won't leave me. Because if you do, I'll kill you. Hahaha." it was said so casually that I didn't register at the time, but only much later I realised the police would have taken it, as a death threat, very seriously.

He also used to do things like engineer it so that when we were having "serious discussions" or arguments, other people would be in earshot or he'd drive us in the car somewhere so he was totally in control. I was scared to say anything in case he crashed on purpose or abandoned me in the middle of nowhere. He never ever threatened to do this but I was just always conscious that he could

In the end I left all discussion about it and just made my plans in secret and left one day when he was at work. It was hard. It was horrible and I'm not lying - it was so, so draining living a lie. But it was also so, so worth it. Me and DS have been on our own 9 months now and it's wonderful. I'm being honest about how hard it was because I think you can take it - believe me though it's just unimaginable when you come out the other side.

What I found helpful was speaking to my local police domestic violence team. I didn't get through to Women's Aid but looking back I really wish I'd rung back, having heard about the great advice others have had - don't worry about taking away resources from women in "real need". Just because he's never hit you doesn't mean you are any less in danger or that you are any less deserving of their advice, even if that is all you choose to take.

I would delete mumsnet from your browsing history as well, or use "private browsing" mode when viewing this thread, if you think there is any chance he will look at it. Look at www.entitledto.com for ideas on how much your benefits are likely to be. If you want a rough idea of how much bills will be with just you and your DS in a small rented house/flat I'm happy to estimate about what mine are if it helps with your calculations. I too found CAB useless. I actually went into the police station at one point to ask for directions for a local housing association to make enquiries and the officer on the desk - the oldest, grumpiest looking policeman you could imagine - was lovely and found me loads of extra stuff on the internet, phone numbers etc. He seemed genuinely concerned and wished me good luck on my way out :)

If you're wanting a divorce, then you will need a solicitor anyway - perhaps they could advise wrt housing etc? Not sure how it works. Women's Aid should be helpful though.

Also, try your local children's centre for support. Mine were absolutely wonderful and continue to support me since I moved.

Finally wanted to add XP did the same as lilac's - said he wanted custody of DS, now does everything he can to get out of seeing him I think it's all talk, they say they want this or that so that when you refuse YOU look like the unreasonable one. But it's best for DS to stay with the person who has already done the majority of his care - and from your posts it sounds like that is you. The next few months are going to be stressful for all of you - your DS needs that security. Just be there for him, and he will be fine. Good luck!! Remember there is all the support of mumsnet here for you, day or night. And just keep focusing on your new life :)

Thank you all so much for your support - and sympathy. S is ill tonight so expecting (and yes, unfortunately, getting) sympathy. I've been to my friend's house this evening and told her all about it although we ran out of time before we could really sort it all through. It was just good to speak to someone about it in person. Unfortunately though she is cabin crew (we both work at Gatwick) and tomorrow is her first day back flying after maternity leave, so we'll not be able to catch up properly again for another couple of weeks. Thank goodness you guys are here and so supportive . Thanks again - it really is good to get others' perspectives on things. Just off to bed now - got to be up early for the nursery run. TTFN. xx

I saw your thread last week, haven't had the time to give you the attention you deserve!
I could have written your words and I am so envious that you have told him.
I could have written every word you have written, so similar.
H is officially on his last chance, but I know it's just a matter of time. but I find it so scary when he starts to talk about custody, in a very similar vein to your H.

Stay strong, you can do it, just take heart from the many people on here who have left and are so much happier.
you know you will be happier, and that's all that matters. staying together for the sake of the baby, will only mean the baby is brought up in an unhappy house.
your baby will see his daddy and it will be ok.
keep posting

Hi again - Thank you again for all your supportive messages, its really helped keep me going these last few days.

I have been deleting the browsing history each time I shut down as we do both share this laptop, and I don't type the web address into the browser bar I go through Yahoo so its not listed. Still a right pain to do that everytime thoguh! BertieBotts - How do you do this private browsing thing you mentioned??

Well, I've been on to the Tax Credit line again to see what help I can get and they were very helpful. Only problem is I will be ok from now until April next year, as they work it out using what you earnt last year, and as I was on maternity leave for 52 weeks I only earnt half as much as I would in a normal year. I will be entitled to a very reasonable amount (which they will backdate to Friday last week which was when we officially split up/I told him I wanted us to split) from last Friday until April 2011. However, from April I guess what I will be entitled to will go down a hell of a lot because I will have been earning full time money again for the past year, so now I'm worried about how I will afford to live from then as I will still have to be paying childcare (£850 per month!) if I'm still haveing to work full time (40 hrs p/wk). So for this coming 7 months to April 2011 things will be fine but after that? God! What do I do? Help! Wobbling now! When I found out what they would give me I initially felt a huge sigh of relief, now I'm really panicking as to next year! and

I also meant to say maybe it really would make more sense for me to look into reducing my hours from April next year - seems like it makes more financial sense than still trying to work full time - I guess I could try to find a job working 2 days per week or something. Not sure. It would be lovely lovely lovely to have all that time back to spend with my little man. He really is sooo gorgeous I just want to eat him!

It should be in the Tools menu. You need at least Firefox 3.5 or at least Internet Explorer 8. If you're not sure what version you are using, click on "Help/About". It will still be in the history if you go through yahoo so this should make things both easier, and safer for you.

You will get help with childcare through tax credits. I'm not sure how it works if your income is different to the previous year, if it's dramatically less (and it will be as you will be on a single rather than joint claim) I think that they will do an emergency recalculation.

Bear in mind you will also be able to claim child benefit and council tax benefit, and housing benefit if you are in rented accommodation. (I think you can also claim HB to pay the interest only on your mortgage)

They are always saying that as a single parent you are better off if you work, so hopefully it should work out for you. It would be ridiculous if you had to stop work just to live! Could you go down to the jobcentre and ask them for advice as well? Also, did you try the entitledto.com website? Just put your details in as they will be in April. It might not be accurate, but should give you an idea.

Either way, when you are in the situation, you will manage. You will find a way to cope. These things always seem worse in planning than they tend to turn out. Remember you will get some free nursery sessions the first term after your DS turns 3. (Sept 2012?) They may even reduce the minimum age by then, if they are trying to encourage parents back to work. If you're going to get a reasonable amount for the next 7 months, can you reduce any of your outgoings now and put the difference away to help tide you over later?

I would not have stayed with XP in the end if you'd given me a million pounds. I think it comes down to more than money in the end. Honestly, the difficulty will be short term, it will be better once he is at school, and toddlers don't want that much in terms of expensive clothes, trainers, toys etc anyway. They're happy with a cardboard box and a balloon!

Imregular sorry I have only just seen your question. I had a long running support thread on here at the time where people pointed out the truth of my sitution to me and helped me along (my talk name was aboardtheaxiom back then), I read Lundy Bancroft, I spoke to women's aid (woman in local refuge was great, it hit me fully how abusive he was only when she offered me and DS a place in the refuge the very same day - her professional concern meant I could no longer live on autopilot and my situation fully sunk in) - I did all this in secret without letting on to my then partner.

silveryfox I know it's hard not to worry about finances but the bottom line is you will manage, I am on income support and carer's alllowance at the moment and am better off than I was before I left - in more ways than financial.

Cross the bridge of finances in the following year nearer to the time - it's too verwhelming to think of everything at once. Keep talking to your RL friend and posting on here, and deleting your browsing history.

Call your local women's aid if you can.

Can I also advise you write a list of everything you are unhappy with in the relationship and how it makes you feel. Not for anyone else but just for you. I still look at my list a year after writing it, it's very affirming to see that I deserve better, that I was rational in wanting to leave, and that it was best for my son as well as me.

silvery fox cant add any practical advice as i am in very similar situation, but just to say i am thinking of you, try to stay strong, there is some excellent and reassuring advice on here, also try to take it easy if you can, ( i know easier said than done) i had the same surgery several years ago and it knocked me off my feet for several weeks, i do agree with other posters all this talk of him giving up work to be a full time dad on benefits,(when he obviously cant handle money that well) is just that TALK nothing more, i think they all try that one to scare us, if they spent that much time with their kids and were involved in their lives to that extent playing the commited family man, we probably wouldnt be on here asking for advice.

susiedaisy - heh, I just had to snurk at that last sentence. You're just sooo right! Aaaaanyway.... I'm really going to be looking here for support in the coming weeks so thank goodness for MN! Thanks everyone. x