Just found out DH is hiv positive... I am 30 weeks pregnant, a mess and need a holding hand.

[verybadnews]

Obviously I have name changed for this thread purpose.

DH is my husband of 4 years. We have one child together and expecting another one. He has been admitted to a hospital for not feeling well and yesterday, we were told, he has HIV. Nobody can tell for how long he has it. Could be many years, could be few months. Obviously I was in shock and completely devastated, and I am now, but thinking that he is coming from an African background (move from highly infected African country 6 years ago) is not that uncommon? Stupid me, I never requested to for him to get tested before falling in love? I knew almost nothing about hiv?

I was immediately tested myself, I came out negative (as I came out negative during routine pregnancy tests before, so never had any worry) but need to be retested for the next 2 months or so. I am scared to death, I am going to be retested every week now because I am pregnant (in case the baby needs protection), I can?t tell to anyone even a close friend, I am terrified.

When I heard the news yesterday I started crying and just walked out of the hospital, and haven?t texted or called since. DH is keeping quite. I know he is devastated too, maybe even more than me. I was trying to think if I can fault him in cheating during our relationship, no there is nothing there. I have trust in him that he has not cheated. Still, I am so scared. What I am going to do? In the best scenario, if I and children come out negative, what I am supposed to do? I feel so sorry for him, he must be so lonely in a hospital, and it is probably a victim of hiv from long time ago, but I honestly don?t know what to do. I need support as pregnant, he needs support as infected, we both silently shocked, probably we don?t need any life-changing decisions now, but I am going insane what will happen to my, childrens and our future?

Sorry this is a sad thread?

i am very sorry for your news but really do not be ashamed, if a friend or even acquaintance told me they were in your situation i'd think no worse of them than if he had cancer.

honestly. there really is no stigma among people who are educated to the facts.

I'm so sorry for your new VBN, it must be a very unsettling time for you. I am afraid I have no practical advice and I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel right now. That said, is there at least one friend in the real world you could confide in? It must be a terrible scary thought right now to say outloud what has happened, but just someone trustworthy who you could sound off to may well be of great help to you.

Will be thinking of you and your family. x

SOrry to hear this but, as others have said, people can live long and pretty healthy lives with HIV these days, as long as they are in a developed country with access to proper medication.
Please don't start worrying about your poor husband's fidelity - HIV can lurk for years in the body, and it is not, actually, that transmissible during sex unless you are a) not using a condom and b) go at it a bit vigorously. So he could have had it for years and not given it to you.
Ther are support groups out there, finding one will help you a lot. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of, this is shit bad luck for him and all of you but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

The Terrence Higgins Trust has a lot of information re treatment etc]]. I'm very sorry - but you have to see it as a manageable disease, like diabetes, rather than the life-threatening nightmare it used to be. I have no doubt you'll get through this.

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. With good medical management your husband should however be around for a long time yet, depending on the extent of his existing symptoms.

There is some limited evidence that some people do not contract HIV despite continuous exposure to the virus but it's not known why yet. Hopefully you have been lucky.

He's still your husband, he's just sick. If it was malaria or hepatitis you'd have no problem supporting him. From what you say, where he's been living it's endemic. Don't feel ashamed. It is what it is. Be brave, you will all get through this.

Good luck. And take it easy yourself, you have at least three people depending on you, one of whom has yet to put in an appearance and would appreciate you taking a few deep breaths.

This must be a shock for you.

BUT - Even if you do have HIV, this does not mean that your baby will be HIV+. There is a good chance, if you have a section and formula feed that you can have a baby without HIV.

Your husbands diagnosis does not mean the same for your baby.

So sorry for your news, what a shock for you at this time.

Hopefully you can find some support groups. You and your husband are both going to need the support. It's going to be hard not to feel angry towards him. This isn't his fault, but it's not yours either. Try not to blame him right now, you're both going to need to support each other.

Other posters are right about you having to change your feelings about this too, but that will come with time.

Hopefully the hospital can put you in touch with some people who can advise you.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, especially when you must be so preoccupied with your pregnancy.

Thank you so much to everyone. I haven't found about the support group yet; it is all been too new to me. Actually the hospital offered me a councellor, although at the moment I don't feel like talking to anyone.. it is hard to keep inside, it is even harder to tell to someone.. I want to scream "I am a decent person! It is not my fault!" but stigma is still there, even if in my mind only... You are right, I have to try and think about DH, not about what other people would think... Gosh, I am not even telling them. I just feel so vulnerable at the moment, pregnant, full time working, taking care of a toddler, taking care of sick DH, my family is abroad, so no much help, and now this devastating news...

I have not had a chance to talk properly to my DH yet, he is in a ward with other men, a proper talk is impossible until he is out...
My life is now measured in weeks, until I finish testing... a couple of months to go.. a worry until I am due. Hard.

I was afraid to post this thread here, but I am glad that I did. One thing is to receive a support from specialised support groups, where everyone is in the same boat. Another thing is to know that the rest of people - like you - are the same supportive and not judgmental.

I am scared of the fact of hiv, but I also realise that it all depends how we learn to deal with it... this could make us closer or separate us... will see. I'll keep you posted.

Please go and look after your DH and let him do the same for you. You are both vulnerable - he has had a shocking disgnosis, you are heavily pregnant. If and only if you discover further down the line that he has cheated you can deal with it then.
And please get someone who knows what they're talking about to talk through the implications of this for you. AFAIK living with HIV now is very different to living with HIV even 10 years ago. They will also be able to help with advice on telling friends and family etc.
Does anyone else know at the moment? Is there any one who can support you while your DH is in hospital? Do you have any idea how long he will be in for?

Take your time VBN, it will take a while to process. Make sure you do talk to someone when you are ready, even if it is counsellor and not someone you know. Keeping it bottled up might be counter productive.

Keep posting here too when you need to. Take care

There is evidence that 1% of Northern Europeans and central asia may have a genetic resistance to Aids due to a gene mutation stemming from the middle ages linked to the great plague. However I am not sure if it makes infection less likely rather than impossible. The following link has some further information

www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article424915.ece

Sorry is 10%

Hello - fwiw I have 3 friends who are HIV+ and have been since the early 1990s, I have also worked with HIV+ children in school settings. They have to inject themselves with the drugs that stop them getting AIDs every day but apart from that they lead normal, healthy fulfilled lives. They are also extremely decent people. Good luck with everything OP, education will stop your fears.

Do accept the counselling, you need more information. I actually think if you could tell all us strangers who don't know the right questions to draw you out, then talking to someone trained will be easier.

Do get all the advice you need to make sure your baby is fine.

But things are much better now (in the west) than they were a few years ago.

I was going to post on this last night, but thought it best to wait til morning. (I know this is my first post, but I am most certainly not a troll)
I am HIV positive, and know all too well the initial shock of diagnosis. One thing I would add, is can I very gently ask the OP to be careful with the use of 'decent people'...as others have pointed out, this disease happens to a lot of 'decent people'
I would also second the THT website as the first port of call for information www.tht.org.uk/

Another website I've found extremely useful, for more detailed information is www.thebody.com/

I think others have answered a lot of the questions you've posed, but any more, feel free to ask :)

Sorry to hear kittycat78 that you are positive. Did it happen long time ago? How are you feeling now? Thank you for the links.

Dear verysad...

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My dh is also HIV+. He has had it for over 15 years and leads a happy, very healthy life. You are probably in shock right now but I'm here and I understand. You can CAT me if you need to talk.

I met dh just after his diagnosis. I struggled with this as at the time the future was pretty bleak.

But all that has changed now. Thank goodness you live in this country and have access to medication.

Yes, there is still a stigma attached to this illness. I have namechanged and I have never told my family nor any of my friends. It shouldn't be like that but sadly, it is.

Please stay strong and know that there are people out there that understand.

x

Thanks, VBN :) I found out some years ago - very soon after infection, only because I had quite a nasty seroconversion illness that required hospitilisation (both my DH and I are positive). Most people don't tend to find out so early. In the past 6 months I have started medication, and have to say, I feel absolutely wonderful (I think you tend to hear more on various forums about nasty side effects, as those who don't really have them are happily getting on with our lives - that said, the first 2 weeks were a trifle rough!)

I guess it probably took me a year or so to accept my diagnosis - I must confess I am still rather oversensitive with regard to the stigma! Because of this, only my immediate family and a couple of very close, trusted friends know. For positive people nowdays the outlook is excellent, as long as medication is adhered to, and we look after ourselves (jogging is my outlet!) x

I just learned that my DH?s immune system is extremely low, he is put on medication, ? also all that means he has been highly infectious and hence I have a realistic risk to be infected, too :( obviously we had unprotected intercourse until he felt unwell.. again I am terrified? just coming to terms with the fact that he was diagnosed? now that he was very ill? and that I have very small chance to escape uninfected.. :( omg :(

I'm so sorry to hear that, VBN. Are they able to do the early detection test for you? (PCR test - they had to do this for me to detect the HIV initially - before the antibodies showed up in my blood)

Two things - one, it's very difficult for a HIV+ man to infect a woman through vaginal intercourse. Second, with regards to your DH's low count - antiretrovirals are truly miracle drugs. There are a huge wealth of cases of people with extremely low CD4 counts (e.g. around 10 or even less!) being brought back to health.

Have you spoken to anyone regarding counselling yet? I found the counsellor at the hospital absolutely fantastic, much needed help and support when newly diagnosed.
x

kittycat78, can I CAT you for more information?

Sure thing I'm new to MN though - how does that work?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your DH must be terrified, and you've got to live with not being 100% sure about your baby's health. It's a pig of a thing, and MUCH more widespread than most people realise.

On the up side (cold comfort, I know), huge amounts of successful has been done on HIV treatment and, if he caught it ten years ago, he'll benefit from evrythig that's been learned. The virus mutates frequently, so people who catch it more recently are at greater risk of the therapies not working. The adjustments you'll have to make in your everyday lives can seem like a lot to take in all at once, but are really quite small. Other people won't notice, if you choose not to tell them. Personally, I wish more people would because ignorance is what leaves the road open to this virus ... but that's a question for you later on.

Do look up all the support websites you can find, see the counsellor, and take up any offers of support. You really have no idea how many people are living with HIV - you'll have a better idea soon! I would have thought that, if he's had the dormant virus for so long, you would have already caught it if you were going to. But my knowledge is out of date - so don't listen to me, get talking to some experts!

You & DH need to be kind to one another right now.

kittycat, I will contact you privately - you have to look for a message somewhere (i am am relatively new, too).

IfGraceAsks - thanks, it seems you know what you are talking about... from DH's current condition, it does not seem that it could have developed from zero recently, so I tend to think it has been there for ages. Still, he has never been so sick before, and probably there was a higher chance to pass it more recently...
I am trying to be supportive even if I scared myself to death.

But you say you have tested negative during this pg, and when your DH was diagnosed?
The worry must be unimaginable, VBN, huge sympathy for you and your DH.
How is your DH?
Can you ask the hospital if there is a room you can talk privately in for a while?