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Original poster

Why do men cheat?

99 replies

kyotokate · 17/08/2010 15:24

I heard this early in the morning on BBC World Service.

Peadar De Burca an Irish Comedian/playwright has written a play about just this subject which is being performed in Edinburgh at the moment.

The Daily Telegraph

The Independent

The Play is based on a lot on interviews he did and what he found is reflected in this forum IMO. Women on the whole are reluctant to leave cheating their adulterous Husbands.

Any opinions???

OP posts:
MrsMorgan · 20/08/2010 10:36

Oh and in the 4 years that i've been single, the number of attached blokes that have tried it on with me, is easily double the amount of single ones.

I was really shocked that so many men are prepared to cheat.

Original poster
kyotokate · 20/08/2010 10:46

Peadar De Burca is specifically talking about men who are serial cheaters.

OP posts:
Malificence · 20/08/2010 10:49

"is it really realistic to get married in your early-twenties (say) and then spend the next 50 years without ever kissing anyone, or having sex, or having a close emotional relationship with another person? Yes if you are committed to your marriage, I will never touch/kiss/have sex with any other man than my husband - I am married to him for the whole of my life, even if he died tomorrow - hows that for an extreme monogamy fetish Hmm.

"and even if that is releastic are we certain that it represents a good life - a life lived to a full? the sort of life you wouild look back upon with unqualified pride? " For me, yes - finding someone good enough to devote my whole life to and who shares that view is the best thing in my life and I can only hope we spend the next 25 years as happy as the previous 25 , I am very proud that we have been faithful to each other since we were 17 years old and have only known each other.

And as for shimmery's proclamations on male fidelity, I can only say that she's never met my husband - I am 100% certain that he has been faithful to me, as his father was to his mother.

Saying that all men will cheat given the opportunity is ridiculous.

talleyrand · 20/08/2010 12:15

I don't dispute that's the way you feel Malifence, and good luck to you.

but, but, but ...

for otherpeople if you get to the end of your life and write your own obituary will you write "I lived my life to the full! I experienced as much as I could in this short time, I sucked at the marrow of life, I slept with one person, oh and before her I did once kiss another one when I was 15"

Is that convincing?

Is that life akin to never having travelled. "I decided I like Europe best, so I never bothered with Asia"

One a different note - i do think many married women with families don't have affairs because they lose confidence that they are attractive to men (not simply because they are inevitably older and heavier than when they dated, though that's part of it, but because they live in a marriage where where their husband no longer seems to fancy them, and after a while that saps the spirit.

Malificence · 20/08/2010 12:39

I don't equate life experience with how many or how few sexual partners a person has had - it's nothing like your travelling analogy.

Some people couldn't bear to think of having only one partner for a lifetime, that's fine as long as they are honest about it - what is dishonest and immoral is a person who promises fidelity when they know that they have no hope of ever keeping that promise.

My life is richer, not poorer, for only ever having one lover, as is his - but that is purely down to the two people involved, I recognise that not everyone finds their life partner so young or indeed even wants a life partner.

As for your last paragraph - many women on here do have affairs, precisely because their husbands are the ones "older and heavier" and are no longer interested in them sexually, that's what saps their confidence and sometimes drives them into an affair, not that it makes it any more acceptable than a man who has an affair because his wife is older/heavier .

Malificence · 20/08/2010 12:46

After reading your one and only other post I rather wish I hadn't wasted my time answering you.

TOSSER - now go "suck the marrow" out of that. Angry

If you are really having an affair with a MNer Hmm, I hope your wife takes you for every penny you have, and then some.

celticfairy101 · 20/08/2010 13:28

I don't think PdeB was discussing men who are serial cheaters. He did mention via the link that there was one couple in which the affair was fruitful and lead to a long lasting relationship. But it was the exception rather than the rule.

I agree with those posters who despise people who profess monogamy when they know they can't do it. It's deciet, dishonesty and mistrust right from the onset. What hope does a relationship based on that have?

And PdB was right. Women should have a kick ass approach to adultery. Too often they end up being walked on by taking them back, unless the bloke is willing to change. The pyschologist seemed to miss this point.

Oh and this applies to women who cheat as well.

talleyrand · 21/08/2010 07:56

i may be a tosser, malificence, but I won't be the only person on MN who is having an affair - just the only one prepared to admit it and discuss it.

affairs are a fact of life, lots of people have them. Normal people, not people with horns and and forked tails; sometimes people who never thought they would have an affair in a million years, have an affair.

I think it is interesting to explain why, how is it that we live in a world where countless people will express 100% unwavering hostility to the idea, and then do it.

singledomisgood · 21/08/2010 08:14

Talleyrand, why are you having an affair?

Why not just end your marriage or stay and agree with your partner that you both take it in turns to shag whoever you want?

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 08:28

Both men and women can be tempted to have affairs, sometimes due to dissatisfaction with their relationships- but perhaps the consequences and risks for women used to be greater in the past.... perhaps some of these values persist even though women are more sel;f reliant than say 100 years ago.

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 08:37

I am not defending nor am I prepared to judge people who have affairs...I am fairly neutral on the subject although I grew up feeling very sad for my mom as my dad had several women.....I think some people stay together for all sorts of reasons such as financial, or thinking that it will be best for the children. I can't say that I would have preferred my parents to split up we, otherwise, had a sound and supportive upbringing with very good education etc.....I think my mom made sacrifices here and I feel sorry for her. But I think she preferred and still prefer to be with my (charismatic) lovable dad....

singledomisgood · 21/08/2010 08:54

But, TDiddy, how would you have felt if your mum had also had affairs while your dad sat at home looking after you and your siblings?

And would your father have been so accepting if he found out?

How would you have felt if both adults were deceiving each other and lying about there whereabouts?

I am just curious to know because surely trust and honesty are essential to a relationship.

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 09:28

singledomisgood - I am NOT saying that my dad was right. I also recognise that this was not the ideal life for my mom.

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 09:30

I am just saying that RL is not quite as black and white as our moral values.

singledomisgood · 21/08/2010 09:33

TDiddy, I wasnt implying that.

I am just interested as you say you experienced this is a child. I was not challenging you, I just wonder how you would have felt about it if that had happened.

They are genuine questions.

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 10:36

singledomisgood - okay, i see. I think that society would have judged my mom more harshly than my dad for playing away. Some of that view may have rubbed of on us as children. I recall that we felt sorry about my mom's hurt and if there were any arguments (they weren't actually that many, considering); sorry about those.

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 10:42

I think those were different times though where women might have felt as though they had less choice if only due to society views .....?

Mamanevertoldme · 21/08/2010 10:47

UnquietDad - I like your posts. They are refreshing.

happiestblonde · 21/08/2010 11:34

Malificence I'm with you

I'll never cheat on DP because I love him, end of. I know 100% I could leave him in a room with naked hotties (and no chance of getting caught) and he wouldn't even look.

Cynicism isn't attractive.

singledomisgood · 21/08/2010 12:42

As TDiddy said, things were different in the past and maybe harder for women to leave a marriage.

What I don't understand is why people bother to get married in the first place, if they dont want monogamy for the rest of their lives. In this day and age, there is nothing wrong with staying single forever(especially for men) and just having sex when they want it. Why go into a relationship? No one is forcing them to do so.

UnquietDad · 21/08/2010 12:52

It's not a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it - maybe more of realising that you have baked a cake, and although it is a very NICE jam sponge you can very easily wonder what it is like not eating jam sponge for a change.

Metaphor now stretched to snapping point.

Mamanevertoldme - well, thank you. Some people don't agree, but that is the nature of this place!

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 13:37

Many men and women aspire to the values that UnquietDad suggests....just commenting on RL imperfections that some relationships survive/ accomodate. I witnessed such imperfection in my childhood....I don't know the full answer to why my dad played away so much; a man who is loved by so many friends and family fir his generosity - he spent so much of his life helping others.....in RL people can be complex.....

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 13:43

.....To give you an idea; my parents had many children together ( over 6 children - don't want to be specific to preserve my ID- Catholic)...I have no idea how that was for either of them.....

countingto10 · 21/08/2010 14:19

TDiddy, the book "Not Just Friends" (the infidelity bible Wink) suggests some people who have affairs like to rescue people, maybe your dad was a sucker for a "damsel in distress" as he spent a lot of his time helping people.

My DH recognised this trait in himself, he wanted to help/rescue the OW (I call her a "dumsel in distress" Wink), he now knows to he reserve his "rescuing" traits to his family and friends only and not to random women with sob stories !

TDiddy · 21/08/2010 17:17

countingto10 - that is an interesting theory for me to reflect on. Maybe I should read that book.

singledomisgood - thinking about your earlier question, my dad having other women wasn't so much of a problem for us children as any resultant marital conflict. It is possible that my mom shielded us from some of this. It is also possible that she didn't mind as much as one would expect. I sometimes worry that she has pent up resentment but you wouldn't say that she is a bitter person.