everything is falling apart, and i can;t make it ok again

[AisieSusie]

I don't really know the point of posting this, but I guess I just wanted to share with someone what's happening to me, as there isn't anyone in rl who is there to notice. i don't entirely know if i want to make it real by writing it down, but maybe it will help.

I've got so good at pretending everything is fine, and putting a positive spin on things, and not being real, that I am living such a lie I don;t even know what's reality anymore.

I feel ashamed to have f*cked up my life so badly, and for there to be so much to whine about. I could write a 'poor me' thread on any number of topics in my life, and am worried that writing about all of it will seem, I don't know what it will seem - unrealistic, stupid, pathetic, boring whingey cow, one of those i guess.

I skate around the truth of my life, so I fit in with other people, but i don't have any good friends, as no one would want to know the real me, its too chaotic and stupid and changeable. I am adept at putting on a show, but i think its going to collapse now, and i've loved pretending to be ok for this last few months, i really have.

So i;ve been pretending to be one of those nct couples, blissfully happy, lovely family, lovely friends, lovely life, lovely husband, lovely job, lovely happy, healthy and building towards a great future - upper middle class heaven in fact. I;ve enjoyed making friends, but its coming to an end i guess... & lovely people dont want to know people like me. so although its really the least of my problems, its going to hurt to lose these people as friends.

so here's my reality if anyone wants to read it:

CURRENTLY

• i am on maternity leave and have a beautiful ds just coming up to 6 months - this has been the best time of my entire life, although i've hardly slept a wink.

I love him so much, and he is just everything to me, although I have no idea how I am going to look after him once I go back to work.

Cannot afford childcare. - more on this later

HUSBAND

• married to dh for 6 years. he is from a war torn country and is totally psychologically screwed up. I didn;t know how much when i married him. I have sacrificed everything to try and help him, but he remains the same.

When we married we got into a crazy visa situation where it wasn't possible to get a spousal visa cos of a loophole [v complicated to get into]. I fought a hard legal case for 3 years to get him a discretionary leave to remain for 3 years on article 8 of the european court of human rights, thats now up and have just tried to get indefinate leave to remain, but they've given him a renewed discretionary instead.

He can;t renew his passport and therefore cannot travel. He has never had a job, fleed his country before finishing his degree, feels trapped and powerless.

I have supported him through thick and thin, from one crisis to another, his relatives being killed, his mother died and he couldn't go home, we swing from one tragedy to the next in some kind of hellish unstable nightmare. I sacrificed too much in retrospect.

He has been hell to live with, but i'd do anything for him cos i had faith that he'd get it together and we could finally start living. its difficult to say hes being horrible as he has so many excuses, however, he is nasty to me alot of the time, and am always trying to make things better.

he left me when i found out i was pregnant, but came back sort of, physically if not mentally. we had been getting closer again, & he did say he loved me again, but still he wasnt working / helping/ supporting/ being that nice.

He has said he'll look after ds at least until christmas, but am scared that he wont, especially now.

FAMILY

• toxic mother and complicit father, still wading through the mess of my upbringing, not abusive like others I've read on here, but awful and left me not really knowing who i am, or with much sense of self.

Have many obligations to them, and no support coming from them. I support them a bit financially, even on maternity leave with no income. they are always on the point of financial ruin, & live isolated in a tiny village. i dread to think what happens next as they get older.

• my sister died horribly 2 and a half years ago. she was the most good kind person I've ever met, and she was 2 years older than me and I never knew life without her. She remembered everything, and was so much more than a sister, she was the best part of me. I am adrift and not whole now she is gone. i didnt get to say goodbye & we'd had an argument the last time i saw her.

MONEY

• i am in debt, massively. I have two years more of payments on loans which take just under £1000 a month, and loads more years on smaller amounts, and huge credit cards bills as well.

I can only just keep head above water. debts are from solicitors bills, & stupid living, assuming dh would start to earn any minute now. i dont have a house or anything to show for the money i earn.

WORK

• I was just made director in a marketing company before i went on maternity leave. They are not a very nice company, or at least they may be nice, but not to me. I don't fit in there, and there is lots of nasty stuff they do thats under the surface and not easy to react to/ prove.

I was going to leave then found out I was pregnant. Its expected that everyone does a huge amount of international travel. I worked 60-80 hrs a week, right up to thirty nine weeks pregnant. Don't know how I can do this going back, and know they're likely to be watching me like a hawk. I need the money to pay debts. i think i had a verbal warning before i left, or not actually, but something they could call one if they wanted to get rid of me.

AND SOME MORE...
so all of that i could cope with, which does seem alot now i write it down. but thats not enough apparently life just gets worse.

i am not well - i had spd when pregnant, was on crutches & really struggling & its got worse not better. i can barely walk, by the time i get out of bed i am in agony. everything hurts. i have no idea how i can work. my gp was useless, refused to refer me, refused to give any help or pain relief. long saga on that but wont go into it all. every day is an agonsing struggle to exist.

and the final blow... dh has left me.

he went on sunday & came back tonight to ask for a divorce. i guess i am really not worth doing anything for, nor is my son [i mean like getting a job, helping pay back debts, or just being nice even]if we split up he has no right to stay in the uk, but no way of getting back to his home country [not even deportation as uk cant deport there].

SO HERE I AM, 34, grossly fat, ill, on the brink of ruin, no one to turn to & no way of making anything right. i am alone & worthless. i have managed to make my ds also alone & am terrified i will screw him up. i have too many people to support & i cant do it anymore.

all i want to do is to fall to the floor crying, & have someone who loves me wipe my tears away. but i cant, there is no one. and i have to pick myself up & carry on pretending, & am not sure i can. i am really not sure i can & i am so very scared.

sorry to make you read all that. i was just getting into mumsnet. should i name change now?

No don't name change
So sorry you are dealing with all this. You certainly don't sound worthless you sound lovely but at the end of your tether
I think you need to concentrate on you and ds for now, let dh look after himself
I'd want to know you, does that make me unlovely? am not big on facades, tis true

It's a lot to have on one's plate.

Husband- it seems like it hasn't been great between you two anyway and that he has not been a great partner or father, in fact he made you feel unloved and miserable. It's tough facing the fact that you will be alone, but you know what, it seems like you were alone with him there, so in fact you might find your life will get better without him.

Job- can you manage to stay there for a few months, while at the same time looking for another post?

SPD- find another GP, it's ridiculous, you're in pain and need that looked at and treated pronto.

Family- not sure you should be helping them out, tbh. So sorry for your sister. Perhaps counselling would be good to help you with bereavement and also with figuring out how much do you actually owe to your toxic parents?

And finally, you have a lovely baby and it will be yours and make your life better. I suspect you have lots and lots of strength, you just had so much to deal with.

Dear AisieSusie

Please take a breath. Your life seems to be spiraling away from you but you are not alone. You have a lovely DS who would hold you forever if he could. He loves you more than anything or anyone and he needs you.

From your post I think that it is always darkest before the dawn and although that is a cliche, things will get better. If DH has left and wants a divorce, you will not have to worry about his visa, his mental health, his lack of job and you will feel a weight lift from your shoulders.

Call your health visitor round to the house and get signed off work with your SPD. The you do not need childcare and do not need to worry about work - at least not yet.

Tell your parents you have no money to help them at the mo, do you have any siblings who can help?

Sorry, thoughtless question about siblings - have you tried grief counselling? It sounds like you have not had space to mourn the loss of your sister.

I agree with Shine - best thing he's going off.
He won't be using yo uany more.

You sound like a fighter and survivor - look how much you've achieved so far.
Lots of your energy was wasted on your ex and now as he's gone you can ust it on rebuilding your live.

Do you own the house or rent?

Do you live in a small or a big city?
Can you go out to meet other mums?

No name change necessary. You realise that the "Ideal You" and the "Real You" have become so incompatible that you cannot both exist. Congratulations. Most people don't get to that knowledge in a lifetime.

You are on a treshold. You are about to start a new life as a parent, with a new family; you and your child.

Now you feel the worst has happened and I that maybe it has. What you are left with is your amazing intellect, work ethic, amazing body (that has given life and continues to work, picking up stuff and walking). You have endured pain and now you know that you can. Do all you can to get respite and rest up. You now have the opportunity to completely change your life and make it the best it can be for you and your DC.

You have friends here who will look after you, even if we are not physically there to hug you on your floor. We are with you, because we like you and admire you.

You are important.

Oh Susie. Your post made me feel so sad. Throw yourself on the floor and cry - there is nothing wrong with that. Then tomorrow get to the citizen's advice bueau for guidance on divorce, benefits, employment law, debt, housing support, childcare.

Your p[arents - you know you need to put you and ds first. No more money to them and reduce contact if they are toxic

Your dh - sounds like a piece of work. Yes he's had terrible trauma, but you have also had terrible loss, and he has inflicted further pain on you at your most vulnerable (pregnant).

Your debts - yu need support to get these under some kind of control

Money - you need to find out about benefits and suopport, you're a single parent now. You might be eligible for council housing, not sure how it works - cab should be able to help. When working you should get tax credits. There is some support dvd from benefits people aboiut managing your money. also consider ebay/car boot to liquidate things you don't need

NCT lot - if they eash their hands of you because you 'perfect' life isn'yt truie, then they were never friends at all. btw, NO ONE has a piucture perfect life. In fact, those who appear to I am most suspicious of. Try trusting your friends. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. and nothing lost if they don't want to help you

Childcare, the council website should give you a list of childminders. also consider a live in au pair if you have the room- that's cheaper

divorce - ask cab about lawyer free half hour

work - ditto about your rights. NB they need to follow a published discipline process or it is

Your ds - hug him and tell him you love him. He is your most positive thing!!

Most of asll, big hugs. good for you putting it into words. Now you need to break it into manageable chunks and deal with each.

x

so sorri about your sister, that msut be a big loss. as others said, bereavement counselling might help...

the husband - well cliche but best get on without him, focus on you and ds.
you could take on his issues before but now you have ds to think of...so they are his issues to resolve not yours, not any more

job/childcare - yes is expensive in london, but there are community nurseries etc to look into?

parents - again - leave them out of it for now...

spd - see a different GP, asl fpr referral to the NHS counselling service too, talk to your HV.... were you supposed to go back to work now? get signed off...

go back to your list - the bits you can do something, about, those you cannot, prioritise...

Agree with the 'darkest before dawn comment'.

Well done for writing that down...as you build your strength, you can use your post as a 'things to do' list.

My initial thoughts:

Money
You need to get professional advice on the money situation. If you have no childcare, you can't work...you'll get help and support. You need to go to the CAB. I think they'll help you with managing the debt too.

Husband
You're well shot of him. I know I should put that more delicately, but I think you know it anyway. Once you're over the rejection, you'll feel very free...trust me on this.
(It also strikes me that now that he's left you, he's no longer a problem. Copy and paste your OP into word, and delete that paragraph....doesn't it seem lighter already?)

Family
Have you had counselling to address the toxic childhood issues? I think you should. Put your family second for a while.

Work
Get out. Look into benefits if necessary. But you need to leave that job.

Health
Can you see a different GP? Is your health visitor any help? You need to look after yourself, and you need support to do this.

Finally, give yourself a break. You have not fucked up your life, you have had some shit thrown at you, that's all. Don't be ashamed. Yes, you have to pick yourself up, but it's not about pretending.

Keep on keeping on. That's all you can do really. You will get through this.

Please go to CAB and find out about benefits and debt counselling. Take their advice- If you dont own house and have massive debts that will take many years to pay off they may advise bankruptcy- they are the experts-listen to them

Also you need to decide what you want. Do you want to return to that job? Another job?
If DP wants another chance do you want to? Once you know what you truely want not matter how unachievable it may seem then you can work towards those goals.

From everything you've said it sounds like H leaving is a good thing. It might not feel like it now, but that's a huge responsibility you no longer have.

You should stop supporting your parents. DH and I helped his and it's the worst decision we've ever made - it was a complete disaster and we will never do that again.

Speak to someone about your debt. The national debt helpline are good and you don't have to give your name. There are plenty of options with everything from reduced payment plans to bankruptcy. Don't call the people that advertise on the TV. Speak to people that will help you for free.

Can you delay going back to work until you've sorted out your health problems? This would also delay the childcare problem.

Do you have any RL friends you can talk to about this?

Jakers.
First I would address the health issue. Any half decent GP will surely put immediate plans in place to help your stress, anxiety and possible depression or other problems. Presumably this will buy you some time away from the job.

I'm having a crap time too this year but one thing I am happy about is Exp leaving. It's like a cloud lifting. Maybe you'd feel that way too.

Keep posting, it'll help.

OP, so sorry you are going through this but just posting on here will make you feel stronger and help you get through when times are bad. I know it helped me a lot.

You may not feel this way now but I think it is better that your husband has left as he seems to have taken so much of your emotional energy. Dont feel responsible to him. He has betrayed you, and you are better off without him to concentrate on yourself and your baby.

Can you change your GP? And then look into getting antidepressants and counselling? This will help to give you a boost so that you can deal with the every day part of life.

Also have a chat with your HV. Maybe there is help that you can get to help you cope with DS and to get a break.

Maybe go to CAB to see if you can sort out some sort of debt management plan.

As for work, is there any way that you can can apply for a similar job on a part time basis?

As for friends, go to as many mother & toddler groups as you can. You are bound to meet people you make friends with. Another thing that helped me was joining a PND group. I made lifelong friends there! We all had to talk about our various problems, cried in front of each other etc so the bond between us is very strong.

Not sure if any of this is helpful but just want you to know you are not alone. Slowly things will get better for you and for now just enjoy your DS.

Keep strong

thanks. you are all very nice reading all that then posting so late. made me cry again. will read them again when i feel up to practical stuff.

i hadn't thought of dh's problems not being mine anymore. I guess am used to them being my problems. I think to some extent they still are. not sure becoming stateless is a good thing for the father of my baby. and how would i explain that to him when he's older? daddy got put in a detention centre for years with no hope of getting any nationality because mummy couldn't keep it together long enough...

i can see the freedom element... i feel numb and weird and distraught and terrible and like my worlds caved in though... but also free... but not good free, free like i've just jumped off a cliff and i am falling out of control before i hit the rocks below... i don't think thats the kind of free you mean.

will make appointment at gps tomorrow. not sure what to say though, am crap at telling anyone my problems and thats probably why the last gp was so awful about the spd.

If i get signed off sick at the end of my maternity leave do they have to start paying me again, or not?

I don't know enough about debt and stuff, but i think its difficult cos I actually earn quite alot, but its after debts and rent i only have a tiny bit to live on, and not the huge amount childcare would take. As i earn too much I wouldn't get any benefits/childcare etc. If i declare myself bankrupt i can't work as a director anymore i think someone told me, which would make me unemployable in my profession.

What happens with reduced payment plans? does that effect your credit rating and stuff I guess? was trying to just struggle on so i could get free of debts then start saving for a house/ matchbox, but i guess thats not practical anymore.

Am scared of money, there were always horrible money problems when i grew up & i've not done terribly well at shaking myself free of that feeing i guess.

au pair good idea, but can;t afford a two bedroom flat. i guess i could if i moved alot further out, but then i wouldn;t be able to get into work for health/ childcare reasons.

what a mess. everything is a mess. i am a mess.

i wish i could join all the groups suggested, but i have to go back to work full time to pay for anything... i would love not to have to, leaving my baby will be awful, not even sure if i can do it, except i have to

Aisie, please dont blame yourself for your DHs situation. You are not responsible for him. He is a grown man and he chose to walk out on you. You have probably given him more support than he deserved and what happens now to him is his problem.

You need to concentrate on yourself now. You are not a mess. As someone pointed out, look how much you have achieved in your life!

I agree money problems are scary, but they can also be resolved. Once you get some advice on how to sort your debts you will start to feel a lot better and things will seem clearer.

Try not to let everything overwhelm you.

Good luck

I think (but ask the cab) that if your name was in references to obtain ex's visa and he is not with you any more at some point you should inform the Home Office that the situation changed

Oh, Aisie, I'm so sorry it's all so hard. And I'm sorry for the loss of your dear sister.

It sort of seems as if everything at once is converging to force a massive lifestyle change. Your husband's left, so you don't need to fund his legal bills and support him anymore. You hate your job and can't go back to it. You have debts you can't clear but to go bankrupt would mean not being able to work in your job - which you hate and can't go back to anyway. You rent, so no house to lose. You don't want to leave your son in childcare and can't afford to anyway, if you go back to work which you hate. It's a domino effect thing, isn't it - each of the blocks makes the next harder, but if you 'give in' in one regard, the rest come tumbling down as well.

I would never normally say this, but this sounds like a watershed moment to me. Shrug off the burden for a bit. Quit the job, find somewhere cheaper to rent, declare bankruptcy, apply for benefits and enjoy your son. You'll pick yourself up, someone with your energy and drive isn't going to loll around watching Jeremy Kyle forever. You just need breathing space, I think.

Sorry to be a worrywart, but I always feel the need to jump on these threads and advise getting a passport for your DC and keeping it out of your exs reach.

"i hadn't thought of dh's problems not being mine anymore. I guess am used to them being my problems. I think to some extent they still are. not sure becoming stateless is a good thing for the father of my baby. and how would i explain that to him when he's older? daddy got put in a detention centre for years with no hope of getting any nationality because mummy couldn't keep it together long enough... "

You are blaming yourself and taking responsibility again. It was your husbands choice to leave. That is wonderful! You really needed to kick him out, but he has choosen to leave, and I am positive he is fully aware of the consequences. It really isn't your problem. He is an adult, and has made an adult choice, you need to let him do this as an adult (you are not his parent).

As for the GP, is there another GP at your practise you can see? OR can you phone the health visitor first? Say a friend thinks you are depressed. For the GP why not just take in your first post (and a box of tissues) and refuse to leave, cry until he does something.

You have reasons to feel awful (not your fault) but that doesn't mean you are not depressed. In your situation most people would be depressed, those who escape have strong families to support them.

You need to start acting like an adult for the sake of your son. You cannot give money to your parents. You do not have it. The state will provide, just let it.

As for NCT mums with perfect lives, you just wait over the next few years. Some will have health crisis in their families, lots will have SN and SEN children, there will be affairs, DV and things you don't know about (such as violent teenagers).

My own family has : SEN children, a couple of nasty health scares, and redundancy (oh and a habit of pets or relatives dying when we are on holiday).

Good luck, you can get through.

Susie,

You have so much to deal with, but you can do it. I am so sorry for the loss of your sister.

Probably don't have much to add to the good advice you have been given. But, try to stop feeling responsible for everyone else (I know it feels hard). Concentrate on you, your little one and your career - everyone else is reponsible for themselves.

Talk to you GP to see if you can get counselling through them - you shouldn't have to pay for referred counselling, I believe.

As people have said Debt support groups.

You may not feel like you love your job/company, but you have achieved so much by 34. You have been made director - celebrate your achievements. Returning after maternity leave is often not as traumatic as feared (particularly when it is helping you recover financially.) You don't need to stay there forever, and your CV will be brilliant when you decided to try another organisation.

I know it feels terribly hard at the moment, but you are much closer to a much better life than it feels at the moment. Your DH has done you a favour. He is an adult and is responsible for himself.

I would give going back to work a second thought.
Even if it's for a short time it will help you to take your mind off your other worries, being amongst people's allways good for the soul.
Have look around to find out about nurseries and a childminder, the more you know the easier's going to be to make an informed choice.

Stop supporting financially your parents - the's not going to help you and often handouts like that make people to excuse themselves from taking responsibilities.

Share your worries with one or two friends, even talking aobut it is going to help to clear your mind.

tbh I have lots of time on my hands and if I knew someone like you needs a helping hand I would come and support - I am sure there are others in the same situation, so give them a chance to help you :)

I really feel for you. I'm a (newly redundant - thanks Ken Clarke) asylum and immigration lawyer, so I can give you some brief information (not advice) about your DH's situation.

Firstly, three years discretionary leave followed by a further three years discretionary leave is standard practice. Indefinite leave to remain (ILR) can only be applied for once the applicant has been legally resident in the UK for a mininum of five years. Temporary admission, like that granted to people seeking asylum, is not included in that five years. So, your DH not getting ILR was not your fault.

Also, your DH's status in the UK is not dependent on being married to you, current caselaw has determined that biological links are as strong - and arguably stronger - than marriage.

Detention is not necessarily the end result for your DH, especially as he can show that he has at least some kind of family life with your DC.

Finally, there is a big difference between being stateless and not being able to be returned to your country of origin. Do I take it that your DH is from Eritrea, Zimbabwe or Sudan? Possibly Kosovo. If he can show that his embassy will not renew his passport, then he can apply to the Home Office for a travel document which will act instead of a passport.

I realise this is not the biggest problem you have right now, but just hoping this might put things into perspective for you and show you that his problems are not necessarily your problems/fault.

Big hugs.

PS I think it's mentioned somewhere that you are in London - but couldn't see where you'd posted that.