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Original poster

WWIFN etc.... can you help me with a post affair privacy issue?

23 replies

AuntieMaggie · 13/08/2010 17:10

Ok so get home from work this afternoon and I open DPs mobile bill. Firstly given his history AIBU to do this?

Anyway, I did this a few months ago and there was this number on there that he texted about 50 times some days. So confronted him, it is a woman who is a member of the same footy club as him and lives miles away (and i have met). He agreed it was excessive and agreed to cut it down.

So today the same number is on there about 30 times a day. So I ask him about it and he gets sarky about me opening his post. I ask him if he's cheating and he said no. SO I asked for his pc password and he's refusing to give it to me because he's entitled to his privacy.

So should he be entitled to this privacy?

OP posts:
piratecat · 13/08/2010 17:11

your op line says about a post affair, did he have an affair of any type with her?

SilaNaGeige · 13/08/2010 17:24

If he had an affair, translucency is important.

Everyone's entitled to privacy but similarly, everyone's entitled to honesty.

So if (eg. due to an affair) he has a track record for deceit then it is reasonable to request that he prove he is now trustworthy, by being more open (less private).

Original poster
AuntieMaggie · 13/08/2010 17:34

No he didn't have an affair with her, it was with someone else. Although it was 16 months ago we're still working through it.

I think he should be more open and by refusing to give me his password its just made me suspicious.

Now he's asking whether we're still going to b like this when we're pensioners Hmm

OP posts:
ComedyOfErrors · 13/08/2010 17:35

"he agreed it was excessive and agreed to cut it down" .. did he have an explanation for the 50+ texts a day? What was he texting about?

Original poster
AuntieMaggie · 13/08/2010 17:39

football.... he's obsessed with it admittedly - spends hours on the team site and forum almost as much as he's obsessed with his blackberry/xbox/laptop/anything remotely techy/geeky....

I have met her at a few matches and tbh she isn't his type at all (though I could be wrong) and she lives in the teams home town (100s of miles away)

OP posts:
SilaNaGeige · 13/08/2010 17:44

He is not responding to your post affair needs adequately.

Texting an O-OW, following the original affair is not the behaviour of someone who has the best interests of his primary relationship at heart.

If he does not realise that this behaviour potentially jeopardises the recovery of your relationship, I think you have an issue that may well remain unresolved beyond your pensions.

piratecat · 13/08/2010 17:45

well 50 is excessive, i can't imagine each and every one of those texts is about, even if it's 30 is about footy.

It's about them having a relationship thru extensive communication, and tbh given his track record, he really shouldn't be annoyed if you are asking about it.

countingto10 · 13/08/2010 17:47

If he had nothing to hide, why would he not show/tell you his passwords, phone etc. He had the affair and he should be doing everything to reassure. TBH 30 texts a day (if it is post affair) doesn't sound like he understands boundaries, your feelings etc, or indeed learnt anything.

My DH had a real problem with lying, full on lies and by omission. He had spent his whole life lying and being secretive (very dysfunctional childhood). Whilst he had ceased all contact with OW, we still had problems months down the line with his continue "little" lies (I could always tell when he was doing it Hmm) - it was a part of who he was/had been. It took a while for him to stop, with many challenges by me about why it wasn't acceptable, how it made me feel and that he needed to understand why he did it. It was about him looking at himself.

Challenge your DH and don't back down. If there is one thing I have learnt following my DH's affair, it is that I will now challenge his behaviour and will not accept any bulls**t, defensive behaviour, manipulation etc.

Good luck.

greentriangle · 13/08/2010 17:49

My DH had an affair which I found out about 5 months ago. If I asked to see phone/email stuff, I would expect him to oblige immediately and without complaint. Your DH has betrayed you in the recent past so he cannot expect you to just blindly trust him at this stage.

Fine to open mobile bill BTW.

30 or 50 texts a day is totally out of order.

ComedyOfErrors · 13/08/2010 17:56

50+ and 30+ texts a day to an OW is far too many, even if they are all football related (tho that's Hmm )

Having cheated on you in the recent past he should taking every opportunity to prove he can be trusted and that he's worthy of your forgiveness.

And he's certainly forfeited the right to bleat about privacy imo

hairytriangle · 13/08/2010 18:04

Yes it sounds dodgy. No you're not entitled to his password. If 30 and 50 texts to a woman he's already agreed is excessive doesn't tell you something, then looking at his pc won't either

Not fine to open the mobile bill, but not illegal either.

I think you need to really think about what your issues around leaving him are - clearly you can't trust him.

PeppermintPasty · 13/08/2010 18:21

He's out of order. Don't worry about getting his password, concentrate on the proof you have got ie of too much texting (esp. in circumstances) that may be, or may be leading to, an affair. Doesn't sound good, I'm really sorry to say.

countingto10 · 13/08/2010 18:25

I think it also says a lot about what he feels about you and your relationship. My DH wanted to be completely open with me wrt to mobiles, emails, deleting his facebook a/c etc, because he wanted to show he loves me, wanted to make me feel as secure as possible and wanted to repair our marriage.

We also did things to change our relationship eg we use to sit with our laptops on our laps in the evening watching tv and not talking to each other. Now we don't go on the laptops in the evening at all, we recognised that it sort of erodes the relationship IYSWIM. The fact that he is "addicted" to his laptop, blackberry etc and is not trying to limit his addiction would suggest he is not trying to make any changes to help the marriage, especially as it appears to be upsetting you.

atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 18:28

Maggie, I've just read the other thread where your partner admitted to an affair.

You HAVE to drop him now. He will do this again and again and you will have a life living on egg shells.

rewardgirl · 13/08/2010 18:54

I agree with most of the other posters here. If my DP texted an OW 30/50 times a day, his bags would be packed and outside waiting for him before he even got home.

Football, my *rse...

Really sorry - you have my full sympathies. Been there, done that. Bloomin' awful. But Atswim is right - continuing on with someone who has so little regard / consideration for you will only wear you down until you no longer recognise who you used to be. Don't leave it too late...

[BIG hugs]

abedelia · 13/08/2010 19:00

Maggie, like counting's, my H now over explains anything that might be seen as being remotely dodgy or in any way related in anything to do with OW, their old workplace etc.

Your H clearly does not have a clue about what he has done and what this means. He also seems very lacking in remorse, not to mention clueless about boundaries, whereas he should now be very clear (and would be, if he was really sorry).

Okay, he likes football, but 50 texts a day??? WTF? How does he find time to work or for the family when doing that? Clearly he is still seeking escapism outside normal life.

And while she may not be 'his type', I bet that with the rest of the world thinking he's a useless, cheating a-hole (and possibly saying so), positive attention and flattery from anyone are very beguiling.

I'm sorry, but I would put money on the fact he's been up to no good. He wanted to live with you again, and thereby agreed to your rules of exclusivity. In that case, privacy has to be earned back so he has NO RIGHTS, given his actions.

Don't let him try and bamboozle you. Just repeat "Give me your password or start moving out".

Mumi · 13/08/2010 19:02

If you agreed to him cutting down the texts rather than cutting them out, he thinks he's getting around you by technically doing just what you've asked.

I'm in a LDR. Myself and DP send each other barely 3 texts a day, let alone 30, because there isn't anything we can't talk over the phone about, so maybe you should be asking him exactly why they, as supposedly just friends, can't do the same.

It doesn't matter it's 1 text or 100 if the content's unfaithful.

Original poster
AuntieMaggie · 13/08/2010 20:51

Woah....

Ok a little bit tipsy here but...

I have an idea why he doesn't want me to have his password... maybe he is up to no good but rather than argue about it this weekend I'm going to bring it up at our counselling session this week....

I know he looks at pictures of big women on the internet and I also know he gets very embarrassed about it (especially when I take the piss out of him for it).

We message eah other all the time, though we both have blackberries so its free.

Am going to see if he'll log into his account for me and let me look at his phone....

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntieMaggie · 13/08/2010 20:59

:(

I don't know what to think. He says it's the only privacy he has, but the more he refuses the more I worry.

He says why would ha have just spent thousands on a new bathroom and be paying for couselling if he were cheating and didn't want to be with me. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntieMaggie · 13/08/2010 21:31

ok he gave me his password...

was as I thought he was embarrassed about rude pics h'd been looking at!

I don't care about that, and I hop now we've both had acry he understands where I'm coming from

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 23:57

So the texts are about football?

Original poster
AuntieMaggie · 14/08/2010 09:50

yep....

i think part of the problem is she is privvy to lots of team gossip and as we live so far away he doesn't get to see them play very often...

it's hard to explain but i have sat here and listened to him have the same conversations about football with his dad over and over, dissecting everything, speculting, etc.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 14/08/2010 10:09

Sounds unhealthy from both sides tbh.

He has had an affair and is texting someone else a fair bit. He also has a sexual liking towards big women judging by your posts.

Taking the piss out of someones private fantasy is asking for secrecy issues, that does not shine you in glory either tbh.

Everyone or most have their sexual fantasies. His is obviously big women, his naughty secret if you like. It's not that uncommon in all honesty.

If you don't have an issue with him looking why mock him and take the piss?

Or do you have an issue with it, hence why you react like that, if so talk to him.

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