What is the single most important thing in choosing someone to marry?

[Flighttattendant]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and have come up with one thing I think I need in a man.

I was dating someone with money, a job, not dreadful looking, nice smile, reasonable (mainly), nice to the kids, easy going and generally okay.

But his priorities weren't the same as mine, somehow - nor was his sense of morality.

I realised that what I would value, and need, most of all in a partner is someone good.

That is someone whose moral compass is pointing the same way as mine. So that I know they will do the right thing, and I can trust them, and they will be nice to my children. But basically, just so I will support them in whatever they do.

I wondered if this is everyone else's priority as well - or is something like perhaps sexual compatibility, looks, getting on in other ways more important? Similar tastes in art and music perhaps?

I am certain nobody I meet will ever tick ALL the boxes - so which are vital and which are not?

My mum also believes that a man should love you more than you love him.

You know, it probably is.
Love is blind - you just don't see the warning signs when you are bedazzled with love.

I speak for myself of course, but just because I am in love does not mean I cannot see the downsides of a person. I might be more inclined to overlook but it does not mean I do not notice it. I have the internal heart v head discussion when I am assessing. I think some women could do with being more hard headed in their choice - by that, I mean being uncompromising in insisting on being treated well by their partners and ending it if that does not happen.

i want a man who excites me, and makes me feel safe. it's always been one or the other with exes. however i am optimistic and shall continue to search

passionate (about me, about life)
honest
hard working

Trust and humour.
I hate how some of my friends daredn't (I know that is spelled wrong) have a picture of them taken with a male friend incase the dh sees,and others who worry constantly that their husband is eyeing up another woman.
And I have a very silly sense of humour. I hate the thought of going a day with out laughing.

The reasons that I got together with DH in the first place are manifold. Some are the more basic ones that I would use to select any boyfriend: looks, sense of humour, interests, etc.

The most important indicators for me when it came to marriage were about his deeper characteristics: did we have similar life goals, did we have similar moral values, did we agree on kids, etc.

One of the vital ones for me was about our views on marriage and how it should work. By that, I mean what we felt our respective roles would be (would he be ok if I was a SAHM?), our understanding of how we would resolve differences and our joint commitment to doing everything in our power to make the marriage work and viewing it as a practical fusing together of two people's lives and priorities as well as a love commitment. I think this was particularly important to us because both of our parents divorced after very long marriages so we are both aware of the long-term work required.

Kindness, tolerance, sense of humour, mutual attraction, friendship. Someone you can talk to and who considers you their equal. Someone who like doing the same kinds of things as you but who also does their own thing and lets you do yours.

Very interesting thread!

I'm just coming out of a marriage myself, so am definitely no expert!

He loved me more than I loved him (well, I'm not sure I DID love him...liked him and thought he was a good person, yes). This led me to go off him after the kids were born and my attention was on them. It all went downhill from there. I could hardly bring myself to sleep with him at one point.

So not sure about the 'he should love you more than you love him' thing.

Vital for me are:

Trust
Knowing that he will be there for me whenever I need him, and not be pissed off about not being there when I don't need him. (I mean not getting pissed off or needy when I want to do my own thing).
Feeling secure and knowing how much he loves me without him having to tell me.
Having ambition and wanting the best for us.
Humour, he must make me laugh.
Kindness/caring.
Knowing he has a good relationship with other female role models in his life.
Respect.
Same morals.
Puts effort into our relationship.
Just knows me and understands (he books a holiday and tells me its because he can just see that I am tired and need a break).
Sexual attraction.

Basically someone who is my best friend.

I didn't find mine until I was 30, had other bf's and then a long term bf that I almost married. Something just didn't feel right though and I ended it all. 2 years later met my DF, at the time when I didn't want any relationship. As soon as I met my DF I realised everything that was wrong with my relationship with ex.

I thought that I would always have to settle with someone that met most of my desires in a man because there was no such thing as the perfect one. I was wrong, they do exist and Flight you will meet yours.

I increasingly believe a shared morality is vital.

.....& it takes time.............I was 36 before I found this (but "knew" all but straight way) and 40 before we had DS.......

thanks SMB

maybe

I like your part about the holiday - that's lovely.

he's a diamond Flight, he does alsorts for me - I will sometimes wake in the morning to all the ironing done, the grass cut and the housework done. Tell him he should've woken me and he replies 'you needed a sleep darling and now we can just enjoy the day because the jobs are done'.

And not 'maybe', you will I bet.

Have you heard anything btw? How are you feeling now? Hope you are ok.

He'd have me.