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Original poster

What is the single most important thing in choosing someone to marry?

66 replies

Flighttattendant · 21/08/2010 20:47

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and have come up with one thing I think I need in a man.

I was dating someone with money, a job, not dreadful looking, nice smile, reasonable (mainly), nice to the kids, easy going and generally okay.

But his priorities weren't the same as mine, somehow - nor was his sense of morality.

I realised that what I would value, and need, most of all in a partner is someone good.

That is someone whose moral compass is pointing the same way as mine. So that I know they will do the right thing, and I can trust them, and they will be nice to my children. But basically, just so I will support them in whatever they do.

I wondered if this is everyone else's priority as well - or is something like perhaps sexual compatibility, looks, getting on in other ways more important? Similar tastes in art and music perhaps?

I am certain nobody I meet will ever tick ALL the boxes - so which are vital and which are not?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/08/2010 21:24

Having the same values.

Original poster
Flighttattendant · 21/08/2010 21:27

That's true Ali - and Wukter - we talked for hours and agreed on a lot of issues, but there were things we didn't - it just felt comfortable saying the things I felt, to him, whether we agreed or not iyswim.

I didn't feel inhibited.

It was only that he refused to acknowledge a deep need I had, that was a dealbreaker - then it all fell apart.

I was really excited about the ease with which I could say exactly what I wanted to though.

Even now while we're splitting up I can still say what I feel, however bad it might seem. That's something I will miss.

OP posts:
wukter · 21/08/2010 21:29

It will still be an asset in co-parenting.

booyhoo · 21/08/2010 21:31

the most important thing is that there is a 'click'

second of all is honesty.

LittleCheesyPineappleOne · 21/08/2010 21:36

I agree with you, OP. Before I opened the thread, the thing that came to mind was "kindness". If someone is unkind to his family, friends, strangers... then I could never respect him or love him.

purpleduck · 21/08/2010 21:39

Flight ..the "good" thing really struck a chord with me.

Thing is, I think people can be basically good but not have the strength to follow the goodness through. So, strength of character has to be in there too.

Ronaldinhio · 21/08/2010 21:43

good kisser
has something to say
makes you pack up laughing
grown up
respects women
has had good female role models/relationships

wukter · 21/08/2010 21:45

V good point purpleduck.

reallytired · 21/08/2010 21:46

Someone with similar ambtions to me. I don't think I would be happy living off the state.

In many cases, it causes a lot of tears if one person wants children and the other person does not.

QueeferSutherland · 21/08/2010 21:52

I agree with those who said shared values, no question.
DH &I don't have to discuss often how to approach parenting issues etc, we just know we'll take the same course of action.

A lightbulb did go on in my head when we were going out when I realised we wanted the same things in life.
Equally as important maybe.

Having the same sense of humour is enormously important too.

Surprise · 21/08/2010 21:55

Having a checklist isn't a good starting point. I think not only do you have to love the person you marry, but you need to fall in love with them. You really do need to have that "spark". After that, you need to have mutual respect. Doesn't matter what you both believe, or anything, as long as you respect one another's opinions. Also, thinking at the same level is good. So if you're not a political/intellectual then probably best if your partner is much the same and vice versa.

I fell in love with my DH despite him not being "my type". He wore trainers, and brightly-coloured rugby shirts (I was a goth at the time Grin), was the same height as me and was nothing like anyone I had ever been out with before. And was and still is, the love of my life. (have managed to get rid of the trainers and yellow rugby shirts though)

onimolap · 21/08/2010 22:03

I had two really good pieces of advice:

A) when you marry, you're actually choosing a flatmate for life, and

B) an affair is 90% romance/sex and 10% real life; marriage is the other way round.

Basic kindness goes a long way.

superfrenchie1 · 21/08/2010 22:11

i've been thinking about this a lot too having just come out of a 9-yr relationship.

i got together with my ex when i was 21. what i wanted then was very different to what i want now as a 30 year old.

i think having a similar moral compass is absolutely up there at the top, along with intelligence. the moral compass will drive all sorts of behaviours including being a good dad, trustworthiness, honesty etc, which is i think what's been said above.

back when i was 21 i was interested in sexual compatability, having things in common, being with someone handsome and cool who liked doing the same things.

now, those things are so not important to me

DaydreamDolly · 21/08/2010 22:20

I sometimes think DH and I are the same person. I know exactly how he would react to any situation and same for him.
Having the same goals and values is a great to start. Xx

sharon137 · 21/08/2010 22:23

Kindness, honesty, chemistry, intelligence.

HowsTheSerenity · 21/08/2010 22:56

A little old lady on the train once told me (I was in tears after being dumped via text while waiting for a train) that the person you should marry is the person who you could happily sit on the sofa with for the rest of your life Grin

LynetteScavo · 21/08/2010 23:01

DH understands me.

Not many people do.

twolittlemonkeys · 21/08/2010 23:08

I'd agree with the values. So much hinges on what your values and priorities are. I think for me, someone who is trustworthy and reliable, as well as unselfish and kind. Someone who will communicate openly too.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/08/2010 23:15

Heartstopping romance or sexual passion aside, do you actually like him? Cos you'll be spending a lot of time together.

wukter · 21/08/2010 23:23

My friend's grandaunt had this gem 'Don't marry the man you love, marry the man that loves you.'

Cold, depressing, but probably good pragmatic advice.

(Met some friends for a drink this eve and asked them this question)

LadyBee · 21/08/2010 23:29

Someone who is kind.

Being kind to one another gets you through the shitty times. Which is when you need a bit kindness the most.

foreverastudent · 21/08/2010 23:42

trust

blueshoes · 21/08/2010 23:45

wukter: 'Don't marry the man you love, marry the man that loves you.'

Totally agree. Ideally you will have both. You can love a man but far more important is that he will treat you well. I feel that men need to love their partners for a successful marriage more than it is necessary for women to love theirs. I need to be able to respect my husband.

wukter · 21/08/2010 23:51

My friends grandaunt would be well over 100 if she were alive - 80 years ago that was probably sage advice to hand down. It's probably (hopefully) not neccessary nowadays.
In a purely pragmatic sense it's better to be loved than loving, if there's no way out of a marriage.

blueshoes · 22/08/2010 00:03

Dunno, wukter. The number of threads in Relationships from women married to arseholes suggests to me that advice is as good 80 years ago as it is today.