Why do men cheat?

[kyotokate]

I heard this early in the morning on BBC World Service.

Peadar De Burca an Irish Comedian/playwright has written a play about just this subject which is being performed in Edinburgh at the moment.

The Daily Telegraph

The Independent

The Play is based on a lot on interviews he did and what he found is reflected in this forum IMO. Women on the whole are reluctant to leave cheating their adulterous Husbands.

Any opinions???

A woman needs to feel loved to have sex.
A man needs sex to feel loved.
In general

Its got nothing to do with thinking about getting away with things or being self centred.

Men and women are different.

A woman can not understand why a man who appears to have it all would cheat.

singledomisgood it's not ideal, I know that.

but I guess : excitement, affection, love, sex, adventure, intimacy, those sorts of things.

Have you ever had and affair? or turned down an affair? what went through your mind?

Talley, I was in a very abusive marriage - was with him over 20 years. Near the end I was in such a bad way and my self esteem was nonexistent.

I had so many chances to have affairs all the way through my marriage. I have always been against affairs (for me. Others have there reasons,I know and thats for them to choose)and although I was tempted especially when the abuse became unbearable, I could never bring myself to do it. I wanted to make my marriage work.

When I realised this would never happen, and I got to the point of feeling suicidal, I decided I had to end the marriage. My exH did not leave for another 2 years and it was hell and in that time even though I had opportunities, I could not bring myself to cheat. I just could not see how lying or deceiving somebody else (even the person who was threatening to kill me) was the right way to go.

Looking back, I do sometimes wonder what I missed but to be honest I'm still glad I didnt go down that road.

I still think it is better to part company than to be in a deceitful relationship. But thats my opinion.

singledomisgood - your story brought tears to my eyes.

From your description, your case was clear cut...your husband didn't deserve you at all. Looking back at my parents, several things worked in partnership: they both worked hard to educate their several children, he made us all laugh and feel loved ..... so it wouldn't have been black or white for my mom. Perhaps it goes back to the point about what is at stake for men and women......about the fact that in the past it was not such a big risk for men to cheat as it was viewed differently and had different consequences for men and women.

Looking back, I think my mom's top priority was our education and well-being which was also very important to my dad.

I wonder if less or more women are cheating in modern times.

My 11 year old recently read "Selfish Gene" and seems to be able to explain everything by reference to SG these days so I will ask him on this one.....although I haven't yet told him about his Grandad's behaviour.......

TDiddy, yes it was a terrible time and things are much better now.

I agree that in the past it was probably harder for a woman to leave a marriage that wasnt working for whatever reason.

I just dont understand why it happens now. The reason I stayed in my marriage, despite the abuse, was for the sake of the children.I beleived it was better for them to have both parents, regardless of the fact that their father was totally disinterested in them, as well as a bully. I do regret that as I think they were damaged more than if I had left earlier. My eldest has had nothing to do with him for 6 years and the youngest rarely sees him.

And one of the reasons I didnt have affairs was also for the sake of the children. This is why I was interested in your story, as I wondered how it impacted on a family from a childs point of view.

If someone is having an affair, then they are not spending that time with their family and therefore the children are not benefiting from that person staying in the marriage. And for the partner being cheated on, surely it is better to give them the choice too whether they want to stay in the
marriage.

singledom - yes, seems like men get away with it, doesn't it. I did notice that my dad was often out socialising but he was an academic and had more time than the average modern day dad. The impact on family life was also mitigated by us having lots of siblings and so we had much fun together....but my mom is the real hero in all of this...

singledom - most important think is for kids not to have exposure to violence. Then for then to have a happy environment......often (but not always) if parents are unhappy then it rubs off on kids. I can't say that my upbringing was an unhappy experience...mixed bag but on the whole, we laughed, danced, played, joked and studied a lot.

Having read through some of the new threads tonight I still maintain that having an affair causes much more devastation than either ending the relationship or sorting the problems out. Or maybe I am just naive.

It is not fair on the person being cheated on or the kids.

And I actually think cheating on someone is a form of abuse.

I think I'm quite old fashioned at heart and I'd rather have a monogamous relationship with an amazing man who only wanted me. But I just don't think that men want the same thing. Well all the decent ones are taken!

poshsinglemum and singledomisgood - can I say that lots of men would like that as well. Just have to recognise that some don't and some give way to temptation, stresses of everyday life..... But I don't like the idea that most of us are not honorable?

I dont think most men are not honourable. I think PEOPLE who cheat are not honourable.

Well here is my other story. I DW is a superb mom. DW says that I am an excellent dad. Neither of us is perfect but we both prioritise children, work hard etc. I don't think that we have ever cheated on each other in our long marriage. Yet, I think that we have endured and continue to endure long periods of dissatisfaction/frustration/anger on different levels. We are both committed to our children above all else. Neither of us is violent or anything like that and we are both liked/admired by friends; both "reasonable" and both kind - atleast from our friends perspective. If one day she (or I) "cheated" then I don't think that would suddenly make her a bad person. I may not be happy with that but it could happen since I am sure that she sometimes she can only see my imperfections??

So I am not sure that it is always as clear cut- good and bad people as you paint it.

Ok then. Good people and bad people cheat. Cheating is not honourable.

Makes me sound like I am arguing for cheating; I am just relating the fact that things are not quite as black or white.

Hi TDiddy. Looks like we are both going to the bitter end!

Lets just agree to differ

people overwhelmingly agree that having an affair is a Very Bad Thing.

But much research seems to show that 60% of men and 40% of women have them.

So I think there is something odd going on here - it is 'normal' behaviour and also very bad.

If the stats are right many many of the people reading this thread will have had affairs, and a good number of them will be currently having one. Perhaps there is something to explore here.

singledomisgood - your resolve is impressive, but there is an element of 'beating is better than cheating' meme (which I find so sad)

do you now think that if you had had an affair you might have escaped your H more quickly.

Unquiet Dad - cucumber sandwiches can make a refreshing change from jam sponge ;-)

singledomisgood - we don't disagree on what is wrong and what is right. It is just that I think people are multidimensional and I feel less inclined to judge people too harshly when life is so complex and fragile.

Talley, I dont think beating is better than cheating. My mistake was beleiving that I should work on my marriage no matter what and believing that my DC should have their father around (even if just physically - he was a totally useless father). And there was also the factor that I believed that I was to blame for the abuse. Also, as I come from a foreign background, there was the stigma of divorce which was frowned upon by my parents.

As for cheating, towards the end of my marriage, I was praying that my ex would have an affair and run off with another woman so that i would escape from my hell.

And looking back, if I had had an affair it would probably have helped my self esteem but wouldnt have made my marriage any better. Just a distraction from what I was going through. As I was enduring the abuse for the sake of the children, it didnt make sense to then be spending time with someone else.

TDiddy, I am not judging anyone. Each to their own. I just dont like the lies and deceit involved where affairs are concerned. And then the devastation caused when the affair is discovered.

I often wonder if, in plenty of some cases, men cheat because they know that if/when the wife finishes it they will still see their children regularly if they want to but will have escaped the full-on hard work of raising them, and if they don't want to see them at all or irregularly, there's nothing a wife can do to prevent that. Nothing.

If you are a man in an unhappy marriage it's much easier mentally and emotionally I think, to find a new woman to move on to first, (because they are shit at going for too long without regular sex) cheat with her, safe in the knowledge that their hand will be forced when the wifey finds out (rather than having to face telling her himself he wants out with no new sexual partner lined up)...then he has to leave...but he can still see the kids and hey presto he has sex on tap, no full-time children and so can start having fun again too.

Simples.

AMAZON, you have it in one. Exactly why my XP does it, he is extremely happy with his life now. No real commitment to anyone, plays around with a couple of women a week, never lets them near his home as it's his area, doesn't have DD over night but does get to do the good days out with her, exciting stuff, when he'a had enough he brings her home to me.

Pays £350 per month for this privelidge and I get to be free from a controlling habitual cheat. YIPEEEEE!

oliviasmama (sorry, but really: don't you have an identity of your own, independent of olivia?)

FWIW I think the complete reverse: in almost all cases the result of a divorce is that the woman and children end up living together (often in the family home) while the man moves out. So from this perspective at least it is FAR easier for a woman to contemplate a divorce than an man.

If a man separates from his wife it will feel to him and the children like he is abandoning them. If a woman separates from her husband it feels to her and children as though he has been thrown out.

(where it IS harder for women to separate is, of course, financially. When you have children in most cases the man will be earner, and a separation will be very hard for the non-earning woman who doesn't receive a big divorce settlement)

Talleyrand (sorry, but really: don't you have anything to do , other than being an obnoxious twat?).

I agree with much of what singledomisgood et al say. However, I am uncomfortable speaking in such absolute terms: for example, I do know of one case where the couple stuck together for the sake of the kids until the kids grew up and then split. Who said that was necessarily the wrong thing to do for the kids? And who knows whether each was having an affair. Quite likely in the case that i am referring to. The kids seem quite normal when the parentrs were together and were pissed off when the parents split. Depending on how parents get on splitting isn't always the right answer. I concede that splitting might be the right thing in most cases but I think that this is a generalisation.