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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp could not have jacked me off more if he had put together a team of psychologists!

55 replies

colditz · 27/08/2005 13:27

He has got himself a provident loan, but that's ok, it's not for him, it's for someone at work.

So we now owe provident £660.

But that's ok, of course the bloke at work will pay it back.

I am utterly flabbergasted. I knew he was not the brightest star in the sky, but I had no idea he could be quite this stupid. And to try and ^lie6 about it when confronted.

I made him promise in April that he will never again get a loan or credit cad, or HP agreement of any kind without consulting me first. He has no financial sense whatsoever.

I am dreading him coming home from work, I don't think I can control myself, and I have to work tonight.

For those that don't know, we live in HA accomadation, we have a toddler and a baby on the way.

He knows, because I have told him, that the easiest way to push me over the edge to a nervous breakdown is to get loans out that we can't pay back.

To top it all off, the "bloke at work" has gone on holiday to another country with this money, as dp knew he was going to. We have never been abroad, we have never been able to afford to.

I feel utterly angry, betrayed, cheated and unloved. if he loved me how could he overlook me with something as big as this?

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 13:35

Oh, ple3ase help or I'm gong to kill him.....

OP posts:
mancmum · 27/08/2005 13:36

I personally would ignore all the advice you are bound to get and just kill him -- I am with you...

lummox · 27/08/2005 13:37

sorry - couldn't think of a solution other than violence.

sounds absolutely terrible.

fairyfly · 27/08/2005 13:39

Sounds like he has a problem being excepted and he is looking to please people. Does he know this man well at all? Are they close? It's hard top say what to do without knowing his personality, the men i know that pull stunts like that just don't want to ask their wives for permission and are trying to hang on to independance.
Get your own bank account i would say.

anorak · 27/08/2005 13:43

Mt dh's first thought is does the bloke at work really exist?

Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 14:09

I honestly think the bloke at work does exsist, because I know the bloke he says it is. Also, we went shopping yesterday and if dp had had hundreds of pounds in his wallet, he would not have restrained himself. That is how I have found out about previous loans - his spending patterns change drastically.

We already have seperate bank accounts. There is no way I would give this man access to my hard earned wages.

God that sounds awful. I'm having another baby with him, but won't let him have access to my bank account. What kind of prat does that make me

OP posts:
edam · 27/08/2005 14:17

Is it in dp's name only? (Presumably unless he forged your signature). Then at least (I think) you aren't legally liable for it. Still reduces the amount of money your dp brings home though. I'd be spitting feathers, frankly. This is no way to behave. Can you make an appointment with Relate, to try to knock it into his stupid head that this is just not on? Is there anyway you can speak to bloke at work to check dp is telling you the truth?

Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 14:24

It's in Dp's name only.

Bloke has gone on holiday, otherwise I would be at his house, right now, demanding the money back. And if he wouldn't give it back, I would find his mum and tell her.

Who would ask a coworker for that amount of money, just to go on holiday with? That makes me doubt the story.

I have sobbed my heart out about this. Every £10 gone from his income is £10 I have to find from mine.

I have no problem with giving someone some help when they need it, but for a holiday?

If he made that up to try and appease me, he is even more stupid than I thought.

I have threatened to pack his bags if he ever did this to me again, and now he has done it. How can I not pack his bags and keep any credability or self respect? I will always think of myself as the girl who backs down

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catsmother · 27/08/2005 14:54

Colditz - I am so sorry for you, I don't know what to say, except I understand completely why you feel betrayed, hurt, angry and invisible. I'm sure you don't need telling that taking a loan out for someone else's benefit is one hell of a risk - and TBH, given the comparatively "small" sum involved, I'd be asking just why this colleague couldn't take out his own bloody loan ??!! I'd lay money on the fact his own credit rating is shot to pieces and that's why he's asked your DP. And that detail alone should be ringing great big alarm bells for your DP re: his ability and/or reliability in handing over the instalments due every month.

If this guy doesn't meet his promises, the loan company won't give a sh*t. They will persue DP and DP only. From what you've written, you've implied this guy is a young bloke as you mention dropping him in it with his mum. If you think there's any chance that his mum can bring influence to bear, I wouldn't delay, I'd go round and speak to her now - even if her son is still abroad. And please don't be deterred from doing this by your DP, who might feel embarrassed or whatever in front of his workmate - so bloody what - it's gone too far to worry about his sensibilities. After all, he didn't give you or your children any thought in this matter did he ?

As to what you do now re: your relationship, only you know. Personally, I don't think I could ever forgive a breach of trust like this, particularly when it's of a nature where the household "ground rules" have already been discussed and firmly established. I wish you luck.

SherlockLGJ · 27/08/2005 15:02

Excellent post Catsmother (brilliant name)

Personally I would pack him an overnight bag and ask him to go whilst you review the situation.

If he has to sleep in the car or on someones sofa for one or two nights, it may concentrate his mind.

And you will have followed through your threat by packing his bags (if only long enough to give him a severe fright)

LGJ

cupcakes · 27/08/2005 15:15

oh god - really feel for you. Echo all sentiments including kicking him out for a night or two. As soon as this guy gets back he has to set up some kind of payment plan, like a standing order. It does sound like your dp doesn't know how to say 'no'. I can't believe anyone would ask for a favour like this, for a holiday.

Freckle · 27/08/2005 15:31

Did DP get anything in writing about this loan? ie.. the loan to the work mate, not the loan with the finance company. If not, what's to stop this lad from denying he owes you the money?

I have to say that, if you have made it clear what the consequences would be if he did this again, you have to stick to your guns or he'll do it again in the future, knowing you won't do anything.

What a tw*t.

steffee · 27/08/2005 15:32

Anyone can get provident loans though can't they, why didn't the other bloke get it himself?

Is your dp the kind of person to do whatever he can for a friend? If so, at least there's a quality about him. Could it be possible he owes this money to the bloke at work, or someone else? But he just didn't want you to know.

My dh is hopeless with money too and I hate the fact that it's always me who has to sort problems out, I have sympathy for you in this situation.

jac34 · 27/08/2005 15:49

Perhaps you should insist the guy pays back the money the minute he gets back, even if it means him taking out a loan,or even his mother, only allow DP back if he agrees to do this ASAP.

However, I also think it sounds strange, and would second whoever said that perhaps DP owes the guy the money.

Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 21:31

Well, update.

Dp has gone to stay at a friend's house for the night, leaving me in floods of tears.

I don't think he is going to come back. his mate has just split up with his girlfriend too, and I can just picture them going out and pulling some "birds" to "teach them a lesson". My dad walked out on my mum 2 years ago and he never went back to her.

I am just utterly distressed by the whole thing. I don't know if to trust him, to hate him, to forgive him, or what.

OP posts:
rickman · 27/08/2005 21:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 21:38

No, didn't talk about it any further. When I got in from work he had already phoned his mate to pick him up.

He has taken his best jacket out with him as well. He is going for a night out, I know it.

If I didn't love him, he would be dead by now. I am shellshocked. I don't want to be a single parent at 9 weeks pregnant. This is not how it was supposed to go.

OP posts:
rickman · 27/08/2005 21:40

Message withdrawn

snafu · 27/08/2005 21:43

It sounds like he knows he is in deep shit and these are avoidance tactics. Do you really think he won't come back? How did you find out about it in the first place?

If you're not married and your name isn't on the loan agreement, then you personally shouldn't be liable for anything, but obviously that's cold comfort when it means your joint income is going to be affected anyway. And that's not to mention the obvious trust issue...

God, I really feel for you - and am trying to restrain my comments regarding your dp...

turquoise · 27/08/2005 21:46

Do you really think he might pull just to 'teach you a lesson'?
I really feel for your situation, but honestly think here that he's the one who needs 'teaching a lesson', hard and sharp - as in finding the door locked when he gets home and a lot of promises to be made and kept before he gets back in.

Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 21:49

I opened his letter from provident.

Sounds ridiculous I know, but I knew he was up to something because I had a very vivid dream last night that he was having an affair, I know it sounds absurd.

I think he is going to find life with his single mate much easier than life as a father and father to be. That's why I think he won't come back.

OP posts:
rickman · 27/08/2005 21:59

Message withdrawn

Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 22:01

No, he has gone because of the row. he says he needs to think about what he has done.

I don't think he will be thinking at all. I think he will get pissed and decide it's all my fault.

OP posts:
steffee · 27/08/2005 22:10

Colditz, I really feel for you in this situation.

He knows he's done wrong and I don't know why he did it, but can only think he's done this as a way of saying to you "look I can do what I want, I don't have to answer to you", i.e. control. Now you've found out, he's exerting more power by going out, making out he's leaving, when he's really going for a night out, spending more money he can't afford.

Is he usually like this? Or is he stressed atm, maybe finding it hard coming to terms with another baby? If so, he'll come to his senses soon enough.

If he's usually like this, then you have to ask yourself if you can put up with it forever. I know that's hard to do, especially when you love him and your heart says one thing, but your brain says another.

If you really think he might not come back because life will be easier for him if he doesn't, it sounds like life might be easier for you too!! You can do without another baby to look after.

Sorry if I'm being harsh, I really don't mean to be, and I do sympathise.

Original poster
colditz · 27/08/2005 22:12

I think he might not come back because he is a little bit scared of the verbal he will get until I have calmed down.

thankyou everyone for your posts... my life is like the Trisha Show ATM - such trivial things that annoy me so much!

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