How do you negotiate amount of personal/free time within a couple?

[loves2walk]

My H has a very strong interest in a sport. Before children, it didn't bother me at all that he spent saturdays/weekends away watching his team as I was happy to have my own time, going out with friends, whatever.

After our first child, I still didn't mind that much as I worked in the week so was desperate for baby/toddler time with DS1 at the weekends and happy to have that on my own.

After DS2 I started getting a bit resentful and these weekends seemed more frequent. They also seem to be snuck up on me, so H might mention a game in passing casually weeks before, then the week before the weekend say he is off at such and such a time for the match, back late that night usually and when I would question it, he would get cross, saying he's already told me and why am I surprised and 'I do this to him every time' and 'make him jump through hoops just to have some free time' etc. So I used to back down and let him go but I must admit by the end of each season I was resentful.

So this year, after lots of support for other things on MN I am a new assertive me! So I decided to try an emotionally mature/assertive way of dealing with it.

OK, so I said lets try and be equal in our 'time off' so he has a long day away at a match and a few of these (2-3) equal a weekend away for me. Sort of fine about that, though he was annoyed by my pettiness in trying to do it this way.

But he agreed there was no reason why our time off should not be equal. So last night I got a family calendar out and said lets put the autumn fixtures in the calendar in pencil, then my time pencilled in, then any couple things and see how it all fits.

So the plan goes like this -
Sept quiet - couple of matches, but as home ones he'll go with DS1 and they're early evening so no problem
Oct - 3 saturdays in a row, long days out
Nov - quiet
Dec - 3 saturdays in a row, all day again

H made the point that these were only the very important matches - there are more, but he'll limit it to only the really crucial ones. i.e. think I'm supposed to feel grateful at that concession!

So I made the point calmly, that I felt 3 saturdays in a row was unreasonable. Big sigh from H, not happy. So in the interests of avoiding an argument, I said I didn't want to discuss it anymore but would leave him to think about which he would choose because I felt 3 in a row, over 2 months, were too many. I got some 'it's like living in a big brother state' comment which I ignored.

I would like to see myself as a laid back partner, not controlling, happy to give my partner personal freedom etc. But I'm clearly not that laid back as I do end up resentful each year and feel a bit taken for a ride. BUT this equality thing I'm now trying, is not easy and I can see there being an argument tonight over it. I got a very cursory kiss goodbye this morning from H so I think he's smarting from what he'll see as me being controlling.

What d'you think?

First of all, I have to say that we have rubbish social lives so I haven't faced this problem since having kids!

However, I think that I would be annoyed if my DH was out for three Sats in a month. Firstly, there is the issue of how you are supposed to fit your time in there too but also, if you are both out for several weekends a month, what about spending time together as a family with your children? It sounds as though your kids would only ever be seeing one of you at a time!

He's definitely hogging the weekends for himself and that's not ok so he has to make some concessions

Thanks squitten - he would say in response that 'it's ONLY a saturday' not such a big deal. But you're right - us being together as a family is not prioritised at all.

BTW - I only actually want 1 weekend away between now and Christmas, and have no hobby as such so am not aiming to get more than the 1 weekend. He's OK with my 1 weekend, just not OK with being restricted in his long days off!

3 Saturdays every other month is not, actually, that excessive. That means you have two full months of him not going out at the weekend, so you can either have your personal time or family trips. While it's unreasonable for one person in a family to use up all the leisure time for his/her own interests, if the other adult in the family has no interests and wants everyone to sit indoors watching TV 'together' all the time, then that's not reasonable either.

Luckily I'm not in this position anymore, but I used to hate it!

I alaways used to say to (ex)dp "if you go out 3 or 4 times a week then I should be able to do the same. And if I do the same that covers 6-8 days a week. Where does that leave family time?"

In your case, if you say there are 8 weekend days in a month, he is out for 3. SO if you are out for 3 then that only levaes 2 weekend days in that month for you all as a family. I don't think that is reasonable.

But that is why I no longer have the problem - I got so sick of it that I asked him to leave!

The thing is, every one and every relationship is different but you have to go with what is right for you (as in, you all.

Thanks for replies. DC are 9and 5 and full on.

SGB - I don't get where I said I wanted us all to sit and watch TV indoors as family time! Saturdays are really busy days with both kids having sports training and one having a guitar lesson, so I/we spend the whole day ferrying children around. I love my kids being into sports and music so don't mind this, except when it's left to me to do the whole ferrying thing 3 saturdays in a row. I do mind that actually.

I get that I can't change the fixture list - but I just think you have to make a choice as a parent and your own needs can't come before those of others all the time. My H is saying he's made some concession by not expressing interest in other matches, but it still seems too much too me.

Maybe I am being too controlling. The thing is he knows what it's like being the only parent around as I take 2-3 weekends off a year to visit friends, and he struggles with it. He finds it stressful and is exhausted when I get home. He thinks I do it 'so much better' so it's not such a big deal for me, so that's part of how he justifies him having more free time than me. Maybe I should practice being more slovenly with the kids....

You mention that after first child you worked full time, do you still work?
Does your partner work full time every weekday?
Does he see the children after work during the week and take equal responsibility for their care then?
Was he as keen as you to have children?
How does he see family life, stiffling, stressful, too demanding or fun?
I have never experienced this sort of situation, my DH spends a lot of time with us as a family. We are central to his life which goes something like this- Work long hours for family-spend the rest of the time with the family. He has equal responsibility to ensure the children enjoy family time, holidays, days out visiting things that interest all of us.
I can't understand why you want equality with your husband if all that means is equal time away from your children. I have seen this drive a wedge into friends marriages and one has recently divorced because of it.
Maybe what you really need to be aiming for, is more family time with him, more time as a couple together.
Seperate ME time is a recipe for disaster!

"He thinks I do it 'so much better' so it's not such a big deal for me, so that's part of how he justifies him having more free time than me."

Have you pointed out that the reason you do it better is because you get so much practice at it while he's away? so if you were away more, he'd get more practice and would be just as good at it.

YANBU. I'd be annoyed if my DH was away this much watching his team (or doing any other hobby). Not because I want us to sit around watching TV, but because I want him to do his fair share of everything that needs doing at home. Oh and also because I'd miss him.

That's a real cop out and a pitiful and selfish excuse to say you are so much better at ferrying the kids around.

I would be tearing up his sports kit as we speak!

Why can you not slow down a bit at the weekends and spend the time enjoying your kids together. They are only 9 and 5, more than sport and music they need to spend time with their parents preferably both of you, together. What about limiting everyones sport to every other saturday.

"Seperate ME time is a recipe for disaster!"

Sorry but that's just bollocks. Most people like a bit of time to themselves to pursue interests that may not be shared by their OH or compatiable with taking a child along.

Sure you need to spend time as a family/couple but I couldn't stand to be in one of those relationships/families where the two/ four of you are joined at the hip at all times.

However, OP, I agree that your H is taking the P and it's not fair on you. It's not providing enough time for you to also get your me time, and for your family to spend some time together.

It doesn't seem that much to me but husband and I are both active sports people as are the kids and on Sundays one or both of us are usually out, usually taking kids with 1 of us unless the kids have their own thing on but they are more likely to be on Saturdays.
It sounds as though there are more Saturdays for you to do stuff on if you chose to than he has stuff on (he's out for 6 Saturdays leaving about 10 free), or why can't you do stuff on Sundays and leave the kids with him then? It does sound more like you don't actually have any hobbies but just want to stop your husband having any.

Your suggestions look fine to me. I see why you dislike the consecutive fixtures, but football is a winter sport and if you propose an arrangement you ought to hold with it.

I don't like his attitude though. All the backbiting, blaming you and being petulant are a bit controlling (by him, not you!) So I agree with you, you need to stay firm.

I agree with SGB.

It doesn't really seem excessive of him, provided you feel you can have an equal amount of sundays to yourself (if you want to, that is)

The fact that saturdays are full of kids sport and music lessons is besides the point, if it is too hard for you to do alone, tell the kids you'll need to drop some of them, or work out a rota with other parents of kids who go to the clubs. Presumably you don't begrudge your children devoting their saturdays to their hobbies, so why begrudge your DH?

Also, their is nothing of 'equality' in forcing your partner to conform to what you feel to be equal. You have to both agree, or you are still trying to control him.

Lond day might be heading off in morning, then back midnight-ish

MMM - I work p/t and do mornings/after school with kids every day and H gets home for bedtime stories.

He finds having children stressful whereas I find them a challenge but a good rewarding challenge. He finds them noisy, whereas I love the fact they sing away or do michael jackson impersonations round the kitchen. He finds their needs demanding as we have little couple time, whereas I want to be together having fun as a family more, not less. I wanted children, he took his time to come round to the idea, then relucantly agreed.

OK, so that's what I'm facing. Doesnt sound like we're that compatable and I know I shouldn't try and make him something he's not.

Maybe like rebecca said, I am just resentful of him having a hobby where I have none. But I don't want a hobby, I love hanging out with my kids and as long as I get enough girlfriend time here and there, I don't want a hobby.

But I obviously am resentful that he seems to assume he is entitled to pursue a hobby when it clearly impacts on me/us so much.

Just another thing - I wanted us to take up a family hobby - orienteering - as we could all do with the exercise and I thought it would be fun. It is on a sunday and run by a club so I was imagining getting involved and making new family friends that way. But each Sunday I tried to get H involved, he just put me off - too tired after being away for match day before or if no match he wanted to enjoy weekend at home without this sort of commitment. Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

minimaths seperate ME time is not a recipe for disaster.

Don't apply what might work for you and your DH to everybody. Everyone's different. Not everyone has to give up being an individual just becuase they are a mamber of a family as well.

DH does every home game for Harlequins. But we buy 4 tickets so he takes any combination of the children as are free or we all go sometimes.

He has taken DS2 for 5 years and as DS2 has autism that involves quite a deal of attention from DH. Plus he has taken DD since she was 5.
They are his children so he does it.
I don't understand why , when your children are as old as they are, he can't take one of them with him?

I would never tell DH not to go out. And I wouldn't do tit for tat - if you go then, I go out then.
But , if I am knackered I go away and i expect him to agree as I always do when he goes away.
You should be talking about it for make life more reasonable. Not making up rules IMHO

I think you've hit the nail on the head Grace - it is his attitude that bothers me most. If he wasn't as snide in his comments I wouldn't mind as much. If he started from the view that all weekend time was equal responsibility, it would be a very different discussion. But it is as though he assumes it is my responsibility and I suppose that comes naturally to him as the week is sort of mine.

Maybe we're both controlling in our own ways. But if I don't 'control' him, for want of a better term, I get walked all over.

You are banging your head against a brich wall. You are trying to change him, because of a problem you have, instead of trying to change the only thing you actually can change, which is your attitude.

I think you just need to respect the fact that he is different to you, his needs are different to you, but you can still function as a family unit as long as respect is there.

With re the orienteering, would you be happy if he tried to force you to join in with his sport and get involved with his matches on a saturday? Or would you have excuses?

Pag - he does take DS1 for home games and has a few of those pencilled in and that's great, I'm delighted they're both getting time together doing something they can bond over. DS2 could start going now, I suppose, though I don't think he could hold attention for that long.

As for away games, which are the long days out, I just don't think this is part of the deal for him. He would enjoy the pub on way to ground before match, then pub afterwards so having DS1 would restrict that. Also during term time I don't want DS1 out for such long days as he enjoys his local activities and being home.