Hello, I was hoping that I might be able to get some advice from a women?s point of view. My wife of 10 years is leaving me, she says that she has been unhappy for a long time and that although she has tried to tell me, I haven?t been listening. We have 2 young children between 3 and 5 and I am so worried and sad about what life will be like for them, for my wife and for me. Currently I work full time and she stays at home with the children, we have a decent home, good friends and enough money that we get by without struggling. I admit that I have been very selfish in our relationship, I do a lot of extra activities football 6 hours a week, going to the pub with other dads once a month and I have a volunteer position which means that I am on call in the evenings and one day per weekend. She does not have any external hobbies but normally goes out with her old school friends for a blow out once a month. All these activities mean that we don?t spend much quality time together and to be fair, when we do we don?t really communicate and a lot of the spark we had is gone, much of this I think has to do with the both of us becoming a bit complacent in our relationship. I know that we have been unhappy for a while but I didn?t realise that things had got to this point for her until about 8 weeks ago when she first said that she was thinking about leaving - it has gone from bad to worse since then with many tears, I realised about 10 weeks ago that I had been pushing her to far with trying to save money (I made up a budget based on how much I spend a month and gave her the same amount), and making her feel that she didn?t have the right to spend money (these are her words not mine as I never realised that I was making her feel that way ? she had mentioned that she felt that way before but I tried to tell her that I didn?t feel that way and thought she understood that), and was trying to mend the problem before she told me how she was feeling. She also says that she never really felt like I loved her as much as she loved me which is not true. Intimacy has never been an issue ? but not as frequent as I would have liked and she says that I have made her feel obligated at times due to her being stay at home mum ? this is your duty type of thing and because it is a lot less frequent than I would like I can see how my sometimes negative comments about it would seem like that. I have a few bad habits such as smoking and drinking to excess every now and then (ironically a lot more now during all this ? it doesn?t help the situation), even when she has been out and I am looking after the children and I know that there are more points of my personality which she doesn?t like, I have in the past made some terrible decisions and have been a very mean and selfish person ? but these are slips in our relationship not the norm, I have never cheated on her and I am not abusive. I am a good father and provider and a decent person and not that bad of a husband ? a husband who is at least willing to change. She also says that she still loves me (and always will as we have a beautiful family together) and likes me, she is just not in love with me and her heart says that in order for her to be happy she know she has to be on her own with the children, unfortunately for me I am still completely in love with her and love our family. Although she would never deny me any time with the children I cant help feeling this will be a horrible experience for them and us as a family and although I know my weaknesses and faults I am willing to change them in order to keep us together and although some of them have been around for a lot of years and i have known she doesnt like certain things - i havnt made any real effort to change all of them, but some of them i have for her and for the family, unfortunately she says there are just too many things that would have to change and it is too little too late, and that she has never wanted to change me - how can you not want to change someone but still want them to be a different person? I am willing to do anything to keep the family together and I know that if she leaves she will have to move into a flat, probably in a not very nice area with not very nice schools or people - all of this cannot be better for the children then being in a home with both parents who (although one half is miserable), have a strong foundation to build on and surely the feelings can return with a bit of hard work - cant they? She says her career has been put on hold due to the children and that she wants her independence back and wants to be closer to her family - I have explained that she can have all these things and I am willing to move (as she hates where we live due to her family being 30 miles away and the lack of good schools in the area ? I have never wanted to move as it would mean sacrificing on space, money and giving up a lot of my things ? and our friends), help get her career back on track and try to give her space - anything really. I realise that a lot of my actions (or lack of them), have led to this point but as it wasn?t staring me in the face until now I didn?t do anything to change it, however, she keeps saying that now it?s too late. She says that I can have the house and that it would be a good idea to keep it so the children have a home to come to when they visit me, also it is not worth selling it as we would be lucky to break even. She has no money to move out with so is going to go on benefits and with maintenance from me as she cant afford to go back to work until our youngest is school age. I have said that I will not help her leave me, as I am not ready to give up on our relationship how can I? I completely love her and think that she is an amazing person, I cant see life without her and at the same time I cant see not being there in the mornings to kiss my children goodbye and not being there every night to kiss them goodnight - I know that these things are also a bit selfish - but are surely worth fighting for. When someone gets to this point can they be swayed, what else can I do to make her realise this is a huge mistake? All those times that she suggested something and I just put it down to being a bad idea or nagging ? were those the times when I needed to change my behaviour? How can it be possible for someone to think that the family would benefit more from being apart and living on the dole then being together as a family and trying to work things through? What can I do to show her?
Sorry for the long post, first time user and I didn?t realise how this would just keep going once I started writing it down.
Any thoughts or opinions (try not to be too harsh) are appreciated.