Just found out DH is hiv positive... I am 30 weeks pregnant, a mess and need a holding hand.

[verybadnews]

Obviously I have name changed for this thread purpose.

DH is my husband of 4 years. We have one child together and expecting another one. He has been admitted to a hospital for not feeling well and yesterday, we were told, he has HIV. Nobody can tell for how long he has it. Could be many years, could be few months. Obviously I was in shock and completely devastated, and I am now, but thinking that he is coming from an African background (move from highly infected African country 6 years ago) is not that uncommon? Stupid me, I never requested to for him to get tested before falling in love? I knew almost nothing about hiv?

I was immediately tested myself, I came out negative (as I came out negative during routine pregnancy tests before, so never had any worry) but need to be retested for the next 2 months or so. I am scared to death, I am going to be retested every week now because I am pregnant (in case the baby needs protection), I can?t tell to anyone even a close friend, I am terrified.

When I heard the news yesterday I started crying and just walked out of the hospital, and haven?t texted or called since. DH is keeping quite. I know he is devastated too, maybe even more than me. I was trying to think if I can fault him in cheating during our relationship, no there is nothing there. I have trust in him that he has not cheated. Still, I am so scared. What I am going to do? In the best scenario, if I and children come out negative, what I am supposed to do? I feel so sorry for him, he must be so lonely in a hospital, and it is probably a victim of hiv from long time ago, but I honestly don?t know what to do. I need support as pregnant, he needs support as infected, we both silently shocked, probably we don?t need any life-changing decisions now, but I am going insane what will happen to my, childrens and our future?

Sorry this is a sad thread?

Thanks, VBN - I'll have a look for it

Very sorry to hear this VBN, Please don't think decent people don't get HIV. It can happen to anyone. And Please don't feel you can't tell anyone in your social circle ....I don't know anyone with HIV .. but I can assure you that if any of my friends or family came to me after such a diagnosis I would think of them in exactly the same way I always have. There would be no feelings of judging them although I would obvoiusly be sad for them having to deal with such a diagnosis, but in the same way I would for any other big illness.It would make no difference to my relationship with them.

Hi VBN, it must all be a bit of a shock and I'm sorry for that. My DH is also HIV+ - infected by a blood transfusion at the age of 8. He is now mid-thirties, in very good health, working full time in a demanding job and has a very high CD4 count as he has responded well to medication. He's also on pretty much the same combination he started on 11 years ago with no sign of it stopping working so all good news.

We've now been together for 13 years with a normal sex life and have 2 young DC conceived through sperm-washing. I and the DC are negative. It must be more worrying while you're pregnant but it is actually quite hard to transmit HIV. I currently get tested every year just to make sure I haven't been infected and that is reasonably straight forward.

It is also worth bearing in mind now that it is unlikely to be passed on if you use condoms carefully, but that even if you do have an accident with a condom, you can now have a short burst of treatment with retrovirals which drastically reduce your risk of infection.

Many people know about my DH's infection. My family, his family, close friends and his employers all know and are all supportive.

Finally, I understand you're upset but please don't perpetuate the stigma by talking about 'decent people'. The virus doesn't distinguish and anyone who is infected is equally unfortunate.

You must have such a wide range of emotions. Concern for your DH, concern for your baby and your child. As others have said, he may not have been aware that he has it, so he is also a victim of this disease.

Hopefully things are changing as far as HIV and not as much of a stigma.

My (great) uncle has HIV and remember my grandmother being asked what was wrong with him. She said, 'he has HIV...' The person asked, 'oh, how did he get it? Blood transfusion?'

And she said, 'it does matter. He has it. He takes medication. he deals with it...'

I clapped. Loudly

Again, thanks guys. My DH's CD4 count is 75.. so he is starting from a very low point.. The doctor mentioned that he must have had hiv for a long time. I am sure my older child and my baby will be fine, because I have tested negative so far and the baby can be protected.. I am selfishly concerned about myself, because I could have cought hiv the last moment before finding out about it...maybe infection probability from vaginal intercourse is not that high, but it does happen... I don't want to be that unfortunate that got infected during last 5 times from the past 4 years :( everything's in God's hands, I guess....

If I continue test negative and DH recovers from this low point, I almost believe we can continue an almost normal life.. he is still the same person that I chose to be my husband.. the same good eyes and the same good heart....

Thank you for your all support.

She needs to be tested because HIV can take 3 months to show up. So you can test and if you have unprotected sex within the next 3 months you need to be tested again.

Changingnameforpersonalstuff..you are right, HIV does not discriminate. My dh is +ve too. But I do not tell many people because the immediate reaction is 'how did he get it' or what they really want to know is did he do something he shouldn't be doing.' I too have one dh conceived via sperm-washing - I haven't met anyone else who's been through this...so I'm glad to hear your story.

My grandmother said: "it does not matter" in reference to how her brother got HIV...'

I know I'm coming to this late, but I just wanted to add another positive story with regard to your concerns about stigma.

A friend told me and a few (very conservative, sheltered, traditional) friends last year that she was HIV+. Nobody has been anything but entirely supportive of her.

Obviously, we have a different circle of friends possible from a very different section of society. But I really believe that, in 2010, you have nothing to fear from asking for the support of your most loyal and trusted friends...

What a total shock for you all. I read something a couple of months ago about most new cases of HIV being transmitted within a month of infection - they wanted everyone in ?Uganda? (a country in that sort of area) to agree to use condoms for a month and said it would cut new cases by really a lot.
It was just when you said about it being quite hard to transmit, I think that's true except when the person's recently been infected. If your dh has had it for a long time and you're testing negative then fingers crossed for you all.

Reported.

Just wanted to mention about the stigma. Unfortunately it is a very secret disease, nobody wants to let anyone know that they have it, so we all think that only other people get this illness. Many, many years ago, my very suburban, middle-aged cousin and his wife died of AIDS and I only found out that it wasn't cancer ten years later. The truck-driver cousin of another friend also got HIV and it was kept top secret. It is a lot to ask of individuals, but if there wasn't so much secrecy about this illness, the stigma would also disappear.

I hope your husband responds to treatment. It does sound like he got infected long before he met you and by the grace of god you have not been infected.

zombie thread bumped by a spammer

I have 3 friends who are HIV+ and they are all expected to live long lives. These days it is not a terminal illness, just a lifelong condition that needs to be managed. The drugs are excellent and there is lots of support out there.
From a social stigma point of view, it really isn't a big deal. One friend announced he had it on Facebook as he didn't want to hide away and the support was overwhelming.
It can lie dormant for years and years.

I wish the OP had updated, I know this was a zombie thread but I am now quite concerned for how everything turned out.

Ok ICanHearYou, zombie thread but here is the update.

I continue to be negative. DC are much older now and healthy (negative as well). Husband is on antiretroviral medicine, doing quite well, some very minor health issues. He is in a demanding job as well.

Unfortunately we just split up almost 6 years after his diagnosis. He has cheated (I don't know how much or how little) and showed no remorse and no interest in saving the marriage. I sometimes wonder if his condition had any affect on how he viewed the marriage (was cheating his ego booster? but it does not matter now...).

Otherwise, HIV has had (almost) no impact to our relationship. We could have emerged stronger had he valued the family more. I have kept it secret apart from 1 very close friend. I was very worried at the time but really with today's medicine it is manageable and does not need to be demonized or stigmatized.

So sorry to hear that he wasn't willing to be as faithful to you as you so obviously was to him. I'm so glad that you are all negative. Did he contract it by cheating?

I don't know that Specky. My guess is that he contracted before meeting me (l hope).

I don't know that Specky. My guess is that he contracted before meeting me (l hope).

I didn't see this before I don't think, but just wanted to give you a massive hug. You've been through so much.

I'm so sorry that he let you down in the end. I wish you all the happiness in the world, you've bloody earned it!

Thank you for the update. Glad to hear that you and the children are well. Sorry about your relationship though.

Thankyou for updating, sorry to hear he cheated, but so glad that you and your dc's are clear of infection