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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sitting here in tears

96 replies

mumsanutter · 08/08/2010 17:54

I have been reading through the threads today trying to put my thoughts into perspective.

My story - H decided to IM (instant message message me through his Blackberry) last friday night and say basicly that we are over - this was as he was boarding a flight to Tokyo so would be no further contact for 15 hours! I spent friday night in tears trying to figure out what the IM meant. On saturday am, he IM's that he was so sorry and the meassages continued on throughout the day asking for a divorce and stating what maintianence he would pay me (from a men that when asked said he hadn't looked into divorce). I have only spoken to him once on the phone on tuesday (his birthday) and had to text him on friday to get him to ring our youngest who's birthday it was ( was painfully obvious that he did not want to talk to me but would talk to youngest 2). He has declared that he now sees me as the mother of his 2 children and a friend. I also found his wedding band on the side in our room yesterday and told him this over IM and haven't heard from him since.

Since then I have been on an emotional roller coaster, one minute happy the next crying - our (my) children 13, 5 and 3 (also have a 10 year old but he is away on holiday with friends) don't know what is going on but the 13 year old is very with it and has declared that if dad leaves he wants nothing to do with him, and also asked if this meant he would have to have a step family!! He has asked that I don't say anything until October when he gets back, and we can talk ( I have told some close friends as I can't do this on my own and if I keep crying they pretty much know that something is going on!)

i really do not know what I am asking, but just needed to write this out

OP posts:

tb · 09/08/2010 16:48

First lots of hugs, then

open your own bank account, that will prevent him being able to siphon money from a joint one.

Presumably with being away for so long he is having expenses so is not needing to use his salary, so move any over to your account at the end of the month if you have a joint account.

Agree with all the other posters about taking stuff to his parents. You could always say he will pick it up in October as you are planning to decorate while he is away IYSWIM.

Try to remember to take care of yourself.

Lastly, what a stupid spineless prick!

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

drymartini · 09/08/2010 16:55

yes it does of course depend and your trust and relationship you have. I only speak from my personal experience the more heavily the parents are involved, the more likely they are of losing the good relationship.

Sad but true, if you get involved in a boy and girl fight, the go betweens will always lose.

My sil's dear dear parents have not seen their other grandchildren for over 5 years and may never see them again. Punishment for 'helping'.

The virtually impossible skill is to unpick only one relationship without affecting the rest. eek.

Original poster

mumsanutter · 09/08/2010 17:06

I will tell his parents, as I may need their help more with the boys and they will get a better explaination when H gets back. I will not punish them by stopping them seeing the boys. It is usual for their phones to be off - they are really bad with them to be honest, don't even know how to pick up voice mail and don't get me started on texts!!

He won't/can't take any money out of the joint account - he doesn't have a card on the account! There is also no money left there at the end of the month after paying bills etc. I am hopeing that we can work through this reasonably (even though my life has been turned upside down) as I don't want the boys to hate him, or me, for anything.

OP posts:

SugarMousePink · 09/08/2010 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 09/08/2010 20:20

PRICK. Fuck it, but it on your FB, why shield him when he can completely screw you and your family financially and just might.

'Dear All, so sad to have to write this: H IM'd me to ask for a divorce this past Friday. He has someone else in Japan and intends to make a new life there with her. Am devestated but trying my best to keep it together for my family. Sorry for any erractic-sounding posts and just wanted to explain in advance.'

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 20:31

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Amongst other things, please do go & get tested, it's a horrible thought, but better safe than sorry!

He is an utterly selfish wanker...

Wife & 4 kids and he fucks off for 3 months with an IM message telling you it's over....

Spinless fucking cunt and I never use that word.

Enjoy the silver lining though !!!

expatinscotland · 09/08/2010 20:32

Tell his parents! Any son of mine who did this to his children would no longer be my son.

Original poster

mumsanutter · 09/08/2010 20:51

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 10.50 about being tested.

I have also just spoken to his parents, who can not believe this has happened and are being incredible supportive. Seeing how his dad reacted I am thinking I might have upset the apple cart with H, but whatever he has made his bed etc and I have to go on living with mine.

Thank you for your words and advice

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/08/2010 20:54

'Seeing how his dad reacted I am thinking I might have upset the apple cart with H, but whatever he has made his bed etc and I have to go on living with mine.'

Oh, fuck him. HE upset it by being the prize prick of 2010: living a double life with someone 5000 miles away, then not even having the balls to tell you to your face the truth.

See a lawyer.

You need all the help, support and advice you can get, so I'd spew it on FB, the truth.

Gigantaur · 09/08/2010 20:57

what a cowardly shitty little cunt you husband is.

I know that this must be horrifically paifull for you right now but please, look at this as the godsend it is.
You do not need a man so pathetically cowardly in yor life.

gingerkirsty · 09/08/2010 21:06

Change the locks

Send his stuff to his mother's house

Move all the furniture around to reclaim your space

See a solicitor

Concentrate on looking after yourself and your DCs.

Good luck with the tests.

{{{unmumsnetty hugs}}}

ilovemydogandMrObama · 09/08/2010 21:14

Be very careful about posting on FB when you are angry/upset. You are totally within your rights to do so, but you have the moral high ground, so don't stoop to the level of using FB to get back at him. Keep your dignity, and maybe do something nice for you this weekend. Spa? Massage?

And pack all his stuff and dump.

expatinscotland · 09/08/2010 21:17

I don't see how posting something truthful on FB is in any way a bad thing.

It's a means by which to transmit information to a wide number of people you know.

Simply stating: He message me we are splitting and he is beginning a new life in Asia is, well, not vengeful, angry, spiteful.

It's the truth.

Gigantaur · 09/08/2010 21:18

drain the joint account too.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/08/2010 21:48

oh mums, what to say that hasn't already been said.

Stay close to us, we'll do whatever we can to help you through this.

Try and keep a cool head, Dignity is Power is a great mantra.

huge hugs to you all, this is a horrific blow to you all, but you will get through this.

mathanxiety · 09/08/2010 23:34

What a horrible man. He has been planning this for a long, long time.

You need to catch up, and fast -- see a solicitor. You will need him to continue to make deposits into the joint account (which you can then move into a new account of your own) or you will soon be unable to pay bills. See what your quick options are, maybe a court order for him to continue to pay the mortgage if you have one, or other bills that are joint like credit cards but that you couldn't cover alone. You can present him with divorce papers while he's abroad. That should grab his attention. What a knob to think you would just cool your heels at home until October when His Lordship will favour you with a visit to dictate (no doubt on his terms) your future and the future of your children

Glad you told his parents. I agree with posting this on FB too. Dignity is all very well but it will get you nowhere in the long run if that is your primary objective -- you need to focus 100% on money now. I would trust the IM message about the support only when I see the actual money, but it's great that you have kept that message.

expatinscotland · 10/08/2010 09:45

Money is power. And, as math points out, right now, he's in the driver's seat.

suspiciousandsad · 10/08/2010 09:51

How utterley spineless and cowardly.

FWIW I think telling his parents was the right thing to do - you may need their support.

It is unbelievable that a husband and father could treat their family in this way. I'm so, so sorry.

Conundrumish · 10/08/2010 09:53

I agree with DillyDora - what a catch he is!

You sound very strong mums - well done.

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