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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sitting here in tears

96 replies

mumsanutter · 08/08/2010 17:54

I have been reading through the threads today trying to put my thoughts into perspective.

My story - H decided to IM (instant message message me through his Blackberry) last friday night and say basicly that we are over - this was as he was boarding a flight to Tokyo so would be no further contact for 15 hours! I spent friday night in tears trying to figure out what the IM meant. On saturday am, he IM's that he was so sorry and the meassages continued on throughout the day asking for a divorce and stating what maintianence he would pay me (from a men that when asked said he hadn't looked into divorce). I have only spoken to him once on the phone on tuesday (his birthday) and had to text him on friday to get him to ring our youngest who's birthday it was ( was painfully obvious that he did not want to talk to me but would talk to youngest 2). He has declared that he now sees me as the mother of his 2 children and a friend. I also found his wedding band on the side in our room yesterday and told him this over IM and haven't heard from him since.

Since then I have been on an emotional roller coaster, one minute happy the next crying - our (my) children 13, 5 and 3 (also have a 10 year old but he is away on holiday with friends) don't know what is going on but the 13 year old is very with it and has declared that if dad leaves he wants nothing to do with him, and also asked if this meant he would have to have a step family!! He has asked that I don't say anything until October when he gets back, and we can talk ( I have told some close friends as I can't do this on my own and if I keep crying they pretty much know that something is going on!)

i really do not know what I am asking, but just needed to write this out

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 09:46

"divorce diet"

every cloud....

Malificence · 09/08/2010 10:53

I think you need to have his employers send him home, tell them anything, as long as it's "serious" enough, or, tell them exactly what he's done to your family - that will put him in a good light with them.

Why should you go through months of torture while his life continues as normal? Angry

needafootmassage · 09/08/2010 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/08/2010 11:03

Bloody hell.

I would definitely tell his Mum - if nothing else your children need to be supported through this by their family. In fact tell everyone. Why he thinks he can tell you to keep quiet about it I don't know - he's just told you that he isn't your husband anymore, so even if you were in the habit of doing what he told you there certainly isn't a need to any longer!

comtessa · 09/08/2010 11:19

Firstly, your eldest child sounds very aware, and he may well talk to his grandmother about this, so probably better for you to get in first. It is happening, so his parents need to know about what is happening to their DIL and grandchildren.

Secondly, you may well qualify for Legal Aid, and in any case, most solicitors will offer up to one hour's free advice in the first instance, so do get a recommendation for a good family lawyer in your area. Even if you think your DH earns too much, let the solicitor be the judge of that (Legal Aid calculator) as you get allowances for DC, mortgage, rent etc etc.

Thirdly, are there any helplines you can call just to offload? Friends and MN are good for helpful advice, but you may also just need to offload, and a counsellor (through your GP - free five sessions) or helpline may help you with that.

Thinking of you.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 11:22

This reply has been deleted

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swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 11:24

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Original poster
mumsanutter · 09/08/2010 13:11

I would need to get to the doctors to see about counselling and that would mean taking the children, so wouldn't benefit from it. I will however talk to my friends as much as I can and if I feel that I cannot cope then I will get to the doctors.

There is no point in telling his employers, he has a job to do and that is that. Although I do know that he is actively looking for a job in asia.

I really need to talk to him, but contact is nearly no existant. I do not want to chase him anymore.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/08/2010 13:15

I would be worried that he is looking to move continent - it is very hard to chase maintenance payments in certain countries. I know you say that you can't afford it, but I really think that you need to get some legal advice asap.

MostlyLurking · 09/08/2010 13:18

jeez, this gets worse. Get on to his family right away, tell them what you have told us. Oh, and if he is not coming back then bin his stuff.

SanctiMoanyArse · 09/08/2010 13:31

Exactly what expat says, and if possible (no idea about IM tbh) forward toe veryone in your address book.

What a shite!

And yes it's fairly obvious I think that he has someone else, probably in Tokyo, telling him not to bother going hnear her until he is single.

I am so sorry yu are having to live through this, and wish you strength.

And yes, his Mum- she needs to now about all this, as she is invovled too after all- her son yes but also her Grandkids. She has the ability to help the kids through what could be a very tricky patch.

Although as DH says, if this were one of our boys we'd be flying voer to fetch them home to sort it: we couldn;t make them stay in a marriage but we could, and would, damn well stop them behaving like dragged-up cowards!

proudnsad · 09/08/2010 13:47

What he's done is cruel, really cruel. Knowing you can't contact him after shattering your world.

I understand why you don't want to worry his mother but she does need to know, and I'm so sorry you don't have your parents around.

Glad to hear you have many friends to confide and offload on.

x

Surama · 09/08/2010 14:01

As someone else said, there are no reciprocal financial laws between the UK and Japan (or other Asian countries). He's not required to pay you what he said he would anyway, not if he can prove he can't afford it, and that's in a UK court. If he was in Asia there would be no way you could force maintenance unless he was working for a UK company and even then it would be extremely difficult - I lived in Tokyo for a while and there was someone in the same office who wasn't supporting his UK family at all.

Perhaps insist he sets up the direct debit/whatever NOW, of the amount he promised, so you at least have that? And see a lawyer who has experience in international law.

It sounds to me a lot like he's been living a double life of some kind, whether it's involving another woman in particular or just being 'free and single' in Asia.

What a cowardly bastard.

Original poster
mumsanutter · 09/08/2010 15:56

He is involved with someone else, has admitted it and apologised!

I am now trying to sort things out in my head, and get my house sorted.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 15:58

oh dear, I am so sorry x

MostlyLurking · 09/08/2010 16:01

am sorry to hear this, he is the lowest of the low. Have you contacted his family yet?

Please keep posting.

Original poster
mumsanutter · 09/08/2010 16:13

I am trying to ring his mum and dad but their mobiles are off - they have just moved so don't have a landline yet!

OP posts:
MostlyLurking · 09/08/2010 16:17

any idea what their reaction will be? Do you think they know already?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

drymartini · 09/08/2010 16:23

How horrific. I know it is so hard to get your head cleared in a situation like this. However my advice would be to be the most Calm, Elegant, Graceful and Classy person throughout this. He obviously lacks all these qualities.

  1. Do not tell anyone in the family, this is gossiping and side taking and will only damage the children.
  2. Spend the next few weeks sorting out the package that you require from him, especially now that you know there is another person involved.
  3. Present it to him as a fait a complis when he returns.
  4. Look beautiful and slim throughout.
DillyDora · 09/08/2010 16:26

Just adding to the outrage. Shame you can't just put a contract out on the guy - turns out that's not allowed.

So, so sorry. Lucky ol' OW eh? She can look forward knowing that one day he will do exactly the same thing to her...always good to know what the future holds.

Hey ho, maybe the f*cker's plane will crash and you and the children get the life insurance and no more nonsense.

As far as food goes, soup is always a good one when I'm feeling to upset to swallow solid food, just buy loads of the premade stuff. You will feel a bit better in yourself if you can manage to eat a bit. Or cereal...always a good one and relatively nutritious-ish!

Good luck to you, you will get through this, so very very sorry.

MostlyLurking · 09/08/2010 16:26

Hmm at point 1.

drymartini · 09/08/2010 16:34

Personally I wouldn't get his parents involved, they will become a portal for information and probably all the wrong way. In the end their loyalty will be with their boy I would have thought.

SanctiMoanyArse · 09/08/2010 16:38

doesn't it depend on the parents?

I have 4 boys: if one of them did this they would be in trouble. Whether 18 or 58.

It's up to them whom they are with but I expect courage and decency.

More to the pint, my porimary aim at that stage would be to maintain a good relationship with mother so I could maintain one with gc's.

And I would want to help the mopther because thart helps the gc's.

DillyDora · 09/08/2010 16:39

I have to agree with mostly I would speak to his parents, this is your husband for heaven's sake, not some guy you've been seeing for 3 months.