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Relationships

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Original poster

Why do men cheat?

99 replies

kyotokate · 17/08/2010 15:24

I heard this early in the morning on BBC World Service.

Peadar De Burca an Irish Comedian/playwright has written a play about just this subject which is being performed in Edinburgh at the moment.

The Daily Telegraph

The Independent

The Play is based on a lot on interviews he did and what he found is reflected in this forum IMO. Women on the whole are reluctant to leave cheating their adulterous Husbands.

Any opinions???

OP posts:

commeuneimage · 17/08/2010 18:35

It's not just selfishness, boredom, unhappiness - it's because sexual attraction is incredibly strong and difficult to resist.

RumourOfAHurricane · 17/08/2010 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shimmerysilverglitter · 17/08/2010 18:46

Yes, women cheat, I just don't think they cheat as much as men. I think they are in general more emotionally entangled in their relationships. The majority of men I have known seem more able to separate sex and love and don't really see cheating as that big a deal. For me when I love someone no matter how long I am with them I could never cheat. My heart would not allow it. I have seen many, many men (used to be in army and have nearly always worked in male dominated environments) who claim to love their wives and to be fair actually do seem to, cheat on their wives and not actually feel guilty at all about it.

I have never known a man who would not cheat given the opportunity.

singledomisgood · 17/08/2010 23:06

I think men cheat more than women because its easier to do so! I could never cheat on someone because I could not bear the potential hurt to another person, but not all people feel that way.

In a marriage/relationship with kids, its still mainly the woman who cares for the children so firstly, she rarely is in a situation where she meets potential lovers (apart from postman, milkman etc!) and secondly, even if she did the logistics would be a nightmare. Trying to sort out the childcare, making sure kids are bathed and in bed and that hubby is there to babysit, as well as getting dolled up without causing suspicion before sneaking out! She cant even make the excuse that she is working late or popped out for a quick drink with mates. By the time she meets up with lover boy milkman, she'd be too exhausted for sex!

I also think men generally tend to go more for single women than married ones anyway because of the lack of spontaneity (due to the above reasons) because affairs need to have the element of thrill, which is not possible if the married woman has to sort out tomorrows lunchboxes before rushing out for a quickie!

kittya · 17/08/2010 23:40

ah, but they go for married women as well. Then theres no demand on them to leave their wives, have children etc.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/08/2010 10:52

Because monogamy doesn't suit everyone, yet we live in a culture that fetishises it to the extreme and insists that those who are open about their refusal of monogamy are flwaed in some way, immature, selfish, etc. So unmonogamous people (unless very assertive) pick a partner and agree to practice monogamy, hate it, resent it and start seeking sex elsewhere because they feel trapped and believe that it would be no good being honest about how monogamy isn't for them and it would probably be safe to have an afair and not get caught...

SilaNaGeige · 18/08/2010 11:00

Spineless, people who'd rather choose to deceive their partner than have the balls to rightfully claim a lifestyle more suited to their tastes.

Yes KK, I think generally women are permissive when it comes to male infidelity, as is society as a whole, however, I think this is a transitory issue and people are generally becoming more empowered regarding their relationship choices; whether that means the right to open relationships or the right to monogamy.

abedelia · 18/08/2010 11:13

Because they are selfish and have a misplaced sense of entitlement. I bet a good majority of the people (not just men) who are unfaithful would just hate it if the same was done to them. Yet they do have this massive sense of entitlement and so it is 'different' and 'okay' for them to go ahead because they are marvellous and special and not just another idiot who will shortly have the scales fall from their eyes when people find out about their behaviour and it becomes public knowledge.

At that point the poor loves will get all depressed because they aren't as great as they'd thought they were (the OW / Om turning out to have been a massively unsuitable or obnoxious twat), and will have to live with their shame forever.

Actually, in the type of infidelity this thread is on about, the comedian's stuff is based, I think, on just one type of adulterer (sorry for old fashioned term but I haven't time to think of another!) - he seems to have just surveyed possibly rich banker types with their trophy shags. For that type of deal I do think SGB is right - people should be honest from the outset. i.e 'with this ring you will be trading the right for me to do as I please for a comfy life'.

However, it's a bit too simple. Read Shirley Glass, who had a lot of this through her doors. there are several types of behaviour and this is just one, the serial shagger.

RandyRussian · 18/08/2010 11:42

Men cheat for pretty much the same reasons we do.

celticfairy101 · 18/08/2010 11:50

Ohh I'm not too sure they do. Many men visit prostitutes so the cheating there is based solely on sex. If women wanted to do this then there would be an equal ratio of male/female prostitutes. Interestingly men visit male prostitutes far more than females do.

I agree with abedelia regarding the misplaced sense of entitlement and with SGB regarding those who find themselves in lifelong monogamy (though do they not enter these unions of their own voltion?, when they are clearly by nature unsuited for it.

happiestblonde · 18/08/2010 11:50

men cheat because they are nasty smelly boys. fact.

UnquietDad · 18/08/2010 12:05

Any more generalisations about Teh Menz people want to make? I am compiling a list... before I start on mine about Teh Womenz...

SilaNaGeige · 18/08/2010 13:33

...and they're made of slugs, snails and puppy dog's tails?

Fact!

nancydrewrocked · 18/08/2010 14:21

For some people (men and woman) one long term sexual partner is not enough and they lack the honesty and courage to be upfront about that.

Others genuinely suprise themselves by falling in love with another person and go on to have a monogomous relationship with that person.

I suspect there are far more of the former rather than the latter.

Not sure what that says about the world really...

UnquietDad · 18/08/2010 15:26

Yes, a lot of people want (or need) more than one sexual partner - and probably realise they shouldn't have entered into a monogamous marriage if that is what they wanted. By the time they reach that point of realisation, though, they are already there - so what do they do?

They can carry on as before - unhappily - or they can seek extra-curricular entertainment, or they can end the marriage, with all the disruption and financial wrangles and bile this would involve. It's no surprise people would rather avoid the latter if they could. I'm not defending infidelity, but when people say "Why don't you just leave him/ her?" they need to realise that, in a lot of cases, the adulterer has no need, desire or intention to leave the marriage.

It's interesting that the wronged spouse often says it is not the sex they mainly are upset by, it's the deceit - but how many, truly, would be happy with an up-front confession of "I'm going to go and shag someone else, OK? Didn't want to do it behind your back, so I'm just letting you know..."

SilaNaGeige · 18/08/2010 16:14

"...they need to realise that, in a lot of cases, the adulterer has no need, desire or intention to leave the marriage."

I think most people do realise that adulterers tend to want to 'have their cake and eat it'!

"...but how many, truly, would be happy with an up-front confession of "I'm going to go and shag someone else, OK? Didn't want to do it behind your back, so I'm just letting you know..."

Not many would be happy, true.

Many would be happier to be given that information, on which to base their own choices.

It would give them the autonomy to end the relationship if they wished and that would make most people happier than to be deceived by their partner.

SilaNaGeige · 18/08/2010 16:19

Of course, equally, the partner might respond with "Me too!" ...and everyone's a winner.

greentriangle · 18/08/2010 16:25

Men cheat because they can. Simple.

Things that make men more likely to cheat are selfishness, arrogance, vanity etc. The reason men (and women) cheat usually has nothing to do with their spouse.

talleyrand · 18/08/2010 17:58

solidgoldbrass makes sense (she always does)

is it really realistic to get married in your early-twenties (say) and then spend the next 50 years without ever kissing anyone, or having sex, or having a close emotional relationship with another person?

and even if that is releastic are we certain that it represents a good life - a life lived to a full? the sort of life you wouild look back uponn with unqualified pride?

yes, affairs are very hurtful. I am not saying they are cost-free or to be applauded or to embarked upon with every woman you can get drunk on a friday night, but perhaps they are a fact of life and not always to be regretted, and not the worst thing that can happen to a person.

happiestblonde · 18/08/2010 18:20

Isn't just having one person they want to kiss the most and getting to kiss them all the time forever ultimately what a lot of people want? I do. Why dilute the quality of the kisses from the one person to lots of shockers as well?

Martin Amis recently said that on your death bed you'll think how did it go with the main person in your life. Especially if you aren't religious, surely it'll feel better to say 'yes i really loved them and treated them well' than 'yeah, it was alright but i shagged around a lot'

Original poster

kyotokate · 18/08/2010 18:22

The link I posted was about unfaithful men only and of course I know women are unfaithful.

About 20 years ago I had an affair (to call him my partner is demeaning the word). After a couple of months I realised that he was not a monogamous man so I wrote him a letter (before the days of emails and texting) and told him that I didn't want to see him again as I did not want what he was offering. Just found him on FB and his relationship status is "its complicated". He is now 60 so nothing has changed!!

if monogamy is what a person wants in a relationship it is up to them to make that clear.

Personally I have given up...

OP posts:

dunnowhereiam · 18/08/2010 19:23

Agree with shineon.

nancydrewrocked · 18/08/2010 19:59

happiestblonde interesting quote...

I just read an interview with Fay Weldnon and she said in the same circumstances "you only regret the men you didn't sleep with and the children you didn't have".

Original poster

kyotokate · 20/08/2010 10:21

On Women's Hour on Radio 4 now.

OP posts:

MrsMorgan · 20/08/2010 10:35

I had a conversation the other day about this with a 24yr old who is cheating on his 19yr old gf.

He does it because he can, and because he thinks he is young so why not.

He thinks that in a few years, when he is ready, he will settle down with someone and not cheat at all.

I'd be very very surprised if he ever achieved that.

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