DP and FB (Yes another thread like this!)

[TinkerTailerS]

Name changed! (If you know who I am please dont out me)

Just wondered if this is me being paranoid as my (d)p says it is.

My DP often goes out with a group of friends. this includes his best friends girlfriend and one friend of hers.

This friend is too fully on I feel. her and my DP text alot. she has pics of them all over facebook. sends him flirty little messages.

the other day at 3am he updated his status to

Him: Cant sleep, sore throat

then there were loads of comments saying stuff then:-

Her: Get a nice warm drink. or put a film on x
Him: Nothing on x
Her: You've got nothing on?! x Wouldnt be the first time huh xx
Him: You know me, first chance and I'm stripping off xx
Her: No wonder you're bloody ill then ;P xx
Him: Your fault ;) Check your phone xx
Her: I'm in bed! xx
Him: Inbox then x

And he says this is ok cause its all up front.

She is exactly his type. he has said that if I hadnt got pregnant him and her more than likely be together (i got pregnant VERY quickly)

He's a prick right?

Good post skidoodly.

Tinker sorry you are hurting so much but it isn't his fault he doesn't love you, it appears he has tried to do the decent thing, insofar as he has provided a home and support for you whilst pregnant and more recently your DD. But you never had a relationship - not in the real sense of the word.

Leave with your dignity an dlet him get on with his life.

Well, I think this bloke could have acted a lot more honourably, actually. If he didn't want to be in a relationship with TT, he shouldn't have said that he did, and agreed to live together.

It's hardly "doing the decent thing" if he's out at pubs all night and sending lovelorn messages to someone else when his child is three sodding weeks old, is it? The man's hardly struggled nobly on for the children's sake, here. He's led TT on to believe that they had a lasting relationship, she's made life choices on that basis, and now she has a three week old and is being told that her partner wants to be with another woman and she has to find somewhere else to live.

That's not really defensible behaviour on his part. Either he should have been upfront right at the beginning, or he should have had the decency to at least saddle up and act like a man until the OP could get herself back on her feet. As it is, it sounds like he hasn't even felt the need to stay in and help with the baby for the first few weeks of its life, because he'd rather be out ogling at a burlesque dancer.

Both the adults who moved 3 children into the house of a virtual stranger have shown a huge lack of judgement here. Presumably they were mostly motivated by trying to do the right thing.

Saying that a mother who put her children in such a massively vulnerable position was "led on" is lazily casting her as a victim because she is a woman.

No, this man doesn't sound like catch of the year, but the OP hasn't even known him for a full year yet.

The whole situation is a big mess, and the OP must share responsibility for that. This isn't just about picking a bad 'un. This guy might be a very devoted partner in the right circumstances.

And nor is it about Facebook. To end up in this situation and to blame a social networking site shows a retreat from reality that is quite worrying in a mother of 4.

I haven't said anywhere that she is blameless. But we don't know the backstory here, and I do think that the only person who knew that he wasn't really committed and fancied another woman was the bloke. The OP, evidently, believed that the relationship was for keeps.

I don't think that saying "led on" is casting anyone as a victim, but the fact is that if he had doubts about the relationship - and he's clearly had feelings for another woman for a LONG time - he owed it to the OP to admit that before she chose to continue the pregnancy and move her existing children in with him. There is a disparity of power where there is a disparity of information.

And honestly, I think that a good 'un would have stuck it out longer than three weeks after the birth, during which time he's been boozing it up in the evenings and leaving the OP alone with a newborn and three other children, even if his heart isn't in it. I also think a good 'un would have raised his concerns with the OP, rather than trying to get another woman onside first, and behind the OP's back.

tortoiseshellonthehalfshell. What's living together mean in reality? To most people, nothing. It doesn't necessarily signal commitment. Nor does being anyone's 'partner'.

The only rock solid thing is marriage.
In the sense that there is no way that OP would feel pressurised to leave if wed to this guy. His house or not, he'd go.

Skidoodly I agree with you, but I do feel sorry for OP all the same and hope things work out for her.

I disagree, marantha, I think that agreeing to continue a pregnancy together, and move in together at the same time, signals a massive commitment. I understand that you have Views about marriage and legal protection, on which I don't necessarily disagree. But if you find yourself pregnant and your partner goes "oh well, great news, why not move in with me and we'll have the baby together and raise it as one big happy family" that's a commitment.

If you find yourself pregnant one month into a relationship and the man you have been seeing (even calling him a boyfriend is a bit premature) invites you to act out a commitment neither of you could possibly be expected to feel yet, you shouldn't be surpised when your relationship crumbles at the first test.

Committed is something you are, not something you do.

Two people acted as though the very fact of a pregnancy made them into a family without even a thought to how that family would work for its most vulnerable members.

How could a childless man have had the first notion of what he was signing up to here? Before you have children the work involved is not something you have necessarily thought about. It's not like he was planning a child.

Being naive enough to think your life can carry on as before post-children is naive, but not evil.

Being naive enough to move your 3 children in with a man you don't know shows a gobsmacking disregard fir their welfare. TBH finding out the man whose house you're living in has dodgy taste in entertainment is not a particularly bad outcome considering the risks.

tortoise you're right we don't know the back story: we don't know when and how they decided they would raise a baby together; what promises, if any, were made to the OP etc

But seriously for anyone to believe that a relationship that has at most only been in existence for 10mths is for keeps is naive in the extreme.

Tortoise and Skidoodly are both right.

Bad decisions were made by both from the start. Now the OP needs to sort herself out of the mess and learn for the future.

I do agree with skidoodly.

i also feel desperately sorry for the OP who must have not known where to turn and took what seemed to be the best /safest route

also, facebook is not the problem. cheating liars are the problem

people had affairs long before facebook., it just facilitates and makes the behaviour easier

Tinker - you have two choices:

leave, take charge of your life, be the best mother to your children.

Or stay and compromise your life/well being/happiness and mental health.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by going.

Ooh, thanks Eric, because I've come around to skidoodly's way of thinking. I was forgetting that only one of the two had any knowledge of what life is actually like with a child.

I'm still desperately sorry for the OP, and hope she finds some happiness.

'I think that agreeing to continue a pregnancy together, and move in together at the same time, signals a massive commitment.'

Hahahaahahahahaha

skidoodly kind of said what I was thinking but was afraid to vocalise.

OP has been really naive, though of course she still deserves sympathy and support.

Totally agree that FB not the problem, cheaters are.

Anybody out there who thinks that their relationship would be a-ok if only a third party would just butt out: it wouldn't, sorry.

tortoiseonthehalfshell My views about why marriage is sensible before children have NOTHING to do with romance but they have EVERYTHING to do with realism.
People can break up married or not- just with marriage a break up usually means more rights for the mother.
I honestly can't see OP having to be the one that leaves had she been married to this man of hers.

Also, tortoise as a side note, there is a phenomenon called 'sliding not deciding' where it is held that a man needs to make a firm commitment (usually marriage) before settling down. Sliding into a -supposedly- committed relationship it via an accidental pregnancy and shacking up doesn't cut it for most men, apparently.

Have I missed the bit where the OP said that her child is DP's first child? Who says he does't have other children?

I think I agree with tortoise even though she has subsequently decided she is wrong.

If he wanted a stab at playing happy families - regardless of whether he knew much about fatherhood - he didn't give it much of a go. If he was discussing how to dump the OP whilst she was in hospital giving birth, the realities of fatherhood presumably had nothing much to do with it.

Not a great situation - but it's the mother who'll end up holding the baby....

Skidooly...just because being a parent is hard work doesn't mean you just get to give up! I don't think he gives a fuck about his DD if you want me to be blunt...he seems more concerened with the OW, that Fb message op refered to was when she was in hospital after the birth.

It's disgusting behaviour and yes he is a knobjockey...the OP has been foolish but not cruel, he has behaved very badly.

Lets hope he does take responsibility for their DD, at least something good will come out of it all

He hasn't given up on being a parent though, just on the romantic relationship with his daughter's mother. Not the same thing at all.

There are two people here prioritising their romantic infatuations ahead of their children. One of them has been a parent for 3 weeks. The other (presumably) for years.

Do you think the op doesn't give a shit about her other children? Is she a knobjockey to have put them in a position where they're now about to have to move house for the third time in a year?

What a horrible post skidoodly

It feels like this thread has descended into a character assiination of the OP - how does that help?

People make mistakes - they make decisions with the best of intentions - and she has tried. It is hard/impossible to make a relationship work when the other person's heart isn't in it. She took risks - they didn't work out. That doesn't make her a bad person.

Yes, but exactly the same things can be said about the father of her baby. You can't have it both ways - if he's a shit to put his romantic feelings ahead of his child, then she's a worse one.

If people make mistakes, and make bad decisions with the best of intentions, that should be understood, then they have BOTH done that.

That's my point - how is it helpful or fair to demonise him whilst lionising her? Why are the character assassinations of the man in this situation justified? He has done nothing worse than she has.

Saying he doesn't care about his child is unfair. The same charge, for exactly the same reason, could be made of the OP.

Whatever the future holds for the OP it is far better for her to have a realistic understanding of how she got into this mess, and a fair assessment of the man she got into it with.

Deciding that he's a big bastard who doesn't love his daughter is just stupid, reactionary "all men are bastards" nonsense.

I wonder if it is his first child?

I must admit, I wouldve been tempted to send her a message from his facebook page but, thats just me.

I hope things are ok OP and that you have found somewhere to stay, what an awful position to be in. Good luck with everything.x

I do think a lot of people are being incredibly cruel to OP when all she wanted was some advice!

As was mentioned, why didnt her DP let her know there was someone else when he first got together with her, let alone when she got pregnant? Then at least she could have made some choices about her life before she got to this stage. And Im sorry, but it doesnt matter if he has kids already or not, parenthood for the first time is hard for everyone so no excuse for going off boozing and shagging around when baby is born. Did OP leave her first baby with the father while she went off partying as it was a new experience to her, I wonder?!

Yes, in retrospect she was naive, but if she was given full information at the start, then she at least could have made her decisions on what to do based on facts!

And also, it takes two to make a baby so he is just as much to blame for the pregnancy as she is!

I wish you luck OP and hope you manage to sort your life out. At least now you know what is going on you can make plans basedon knowledge rather than deceit.

skidooly Look, there is very little symmetry in this situation.

The DP has not just given birth.
The DP is not taking care of the day to day needs of a new born and multiple other children.
The DP is not homeless.
The OP was not lining up someone else to shag during her baby's birth .
The DP is not in love with someone who isn't interested in him.

I also hope that things are ok with you OP, and that you've found somewhere more suitable to stay.

OMG! Haven't read all the thread and forgive if I repeat but come on he's a shit!

For the sake of all decent women - we need to stamp out the despicable behaviour that some men display and we allow to get away with! How's he going to learn when you are accepting of it? Get out of there! You deserve so much better.

You can and will survive on your own. You are strong and will find someone ten times better than him who gives you all the love and respect you deserve.

God my blood is boiling with these shits of men who think they can do exactly what they want! - and as for the woman, she's after your man without a doubt - let her have him before you get in too deep and he goes! - or even worse has the best of both worlds!

Long story cut short but my ex wasn't up front with his 'innocent friendship' but I knew the moment he went absolutely mental with me (after I'd had enought and sent her a text saying leave him alone) and defended her big time that he'd left me long ago - I threw him out!

Good luck x