Do you think they ever leave their wives

[kittya]

Some one I know (not too personally, thank god) has been seeing a MM, if you can call it seeing, the odd night every other month for Nine, yes, nine years. I just got too wondering, now his dc are at 6th form age, will he leave his wife for her? Or, is there ever a time when they do? Looking at these threads blokes do clear off all the time for OW so, how can it be a myth that men never leave their wifes for OW?

Although, I think nine years is a terrible waste of time!!

my neighbour (when I was child/teen) was having an affair with MM and used to call him by a different name except we all knew his real name.

Don't think she wanted him to leave his W either. She was a widow and he used to come round about once or twice a week.

And probably why he kept going back for more!!

Its nice to have an older friend like that.

Originally she told me he was her brother and then her financial advisor!

Sincitylover - think we must live in the same place!

Kittya - she left me 1/3rd of her estate but I'd have her back any day! She was great.

Exactly - not all women in affairs are waiting desperately for the bloke to leave his wife. The 9 years the OP talks about are not a terrible waste of time, but a time of good sex, friendship, intimacy and possibly love - without the boring routine bits.

My great-uncle had an affair with my great-aunt for over 30 years (probably closer to 40 thinking about it) before they finally got together.

He had just got married when they met and he 'didn't believe in divorce'. He married my great-aunt when his first wife died and they had a very short but ultimately very happy (rest of) life together. There were no children involved at all.

Can't make up my mind if it's terribly romantic or terribly sad - probably a bit of both

I think its fine if you dont want children, to meet someone later on in life when you just want companionship without the ties must be nice.

9 years might not be a waste of time for her but they might be when she hits her 40's and realises that he will only have one lot of children and they wont be hers. I do hope she feels a little bit guilty even if she is having fun!!! As you may have guessed, shes not a very nice person!!

PTACOM - Y'see I think that's just a little bit bonkers. No children on either side yet they spend all those years apart, for the sake of living a lie to a poor woman who might have had a chance of being happier with someone else. I'm sure she was happy enough but why not nip it in the bud early in those circumstances, and not too much harm done?

kittya/commune - agree, if you are very independent and really not fussed about kids or already have them, then it can be the 'perfect' relationship in many respects. I think many women start out feeling that way but over time it just starts to 'bug' them and they feel abit second class. It's things like holidays and Christmas that do it. And when he's not available to be your 'plus one' for important things.

I'm sounding like I know alot about this don;t I? Don't honest, just imagining.

It's the lying to the wife. I have slept with married men in the past but only once had a relationship - an affair. I was young. Since I wasn't interested in him long-term, I hadn't really given much thought to his missus. Then she came to a function, which I attended in my own right. I saw her scanning the crowd with that tense, "stretched" sort of look - and just knew she was trying to spot which girl it was this time. I really saw her pain :(

Knocked it on the head the following day, and have never done it again. He atually left her for the girl after me - I hope she agrees he did her a favour!!

Believe me, I see the appeal of a living-apart liaison and would like one myself. But I couldn't bear being a part of someone else's agony like that; I've now been the cheated wife myself (more than once) and felt just like that woman did. Although I don't feel the OW is ever responsible for the guy's marriage - it's my personal choice not to 'play'. I guess it would be different if the wife knew, and I knew she was okay with it. But that's very rare.

Anyway, I've gone off topic. Sorry, OP.

I've done that too in my younger days. Several times. I would never have done anything to jeopodise their security (like being demanding, turing up at places, phoning the house, outing him, etc., though. I knew the deal - it suited me, and I stuck to it.)

I took the view that a man's marriage was his responsibility, not mine, and I was a symptom, not a cause.

I still do believe that TBH, but being older and wiser and a mum myself now I would think differently if I ever found myself single and on the market again.

My allegience would always be with the woman first I think. I'm not saying I wouldn't have a no-strings shag, (he's going to do that anyway, whether it's me or someone else) but I don't think I'd pursue a situation where ultimately a family needed to be broken up because I was in the equation.

I hope not anyway. And I hope I never need to test myself on that one!

So, the answer to the original question is that mostly they dont leave but sometimes they do? Thanks, its been interesting!

I haven't posted yet on this thread as I have been interested in people's replies to the original question.

I my case my exh left me for OW following a 3/4 year affair, when I found out.

He stated that he would never have left, didn't think he would ever be caught, complacency as he had got away for it for so long.

On the empty nest idea, he also said that if the DC had been at home he wouldn't have had the affair, DC are at Uni.

I try not to ask any more why questions of him, I know I will never get the truth. We did have a happy marriage (I know some of you would say it couldn't have been) and I can't place when things changed.

I know they do leave, but I think age has a lot to do with it. My exh is 44, young enough to start again. I have a friend whose dad had a 10 year affair but on discovery didn't leave as he was in his early 60s, he said he was too old to leave.

I think it was Fellatio mentioned the effect on future relationships with DC. I am watching my DC relationship with their Dad fall apart, very sad, they hate OW and struggle to deal with him. All very sad.

If they are going to leave, it is usually at the very beginning of the affair, ie, in the first few weeks. because sadly most men in unhappy marriages darent leave their wives until they have something to leave "for".

but men who carry on affairs for years and years will more then likely never leave because they are probably reasonably happy at home but just like the thrill of sleeping with someone else as well. and I expect in a lot of cases there is not just the one "other woman". so in your friends case, OP, i doubt her MM will ever leave. sad for all involved really.

Yes I do...my now husband left his wife after 6 weeks

have name changed as i am a regular and know most people's opinions on here on affairs

but like you dontdilly - my husband left his ex wife after 6 weeks of us seeing eachother, he was very unhappy with her and as someone else said above, our affair was his catalyst for leaving. 3 years on we are happily married with a baby of our own.

sometimes relationships overlap, its life.

Six weeks for me too. There must be something in that. Though in my case no children were involved.

six weeks after meeting them? goodness me, do you think they were going to leave anyway?

No, not after meeting him in my case. We had known one another for about a year, through work, and were already friends. It took six weeks from the first physical indiscretion. And it was our only physical indiscretion to be honest. The rest of the relationship after that was a series of clandestine lunchtime meetings (alway in pubs and bars, so no opportunity for sex) where there would be the odd stolen kiss and lots of secret hand-holding and soppy lovelorn eye gazing. He would say 'I'm only here today to tell you this has to stop - I'm married' and I would say 'Yes I know, you told me that yesterday - but you still asked me to meet you for lunch today. And I said no, and you begged, remember?'

Then, after about a week of us actually managing to stay apart (a bit difficult when you work about 30 feet away!) he phoned me at midnight to tell me he would be on my doorstep at 9am with his stuff. and that was that. Almost 20 years ago. I had slept with him once, and kissed him about six times! It sounds implausible I know - but it's true. We married 18 months later.

So 3 men on this thread alone who left after 6 wks... and loads who still haven't left after nine years.

fellatio...awwww

thats a lovely story, in your case i think he would have left anyway. i am so glad to hear that you are still together and happy xx

in my case we had known eachother a few months, through work. i was with someone else but nothing serious. me and MM were friends and had loads in common and used to talk all the time. i did have a bit of a thing for him but never made it obvious. and it turned out so did he, but he never said anything either, neither of us had any idea the other one fancied them! he would tell me and our other friends he was unhappy at home and not getting on with his wife. he was selling his house as they were in loads of debt and they were going to move into rented accomadation and pay off their debts, then he was planning to leave once they had done that so his ex could claim benefits etc as she didn't work.

I split up with my bloke and not long after, MM confessed he had strong feelings for me and i admitted the same. we went on a few dates and quickly started falling in love. we just couldnt stay away from eachother. it was actually about 4 weeks after our first date that he left home (6 weeks from telling me he liked me). he rented a room off a mate but ended up basically living with me from day one. the first day he had officially moved out he told me he loved me and 3 years later we are still as crazy about eachother as when we first met, if not more so. and even more crazy about our beautiful one year old daughter. he proposed 18 months ago and we are getting married in vegas early next year.

Feels horrid having this 'happy' stories on the back of someone else's unhappiness, but it happens. It's life. I don't envy people having to make these decisions when there are children involved though - it's stressful enough without!

it sounds like children are indeed the reason some affairs do go on for years and years and if you meet a MM without them then there is a chance it could go much further? My friends husband left her after two months, after ten years of living together. OW was pregnant within a month of them leaving their partners.

So perhaps not all men are complete pigs. I mean, some blokes genuinely are committed to their family life but just arent in love with their wives anymore. Maybe children are the clue. I guess when you hear of blokes being "trapped" its does happen sometimes.

A friend of mine started seeing a MM and he left his wife for her after 6 weeks too.

children?

It takes all sorts. My friend's dad (early forties) left his wife out the blue for OW. They reckon hes been with OW for very long time - 9-13 years. Tho she was married as well. The leaving coincided with his youngest finishing school but before she went to uni, so the timing for your friend could actually be right.

Maybe if your friend wants this man to leave then she develop interests outside of their 'relationship', men dont tend to leave their wives if they can have cake and eat it too. Tho I suppose it depends on the circs.

shes not my friend just some appears in my circle now and again, just loitering in the background looking very smug with herself.