What is the single most important thing in choosing someone to marry?

[Flighttattendant]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and have come up with one thing I think I need in a man.

I was dating someone with money, a job, not dreadful looking, nice smile, reasonable (mainly), nice to the kids, easy going and generally okay.

But his priorities weren't the same as mine, somehow - nor was his sense of morality.

I realised that what I would value, and need, most of all in a partner is someone good.

That is someone whose moral compass is pointing the same way as mine. So that I know they will do the right thing, and I can trust them, and they will be nice to my children. But basically, just so I will support them in whatever they do.

I wondered if this is everyone else's priority as well - or is something like perhaps sexual compatibility, looks, getting on in other ways more important? Similar tastes in art and music perhaps?

I am certain nobody I meet will ever tick ALL the boxes - so which are vital and which are not?

Single most important thing to me is sense of humour
so you can laugh together through the dire times

Work ethic
Moral compass
Sense of priorities
Plans for leisure time
Financial attitude
Sexual compatibility....

Someone who will put your interests before his own.

good sex - a nice-sized willy and long tongue and knows how to use it.

because shagging is great entertainment and it's free, so it makes 'for richer for poorer' easier to bear.

I don't think it can be just one thing - that's not enough to sustain a marriage. For me it's kindness, humour and compatibility.

It is easy to find out if people in your life have similar expectations as you.

I think a strong 'code of conduct' is important, but above all it is about trust and respect.

Expat My DH can touch the end of his nose with his tongue, now I know why I am still with him.

I didn't think about anything like that when I chose to get married. I just could not live without him. Sexual chemistry.

Now after 26 years I am wondering just exactly what do we have in common.

well it has to be someone you can envisage spending every day with, forever

so at the very least you need a shared outlook on life. I know that the same things will make me and dh laugh, or groan, or roll our eyes...and he puts up with my bad moods, which is a big plus . And you have to respect and support eachother. and fancy eachother.

It was meant tongue in cheek, Lyn. But honestly, being sexually compatible is a major factor in a sustainable marriage for many. That much is evident even from the number of threads I've seen on here in the past 7 years.

Yes respect is all part of the being 'good' I suppose.

I don't know if I could cope with not fancying someone, though.

I did go off someone because I didn't like his outlook - despite fancying him before I realised this.

Mutual respect definitely. Love is respect, IMO.

The moral compass is important in our relationship. I take it for granted we think similiar.
Then humour and just able to chat to each other. It helps get over the bumpy bits.

Intelligence - I was once married to someone who was not clever. It did not work. Abstract discussions should be possible.

Sense of humour - because making marriage work requires you to laugh at yourself a lot and not take all the humdrum to heart.

Respect for other people - give it and get it.

Opinionated - don't get me wrong I disagree with DH on a fair few things but at least he is passionate enough to have an opinion.

Good father - it matters to me that my husband is good with the children even when I can't because they've piddled on my shoes.

For me it was a matching value system - which I think is essentially the same as what you mean Flight.

Do we agree on how people should be treated.
Do we agree on what is important in life (which for us was family, friends, financial stability in which to bring up children).
Where did we envisage ourselves in 5/10/20/40 years time and did our dreams and hopes match up.

Tbh the sexual compatibility was a given, but to me it's not a reason to marry someone. They need to be your friend, have your trust and so much else too.
I have met far more men that I'm sexually compatible with than men I trust, so yes it must be there but it's way way down the list for me.

I'm not saying that DH and I aren't sexually compatible, we very much are, but it is not the headline factor in our relationship.

Actually I think as well as sexual attraction you have to be friends, not necessarily have same or even similar hobbies/interests but you do really need to LIKE each other and be able to spend time together.

Moral compass, definately.
Someome with a tolerant nature that won't hold minor things against you, that will breed resentment on both sides.
Good communication between you.
The communication thing covers sex, you can teach and learn and continue to explore new things.
So in the communicaton sense,yes I agree the tongue is important

Yes to intelligence. I could not have married a stupid man, I would have had no respect for him.

Yes I agree on the fatherhood issue, they have to get on with my children, properly - not competing or pretending to like them.

Really almost more important than how they are with me.

I have one thing I seem to do always, which is hold up the person against my own father.

I don't think I have ever quite got ove my four year old self asking my mother if I could marry Dad when I grew up - and her saying no!!

I almost had a success story with the last partner - but helpd up against Dad, he lost it on moral standing and trustworthyness. I don't like a person who finds it easy to lie - whatever their motives, good or bad.

Dad could never lie to Mum and I respect that very much.

Shared values are the most important to me.

Fancying each other also important.

But the OP also mentioned similar tastes and I must say I've found this also to be more important over time than I would have thought, because it's a something of an indicator of similar background/education, common interests and how you like your home to be.

Someone who's a diamond, through and through, not just shiny on the surface but no good when the chips are down.

DP is very difficult to live with, with the small stuff, but I know 100% that I can rely on him if the day comes that we have to face something really hard.

I left a man (not literally, but it was a seminal moment) after an emergency landing on a flight - he completely panicked and although I understood, I never quite forgave him for not holding it together.

Alibaba - exactly, you can have reasonable sex but get completely turned off by someone's attitude about something else.

I cannot have sex without respect and admiration, it just does me in.

And trust.

Wukter I think communication is also really important, for me anyway - it's sad because I had that big time with ex we used to talk every night for hours and just not stop. It was so easy.

If he hadn't let me down on the other front I'd have gone with that all the way.

But it's not as important as trusting him and feeling safe, knowing you won't be hurt and neither will someone else on your account.

Yika - I find it interesting as I've always put it bottom of the list, deliberately - given that my own parents like some of the same things culturally but really clash on a few!

I wonder if it is best to go with someone you share these things with initially. Maybe it is a subtle signal that everything else will match up too?

A bit like when you have a partner you think is gorgeous because underneath it all, your genes are really compatible for making great babies!?

Compo - perhaps not the single most important thing (sense of humour that is), but definitely a deal- breaker if he doesn't get my jokes .

But Flight communication is not the same as talking.

From what you have posted about him I don't think you did communicate - he didn't understand what you wanted and you didn't understand his motivations for behaving as he did.

Flight, do you can have that trust etc without good communication, though? I would say one can (though not will) flow from the other.