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Original poster

Do you think they ever leave their wives

106 replies

kittya · 13/08/2010 19:22

Some one I know (not too personally, thank god) has been seeing a MM, if you can call it seeing, the odd night every other month for Nine, yes, nine years. I just got too wondering, now his dc are at 6th form age, will he leave his wife for her? Or, is there ever a time when they do? Looking at these threads blokes do clear off all the time for OW so, how can it be a myth that men never leave their wifes for OW?

Although, I think nine years is a terrible waste of time!!

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 13/08/2010 22:24

I know a bloke at uni who's parents got divorced in his first year. It seems his dad was having an affair and was waiting for him to leave home (he's the youngest) but don't know how long it had been going on for.

After 9 years though, he'd have left his wife if he ever was going to, surely?

Original poster
kittya · 13/08/2010 22:30

did his dad leave for the woman he was having an affair with?

OP posts:
AlisonDubois · 13/08/2010 22:53

Look the truth is he will carry on having his cake blah blah blah until his wife finds out. When she does she will either forgive him or kick him out. Until then the other woman will have to put up or shut up i'm afraid.
While ever a man can get away with having a bit on the side he will. If he was really in love with OW he would have left his wife long ago.

Original poster
kittya · 13/08/2010 23:03

its amazing what they get away with

OP posts:
Eurostar · 14/08/2010 00:34

I read once that the two most common times for marriage break ups are 1) when there is a small baby 2) when empty nest syndrome sets in.

Eurostar · 14/08/2010 00:34

I meant new baby...not "small"

Original poster
kittya · 14/08/2010 00:39

empty nest would fit in then. I guess that would not necessarily mean they had met someone though, probably just two people wondering what they have in common with each other anymore. Sad.

OP posts:
maryz · 14/08/2010 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kittya · 14/08/2010 00:46

That is such a sad story. And I can see how it could happen. Did she not at any point tell him what she wanted?

Yes, Im sure she does know but some women can live with different types of marriages I suppose.

OP posts:
commeuneimage · 14/08/2010 01:46

Maybe she likes the relationship as it is and doesn't want him to leave his wife and set up home with her. It's not necessarily the case that she wants to lure him away, surely.

ItsGraceActually · 14/08/2010 02:16

Both my Hs did - with my encouragement.

I know a woman in a 'relationship' like this - it's been going on from before he got married. She reckons he loves her more than his wife and, bizarrely, I agree with her. All the same, she's the one having a swift shag every six weeks or so while his wife has the marriage. Two fucked-up people and one woman who's going to be very upset one day, I fear!

My amateur analysis is that this woman & her MM are both seriously bonkers (there's a reason why she's an ex-friend) so he's done the wiser thing by marrying a perfectly nice, sane woman. Maybe they'll get together when they're very much older; who knows? (Who cares?)

Alouiseg · 14/08/2010 02:24

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

My neighbour waited till his youngest was 18 and walked out on his wife of 20 years for another woman.

I know someone else who has been in a ltr with a mm, she is also married. He is desperate to leave his wife but she won't leave her husband.

FellatioNelson · 14/08/2010 10:11

I think in the case of the OP's friend this man will probably never leave. It sounds as though it's purely sexual/recreational for him, and so far it's worked very efficiently for him, hasn't it?

The question is, what would he do if his wife found out? As the long-term OW you can never really know whether he's come to you for good because he's made a choice, or he's come to you for good because his wife has kicked him out and he's got nothing to lose. He's hardly going to volunteer that information, is he?Wink

But for some, who genuinely fall deeply in love but cannot make the break at home because they feel guilty, it can drag on for years, and as Alouiseg said, they may finally make the break when the children are older.

emmyloulou · 14/08/2010 10:18

How it works in the case I know of and has done for 20 years.

His wife knows but turns a blind eye. He promised and promised to leave.

Always an excuse, kids too young, kids at school, kids at college, kids at uni, to expensive now to divorce, risk to finances. There is always a reason not to leave.

In her case he has made her reliant on him, getting her to give up her job/career to be a mistress at home. She is now like his pet toy at home. Kind of like the abused mistress if you like, she can't go out, have a job, waits all day for him, lost contact with her grown up kids and is financially dependant on him.

FellatioNelson · 14/08/2010 10:20

And it is not unknown for an OW to wait years for a man who doesn't leave - and then he does leave - but not for her, for someone else!

Only the OW can know, deep down, whether she is a serious contender, or a merely a very accomodating minor diversion.

Some women do seem to be remarkably dim in diagnosing this though, in spite of all the glaring symptoms.Shock

MissAnneElk · 14/08/2010 10:23

One of my work colleagues had an affair with a married man - also a work colleague. They met for lunch and after work drinks most days. They went on a fair few holidays together. He told his wife it was a business trip, although I'm not sure how he explained the shortage of annual leave. He did go on an annual holiday with his family too. This went on for ten years or more. He always said he would leave when his children left school and he did!

They are now married. I used to be told more than I wanted to know about the relationship. She couldn't understand why the children refused to speak to her once it was out in the open.

FellatioNelson · 14/08/2010 10:26

Never underestimate the children's ability to bear a grudge forever towards anyone complicit in ruining their idyll! Including their own parent!

FellatioNelson · 14/08/2010 10:32

It may be unfair, but it's always a very real possibility that your relationship with your child will be damaged forever, or for a very long time by your breaking up their family with an affair. I've seen it dozens of times, children refusing to speak to their own father or mother for years, or grudgingly accepting their parent's behaviour but hating the step-parent with a fiery passion, and doing everything they can to convey that message.

If you are not prepared to take that risk, and take it on the chin, then don't mess around in a marriage. It's simple.

Original poster
kittya · 14/08/2010 13:18

The reason why I think this woman is a convienient lay is because this guy has the odd one night stand when she's not around. Nine years though?! From what I heard she even got married in that time but it was short lived.

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 14/08/2010 14:36

emmylou the issue is whether or not he (or whoever) is unhappy in the marriage,and unhappy in with the situation. In your friends case it doesn't sound like he is at all unhappy. I imagine after a few years it becomes remarkably easy if no-one is kicking up a fuss and demanding that you choose, now, today.

When you can no longer stand the sight and touch of your spouse, you don't enjoy their company or respect their values, and your children are old enough to be relatively self-sufficient - you leave. If you don't leave then, it's because you just don't want to, not because you can't. And some people who on paper 'can't' leave, do so anyway, because they put themselves first.

Karmann · 14/08/2010 18:17

Well they do but I agree with others, it's usually in the early days.

My neighbour had an affair with a MM for 31 years but it suited her. He wanted to leave his wife for her but she didn't want him to. She's dead now and he's devastated.

FellatioNelson · 14/08/2010 18:23

I knew a woman like that, except it was him that died. It was very difficult because she couldn't go to his funeral or anything.

Karmann · 14/08/2010 18:29

No he didn't come to the funeral but sent flowers. Everybody kept asking who the flowers were from. I used to call him Mr Lover Lover but I couldn't tell them that!

She was a wicked old woman but I loved her.

Original poster
kittya · 14/08/2010 21:38

she sounds like it suited her just fine!!Smile

OP posts:
Karmann · 14/08/2010 23:05

Oh she was such fun! She was widowed at about 48, fought and beat breast cancer, said 'she'll die wonderin' about any girl she thought 'plain' and was such a laugh!