she wants to leave - any advice please

[saddad1]

Hello, I was hoping that I might be able to get some advice from a women?s point of view. My wife of 10 years is leaving me, she says that she has been unhappy for a long time and that although she has tried to tell me, I haven?t been listening. We have 2 young children between 3 and 5 and I am so worried and sad about what life will be like for them, for my wife and for me. Currently I work full time and she stays at home with the children, we have a decent home, good friends and enough money that we get by without struggling. I admit that I have been very selfish in our relationship, I do a lot of extra activities football 6 hours a week, going to the pub with other dads once a month and I have a volunteer position which means that I am on call in the evenings and one day per weekend. She does not have any external hobbies but normally goes out with her old school friends for a blow out once a month. All these activities mean that we don?t spend much quality time together and to be fair, when we do we don?t really communicate and a lot of the spark we had is gone, much of this I think has to do with the both of us becoming a bit complacent in our relationship. I know that we have been unhappy for a while but I didn?t realise that things had got to this point for her until about 8 weeks ago when she first said that she was thinking about leaving - it has gone from bad to worse since then with many tears, I realised about 10 weeks ago that I had been pushing her to far with trying to save money (I made up a budget based on how much I spend a month and gave her the same amount), and making her feel that she didn?t have the right to spend money (these are her words not mine as I never realised that I was making her feel that way ? she had mentioned that she felt that way before but I tried to tell her that I didn?t feel that way and thought she understood that), and was trying to mend the problem before she told me how she was feeling. She also says that she never really felt like I loved her as much as she loved me which is not true. Intimacy has never been an issue ? but not as frequent as I would have liked and she says that I have made her feel obligated at times due to her being stay at home mum ? this is your duty type of thing and because it is a lot less frequent than I would like I can see how my sometimes negative comments about it would seem like that. I have a few bad habits such as smoking and drinking to excess every now and then (ironically a lot more now during all this ? it doesn?t help the situation), even when she has been out and I am looking after the children and I know that there are more points of my personality which she doesn?t like, I have in the past made some terrible decisions and have been a very mean and selfish person ? but these are slips in our relationship not the norm, I have never cheated on her and I am not abusive. I am a good father and provider and a decent person and not that bad of a husband ? a husband who is at least willing to change. She also says that she still loves me (and always will as we have a beautiful family together) and likes me, she is just not in love with me and her heart says that in order for her to be happy she know she has to be on her own with the children, unfortunately for me I am still completely in love with her and love our family. Although she would never deny me any time with the children I cant help feeling this will be a horrible experience for them and us as a family and although I know my weaknesses and faults I am willing to change them in order to keep us together and although some of them have been around for a lot of years and i have known she doesnt like certain things - i havnt made any real effort to change all of them, but some of them i have for her and for the family, unfortunately she says there are just too many things that would have to change and it is too little too late, and that she has never wanted to change me - how can you not want to change someone but still want them to be a different person? I am willing to do anything to keep the family together and I know that if she leaves she will have to move into a flat, probably in a not very nice area with not very nice schools or people - all of this cannot be better for the children then being in a home with both parents who (although one half is miserable), have a strong foundation to build on and surely the feelings can return with a bit of hard work - cant they? She says her career has been put on hold due to the children and that she wants her independence back and wants to be closer to her family - I have explained that she can have all these things and I am willing to move (as she hates where we live due to her family being 30 miles away and the lack of good schools in the area ? I have never wanted to move as it would mean sacrificing on space, money and giving up a lot of my things ? and our friends), help get her career back on track and try to give her space - anything really. I realise that a lot of my actions (or lack of them), have led to this point but as it wasn?t staring me in the face until now I didn?t do anything to change it, however, she keeps saying that now it?s too late. She says that I can have the house and that it would be a good idea to keep it so the children have a home to come to when they visit me, also it is not worth selling it as we would be lucky to break even. She has no money to move out with so is going to go on benefits and with maintenance from me as she cant afford to go back to work until our youngest is school age. I have said that I will not help her leave me, as I am not ready to give up on our relationship how can I? I completely love her and think that she is an amazing person, I cant see life without her and at the same time I cant see not being there in the mornings to kiss my children goodbye and not being there every night to kiss them goodnight - I know that these things are also a bit selfish - but are surely worth fighting for. When someone gets to this point can they be swayed, what else can I do to make her realise this is a huge mistake? All those times that she suggested something and I just put it down to being a bad idea or nagging ? were those the times when I needed to change my behaviour? How can it be possible for someone to think that the family would benefit more from being apart and living on the dole then being together as a family and trying to work things through? What can I do to show her?
Sorry for the long post, first time user and I didn?t realise how this would just keep going once I started writing it down.
Any thoughts or opinions (try not to be too harsh) are appreciated.

neither you nor I know that, so no point discussing it

Quite!

Does it matter if she's perfect? A marriage can fail if it contains one twat or two twats. Why is it important to you to shift the blame?

verysadwife, I wonder how you feel about the fact that your husband has reacted to the feedback here by craeting a new username (demisemiquaver, I mean) and coming back on to attack us. Is that the sort of technique he's been using when you've told him you're unhappy?

Saddad, if you work fulltime and are out so much during the week and on weekends, how much time do you spend with your children?

Your OP sounds alot my ex.

He constantly put other things ahead of me and our DC and I eventually got sick of it and him. Walked out with nothing except our daughter and was best decision I ever made.

The worst decision I ever made was giving him chances after that- he promised me the world and then some but never delivered. He said he loved me too much to let me go great. So now I'm stuck with him, a milestone round my neck, constantly reminding me that I "need" him in my life. Yeah right.

What I'm saying is I guess, that I didn't leave on a whim and neither I'm sure is your DW. There loads and loads of things that niggle and hurt like hell, but one day a straw will break the camel's back.

I'd suggest giving her space but she's had loads already while you've been out having a good time so while you could suggest councelling, you'd be better off doing than talking. When was the last time you organised a babysitter and suprised her with a date?

Also no matter what you think of your wife, please put it aside and think of your DC, they will always need both parents and being civil is a much needed plus. My parents split when I was little and have never been civil to eachother. It's draining to say the least.

Haha just read through it all [skimmed before, silly me!] and wish I hadn't bothered replying coz the OP seems to have some kind of multiple personality ishoo. and

The almost total absence of compassion (SO much judgement, a juggernaut of vitriol, before it was decided this was a troll) in this thread has put me off mumsnet. I suppose the writer set out to prove something - did they do so?

Brainwashing? BRAINWASHING

What are you smoking?

That's a brilliant last argument, isn't it, Math?

"He's probably a really nice bloke who did nothing wrong!"
"Um, except that he says himself that he did all of these twattish things"
"Well well um, she could have been brainwashing him!"

What, brainwashing him into going out boozing with the lads and leaving her at home with two small children and no money? Did he really want to be at home getting to know his children and communicating with his wife, and she brainwashed him into being a wanker instead? That's some powerful powers she's got.

How could any man not want to be at home with you twisted witches............ Very few men spend alot of time away from there home for no reason. The problem starts befor the absense, talk to each other and listen, yes I used the dirty l word LISTEN

Early morning sock-puppetry.

sock puppetry with bad grammar and spelling

shocking

Hello all,

well, thankyou for all the response (at least the ones that offered some advice).
There is nothing left to say except this:

To my wife, i know the things i did wrong and realised too late to fix them and i am truly sorry for not charishing you the way you deserve to be. I hope you find happiness.

You know saddad, you type in a very similar way to happynolucky - funny that.

"You know saddad, you type in a very similar way to happynolucky - funny that."

And to duedec2. And at the risk of being called a cunt again to blueskiesandsunshine.

Look, i originally posted this as someone trying to save what little was left of his mariage - yes i was grasping at straws but i did it with the best intentions.

The other posters all have their own opinions and some of the comments were helpful but unfortunately a lot of them just confirmed what i think i already knew. I know my faults and have to change them in the future for my own sake. I now have to concentrate on maintaining the childrens happiness through what is going to be a horrible process.

I am unsure as to why there is so much venom in a lot of the comments, or indeed why some of you seem to think there is a conspiracy. Just because others dont share the 'lets kill him' attitude doenst mean they dont have 'some' valid points.

Anyway, you lot are not in this particular sad situation and it was a foolish idea to ask you to get involved. As a last time mumsnet user i will be sure to take all your comments on board.

I read it all...

You are out for the night most of the week? well she is in all month but for one night being the mother and father in that family, yet you feel you are being nice because you care for the children ONCE a month so she can go out?

"Intimacy has never been an issue ? but not as frequent as I would have liked and she says that I have made her feel obligated at times due to her being stay at home mum ? this is your duty type of thing and because it is a lot less frequent than I would like I can see how my sometimes negative comments about it would seem like that."

Type of DUTY??? FGS!

"I have a few bad habits such as smoking and drinking to excess every now and then (ironically a lot more now during all this ? it doesn?t help the situation)"

So... you get drunk, and are getting even worse, but is her fault because of bringing up the idea of leaving you... Charming... absolutely charming...

"She also says that she still loves me (and always will as we have a beautiful family together) and likes me, she is just not in love with me and her heart says that in order for her to be happy she know she has to be on her own with the children, unfortunately for me I am still completely in love with her and love our family"

So she says she doesn't love you anymore, she is trying to let you go kindly... yet you think that her feelings are irrelevant because they are not in your best interests of those of the children... Does she has any say on her own relationship?

"I am willing to do anything to keep the family together and I know that if she leaves she will have to move into a flat, probably in a not very nice area with not very nice schools or people "

Yes, because you have not offered to go yourself, as good fathers do, and leave the children stay in their nice house and neighbourhood. But again, you are saying that she is the one getting the family into trouble because she wants out of the marriage.

"When someone gets to this point can they be swayed, what else can I do to make her realise this is a huge mistake? All those times that she suggested something and I just put it down to being a bad idea or nagging ? "

No, to be honest, she is telling you left right and centre she doesn't want to be with you, yet you think that is irrelevant...

I don't blame her for wanting to go, to be honest, you seem to have acted incredibly selfish for years on end.

If I were you, I would stop putting pressure on her, I would give her space, have a separation trial if you wish, but move out (you! not her and the children). And then try to work yourself back into her trusting you won't be as selfish as before. But remember, no matter how much you say you love her, if she doesn't love you, you can't force her to change her mind. Either she starts loving you again or she doesn't. You have no control over that.

Your right I am pretty uneducated but I do have compasion for others and can say I'll not be on here again as some of what I've seen is just wrong.
I hope if any of you are in real pain some day you get help from the few people that don't just want to deflect there own resentments on to others.

Oh, don't leave yet Happynolucky. This thread might be of interest to you?

Bless he's learnt paragraphs already

Just to clear up any confusion, I can confirm Happynolucky is not the OP.

Sick of being lectured for "lack of compassion" as well, sAf. Yes some people are harsh, but you always get some of that. I don't get how all these plaguey posters spare so much compassion for the bloke involved - no matter the situation "compassion" is only requested for the man - and yet express none whatsoever for the woman? Have you ever been asked to be more compassionate, except by someone who wants you to be nice about some bloke who admits having been unfaithful/absent/selfish/drunk/violent?